


to find comfort in a warrior's soothing soul

by corneliaolivia



Series: to find comfort in a warriors soothing soul ( we find the answers in the lessons we learn ) [1]
Category: Clarke Griffin - Fandom, The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan, clexa - Fandom, commander lexa - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clexa, Drama & Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2020-12-24 02:29:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 100,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21091898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corneliaolivia/pseuds/corneliaolivia
Summary: - in which lexa's death never happened and clarke actually returned to arkadia with octavia. -It has been five months since Clarke’s separation from the beloved Capital, and from the beloved people that could be found within its walls. Five months of longing for a return, five months of starving to come back. Five months since the border was set and three days since it was taken down. Five months of silence and peace between the clans. Five months of war that had come to an end. At least that’s what Clarke had made Lexa believe.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [to find comfort in a warriors soothing soul ( we find the answers in the lessons we learn. )](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26341684) by [corneliaolivia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/corneliaolivia/pseuds/corneliaolivia). 
**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just wanna say that English is not my first language so if there’s any grammar mistakes or something that seems off that I might have missed throughout this story, please let me know and I’ll correct it! :)
> 
> their looks are inspired by episode 7x16

The three day ride to Polis suddenly feels longer than Clarke had first remembered it to be. The throb in her thighs and the ache right under her butt are getting worse the longer she spends strolling down the forest on the back of her muscular horse. The growling pain she feels grow bigger in her stomach from the lack of food isn’t helping with her longing to reach her destination either.

It has been five months since Clarke’s separation from the beloved Capital, and from the beloved people that could be found within its walls. Five months of longing for a return, five months of starving to come back. Five months since the border was set and three days since it was taken down. Five months of silence and peace between the clans. Five months of war that had come to an end. At least that’s what Clarke had made Lexa believe. 

The last three months have been somewhat different on the Skaikru’s side of the river that is separating them. Hunger and a need to feel free without the border holding them back has gotten the worst of some people on her side. With people’s want to spread their territory, farm food and build a bigger society they have started to turn on each other. With an impulsive mind and with Pike leading them, they have started to make somewhat drastic mistakes. Not caring about the river that is separating them from the other clans, not caring about the Grounders that are sent to kill them if they get caught on the wrong side of the river. Not even caring about their own people that gets locked up or killed if they disagree with Pike’s actions.

Making Lexa believe that the war is over is the only way for Clarke to be able to return safely to Polis and ask her for help. The only way for Clarke to cross the border without the possibility of getting killed. 

Now though, Clarke almost wishes that she had thought her trip through more clearly before getting on the back of her horse and leave at the first possible chance she had. A big part of her regretting that she abstained the luggage of food that her mother had prepared for her.

Three days on top of a horse with only short breaks for sleep and to eat some of the food that she had actually taken with her now started to gnaw its way down to her bones. 

With a weak, slightly mud-covered hand Clarke brings it up over the sun, covering the sunlight that is spreading out its orange-like color through the leaves as it starts to set over the mountains.

It can’t be much further left and Clarke’s aching thighs and growling stomach is starting to thank her for it. Thinking about it, if Clarke squints her eyes enough then maybe she can catch a glimpse of the tall building of Lexa’s tower just between the mountains.

In her attempt to do so a large smile start to cover the tired corners of her lips, because yes, right between the western Ice Nation mountain and the eastern mountain that belongs to Polis she can see it. The smoke appearing from the large building, spreading out a big cloud on the sky above the mountains. She made it.

With approximately a thirty minute ride along the river with no breaks, she will soon be outside the gates of Polis.

A relieved puff of air escapes Clarke’s heavy lungs before she smacks her thighs harder against the sides of her horse. The thought of soon being in Polis, of soon seeing Lexa. _ Lexa _ who she’s been thinking about and wishing for every day since she left five months ago, is what keeps her motivation to reach her destination even stronger.

The ghost of Lexa’s touch haunting her every waking moment, and every sleeping too. The memory of the depth of Lexa’s understanding and supportive eyes being the only thing that keeps her sane in the middle of all the chaos. Soon, _ soon _ she will be able to be comforted by Lexa’s soothing soul again.

____________

  
  


Just as Clarke had expected, it doesn’t take more than twenty five minutes before the big gates of the Capital appears between the trees and in sight of Clarke’s hopeful eyes.

The big building of Lexa’s tower hovers over her as Clarke glances up at the sky. Loud chattering from within the large walls are heard from far ahead, and Clarke is surprised by the comfortable feeling of home that spreads through her veins by the noise she hears, the air she smells and the sight in front of her. It almost feels more like coming home than it had done to come back to Arkadia after all the time she first spent with Lexa in Polis.

Clarke’s stomach clenches and groans as she lets her horse guide her closer to the gates. The smell of grilled meat is only teasing her even more, begging for her to get closer, and begging for her to finally devour something.

The last bit of food that she had taken with her was gone within the second day of her journey and now her body is reminding her of the stupid mistake of not accepting her mother’s food. Now her head is throbbing with pain and her thighs ache as they clench around the horse.

Clarke shakes her head to clear the pain away, the spark she feels in her heart of soon seeing Lexa makes the trip all worth it. She brings a blistered hand up to swipe at her sweat-streaked forehead, thinking that all the pain in the world would be worth it to see Lexa again. 

‘’ Heda, Heda! ‘’ 

‘’ Wanheda, ste komba raun! ‘’

The dark, deep voices of the guards outside of the gate echoes through the walls of Polis as they shout back to inform Lexa of Clarke’s arrival when she becomes clear in sight. The big walls of Polis are now perfectly visible as Clarke strolls out of the trees.

Her fingernails covered with dirt as she holds tightly to the reins of the horse. Her dehydrated mouth so dry in need of something to drink and her eyes slightly watery from the wind that kept blasting at her face.

Clarke stops right in front of the two armored guards that stand outside of the gate. Their hands grip tightly at their swords by the sides of their bodies while they wait for Lexa to arrive at the gate by the knowledge of Clarke’s presence.

With each new movement, each new voice shouting at the Commander on the other side of the gate, Clarke can feel her heart speed up in pace. Her hands start sweating while they clench harder around the reins, the lump growing dry in the back of her throat and her heart-rate almost loud enough to hear from the outside.

With curious eyes Clarke watches as the gate opens and is immediately met by the crowd of people on the other side. Grounders in all shapes and forms, in different clothing and armors. Observant eyes eager to find the lovingly Commander that her heart has been craving every month.

Clarke moves her gaze through the people shielding her and the woman that she is desperate to see. Her heart start throbbing inside her chest as the crowd visibly spreads and a shorter figure moves through the armored warriors.

With her spine rigid and with each step just as graceful, the Commander moves silently through the sea of people. Her body wrapped in her battlecoat and the red cloth hanging lightly attached from her shoulder armor, the fabric sweeping over the ground as Lexa moves past her taller warriors. 

Eyes green like the depth of the forest, a face clean from war paint and a body statue more graceful than Clarke remembered it soon stands just in front of her. Stepping to her guards sides to greet Clarke.

Lexa’s face is soft, calm. Her body relaxes at the first sight of Clarke, her lips barely part to let more air into her lungs while green eyes meet blue.

Just the sight alone calms Clarke. A breath that she’s been holding for months escapes from her lungs and a weight heavier than the mountains let’s go of Clarke’s chest, and finally she’s able to breathe. A soothing feeling sweeps through her bones as Clarke observes every familiar detail of Lexa. 

‘’ Clarke of the Sky People has honored us with her presence in Polis. ‘’ 

Lexa’s strong but comforting voice sweeps over the sea of people. Spreading in the air around them and Clarke can’t help the throbbing that starts in her chest. A throbbing that almost makes it impossible for her to get any words out. 

‘’ I’m happy to be back, Commander. ‘’ 

The words sneak up through the thickness in her throat, making their way out harder than Clarke thought they would. The want to run into Lexa’s arms is almost impossible to contain, but she knows, she knows that they’re yet to show that affection in public. So she holds back, holds back the urge to get to Lexa.

With a glance at her, Clarke can see the hint of a shy smile covering the curves of Lexa’s lips but disappearing just as fast as it got there and maybe, just maybe she feels the want too.

Clarke studies the hard swallow just barely noticeable in Lexa’s throat as she fights through the next words. Words carefully chosen. 

‘’ Please. ‘’ She begins before she slightly turns in her step to make her way back into the Capital. 

‘’ Come with me. ‘’ 

  
  


___________

Clarke follows as Lexa guides her down the hall and toward her master bedroom. Patiently she waits while Lexa gives orders to the men by the room and soon enough the big, heavy doors to Lexa’s master bedroom shuts open by the two tall guards, and Clarke is right behind as Lexa guides her inside.

The warmth of the familiar room embraces her in an instant. Candles lit in the space around them, curtains dancing by the wind gripping at them from the open window. Everything calm and soothing just as Clarke had remembered it. Just as Clarke had left it.

Her legs begin to walk her further into the room, lustful eyes scans every corner, taking in every known detail. She listens as the doors closes behind them and can quickly feel Lexa’s presence close to her.

The warmth of Lexa’s body radiates in the space between them, making the electricity grow from the tip of Clarke’s toes to the end of her fingertips.

Clarke turns in her step, watching the woman in an arm length in front of her. Needing eyes observing the other, watching how Lexa’s guard slowly softens. Noticing how Lexa’s shoulders carefully relaxes and the depth of her green eyes captivates Clarke’s.

The careful smile on Lexa’s gentle lips is just barely noticeable by the sight of an eye.

‘’ You have changed your hair. ‘’ 

With her voice soft, the words come out as more of an observation than a question as Lexa takes in every new detail of Clarke. Making the corner of Clarke’s lips bend upward in a genuine smile. A smile that’s not forced onto her, just a genuine happiness that Lexa always seems to be able to bring out of her.

A puff of a laugh escapes Clarke’s mouth as her eyes meet the floor between them. Fingers come up to gently brush through her own now short hair. The long blonde hair that Lexa was once familiar with is now cut off to her shoulders. Too many ghosts haunting her at every moment after what Clarke had done at Mount Weather. Too many painful memories stuck in the person she used to be, so a few months after returning to Arkadia all that she could think about was how much she wanted to get rid of her own self. Of her own ghosts.

A nervous laughter, more coming out in a breath of air fills the silence in the room, no words clear enough for Clarke to be able to explain to Lexa about her new look, or her decisions there of.

Lexa must have noticed the uncertainty in Clarke as she silently moves closer to her. Feet caressing the floor as Lexa moves so gracefully toward her. No words nor sounds needed to be heard before Lexa stands now close before her.

Forest-like eyes digs deeper into Clarke as Lexa let her eyes dance over her. Glancing up to study the new look of Clarke’s hair, down again to lock into her hesitant eyes.

‘’ It suits you well. ‘’ 

With the silence of a shy smile plastered onto her face, Clarke responds to the compliment. The smile only just fading as Clarke’s eyes looks up to meet Lexa’s.

Unsure legs guide Clarke even closer toward her. Eyes blue from the sky desperately drinks in the sight in front of her. Drowning in the longing need to feel Lexa’s presence by her side again. A heart longing for the need to get lost in the depth of Lexa’s forest-like eyes and in need for the loving puzzle piece that’s been missing for months.

She’s just close enough to touch when Clarke slowly stops in her step. Studying the features in Lexa’s face. Her face silky smooth and clean from war paint. Her plump pink-colored lips barely parted to let her breathe easier, and her chest raising in a heavy rhythm.

An unsure hand gently finds its way to cup Lexa’s left cheek and Clarke can’t help to notice the heavy sigh that comes out of Lexa by the hesitant touch. She can’t help to notice the shivering in Lexa’s face or the light shakiness in her body. 

‘’ You’re trembling. ‘’ 

Eyes deep buried into Clarke’s, and a shivering yet needing hand comes up to not grab nor hold but to brush gently onto Clarke’s wrist before Lexa melts into the touch and her eyes shut close. Studying the woman in front of her, breaking by the touch of Clarke’s hand, she can tell that the past five months have been full of need from Lexa as well. 

‘’ _Clarke_. ‘’ 

Clarke’s eyes travel from the bottom of Lexa’s lips, up to meet the darkness in her wanting eyes as her name leaves Lexa’s mouth in a whisper of need.

Eyes drowning in each other, drinking in the familiar want. Clarke notice as the tears find their way to Lexa’s burning eyes and she can’t help but wonder if Lexa has been dying for Clarke’s touch just as much as Clarke has been haunted by hers. 

‘’ I was not sure if you would ever be able to make your return to Polis. ‘’ 

Clarke lets her right thumb gently swipe over the soft skin of Lexa’s cheek. Her heart clenching by the words because just like Lexa, Clarke had feared the thought as well.

Their obligation to the different sides of the war is one thing that can keep them apart for as long as they live and that is a truth that both of them are well aware of. A truth that Clarke has feared every day.

Clarke licks the dryness off her lips before she closes her eyes. Drowning in the touch of Lexa when her forehead meets the slightly taller woman’s.

Her heart throbs in her chest, clenching as she feels Lexa’s warm, heavy breath meet the cold skin on her face.

She brings her left hand to cup the other side of Lexa’s cheek while her forehead remains rested against Lexa’s. Needing to feel Lexa’s warmth embrace her, needing to feel her touch as not only a haunting ghost, but a real and physical feeling. 

A heart-wrenching breath leaves the depth of Clarke’s throat before the words fight their way through.

‘’ I wasn’t either. ‘’ 

She can clearly feel the light shudder against her skin by Lexa’s heavy breath. Her small shivering under the touch of Clarke’s fingertips and Clarke wishes that she could stay like this forever, holding onto Lexa with no more obligations.

Yet the growling that appears a moment later from her starving stomach soon reminds her of all the things that she can’t forget.

The light pressure to her forehead and the warmth under Clarke’s fingertips soon fades as Lexa silently takes a step back. The brows on Lexa’s forehead just slightly furrows while her eyes dig into Clarke with a questionable expression. 

‘’ Sorry, I..- ‘’ 

Clarke brings back her hands to lay lightly on top of her belly, trying to hold back the noises that still manage to sneak out while she feels Lexa’s eyes burn into her.

They carve themself to the bottom of her core while she stands quietly in front of her. Her eyes wandering over Clarke’s face, down to land on the hands on top of Clarke’s belly a moment later. 

‘’ Clarke. ‘’

‘’ Have you not eaten? ‘’ 

The growing pain trudges on the insides of her stomach and Clarke swallows down through the thickness in her throat by the nausea it stirs.

She would kill for some of the food that she could both see and smell as she walked through the gates and into Polis. The hunger in her just begging to devour something but the missing want to stay with Lexa almost makes her want to push the feeling down and ignore it just a bit longer. Just for a few more minutes with Lexa after so many months that they spent apart.

‘’ Clarke? ‘’ 

‘’ I’m fine. ‘’ 

‘’ Your stomach tells me otherwise. ‘’ 

Lexa steps back, the heat of her shortly fades and leaves Clarke aching for more. Aching for her presence to be close to her again, devour into the feeling of Lexa and her comforting touch.

Spending less than ten minutes in Polis and Clarke can already tell how easy it is to get lost in the feeling of it, to get lost by the people in it. How incredibly easy it is for _ herself _ to get lost in all of it, in Lexa, and completely forget the real reason why she made her journey to Polis.

She watches as Lexa walks around the room, her longing eyes watching each graceful movement that Lexa makes as her feet dances over the floor to gently blow out some of the flickering candles. 

‘’ Lexa. ‘’ 

Clarke swallows. The thought of the reason behind her trip to Polis suddenly fills her chest with a weighting ache. Remembering the chaos that awaits her on the other side of the forest, of Octavia and Kane that still waits back in Arkadia, expecting Clarke to get Lexa aboard on this and find a solution to end the war. 

‘’ We need to talk. ‘’ 

The words leave Clarke in a heavy breath and she watches for the words to reach Lexa. She watches as Lexa blows out the last candle by her king-sized bed and notice how the words didn’t seem to affect her at all.

Trying to swallow through the thickness in her throat and calm the pounding of her heart inside of her chest, Clarke can feel how her hands start to sweat as she grabs by the hem of her own shirt, needing something to keep her hands occupied as she waits for Lexa’s response.

Clarke waits for what feels like an eternity before Lexa turns in her step and locks eyes with Clarke. 

‘’ Soon. ‘’ She starts calmly. 

‘’ First, let us eat. ‘’ 

  
  


___________

Clarke starts to think that Lexa was right, getting something to eat before they start to discuss their plan to stop the war within her own people was probably the best solution.

Sneaking a few glances to her right, she observes how Lexa marches so delicately through the streets of Polis. Noticing the eyes of the children lit up as Lexa glance their way or nod in hello. Making sure that every little warrior feels seen.

Clarke can’t help but think about how different Lexa is within the walls of the Capital. Her spine still rigid, yet her movements more delicate. Her shoulders strong, yet more relaxed as she stroll down the streets and interact with her people.

The loud chattering spreads a warmth over the Capital. The children’s laughter and the sound of music by the Grounders that have found some kind of drums to play with, spreads a feeling of home and comfort over it.

Clarke can’t wrap her head around how anyone would want to leave this place once they have gotten the taste of it. How _ Lincoln _ could give all this up, and for what? To belong with the people that locked him up for _ not being one of them? _ For simply being a Grounder?

If Clarke had the option, she would never want to leave the place. Polis literally has all of what the others are seeking. Food, comfort, _ peace. _ Maybe one day, they will all be able to live this way. To live free, and maybe then Clarke will have the possibility to do so too. To live _ here _. 

Clarke barely even notice that they stopped until she feels the touch of Lexa’s elbow carefully nudge at her side. She blinks the thoughts away and turns to look at Lexa who stands close to her side.

Her eyes observes the changes in Clarke’s now present face before she slowly nods over toward the woman standing in front of them.

Clarke quickly shakes the images away as she let her mind take her back to present. The woman standing in front of them holds out a plate with some grilled chicken, fresh berries and new cooked vegetables.

The older woman’s dark hair is damp as it sticks to her sweat-covered forehead from standing in the food stand and carving up meat for all the Grounders.

Clarke devours by the sight of all the food itself and by the smell that it radiates. Her starving stomach growling as she takes the plate from the woman and into her own hands. A thankful smile forming her lips while their eyes lock. 

‘’ Mochof, uhm..-‘’ 

‘’ Tamari. ‘’ The woman fills in and Clarke smiles back in response. 

‘’ Mochof, _Tamari_. ‘’ 

She sneaks a glance up at Lexa who proudly looks back. The corner of her lips just barely spreading out over her face by the shy smile that covers it. Her soft eyes calm the speeding heart on the inside of Clarke’s chest, making her loosen the grip of the plate just slightly. 

‘’ Aren’t you having any? ‘’ 

Lexa looks down on the plate in Clarke’s hands before she let’s her eyes wander over to Tamari and then back over at Clarke.

‘’ No, thank you. I am satisfied. ‘’ 

Clarke nods understanding. If she thinks about it she has rarely ever seen Lexa eat, and the more she lets the thought spin in her head, the more she wonders if Lexa ever eat out with her own people or if she has her own dinner room that her food is taken to.

Maybe it is some kind of Commander duty to not eat the food that is served among the people. Either way, Clarke gives Tamari a final thankful look before she let Lexa guide her away from the food stand.

The streets around Polis is full of different stands, stands with food, jewelry, even stands where one can get their hair braided. The streets are full of life as the big tower of Lexa’s building hovers over it. The shadow of it reflects a kind of majestic glow to the streets of the Capital.

Her eyes mesmerized by the things surrounding her, Clarke let’s her eyes take in every new detail. Every new thing that she must have missed the first time she visited.

She never remembered the Capital this way, but maybe then she didn’t look at it through the same eyes.

She let her curious eyes travel from her left where the young Grounder is getting her hair braided by the older warrior, to her right where she immediately finds Lexa staring back at her right by her side. She doesn’t say a word, just watches how Clarke’s eyes roam the city, trying to take in as much of it as possible. She doesn’t say a word as she guides Clarke through the sea of people and to the back of Polis. 

They continue to walk among the armored warriors, among the sea of people that smoothly spreads when they see the Commander walking through.

They continue to walk until the music of the drums softens and the laughter of the children slowly fades. They continue to walk until the sea of people lightens and the light from the flickering fire fades. They continue to walk until they find themselves in the quiet end of the Capital, the end where the chattering is lighter and the darkness slightly appears, the end that’s not as lit by the flickering fire as the rest of Polis.

They continue to walk until Lexa guides them to a stop at the end of a hill on the backside of Polis. The river that part the Trikru land from the Ice Nation’s just running beneath it. 

Clarke stops to let her eyes enjoy the view, taking in the things around her. Noticing how the moon now shines down over them, the light of it reflecting out on the river underneath. Watching how the darkness meets the edge of where the forest begins and the big field ends.

It’s so quiet. Only the wind is being heard as it dances through the trees, or the light chattering from within Polis. Clarke’s eyes roam through the view in front of her, her artistic eye finding the beauty in every hidden detail. It’s only when the light movement beside her shifts that Clarke brings her eyes back to Lexa who gently sits down on the grass. 

Her welcoming eyes looks up at Clarke, before she gestures for Clarke to join her as she nods down to the spot beside her.

A heavy breath sneaks out of Clarke’s mouth before she does what Lexa wishes and let’s her body sink down to the grass beside Lexa. She places the plate of food between herself and the woman to her side. Her stomach more than ready for her to finally devour the food as she gets a handful of mixed berries in her hand. 

‘’ I use to come here. ‘’ 

The silence suddenly breaks by the words coming out by the calm voice of Lexa, and Clarke immediately let her eyes travel to her.

Watching how Lexa’s gaze is far away, the moon shining down onto Lexa’s green eyes, making the color in them almost turn brighter. The light reflecting out onto her whole face, contouring the features in her face in the most magical way Clarke has ever seen it.

Closely she observes every small change in Lexa’s face. Noticing how her rigid jaw tightly clenches before she swallows down the thickness in the back of her throat.

‘’ To get away, sometimes I use to come here. ‘’

‘’ It is.. ‘

She stops for just a second, and Clarke watches how she almost fights to get the next words out. How she almost hesitates if she should let them out or not. 

‘’ .. calming. ‘’ 

Her head slightly turns, bright eyes glowing with the help of the moon as she stares into Clarke. The depth of them making it almost impossible for Clarke not to get lost, not to drown by the feeling of it.

Lexa has never been much for talking about her feelings but Clarke knows. She can tell by the softness in Lexa’s eyes or the clenching in her jaw when something affects her. So she smiles, reassuringly she nods back in response before she turns back to look at the view Lexa had just studied. 

‘’ It’s beautiful. ‘’ 

With the reassuring smile still plastered onto her face, Clarke glances back at Lexa. Her eyes catching the depth of green, slowly traveling down to notice the beginning of an hesitant smile covering Lexa’s lips as well.

Clarke has always admired how much can be told without the need of words among the Grounders. How much can be told with a fascinating silence and a telling body language.

It surprises Clarke how much she has come to enjoy it and how much she has learned to read it and really _ feel _ it. There can be something much more intimate in the lack of words and in the depth of silence that no words could ever be able to fill. 

With the wind gripping at her hair, soothing the racing of her heart and the unsteadiness in her veins, Clarke breathes out. The sigh leaving her mouth with a fog of air as it hits the cold outside.

She brings her hand up to her mouth, letting the berries down her hungry throat and into her starving stomach, noticing how Lexa watches her every move with the small smile still glued to her lips.

With a light touch, Clarke pushes the plate closer to Lexa. Maybe now that they are alone and without reach of sight, Lexa will accept the food and not let Clarke be the only one eating.

She watches as Lexa glances down on the plate full of food before she swallows thickly and looks back over at Clarke. With a simple nod Clarke assures Lexa that it is okay and pushes the plate even further toward her. 

‘’ Thank you, Clarke. ‘’ 

‘’ But I am not to eat the food served by the people. ‘’ 

A brow furrows slightly on top of Clarke’s forehead and the change in expression attracts a light laugh to leave Lexa’s mouth while the smile still remains on her lips.

She pushes the plate back towards Clarke and shortly after relaxes down in her spot on the grass. Even if Clarke had been somewhat right about how Lexa isn’t allowed to eat the food it still confuses her as to why it isn’t.

It is still the same food that she eats when she is alone in her room, so why can’t she eat it when it is taken directly from the food stands?

With a quick movement, Clarke reaches for the large chicken wing on the plate before she devours it. Her stomach growling with thankfulness and her mouth full she let’s the words pass through.

‘’ Why? ‘’ 

The sight of Clarke with her mouth full of food must have been a pleasing sight for Lexa’s eyes as she looks away with a bashful smile that she quickly tries to swallow down before she takes a deep breath and let’s the Commander facade cover back up. 

‘’ The Commander shall not waste the food of the people. ‘’ 

‘’ My people’s needs comes first. Their hunger comes first. ‘’ 

Clarke listens interested while she let’s Lexa explain the rules of her people. As she teaches Clarke about her culture and about their ways. Clarke always finds it so fascinating how different they are, yet how they are so much alike. 

‘’ You have to eat, though. ‘’ 

The words come out just above a whisper but they immediately make Lexa turn her head and glance back at Clarke. Her eyes softens by the knowledge that Clarke doesn’t really understand their ways even though she does her best to make her costume to it. 

‘’ I do. ‘’ 

‘’ The Commander have chosen warriors to hunt their food. ‘’ 

Clarke nods understanding before she takes another bite of the chicken. 

‘’ And what about this food? ‘’ 

‘’ The food that they serve among the people are hunted and cooked by the people who serve it. ‘’ 

‘’ Tamari is a hunter? ‘’ 

Lexa smiles. 

‘’ One of our best. ‘’ 

It doesn’t surprise Clarke, she knows that many of the grounders are taught at a very young age how to hunt. It’s something they all need to learn in order to care for themselves and survive. Because if they can’t care for themselves down here, they can’t survive on the ground. 

Clarke’s eyes fades from Lexa before they land back on the view in front of her. Remembering all the people trying to survive back at Arkadia.

With Pike as the chancellor it has almost become impossible to do so and those who don’t follow his lead are in great danger. 

Clarke swallows down the haunting memories and licks her dry lips before she turns to Lexa again. 

‘’ Lexa? ‘’ 

‘’ We _ need _ to talk. ‘’

Lexa nods calmly. 

‘’ I know. ‘’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- translations -
> 
> '' Wanheda, ste komba raun. '' = The commander of death is coming. 
> 
> '' Mochof '' = Thank you.


	2. update!

so first, i just wanna say that i am soooo glad that you seemed to enjoy the first chapter of this story. over 500 people have read it and i’m thankful to those who liked it and commented on it. i really wanted to know what you thought just because i wanted to know if it’s something that would be worth to continue on. i love to write and i love clarke and lexa and since you seemed to enjoy this too then i’m going to continue with it! I can’t tell you for sure how often i am going to update but i will do my best and i’ve already started on the next chapter so i’m hoping to have that out soon! 


	3. Chapter 3

  
With her hands clasped in her lap, Clarke watches how Lexa moves over the floor in her master bedroom. Eyes blue as the sky wanders over Lexa’s body, drinking in the sight of her, noticing the curves and all small forms of her body that is no longer hidden behind the full battle gear. 

They’d decided to continue their conversation inside once Lexa had found out what it was all about. Too many curious ears could be listening outside for them to discuss such a topic where there was a risk that the information could leak. 

‘’ Are you sure? ‘’ 

Lexa suddenly turns to face Clarke for the first time since they have entered the room. Her hands are clasped behind her back and her spine is rigid and strong. The words are firm but softly spoken as they leave Lexa’s mouth in a questionable tone and Clarke finds herself blinking away the recent thoughts of Lexa’s clean body before she can turn back to present and actually greet Lexa’s eyes. 

‘’ Yeah. ‘’

‘’ Yeah, I’m sure. ‘’ 

Clarke can clearly see the determination in Lexa’s eyes as a sigh sneaks up from the back of her throat and her feet move her away from Clarke once again. The thoughts and wonders so loud in her head that Clarke would be able to actually hear them if it wasn’t for the loud chattering that comes in through the open window in Lexa’s room. 

Clarke sighs and turn her eyes away from the window. It is starting to get dark now and the throbbing in her head is reminding her of the sleep she is lacking. She isn’t sure what time it is but by the fact that the candles scattered around the room are the only things that lights up the place she can tell that it’s getting late and Lexa’s bed is starting to seem more and more appealing. 

She fights away the urge to lie down and with her body heavy from the sleep she is craving, Clarke pushes herself up from Lexa’s couch to be able to get closer to her. Aching feet move her forward over the floor. Each step echoing through her distracted mind as she’s trying to get closer to Lexa.

‘’ Hey. ‘’ 

Lexa turns in her step. Absent eyes greet Clarke’s as Clarke stops right in front of her. 

‘’ Pike has been leading Skaikru for months, hurting everyone he sees as a threat. ‘’ 

‘’ If you could just help us to…’’

‘’ Clarke, ‘’

Lexa cuts her off. 

‘’ You have just given me the information that Skaikru are planning an attack if people are getting in their way. ‘’ 

  
Clarke stops suddenly by Lexa’s reminding words. Her face looks calm though Clarke knows that her mind is probably racing a thousand miles per hour, and when Lexa bites down the frustration on her face then Clarke knows that it is. 

‘’ Since Skaikru rejected the coalition there is nothing that I, nor the other twelve clans can do to help. ‘’ 

Clarke is starting to feel her fingers itch and her feet hard to keep still as she’s listening to what Lexa says. She knows that Lexa and the other clans have no obligation to keep her people safe but there must be something they can do to stop the war that is about to happen if they don’t.

Her eyes are locked on the floor between them and her mouth slightly open and ready to get words out, but the frustration only builds when none does. 

Lexa sighs and closes her eyes before Clarke can feel the heat of Lexa’s body get closer to her. 

‘’ I am sorry, but I _ have _ to set up the border again. ‘’ 

Lexa’s voice is calmer and quieter than before and when Clarke looks up to find Lexa’s eyes closed she notices that her whole expression looks softer. Her jaw is not as clenched and her brows not nearly as furrowed. 

‘’ How about you just..’’

‘’ .. extend the border? ‘’ 

Clarke mimics the calm of Lexa’s voice and it immediately makes her open her eyes. 

‘’ Maybe we can negotiate something with Pike if we just give them more land. ‘’ 

Clarke’s heart speeds up in pace as she nervously watches how Lexa drinks in every word. Her eyes scan every possible change in Lexa’s expression. Everything from the way the corner of her lip twitch and the tilt of her head raises, to how a deep and weightning sigh leaves the depth of her throat before she continues to speak with the same calm as before.

‘’ Clarke. ‘’

‘’ Several of the other clans are still doubting me for setting the border and not banishing Skaikru from all our lands in the first place. ‘’

Lexa shakes her head lightly and lowers her voice.

‘’ I can not risk my position by giving Skaikru more land, nor my people’s safety if I let the border stay gone. ‘’

Clarke stares into the depth of her forest-like eyes. Noticing the apology that is hidden behind them and the growing lump in the back of her own throat that the sight of it stirs. She wasn’t sure what she had expected but she knew that talking to Lexa had been her only choice. Lexa was the only one that could help them and now even she says that there’s nothing that she can do. 

Clarke can feel the puff of air that Lexa releases against the skin on her face as she takes a step forward. The warm touch of Lexa’s hand soon find its way to lay gently on Clarke’s upper arm. 

‘’ In the meantime, I would like for you to stay..”

“.. here. ‘’ 

Clarke looks up. Her searching eyes dig into Lexa. The temptation of the words carve themselves into Clarke’s skin, and the desperate want to stay with Lexa in Polis even if it’s just for a little while, burn into her bones and makes her heart ache in the most beautiful way.

She nods, slow and quietly before the big doors to Lexa’s bedroom opens and Titus’ familiar face appears.

The light touch of Lexa’s hand on her arm immediately fades as she quickly takes a step back and locks her hands behind her back, before she let’s the Commander facade cover back up. The tension inside the room changes in an instant and Clarke finds herself backing away from Lexa as well. 

‘’ Titus. ‘’ 

Lexa’s voice is firm and strong as she makes them aware of his presence. 

Clarke looks away. The energy shift in the room after Titus walked in only made it feel like all the air suddenly got sucked out and made it hard to breathe properly. Her hands find their way to the insides of the pockets on her leather jacket and she can’t help to notice Titus’ secret glances to her every now and then as he enters the room. 

‘’ Commander, I suppose we have some things to discuss. ‘’ 

‘’ Privately. ‘’ Titus adds. 

With a secret glance to Lexa, Clarke can notice how her whole body shifts before she responds in a quiet nod. Her solid body never moves except her small head tilt to Clarke’s side, and Clarke assumes that she’s attempting to hide her expressions.

‘’ I will be back shortly. ‘’ 

‘’ In the meantime I will find one of my warriors to bring you something more comfortable and then escort you to your room. ‘’

Clarke nods. Lexa’s words are not nearly as soft as before and it almost fascinates Clarke how quickly she can manage to get back to her position.

She almost wishes she can see the tiny hint if a shy smile on the corner of Lexa’s lips before she exits the room but with Titus in there too, she knows there’s no chance. A quick greet of her eyes is all she gets before Lexa lets her feet move her over the floor and after Titus out of the room. 

Clarke stands still. The doors echoes through the room as they close and the room immediately turns colder when she’s all alone. 

  
_________

  
  
The doors to the familiar room that Clarke almost has been longing for, opens gently as a woman not much younger than Clarke guides her inside.

Her hair is long and dark, braided down her back, and she doesn’t wear the same kind of armour like the rest of the Grounders.

Instead, she’s dressed innocently in a long, whipped cream colored dress. She holds a large wooden basket in her hands, filled with all kinds of things that Clarke could need.

She notices the soap, the towels and the fresh new clothes that Lexa had promised. She notices the smaller box with small knives and razors. Just the sight of it reminds Clarke of the want to lie down in a bath and just be able to clean herself and change out of the clothes that almost feels glued to her skin. 

The woman to her side is quiet in her position from where she stands, just inside the room by the door. Her round dark eyes is looking over Clarke before she hesitantly hands over the basket of Lexa’s things. Clarke figures that she doesn’t know much English, maybe not any at all, but luckily Clarke has caught up on some Grounder words and is almost useful in the language.

‘’ Oh uh,, mochof. ‘’ 

The woman smiles. Hesitantly but just enough for Clarke to notice and want to mimic it back. She smiles quietly before she backs out of the room and closes the doors after her.

It’s just then, when Clarke is left alone in her old room that all the memories comes back to her. Both painful and warming. All day she’s been so caught up in Lexa and Polis and the plans that she’d have to make that she hasn’t really had the chance to just let it all sink in. Let the feeling of it all embrace her body once again.

The grip around the basket tightens as Clarke glances around her old room. It all looks the same. Almost painfully close to how Clarke remembered it. This is it. This is where it all changed for her. This is where she finally had started to find her way back after months of feeling so lost in herself. This is where Lexa changed and the feelings that Clarke felt for her changed and became even clearer. This is the place where she had felt at peace for the first time since she’d landed on the ground. 

Clarke sighs. She is awfully tired and the basket in her hands is almost screaming for her to take a bath and change out of her dirty and sweat-streaked clothes.

She isn’t sure how to thank Lexa enough for the change of clothes that she had brought her, so she just pulls the basket closer to her face and closes her eyes by the smell that radiates from it. The captivating smell of berries that comes from the soap and the clean material of the clothes that just barely touches the tip of her nose. It almost doesn’t feel real to be back here. And it’s weird how normal it feels to actually be. 

Clarke lets her feet carry her over the floor and over to the back of the room where she knows that there’s a small bathroom to be found.

A small wooden wall that separates the bathroom from the rest of the room. A hidden place for her to finally sink down and take a relaxing and much needed bath.

It’s almost as if Clarke can feel her own clothes smell. Drowned in sweat and smoke from when she walked around the food stands all within Polis’ walls. Although, she knows that she can not complain. At least she is not hungry and at least she is able to take a bath and get cleaned. It’s more than she could’ve asked for and it’s all thanks to Lexa. 

Once she turns the corner of the wall in the back of her room, she finds herself standing in the hidden area. All lit up by a big window and of course, candles scattered around the room.

Some over on the small sink in the corner and others placed perfectly around the bath. Just as if it was all planned to be there. As if it was all perfectly placed for when Clarke would be there.

A calming sigh escapes her in a breath of fresh air, and she glances around the room. Slowly placing the basket on the floor beside the bath. 

Clarke lets the water run. Filling up the tub with fresh and clean water. She watches, watches with admiration and longing as more and more water fills the tub while her fingers start to itch for her to just take off all her clothes and get in.

While being on the ground, and especially with everything that’s going on, it’s almost as if Clarke forgets to take care of herself. It’s so easy to forget the most simple things, as cleaning, brushing her teeth or just fixing her hair. Here though, in Polis, it is as if she is reminded of everything after living in a fog of air. Here, they somehow manage to have access to exactly all the things she needs. 

Clarke brings up the Grounder’s own handmade razor. A short stick attached to a very sharp little knife at the top.

It is almost fascinating how they seem to find all of these solutions and how they can take the simplest things and make it so useful.

They used to have regular razors and toothbrushes at the Ark, but it was nothing compared to the stuff the Grounders use.

The things that they took with them to the ground got lost or wasn’t useful anymore after awhile anyway. Yet here, the Grounders are making all of these things themselves. Thinking about it, Skaikru have so much that they can learn from these people. 

Clarke takes a breath while she places the razor on the edge of the bath, and before she reaches to pull the jacket down from her shoulders.

The fabric hit the ground with a thud and Clarke immediately reaches for her pants. She can’t wait to finally get into the water and wash away all of the thoughts and anxiety that still feels stuck to her skin.

She pulls the pants down her bruised legs and her black shirt comes off with her bra and underwear soon after.

Three days on top of a horse with barely any food and with bad sleeping positions had left its marks on her body. Her back feels sore and her legs ache. Though, slowly she puts one foot after the other into the bath and completely lets the water embrace her body. 

  
__________

  
Clarke rolls onto her side, noticing the fire that has burned out from the candles beside her bed and the moonlight that sneaks in from outside and she realises that she has no idea how long time it’s been since Lexa left.

The younger woman that Lexa had sent to guide her to her old room with fresh new clothes to sleep in left her alone hours ago. And the comfortable bed that was just standing in the middle of the room had seemed way too tempting not to lie down in that Clarke must have actually fallen asleep. 

She moves to a sitting position, her body shockingly heavy with every movement she makes. The throbbing in her head feels almost worse than it did before she fell asleep and a shaky hand meets her forehead to carefully support it.

Clarke almost has to force her arms to pull away the fur from her body and her legs to move her out of bed, and immediately she can feel the cold greet her body. The cold air embracing her new shaved legs. 

She blinks. Her eyes still feel heavy from the sleep she just woke up from and she can’t stop the yawn that manage to sneak out of her mouth.

It feels like it’s been so long since she arrived to Polis but at the same time it doesn’t feel like any time have passed at all. Being here, and sleeping in her old bed feels shockingly normal and Clarke is surprised by how good it feels.

Once she glances around the room that she was once familiar with the first time that she visited Polis, she notices more and more stuff that she has missed. Like the view over the river outside of her window. Or all the different pencils and the canvas that Lexa had made sure to bring to her room to make her more comfortable the first time. 

‘’ _ I hope the view will inspire you. _ ‘’ 

Clarke can hear the reminding words echo through her mind as she thinks back to when Lexa had carefully let them out. Her hesitant movements as she had put the canvas near the window and the pencils just beside. How hostile Clarke had been with her actions and body language and how unsure Lexa had reacted to it. 

With slow movements she makes her way over to the canvas. Letting her fingers caress the white and clean material while her memories comes back to her.

The last time that Clarke had actually been drawing something was the last time that she was in Polis. The last time she felt peace and inspiration enough to do so.

Thinking about it, the drawing of Lexa is probably still somewhere in the tower, maybe still somewhere in Lexa’s room.

To be honest, Clarke has no idea what Lexa has done with the drawing, but a part of her hopes that she has kept it safe somewhere.

A shy smile sneaks up to her lips just by the thought of it. 

Clarke takes a breath as she thinks back to the old moments, but she’s not able to stay in them for long before loud and heavy footsteps echoes through the corridor outside her room.

The loud noises immediately startles her and the quiet whispers that’s following makes her stomach clench more than before. Her fingers leave the canvas in front of her as her legs begin to tiptoe her to the door.

Clarke is not sure if she should open it just enough to be able to see who’s outside or if the squeaking of the door will scare them away. 

‘’ I _ told _ you that we should have killed them when we had the chance but you are not listening to me, Heda. ‘’ 

It doesn’t take long for Clarke to recognize the voices. Titus’ strict whisper gives it away in an instant and Clarke immediately knows what it’s all about.

She can’t stop herself from getting closer to them and putting her ear against the wood of the door to be able to hear better. Her heart pounds in her chest, hard and fast enough that she’s scared that it will be heard.

‘’ You know that we need to send the girl home and stop this once and for all. ‘’

‘’ The border won’t be enough! ‘’ 

‘’ You know I _ can’t _do that. ‘’ 

Lexa sighs. Her tone is cold and almost angry as the words leave her mouth. Clarke can clearly hear the sound of Lexa’s boots move her over the floor, back and forth as Titus continues. 

‘’ She is Skaikru, Heda. ‘’ 

‘’ By having her here you are putting _ us all _ in danger. ‘’ 

‘’ You do not want a repeat of Costia. ‘’ 

Clarke can clearly feel Lexa go silent at that. The name itself even baffled Clarke, she can only imagine how the words affected Lexa.

With moments going by in what feels like an eternity Clarke holds her breath. Just waiting for the next to come. She closes her eyes. Feeling her heart clench inside her chest by the guilt that find its way to her. 

‘’ I suggest you go back to your room, _ Titus. _ ‘’

‘’ I do not need to hear about this tonight. ‘’ 

It goes silent. The heavy breaths leaving Clarke’s throat the only thing she can hear. It goes silent until the footsteps appears again and slowly fades as they walk down the corridor.

Clarke backs away from the door once she hears footsteps getting closer to her own door. With her hands starting to sweat and her heart only pounding faster, she backs away until the back of her legs hit her bed.

With her mouth slightly open she waits. Waits as the silence fills the room and the cold air finds its way down her lungs. She waits until she can hear three small knocks on her wooden door. The shadow of Lexa shines through on the floor below her and Clarke has to swallow down the dry lump that started to grow in the back of her throat. 

Clarke takes a breath before she let her feet sweep her over the cold floor. She suddenly feels guilty for bringing all these problems to Lexa and possibly just putting her in more danger.

Her heart drops in her chest as she quietly opens the door and greets Lexa on the other side. All geared up, Lexa meets her eyes. Her armor hanging over her shoulder and her eyes filled with exhaustion.

Clarke’s mouth feels dry suddenly, and her lungs struggling to get any air in. All she can do is watch Lexa as she stands quietly in front of her.

Clarke can’t help to notice the wistful expression spreading over Lexa’s face. Her hands hanging down the length of her body and her eyes burning into Clarke.

‘’ I did not mean to wake you. ‘’ 

Clarke shakes her head. 

‘’ You didn’t. ‘’ 

A small nod comes out in a form of response before Lexa’s eyes meet the ground between them for just a second.

Clarke can notice the hard swallow down Lexa’s throat and how her fingers clench by her sides before she looks up again. 

‘’ I would have invited you to stay in my room if you find it more comfortable. ‘’

‘’ Though I could not let it be known to Titus. ‘’

Clarke understands and blinks away the words.

‘’ I know. This room is fine. ‘’ 

Lexa nods again. The hint of a careful smile trying to find the corners of her lips but failing miserably, and Clarke’s heart aches at the sight.

She want to ask, more than anything what Lexa has been up to for the last couple of hours. But by the exhaustion that covers Lexa’s eyes, she holds back. It doesn’t feel like the right time nor place to discuss it but it’s all the words that Clarke can think about. _ Just ask. _

Lexa is quiet for a long time before her soft voice suddenly breaks the silence in a small whisper.

‘’ I will let you go to sleep, I only wanted to make sure that you had settled in all right. ‘’ 

The softness in her voice and the way Lexa has always cared for her only makes Clarke ache for her more. Only makes her forget about their duties and just make her want to _ be with her._

Clarke lets her eyes travel over her, drinking in the sight of her and every well known detail. And just as Lexa is about to turn in her step and walk back to her own room, Clarke stops her. 

‘’ Hey, ‘’

Lexa turns back. She knows. She knows Clarke all too well to understand what Clarke wants to have said before she even needs to say it. Maybe that is for the best because no matter how hard she tries, Clarke can not seem to get any words out.

Her mouth is left dry and empty and her mind is searching for the right questions while her eyes burn into Lexa’s. 

‘’ There is no need for you to worry, Clarke. ‘’

‘’ Make sure you get some rest and we can talk tomorrow. ‘’

Lexa is looking at her with the weight of the world in her eyes, the same weight that Clarke can feel build up inside her. Clarke wants to help her. She wants to take some of the weight from her, take back the weight that she put there today. The guilt she feels for bringing all this to Lexa weights her down in a way she didn’t think it would. Coming here she had no idea of the kind of pressure she would put on Lexa, and even on herself. 

‘’ Good night, Clarke. ‘’

Lexa’s words are soft as they find themselves all the way down her soul. The words settling in and warming her up in a way only her words are able to. 

‘’ Yeah, you too. ‘’

No matter how hard she tries, Clarke can’t get any better words to leave her mouth. But Lexa doesn’t seem to need it anyway.

She shifts in her position once again, her lingering look stays on Clarke as long as it can before she turns around and walks over to her own room on the other side of the hall.

Clarke watches how Lexa greets the guards outside her room before her eyes turns back to Clarke. She watches with an hesitant smile how she slowly walks inside and when Lexa’s door is finally shielding them from seeing each other, the small smile on Clarke’s lips shortly fades. 

She tries not to think about the emptiness that fills her body by watching Lexa return to her own room. Or by the knowledge that Lexa didn’t want to tell her what she has been up to. Trusting that Lexa knows what she’s doing is the only way for Clarke to relax a bit and maybe be able to fall asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- translation- 
> 
> mochof = thank you.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait for this chapter! I’ve been away on vacation so that’s why it’s a little late but now it’s here! This chapter is a little longer than the others but I hope you don’t mind :) 
> 
> Also, since I like to make fanvids too I’ve now made a fanmade trailer to this story. Of course it’s not 100% accurate but I did my best to make it as close as possible. For those of you who are interested it will soon be posted on my twitter account @ corneliaolivias , so keep an eye out for that but other than that, enjoy! :)

Sunlight streams in through every crack in the tower and into Clarke’s bedroom, they warm her closed eyelids as they land on her, and red dots fills her awaken sight before she blinks them away.

The first night spent back in Polis felt unexpectedly good and Clarke’s warm bed felt way more comfortable than she had remembered it. Clarke isn’t sure if it’s just because she felt so incredibly tired the night before or if her old bed actually is way more comfortable than she had first thought. It could very well be a mix of both but either way, Clarke doesn’t feel like it matters.

For the first time in months she feels fully rested and if it wasn’t for the excitement of being back, she’s sure that she could have slept way longer. 

She adjusts slowly to the brightness in the room, and when her mind truly realize where she is, a warm feeling sneaks up to settle in her chest. A feeling both calming yet anxious when she starts to remember the conversation she overheard last night.

Clarke can clearly hear all the shouting from the outside by the warriors that are already up, and the light footsteps by the Grounders that are walking around outside her room. A smile sneaks up to her face.

Skaikru spent so much time being afraid of the Grounders and now, Clarke feels shockingly more safe to wake up here than back at Arkadia. Here she can hear the children running outside her window, here she’s not woken up by aggressive screams or her mother’s anxious eyes. 

Clarke lets a yawn sneak up from the back of her throat and out of her mouth before she pulls her body to a sitting position. She gladly welcomes the calm in the air around her to her body and soul, letting it all captivate her.

It’s been long since Clarke was able to feel so calm when she woke up, especially with everything that’s been going on, but maybe that’s just the effect the Capital has on a person. A sort of healing effect. 

She pulls at the furs on her bed and scoots to sit on the edge. Her clean but still bruised legs hanging down, letting the air from around her greet her skin.

It is not nearly as cold during the day as it is at night and that is something that Clarke is thankful for. She has never been much for cold and luckily has never had to experience the ground during the winter part of the year.

All she knows are the fairy tales and stories about snow and how magical it is said to be, but honestly, Clarke can’t seem to understand why. 

She sighs before she blinks away the recent thoughts of all the magical stories about snow and happiness, and let her legs move her out of bed.

The new folded clothes Lexa had given her lays visibly on the chair beside. A relieved puff of air comes out of Clarke’s mouth and calms the speeding of her heart when she realizes that she doesn’t have to change back into the clothes that she got here in. _ Thank you Lexa _, is all that she can think about.

It doesn’t take long for Clarke to take off the clothes that Lexa let her sleep in and instead change into the new ones, way more comfortable than the leather she had on her ride here. 

Clarke leaves the old clothes folded on the chair in her room before she opens the doors and is greeted by the rest of Polis.

Cold wind runs through the tower, making the hair on Clarke’s body rise and goosebumps to cover her skin even from under the sweater she is wearing. Her eyes travel around her, taking in the new surroundings before they land on the doors to Lexa’s room on the other side of the hall.

The big doors that usually stays closed are now wide open, and Clarke’s heart speeds up in pace embarrassingly fast. She is almost painfully aware of the tightness that appears in her chest while her mind tries to decide if she should walk over or not.

No voices can be heard from within but Clarke can clearly hear someone wander around inside and a part of her is hoping that it’s Lexa, another part is secretly hoping that she’s alone.

Unsure legs guide her forward before she has time to think, and Clarke finds herself getting closer and closer to the big doors. She can still not hear any voices and the chances of finding only Lexa increases and so does the speeding of Clarke’s heart by the thought of it.

No guards are anywhere near to be found close to entrance of Lexa’s room, luckily Titus isn’t either. 

“ Lexa? “ Clarke stops abruptly in her step as soon as she reaches the entrance. Standing still just by the doors she searches Lexa’s room. It’s quiet, and she immediately finds Lexa sitting calmly on her couch with the woman Clarke met yesterday right behind her.

She has her hands tangled in Lexa’s hair, braiding it down her back, and they both stop to glance over directly at Clarke and the sight of it makes the heart in her chest just drop. 

“ Oh uh,, sorry I didn’t mean to..- “ 

The energy quickly changes, at least from Clarke’s side of the room.

Her hand reaches for the handle of the door, needing something to hold on to from where she stays in silence, needing something to keep her occupied when no words are able to leave her mouth through the thickness in her throat.

An unexplainable guilt finds her core by looking at Lexa , just as if she had walked in on something she shouldn’t, just as if she had walked in on something too personal for her to see, but Lexa immediately stops her. 

“ No. Come on in. “ Lexa’s words are calm and soothing, it doesn’t seem like it bothered her at all that Clarke walked in, and the reassurance immediately calms the sudden speeding of Clarke’s heart. 

“ Bants osir. “ 

The woman behind Lexa pulls away from Lexa’s hair before she nods back in response and gets up from the couch.

Clarke watches every move she makes, hesitant to move before the woman has left the room, and when she has, Clarke’s eyes immediately falls back to Lexa. Her eyes wanders over Lexa’s body, noticing how she’s not as dressed up as the night before. Her armor is gone and she is left in a more comfortable black shirt that’s just barely exposing the skin on her shoulders. 

“ You look rested. “ 

A hidden smile is glued to Lexa’s face while she observes the features in Clarke’s.

She is right, Clarke feels more rested than she has in a long time and she is surprisingly welcoming the feeling.

She let her eyes meet the floor while a bashful smile spreads out over her face and her feet begins to move her body forward. 

The smile never once leaves Lexa’s lips either and the sight only makes the tightness in Clarke’s chest grow stronger.

A big breath fills her lungs in an attempt to ease it but it only results in a small gasp leaving her mouth. A noise that Clarke is almost certain that Lexa was able to hear as well.

She tries to swallow down the thickness in her throat before blue eyes lock with green and she instantly notices Lexa’s small head tilt to the empty space beside her. A small gesture but something still so clear and strong for Clarke to move her unsure legs closer to the couch and carefully sit down. 

The sudden nervousness and hesitation that Clarke feels whenever she is around Lexa is something that has become so common even though they have been intimate with each other before and even though they’ve known each other for so long now.

Clarke can’t figure out why that is or why she always feels so unlike herself and at so unease when Lexa is around her. How she’s able to completely take the breath out of her chest, or how she makes her stumble on her words or how her heart completely clenches as soon as Lexa even looks at her.

It didn’t use to be like this, before she used to feel way more confident and dared to speak up to Lexa way more than she does now. 

With the thought spinning in her head, Clarke starts to realize that it isn’t that she doesn’t feel confident or doesn’t dare to stand up to Lexa. It is just something so unfamiliar and so new that takes over her and takes control over everything she feels. Whenever Lexa is around, whenever her name is mentioned, Clarke feels completely out of control and in the best possible way.

She isn’t sure when those feelings started and when the thought of Lexa took control over every cell in her body, but one thing Clarke knows for sure is that they’ve gotten way stronger since their first time together and after all the months they had to spend apart. 

A wide smile covers every inch of Clarke’s face with the thoughts that keeps her mind occupied. She tries to blink them away and her shaky hands does their best to calm her with the movements on her thighs.

Clarke can clearly feel Lexa’s eyes burn into her, studying the features and every small change on Clarke’s face and it only makes her shy away more. Although, when Clarke does meet Lexa’s eyes she notices that a careful smile is stuck onto her lips as well. 

” Uhm, may I? “ 

Clarke clears her throat and nods towards Lexa’s hair. An hesitant question that Lexa quickly catch up on before she lightly tilts her chin down and blinks back in response.

Her body shifts to get a better reach before Clarke’s unsure fingers start to take over what the other woman had already started on.

Clarke is slow and steady in her touch as her fingers start to tangle themselves in Lexa’s hair. It feels soft, yet slightly matted as a few strands of hair runs between Clarke’s fingers.

A calming silence fills the room in an instant, it releases the tightness in Clarke’s chest just slightly but when Clarke’s eyes starts to wander over Lexa’s back the speeding of her heart only increases.

Her chest raises in a heavy rhythm while her eager eyes dance over Lexa’s back, trying to study every change in Lexa’s body. Clarke can clearly feel Lexa’s heavy breaths under the tip of her fingers as well, and she can’t help to notice how Lexa’s whole body relaxes just from Clarke’s touch.

It is something so magical in the way that they both seem to be able to affect the other. Clarke has never felt anything like it and now she doesn’t want to ever feel anything else. 

Clarke draws in a big breath to her lungs before she licks the dryness off her lips. A million things starts spinning in her head while her hands starts to braid Lexa’s hair. Thoughts about the two of them, thoughts about Arkadia and thoughts about Costia.

Clarke can still feel her body tense up when she remembers Titus’ mention of the name the night before. She can still feel how her heart completely stopped when the silence filled in and Lexa became quiet. Guilt mixed with anger and sorrow filled her chest with a weighing ache.

Clarke looks up from where she’s braiding Lexa’s hair. Lexa looks calm, relaxed. She hasn’t talked much about Costia but Clarke knows that she meant something special from the things that Lexa has told her.

Still, Clarke wants to ask. A million heavy questions running around in her head. Questions she isn’t sure if she can ask and questions she isn’t sure if Lexa wants to hear, yet it is the only thing she can think about. 

Clarke takes a deep breath, letting the cold air in to fill her heavy lungs before she clears her throat. 

“ I heard you last night. “ 

Clarke can immediately feel Lexa tense up under her touch, and how the breath completely leaves her chest. So Clarke waits.

With careful eyes she studies every change in Lexa’s body language, hesitant if she’s clear to keep going or if she should stop just there. But Lexa doesn’t say anything, instead she’s listening patiently, so Clarke takes that as a cue to continue. 

'' I didn’t mean to, I just..” Clarke shrug her shoulders and swallows down thickly while she keeps her fingers occupied in Lexa’s hair. 

“ You haven’t talked much about her. “ 

“.. about Costia. “ 

Clarke can feel Lexa go numb by the name. Her whole body stops as if she’s holding her breath, and at this point Clarke is glad that she’s not able to actually see Lexa’s face.

A feeling of guilt sneaks up to grip tightly around Clarke’s heart and her fingers starts fumbling in Lexa’s hair when she starts to realize that maybe she overstepped.

Seconds starts feeling like hours when Lexa stays quiet, and Clarke isn’t sure what to say next. Instead she observes. Her eyes stay still on Lexa’s back, trying to read the changes from what she’s trying to see on Lexa’s face. It’s silent until Clarke can feel Lexa suck in a deep breath to her lungs. 

“ What would you like to know? “ 

The words come out just above a small whisper as they leave Lexa’s lips, and the sudden response almost shocks Clarke.

She had almost given up the hope that Lexa would answer and figured that Costia was a topic not to discuss, and now, Clarke has no idea what to say next.

She stressfully searches for the words, the right words. Words that she can ask, and words that are not invading Lexa’s, _ nor Costia’s _, personal and private history. 

Clarke swallows thickly. The nervousness she feels has started to grow a heavy lump in the back of her throat, making it almost painful for her to even breathe, let alone talk. 

“ Anything. “ 

Lexa sighs, and Clarke stays still. Almost too hesitant to even move the slightest. A weighting ache of sadness and loss clouds Lexa’s features, the strength of it running over to Clarke. Making the throb in her chest clench and twist painfully hard. 

“ Costia was the first person that I..- “ 

Lexa stops. Fighting through the words that doesn’t want to leave her mouth. Every sentence leaving her lips slow and softly. 

“ It was not long after I was chosen, and I was yet able to separate things that needed to be separated. “ 

“ Feelings? “ Clarke asks carefully and Lexa nods. 

“ The other clans soon started to notice and believed that I put my people’s lives at risk. “ 

Lexa stops again and Clarke immediately notice how her jaw clenches, hard. She almost feels bad for bringing this up when she starts to notice Lexa’s reaction to it and how it affects her in every small way. 

“ So they took her. “ Lexa swallows thickly and a big, hard breath fills her chest.

The pain Clarke starts to feel rise up inside her, sneaking its way to her core almost makes it hard to breathe. Lexa has been through so much, probably more than Clarke can even imagine and it’s clear how much Lexa blames herself for all of it, how much blame she feels for Costia’s death. 

Clarke hadn’t even noticed that she had stopped braiding Lexa’s hair. She just fully realize it when she finds her hand travel down to land gently on Lexa’s thigh. A comforting touch being at least one small thing she can offer. 

“ Hey, “ Lexa turns in her position. Doll eyes meeting Clarke’s and just the sight of it clenches Clarke’s heart even harder. She takes a breath before she lets the next words continue. 

“ You didn’t kill Costia. “ 

Clarke tries to reassure her. She doesn’t want Lexa to spend the rest of her life feeling guilty for a death so painful. That is a type of heartache not even the strongest warrior can carry.

Lexa’s jaw clenches and a hard swallow runs down her throat while her sorrowful eyes dig into every bone in Clarke’s body. 

“ No. “ Lexa agrees, the words coming out just above a small whisper. 

“ I did not kill her, not literally. “ 

“ But she died _ because _ of me. “ 

Clarke sighs heavily, a big breath that trembles between her ribs.

There is nothing that she, or anyone else can do to change what happened. To change the tragedy that Lexa still has her scars from.

From what Clarke has learned, this is the life that comes with the Spirit, but it doesn’t stop her from hating how Lexa has fallen the victim of it.

No words are good enough for Clarke to find but she doesn’t need to, because Lexa knows. Instead a hand falls down to lay gently on top of Clarke’s. The immediate touch makes Clarke glance down on Lexa’s lap where both of their hands are now touching.

Warm skin caressing the other. Smooth fingers sweeping over Clarke’s flesh.

Clarke always feels safer when Lexa touches her. Safe and grounded, and soothed by the knowledge that Lexa is so understanding. A simple touch is all she needs and Clarke wishes that she’s able to do the same for Lexa. That her touch is something that can comfort her, even if it’s just in the slightest. 

One loud knock on the door breaks them apart a moment later. The warmth of Lexa’s hand fades in an instant before she pulls her body up from the couch.

Clarke watches as Lexa quickly and smoothly adjusts her clothes and clears her throat before she calls for the Grounder to enter.

Curious eyes keeps studying Lexa before they land back on the door that heavily opens.

Clarke stays quiet, quiet from where she’s still sitting in her position on the couch. Calmly she watches as the doors opens and a tall warrior walks in.

Clarke can’t help but letting her eyes travel over the Grounder. He’s dressed in heavy dark armors and has a long black beard covering most of his dirt-filled face.

His eyes travel between them but lingers a little too long on Clarke. His dark eyes makes her whole body feel cold and numb, there’s something intimidating in his look and Clarke finds herself looking away again. Something too hurtful in his eyes for Clarke to keep looking, something that made every organ in her body feel like it got turned upside down. 

Clarke licks her lips and breathes heavily before she glances over at Lexa for safety. Just watching her as she stands with her spine rigid and her hands clasped behind her back comforts Clarke and calms the speeding of her heart. 

“ Sha, Malachi? “ 

Lexa’s voice is strong, demanding and the words makes the Grounder turn his eyes from Clarke and over to Lexa instead. Just knowing that his eyes aren’t burning into her skin anymore is relaxing enough. Clarke keeps her eyes locked far away from both Lexa and the warrior while her whole body shifts in her seat to be as far from him as possible. 

“ Fiya, Heda. “ 

Clarke tries to listen carefully, but word after word comes out the depth of his mouth that Clarke can’t understand.

They sound strict, aggressive. It’s first when the mention of her own people comes out that she reacts. _ Skaikru_. Her whole body freezes and her eyes immediately falls back to Lexa.

Clarke isn’t sure what have just been said but by the way Lexa raises her head and shoots a weighing look to Clarke’s side, she knows it can’t be good.

Her whole body starts feeling cold yet her hands starts sweating more and more.

Questions spin in her head while she looks between the warrior and back at Lexa. It is something so frustrating in the knowledge that someone is talking about her people, yet she has absolutely no idea of what have just been said. It makes Clarke feel out of control, it makes her feel like she’s sinking, slowly, and she hates it. 

“ What’s going on? “ 

Clarke rushes up from the couch and is by Lexa’s side quicker than she planned. The sudden movement making both the warrior and Lexa tense and shift uncomfortably in their positions.

Clarke doesn’t care, the need to know what happened fills her body with an energy bigger and stronger than she’s able to contain.

She crosses her arms in front of her chest before her eyes travel back and forth between the other people in the room. Both of them silent and neither of them meeting Clarke’s eyes.

It goes silent, the air floating with electricity between them as quiet stares shoots between one another. Clarke glances to her side. Lexa stands still, frozen in her step with her hands behind her back. Her eyes looks far from present and the only noticeable movement is the heavy rhythm of her raising chest. 

“ Clarke, I am going to need for you to stay here. “ The words are solid and clear, yet they still baffles her as they leave Lexa’s mouth. The quiet command takes the breath out of Clarke’s lungs and leaves her open-mouthed.

Clarke was the one who came to Lexa with information and for help and now she feels like she is the one knowing the least. 

Clarke shakes her head and moves closer to Lexa’s side. “ No. “ “ No way. “ 

Lexa shoots a surprised yet daring look to Clarke’s side. Her eyes locking with Clarke’s while she stays silent. 

“ I’m going with you. “ Clarke lowers her chin, trying to get a better view at Lexa’s face. But Lexa’s face is hard, unmoved and Clarke can’t seem to reach through. Especially not with the other warrior in the room.

Lexa’s eyes burn through Clarke, making her feel like Lexa can read all that’s on her mind. Her eyes are determined yet a small softness is hidden deep inside them before Lexa lightly shakes her head. 

“ You can not come with me Clarke. “ 

“ I am asking for you to wait for me here. “ 

The statement is clear. There is no way that Lexa is going to let Clarke come with her to whatever it is that she has to rush to. Maybe it is dumb of Clarke to even try. Yet the frustration builds inside her. Her hands turn to fists and her eyes locks on the ground between them with a deep sigh leaving the tip of her tongue.

Her furrowed brows makes the wrinkles on her forehead just barely noticeable, her body feels warm and her legs are almost painfully hard to keep still.

All Clarke wants is to run when she sees Lexa leave the room together with Malachi. It is hard to contain the desperate want to follow Lexa out of the room and the curiousness she feels fill her bones isn’t helping either. Still, she is yet again left in a room, high up in the tower of Lexa’s building. 

It’s only when Clarke starts hearing shouts from outside that her body reacts. Her legs move her forward with a will of their own, desperate for her to reach the big balcony in Lexa’s room.

Eager eyes searches the ground beneath her while the wind keep grabbing at her shoulder-length hair. She is terrifyingly high up but Clarke is still able to notice all the warriors, several of them surrounding the smaller figure standing in the middle.

Clarke watches curiously as Lexa exchanges words to another man. It is way too far for Clarke to hear but loud shouting is soon finding her ears as not only one, but several warriors throw themselves on the back of their horses, all including Lexa.

____________

Clarke spends the rest of the day strolling down the streets of Polis. Her loud mind hasn’t been able to think about anything other than Lexa and her thoughts have been occupied with the questions that appears.

It’s been hours and Lexa hasn’t returned. It is crazy and shocking how different the Capital feels without the presence of her. It all suddenly feels bigger, colder and most of all more lonely.

The kind of warm safety that Clarke feels whenever Lexa is close to her side is now replaced by a paranoid emptiness. Now she feels haunting eyes stare at her from every way and angle. Clarke can’t tell if it is her mind playing tricks on her or if the Grounders around her actually are looking at her more than before.

Her chest starts to twist just by the thought and the more Clarke glances around her, the more eyes she sees stare back at her.

A trembling sets in between her ribs and a growing pain appears deep in her throat. For the first time since she’s been in Polis she suddenly feels so out of place. 

Clarke sneaks to the side. The sight of the young girls becomes her escape from the taller and much stronger warriors. Clarke finds herself walking over to one of the girls. Her hair is long and dark braided, and her body is wrapped in a simple white dress-like fabric. She is quick to turn when she feels Clarke presence beside her and their eyes immediately locks.

With a careful smile plastered onto Clarke’s face, she reads the signals from the other girl. Her eyes are dark like the night sky and small dimples appears on both her cheeks when she smiles back.

Clarke notices that her hand is covered in red paint and when she glances around, she sees that all the girls have their hands covered in different colors. It is only when she looks up that Clarke’s eyes find the wall.

A stone wall covered with handprints in different colors. Hands in all different sizes.

The racing of Clarke’s heart calms down in an instant while her artistic eye finds the beauty in front of her. Eyes travel over the wall, trying to take in as many details as possible and from everything she sees, she becomes just as fascinated. 

With her mouth slightly open she feels a light tug at the hem of her sweater. The touch pulls Clarke’s attention from the wall and back to the young girl beside her. The big smile is still glued to her round cheeks while words that Clarke can’t understand leaves her mouth.

She does her best to figure out what the girl is saying, but no matter how hard she tries her brain won’t cooperate and Clarke’s mind is not able to understand enough words. 

Clarke sighs and shakes her head lightly. “ I’m sorry, I don’t understand. “ 

The young girl lets go of Clarke’s shirt and more of the other girls have now turned their attention to Clarke. Several of them starts walking over to her and she soon feels a light grip around her wrist before the young girl pulls Clarke closer to the table with all the paint.

Clarke’s artistic eyes travel fascinated over the table, noticing wooden bowls with all kinds of different colors made by the fruit and berries from the forest. With a quick glance to her side, Clarke’s eyes lock with the shorter girl.

Her head lightly nods towards the paint and when Clarke doesn’t respond, she feels a light grip around her wrist once again. She dips Clarke’s hand slowly into one of the bowls and Clarke soon finds red wet paint covering her hand too.

She continues to let the girl silently guide her hand up to the wall, and Clarke watches fascinated as the red color sticks to it and the figure of Clarke’s hand remains. 

It is something so simple but something that becomes so beautiful once Clarke takes a step back and studies the whole wall.

The mark of her own hand blends in almost perfectly well with the rest of the Grounder’s. A feeling both warm yet heart wrenching sneak up through her bones to grip painfully around her chest the more Clarke studies the artwork in front of her.

Looking at her hand in the sea of the others only reminds her of the knowledge that no matter how hard she tries, Clarke will never become one of them. The smile plastered onto her face shortly fades by the realization that hits her. 

“ I see you have found the wall of hope. “ 

Clarke immediately turns to find the familiar face of the voice she just recognized. His small figure moves forward and closer to Clarke’s side.

It is something that makes her more relaxed and makes her breathe easier by seeing his familiar face, especially in a place this big and where Clarke already feels like an outcast. 

“ Wall of hope? “ Clarke asks confused and Aden nods. 

“ It is what we call it. “ 

Clarke glances back up, hundreds of handprints covers the stone wall but it is nothing more than that, handprints in different colors and sizes. Aden must have noticed the confusion spreading wide over Clarke’s face as he clears his throat and continues. 

“ Some put their hand or someone else’s on the wall to wish them hope in battle. “ 

Clarke’s eyes land back on the young girl. Her smile is wide on her face before she shyly looks away and runs back to her friends. 

“ Some return and we honor those who don’t. “ 

Clarke reacts at that. Her eyes scans the stone wall once again. A new feeling of sorrow and grief washes over it as Clarke notice all the handprints. This time she looks, they all have a different meaning.

Clarke freezes in her step when she feels the heart inside her chest drop by the sight of the small hands of the children. Hands too small to belong to someone strong enough to go into battle and survive. A weighting ache fills Clarke’s chest and her whole face turns stone cold.

The world around her starts feeling smaller and the voices from around echoes through her ears. Her chest only tightens when Clarke suddenly glances to her side and lets her eyes travel over all the girls once again. All of them with paint on their hands, all of them with a new fresh print on the wall. 

Clarke lets a heavy breath into her lungs and the thought that comes to her mind a moment later immediately makes her turn to Aden. 

“ Is the Commander..-? “ 

Aden nods and points to a print higher up on the wall, but just high enough to be in Lexa’s reach. The familiar hand being the only one covered in black paint and is more than noticeable in the sea of the others. Clarke’s body freezes and a trembling sets between her ribs by the sight. 

“ And yours ..? “ The words comes out in a heavy breath but Aden shakes his head lightly. 

“ I have yet been in battle. “ 

Clarke nods understanding at the words. 

“ But I hope to live a life worth honoring once my hand does come up on this wall. “ 

“ A life worth to be remembered. “ 

Aden sighs and Clarke glances over to him at that. The words stick to her._ A life worth to be remembered. _ Clarke nods over to the girl which makes Aden follow her gaze too. 

“ Does she think I have a life worth being remembered? “ The words are soft and slowly spoken as they leave the depth of Clarke’s mouth. It was hard for even herself to think that her life was worth remembering. All the things she’s done, all the ghosts that are haunting her. Was all of that worth being remembered? Aden shrug his shoulders and smiles. 

“ Maybe she just want to wish your spirit hope. “ 

Clarke smiles back, weakly but just enough for Aden to notice. He turns in his step and Clarke silently follows him away from the haunting wall and down the streets of Polis.

Her searching eyes wanders over his small body. Noticing the armor on his clothes and how heavy it must be to carry. He has a small knife attached to his side, the usual sword that Clarke has seen before is now gone.

It always shocks Clarke to think about how young the Grounders actually are when they start their training to become warriors, and how normal it is for them to send a child to battle. Just thinking about how Lexa wasn’t much older than Aden when she took over as the Commander sends a shiver down Clarke’s spine and her whole core feels frozen just by the thought. 

“ Hey, Aden..-“ Aden looks over at Clarke. He waits patiently as she begins searching for the words. Her lips feels dry suddenly and Clarke is unsure of what question to pick from the millions running around in her head already. She swallows thickly through the lump in her throat and her fingers play with the hem of her sweater. 

“ Are you scared to go into the Conclave? “ 

They both stop in their steps. Clarke’s eyes observes every feature in Aden’s face. His eyes looks calm yet his chin tilts down in a small nod. 

“ But fear is a feeling that should be recognized.“ Aden starts and Clarke listens interested. 

“ It only means that you have a life that you care for. “ 

Clarke lets the words settle into her skin. She has always found the way the Grounders think so interesting, their wisdom and knowledge is something that inspires her every day. Their way of thinking is just something so new and something so different from what Clarke is used to. They make everything seem so simple, but maybe it is.

Clarke tries to remember the last time she felt afraid, so afraid that she feared for her life but lately she hasn’t had many of those moments.

She remembers spending the first weeks on the ground terrified when death after death happened, but then it all just became so natural and it all started blending together in a big mess. The war and everything she has been through, everything she has done with her bare hands have changed her. It has taken the fear from her and replaced it with something else. Sure, she has felt fear for other people but it’s been a long time since Clarke feared for herself. 

Aden’s eyes stares into Clarke, the feeling pulses in every part of her and the tightness she feels in her chest increases the more they stay silent. Clarke licks the dryness off her lips, she can feel her throat grow tight and does her best to blink away the knowledge that hit her. 

“ Maybe that explains why I’m not scared anymore then. “ 

  
  


____________

  
  


Clarke spends the rest of the day by Aden’s side. His presence spreads out a comforting feeling of safety in the air around him.

Clarke isn’t sure if it is because he is one of the few people here who actually understands what she says and who she can have a full conversation with, or if it is by the way he reminds her of Lexa. Clarke knows that Aden has a special bond to her, and that he made promises to Lexa to keep Clarke and Skaikru safe.

Maybe she gets that comforting feeling by knowing that in a way, it feels like Lexa is always with her in a rather spiritual way whenever Aden is around.

So she spends her waiting by his side, following him around the walls of the Capital while he shows her more things that she must have missed in her first visit to Polis. He shows her the practice room, and tells her how all the nightbloods spends many of their hours in there, training for the conclave. He lets her know more about them. Telling her how he got moved to Polis when he was five years old because he got caught as a nightblood by one of Lexa’s warriors.

It is a rather heart wrenching story to hear how the warriors scan the villages of every clan, turning their houses upside down and breaking apart families in their hunt for a nightblood. It is such a cruel life to be forced to be taken from your family and then fight to death against children your own age, to spend the rest of your life being restricted by the Commander’s spirit. 

Clarke’s heart sinks in her chest by the thought that sets in her mind and the memories replaying in her head.

She has seen what the spirit has done to Lexa. How it affects her and breaks her down until she can barely breathe. She has heard Lexa whimper in her sleep and noticed how her body can’t seem to relax by the ghosts in her brain. She has seen all too much of how the spirit scars Lexa, how much it hurts her to make the difficult choices that the spirit is forcing her to do every day.

Clarke can’t help but wonder what it would have been like if Lexa wasn’t chosen. Would their lives be any different or would the different sides of the war keep them apart either way? After all, Lexa belongs in Trikru and no matter how hard Clarke tries, she will always be Skaikru. 

Clarke barely even noticed that they stopped walking until she finds herself glancing around the big hall of the stone tower. She blinks away the recent thoughts in her head and finds herself standing mid between Lexa’s tall doors and her own bedroom door. The darkness is still sweeping out from Lexa’s room and her doors looks untouched from when Clarke left them, meaning Lexa is still not back and neither are any news about why she left in the first place.

Clarke sighs. She miss seeing the light from the candles reflecting out a glow on the floor from the gap under her doors. Lexa has only been gone for a few hours, but it feels like Clarke has barely seen her since she arrived to Polis.

The feelings sets to her core, making her throat feel dry yet burning like fire. 

“ Are you well? “ Aden’s words draws her back in. Making her blink away the wetness in her eyes and swallow down the burning in her throat.

Clarke had never known that it was possible to miss another person the way she misses Lexa. She has never done it before, not in the same way, and now she seems to miss Lexa as soon as she is not by her side.

Clarke turns to face Aden more properly before she tugs her hair behind her ear. 

“ Yeah,“ 

“ Thank you for today. “ 

Aden tilts his chin down in a gentle nod while a genuine smile covers his face. 

“ Will you be okay from here on? “ This time, Clarke smiles. The soft reassurance makes her heart almost melt and Clarke can’t help to notice the warmth that spreads in her chest by knowing that someone actually cares for her well being.

She hasn’t had much of it lately and even if it was just such a simple thing as the words of a child, it still felt so meaningful to hear it. 

“ Yes, thank you. I’m sure I’ll manage. “ 

Aden once again nods back in response before he almost bows before her. The sudden movement making Clarke take a step back and just watch before the young warrior looks back up at her again. With her mouth half agape she watches his every step. 

“ Good night, Wanheda. “ 

The name sticks to her skin and clenches around her chest. Clarke has always hated the heavy weight the name carries and all the ghosts that follows her with it. It is not an honorable name, at least not to Clarke, even though it seems to be to many of the Grounders.

Although, Clarke smiles back, unable to get any words out through the thickness in her throat that the mention of the name stirred.

She smiles weakly as she watches Aden turn in his step and walk back down the corridor the same way that they came from.

Clarke stays still in the big halls of the tower. The building feels colder and it is much more quiet than before. No voices are anywhere near to be heard and the silence feels so unfamiliar.

Clarke is so used to hearing loud shouting or big arguments or at least having someone run after her every step to ask for advice, but here, everything is so calm. Clarke isn’t sure if she enjoys it but she does enjoy having an escape from who she usually is.

Everyone seem to always turn to her, always seem to think that she knows all the answers which have led to Clarke having to make all the tough decisions and then take the blame for them. She isn’t sure why she got the role among Skaikru that she did, maybe it is the native leader in her that just had to step up when things started to go down hill. Either way, now she will always be stuck with it and she has her scars and her memories to always remind her. 

A big breath escapes Clarke’s lips and eases the weighting ache that had set in her lungs. Her eyes turn away from Lexa’s doors and instead her hand reaches for her own. 

” _ Clarke_. ” 

Clarke immediately turns by the mention of her name. The voice too familiar to not be recognized. Her eyes scans the darkness of the hall and notices the solid movement further down.

She notices the red fabric sweeping over the floor and her whole body starts feeling a little lighter by the sight.

The heart in her chest trembles and a relieved puff of air sneaks through her lips. Clarke starts walking forward but her legs almost stumbles over the floor while her eyes are stuck on Lexa. 

Lexa is covered in full battle gear, the war paint on her face makes her eyes look darker as Clarke stares into them. An exhaustion washes over Lexa’s features. Her eyes looks heavy and her whole body too tired to hold herself up properly. Clarke has no idea what Lexa has been up to all day, but she can tell by the heaviness in her steps and the weight in her eyes that it’s been a rather tough day, and Clarke wishes that she can take some of the responsibility from her. 

“ Hey,, “ The words leaves Clarke’s mouth softly as she places herself in front of Lexa.

She let her eyes wander over her, and finds herself searching for any signs of fight marks or bruises on Lexa’s body.

Her body sinks and relaxes just slightly when she finds none. The only thing noticeable is the dirt on her clothes.

A heavy breath slips out of Clarke’s mouth before she closes her eyes. The reassurance that she is okay makes most of the tightness is Clarke’s chest disappear. She has spent all day wondering, all day _ worrying _about what Lexa has been up to and now, finally seeing her and feeling her presence close to her, makes all the pain fade away. 

“ So, are you gonna tell me where you’ve been? “ 

Clarke notices how Lexa’s jaw clenches. The words run through her without an answer, instead Lexa keeps her eyes deep buried into Clarke’s.

The silence makes Clarke hesitate if she should’ve asked, but all day she’s been walking around with millions of questions and now she needs at least some answers to them. 

Lexa has been so absent since Clarke’s arrival at Polis, and her mind has seemed so far away. Clarke just wishes that Lexa can let her in on some of it, to open up and let her know what she’s thinking or feeling. 

“ You will know the answers soon, Clarke. “

Just like that, the words leave her mouth. Softly and reassuring, and just like that Lexa has seemed to know exactly what is going on in Clarke’s mind.

The response is filled with no real answer but Clarke still takes it. It is as good as it gets for tonight and with the heaviness in Lexa’s eyes and the exhaustion that covers every inch of her body, Clarke doesn’t want to push more than necessary.

Her eyes blinks back in response before they start to search their surroundings. It is no one there and the tower is as silent as it had been just a minute ago.

Clarke licks her lips and swallows thickly before she looks back up at Lexa. 

“ Would you like to come in? “ 

The words seem to take her aback for a moment, yet a bashful smile soon sneaks up to Lexa’s lips but fades just as fast as it got there. 

“ Is that a question or an invitation? “ A light laugh sneaks up through the thickness in Clarke’s throat and leaves her with a wide smile covering her face and a warm feeling to embrace her chest and settle just between her ribs.

“ How about both? “

The bashful smile is now glued to Lexa’s lips as well, and the energy in her eyes increases and so does the heavy rhythm in her chest.

Lexa’s gaze travels around them and when she notices that no one is around, they land back on Clarke.

Eyes lighted by moonlight stares into her, and sends shivers all down Clarke’s core. Her chin tilts down in a small nod and the movement makes Clarke’s heart trudge on the inside of her rib cage.

With a smirk stuck on her face, Clarke opens the doors to her own room and Lexa silently follows. 

The room is dark, quiet. The only thing noticeable is the moonlight that shines in through the cracks in her stone wall and the wind that makes the furs on her bed slightly move.

The cold in the room makes the hair all over Clarke’s body rise in an attempt to help her stay warm. It leaves goosebumps all over her skin, and now there’s nothing she wants more than to crawl down under the furs in her bed together with Lexa.

She can still feel the warmth of Lexa’s body close to hers from the first time that they slept together, and she can still clearly remember how Lexa’s warm breath met the cold skin on her neck. Just the memory sends shivers down her spine and Clarke would do anything to be that close to her again. 

Clarke sighs as she closes the door. Her eyes are locked on Lexa, watching her as she unclasps the armor from her shoulder.

Clarke can clearly hear the grunt that escapes her lips as soon as the heavy armor is gone from her body, and she silently watches as Lexa stretches her neck and her shoulders slowly starts to sink and relax.

“ Here, I’ll take it. “ 

Clarke moves over to her. The armor Lexa had attached to her shoulder feels heavier than Clarke first could have imagined. She doesn’t even want to think about having to walk around with it during several hours each day. If Clarke’s body feels sore, she doesn’t even want to imagine how Lexa must feel.

Clarke places the armor on one of the chairs in her room, and Lexa sits down just next to her.

Her fingers start to fumble with the clasps on her coat and it doesn’t take long before it slides down over her shoulders and leaves her in a simpler black shirt.

Clarke catches herself staring a little too long on the new exposed skin on Lexa’s body, and can feel the hesitation set in when Lexa looks back.

A small smirk is stuck to Lexa’s face before Clarke quickly looks away. She can feel her hands start to sweat and a tremble to start low in her stomach by having Lexa’s eyes on her, but it doesn’t stop her from sitting down on the chair next to hers. 

Clarke’s eyes travel curiously over the features in Lexa’s face as Lexa brings a hand up to swipe gently at the paint on her cheeks and around her eyes.

The black paint gets stuck to her fingers by the touch and gets smudged out even more over her skin.

” Wait, let me. “

Clarke can feel Lexa’s eyes on her when she gets up from the chair and walks over to some drawers on the other side of the room. No words leaves Lexa’s mouth to stop her so Clarke brings out a small bowl that she fills with cold water from the tub and a towel that she finds from the basket Lexa had given her.

She sits gently down close to Lexa’s side again. The depth of her eyes stares into the soul of Clarke’s, making the heart in her chest slightly speed up in pace and her hands to fumble even more with the now wet towel. 

“ It’s cold. “ Clarke warns her before one hand sneaks up to hold lightly onto Lexa’s cheek and the other starts to wipe away the paint on the other side of her face.

Just as the wet fabric touches her skin, Lexa draws in a deep breath to her lungs. Clarke watches every change in her body and isn’t sure if it is her touch that Lexa reacts to, or the cold water stuck in the towel. Clarke likes to think that maybe it is a mix of both.

She can’t deny the sparks that sets in her chest or how her fingers slightly trembles by watching Lexa under the touch of her finger tips.

Clarke watches closely as Lexa closes her eyes and her chest starts to move in a heavy rhythm. Being this close to Lexa always seems to do something to her, it always seems to awaken things in her that Clarke didn’t even knew existed. It makes her feel feelings that she’s never felt and makes her think thoughts that she’s never been familiar to. 

Clarke sucks in a deep breath through her nose and moves to wipe the other side of Lexa’s face. The skin under the black paint appears more and more, and with each new stroke, Lexa’s face becomes clearer and softer. The bags under her eyes are now more visible and so is the small scars on her face. 

“ What have you done to your hand? “ The words are sudden and as Clarke looks up onto Lexa’s face she notices that her eyes are still closed.

“ What? “ 

Lexa’s lips bends in a genuine smile before she continues. “ Your hand. It is red. “ 

Clarke stops her task of cleaning Lexa’s face and instead glances down on her own hand. She notices the red paint that is still stuck onto it and a wide smiles spreads over her face by Lexa’s observation. She doesn’t even have her eyes open so she must have noticed it before. 

“ Oh uh. “ 

“ I walked past the wall of hope and a young girl put my hand on it. “ 

A weak laugh sneaks up through her lips as she remembers what happened earlier and the conversation that she had with Aden. 

“ Aden thinks that she wants to wish my Spirit hope. “ 

It still feels surreal to Clarke why anybody would want to wish that on her. She doesn’t even wish it on herself. 

This time Clarke turns her gaze to Lexa, she notices that her eyes are now open and looks softly back at her. The sight of the small smile stuck to Lexa’s lips removes the one on Clarke’s. Instead it feels like the weight of the world falls down onto her shoulders by the memories that comes back to her. 

“ Those young girls put their hands on the wall.“ 

“ Why? “ 

Lexa’s smile fades as she sighs heavily. Clarke can clearly see how the thoughts spin in her head and how Lexa tries to find the best words to answer with. 

“ Some young warriors live in fear. “ 

“ They put their hands on the wall even if not really necessary. “ 

Clarke nods slowly. 

“ So it has nothing to do with my people? “ 

“ I mean, does your recent meetings have anything to do with them? “ 

Lexa swallows thickly and Clarke can immediately notice how the words stick to her. They settle to her skin and burns down to her core, and Clarke watches how Lexa’s chin tilts down in a simple nod. 

“ Yes. “

____________

The whisper of the wind sneaks through the cracks of the stone wall and into Clarke’s bedroom. The room is quiet and only the lights from the flickering candles lights up the space around her bed.

Clarke’s chest feels heavy as she stares up on the ceiling above her, and her legs itch and are hard to keep still under the furs in her bed. A million thoughts has her mind occupied and keeps her from falling asleep.

Just as Clarke had feared, what Lexa has been dealing with all day is because of her people. The only problem is that Lexa isn’t telling her why.

Clarke’s breathing becomes heavy, and once again she does another attempt to close her eyes and fall asleep. Yet with the voices in her head and the racing of her heart, it almost becomes impossible to do so.

She hasn’t heard any news from her own people since before she left. Has anything new happened that she isn’t aware of? What about Octavia and Kane, and her mother. Are all of them still okay? 

Clarke sighs and tugs at the furs to pull them higher up over her body. The cold of the night starts to greet her skin and leaves her body shivering underneath the fabric.

Her eyes land on the window in her room. Watching as the darkness covers the sky, only to be lit up by the stars and the moon.

Clarke still finds the beauty of looking at the sky from this angle. She used to be so familiar with seeing it from the other end. So used to being up there together with the stars, and instead glance down and dream about a life on the ground. Was this the life that she dreamed of? Clarke isn’t sure. She never imagined all the chaos that would welcome her, but there’s still so much beauty that she also has encountered.

Although, as she glances out, all she can think about are her friends that are stuck on the other side of the forest. Stuck in a war while she sleeps comfortably in a warm bed.

The thoughts won’t stop spinning in Clarke’s head, and she feels even worse with each new one that her mind reminds her of. She should be back in Arkadia, she should have a plan by now to stop what is happening on her side of the river.

“ You should rest, Clarke. “ 

Clarke turns her gaze to the side, watching as Lexa lies still beside her. Her eyelids are softly closed and her chest moves in an even rhythm under the furs. 

“ I can hear your thoughts from here,, “ 

“ I told you, there is no need for you to worry. “ 

Clarke rolls over and turns to face Lexa more clearly. Her face is now inches away from hers as Clarke studies every feature in Lexa’s expression.

Her face looks calm, and Clarke can clearly feel her light breaths onto the skin on her face. 

“ There’s a lot going on, I think it’s perfectly normal for me to worry, Lexa. “

“ Shhh. “ Lexa hushes her. The sound spreads like a vibration between them and only makes the beating of Clarke’s heart pound faster.

She is well aware of the warmth that Lexa’s body radiates and Clarke has to fight the urge to not reach out to touch her. Instead, she tugs the hair away from her face and behind her ear before she licks the dryness off her lips. 

“ Do I need to leave Polis? “ 

“ No. “ 

“ _Lexa_. “ Clarke breathes out her name, and the sound immediately makes Lexa open her eyes.

The bags under them are still clearly visible and Clarke almost drowns in how blown her pupils are by the darkness in the room.

She watches as Lexa tugs at her lips while her eyes are deep buried into Clarke’s. She stays silent for awhile before the words leave her mouth in an hesitant whisper. “ Can we sleep? “ 

Clarke’s eyes travel between Lexa’s. The softness in them somehow always manage to calm the speeding of Clarke’s heart and makes her feel like everything is going to be okay.

Clarke has never felt anything like it with anyone else, and the new feelings that arise inside her makes her pull in a deep breath to her lungs. But she _ needs _ to know, she needs answers. 

“ Will you tell me what’s going on? “

Lexa closes her eyes at that and adjusts comfortably in her position before the words leave her mouth in a sigh. 

“ _Soon_. “ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ translations ~ 
> 
> bants osir = leave us  
sha, Malachi? = yes, Malachi?  
fiya, Heda. = sorry, commander.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you like this story it would mean so much to read your comments and know what you think and it would also mean so much if you could spread it so others can find it too :) 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

Lexa has left for yet another council meeting the next morning, and Clarke really only finds out when she wakes only to find the bed that was warmed up by Lexa’s body the night before, now left cold and with full of extra space beside her.

Clarke falls back onto the furs and pillows with a heavy sigh. Lexa must have sneaked out early in the morning and she hadn’t even noticed.

With a hand running over her face to remove some of the hair that had managed to fall down, Clarke glances up at the ceiling.

She just wishes that there’s something that she can do, something for her to control. But instead, Clarke feels stuck in a tower on the other side of the forest from her usual home.

She tries not to think about how cold and empty the bed feels without Lexa’s presence, _ but it is cold _, and suddenly feels so much bigger.

Clarke’s eyes travel to her side and studies where Lexa has been sleeping so peacefully next to her just hours before. The weight of Lexa’s body is still noticeable on the furs in her bed, and Clarke’s heart starts beating a little faster just by the sight. She closes her eyes but opens them as soon as she hears a small knock on her door.

Clarke is fast in her movements to get her body to a sitting position when the noise reaches her ears. The words manage to come out through the raspiness in her awaken throat after she clears it. ‘’ Yes? ‘’ 

Clarke pulls at the furs to cover her naked legs, and when the door opens she’s thankful that she’s at least wearing a nightgown to cover the top part of her body.

The door carefully opens with a light squeaking and Tamari’s face is soon noticeable in the small gap. Her hair is slightly pulled back in a loose bun on the back of her neck yet a few strands of hair has fallen over her face.

She stops in the entrance of the room with a large brick full of food and fruit in her hands. ‘’ I apologize for interrupting. ‘’ 

Clarke shakes her head lightly and scoots to sit closer to the edge of the bed with the furs still covering her legs. ‘’ No, come on in. ‘’

With the immediate reassurance, Clarke watches as Tamari walks into the room and closer to the bed. She places the brick of food carefully beside Clarke and just the sight reminds Clarke of the food her body is craving.

Her stomach suddenly growls in a desperate hunger. She hasn’t even thought about how much time has passed since she last ate. 

‘’ The Commander ordered for me to deliver you food. ‘’ 

Clarke looks up at that. She meets Tamari’s tired eyes and feels the warmth spread in her chest by the mention of Lexa.

Just the caring thought that Lexa made sure to send someone to give her food, sets a feeling in between Clarke’s bones that she can not even describe. It is such a caring gesture.

Clarke can not even stop the smile that spreads wide over her cheeks as her eyes travel over the food.

Berries and fruit in different colors, coming fresh from the forest and now looks almost too tempting on the brick in front of her.

Clarke has never been served breakfast in bed before, but it is definitely a concept she can get used to.

It is such a weird feeling how Clarke feels so much more at ease within Polis than she does in her usual home back at Arkadia. She has been welcomed so well by the people in the Capital, _ it probably has a lot to do with Lexa’s orders but still _, no one back in Arkadia treat Clarke in the same way that the Grounders do, and it honestly is such a change of relief.

Maybe getting away from camp, was exactly what she needed at the moment, and there’s no better place to be than Polis if all you need is a break. Clarke sneaks a glance back up at Tamari, ‘’ Thank you. ‘’

Tamari looks back, a soft smile is stuck to her lips as they start to cover most of her sweat-streaked cheeks, and just as she is about to turn around and leave, Clarke stops her. ‘’ Hey,, ‘’ 

Tamari turns back. Her eyebrows slightly furrows and makes the wrinkles on her forehead just barely noticeable.

The words stumble suddenly on the tip of Clarke’s tongue and makes them difficult to get out by the realization that hits her.

She wants to ask about Lexa, the eager want of knowing where she is and when she’ll be back makes the skin on her body heat up but the question almost impossible to ask.

Clarke is taken aback by the realization that she doesn’t want to seem too invested in Lexa and in the relationship they’re clearly having, she knows that they can’t show too much affection in public and after the story Clarke heard about Costia, she’s now even more uncertain about how much she _ can _ ask without coming off as too close.

Clarke swallows down the words that try to sneak up through her throat, and her eyes blink away the recent thoughts that set in her mind.

A puff of air sneaks through as Clarke turn her gaze back to her lap. Eyes too flustered to meet the ones she can feel staring back at her, eyes she can feel still waiting for her to say something.

Her palms becomes sweaty and her fingers keep themselves occupied as she plays with the fur in her lap.

It’s just when Clarke can hear Tamari sigh in front of her and walk even closer that she starts to shift uncomfortably in her position on the bed. She waits until she can feel Tamari go quiet before her eyes sneak up to look at her again.

Tamari’s eyes are warm, _ welcoming_. Her whole body radiates some kind of motherly energy in the space around her, and Clarke can’t help to not feeling a little calmer just by the sight.

She has never seen Tamari before, except for that one time by the food stands and even then Clarke wasn’t even sure if she spoke English.

But now, she gives off the feeling as if they have known each other forever and that no words are out of reach to talk about. It is calming, and soothing, and exactly all Clarke needs. 

‘’ I had someone special who was captured by the mountain. ‘’ Tamari slowly let’s the words out of her mouth. Hesitantly and low comes one word out after the other and they immediately capture Clarke’s attention.

Her eyes feel glued to Tamari’s face, watching each change of expression but Tamari has her eyes stuck to the floor and her mind looks millions of miles away. 

‘’ My daughter was not a lot older than four when her father went into the woods and never returned. ‘’

Clarke swallows thickly at that. The words feel like a punch to the throat and leaves her chest feeling breathless. The air around her suddenly feels thicker and her eyes are now too heavy to hold up.

Instead, they fall down from Tamari’s face and back down on her own lap. Talking about Mount Weather always leaves a feeling of emptiness inside her. A stinging pain that sets just between her ribs and makes her heart feel like it’s out of order and not working properly.

Clarke is well aware of where the conversation is going and it’s down a road she would be more than happy to flee from. But instead she breathes in deeply through her nose and heavily out of her mouth. 

‘’ People like me, and children like my daughter, all of who has lost a special one to the mountain, hold a high amount of respect for you, _ Klark Kom Skaikru _ ‘’. 

‘’ For your courage, and for the strength that lies in the choices you have made. “

Clarke is aware of how the Grounders seem to think that what she did at the mountain was some kind of heroic event, when it reality it was only an ugly mass murder.

Clarke is the murderer, not the hero, and she starts to hate the way that they are all building her up as some kind of god that should be worshipped.

Real people suffered horrific injuries and tortures. Real people were hung up and used for their blood or turned to monsters. Real people, just like Tamari’s husband, died in this tragedy probably long before Clarke even stepped on the ground.

More have died before that and more died after. Clarke didn’t save any of them, the only thing Clarke did was to take more innocent lives to save her own. 

Clarke shakes her head and lowers her voice. The words coming out just barely above a whisper through the raspiness in her throat. 

“ Well, I didn’t save him. “

Clarke can feel Tamari getting even closer. A heavy sigh leaves her mouth before a weak and sorrowful smile takes over her lips. 

‘’ No. “ she agrees. “ But you did stop others from facing the same fate. ‘’ 

‘’ You are a sensational leader Clarke, such as a remarkable warrior and I am certain that the Commander believes the same. ‘’

Clarke lets the words stick to her, yet they are so hard to believe. With every new day going by, Clarke’s more certain that the Grounders see her in a way that she will never be able to see herself.

She wishes more than anything that she _ could _be able to see the great leader and warrior within herself that the Grounders are referring her to, but with all the blood on her hands and the scars on her back, that picture of herself only fades.

Maybe once, she did have the potential of being that person, but somewhere along the road it got lost. Clarke’s not even sure herself of who she is, or who she is supposed to be. Yet, it is something she can’t let anyone else be known of.

She forces a smile onto her lips. A smile painful enough to hurt the corners of her lips and her chest to only feel heavier.

Clarke tugs the hair behind her ear to keep it from falling down over her face while her eyes are stuck to Tamari. The features in her face are comforting, quiet and with that Clarke knows that Tamari isn’t expecting a rather vocal response, and for that, Clarke is thankful.

Because no matter how hard she could try, no words would be enough to explain to Tamari how she doesn’t see herself that way,, or enough to just thank her for the kind words. 

  
‘’ When is she coming back? ‘’

The words are sudden and stops Tamari just as she is about to turn around and exit the room.

Clarke can feel her whole body heat up when Tamari’s eyes land back on her. Maybe she shouldn’t have asked. But the question and urge of knowing about Lexa is way too strong to hold back.

Her eyes becomes almost painful to keep locked on the Grounder in front of her, and her heart starts pounding faster on the inside of her chest. 

‘’ Uhm, the Commander. ‘’ Clarke clears her throat, she isn’t even sure if the comment needed a clarification.

With her palms sweaty, Clarke holds onto the furs in her lap. Her searching eyes dig into Tamari’s face, desperate for an answer. 

“Anytime now. ‘’

  
  
_____________

  
  


Spending her days alone in Polis have almost become Clarke’s newest thing to do. With Lexa’s secret meetings with the ambassadors from the other clans there isn’t much more for Clarke to do than to just wait for her to come back. Wait for her to possibly come back with new information, but it always somehow manage to end the same way. Always manage to end with Lexa coming back in an hesitative silence, and Clarke not knowing any more than when she left.

But even without Lexa’s presence, Polis still manage to pulse with energy and the day still somehow manage to continue. The streets of Polis are full of life, full of people and children running around. Full of small warriors who runs around with wooden-made swords in their hands and braids in their hair.

Clarke can’t help but smile when she watches the small children. Children so full of hope and dreams. It is a rather heart-wrenching thought to think about if the war and the deaths, _ even life in general _ are going to do to these children what they have done to Clarke and everyone else she knows.

Is life going to suck out the dreams and hopes from these children too? Clarke doesn’t even want to think about it, the thought is almost too overwhelming to carry. Everything would have been a lot easier if they could all just live in peace. If they could all just live freely.

A heavy lump sets just between Clarke’s lungs, making it almost impossible to breathe by the thought that comes to her. Clarke would do anything to be able to live like these children for the rest of her life. To live so carelessly, without any obligations or fears. 

Clarke sighs and let her legs keep guiding her through the busy streets of Polis.

She can’t help but notice how the crowd visibly spreads as soon as Clarke walks through and she can clearly feel all the burning eyes on her.

Although, the more haunting eyes that becomes aware of her presence, the more whispers are soon also clearly heard among them. ‘’ _ Wanheda. ‘’, ‘’ na houm, ripa. ‘’ _

Clarke manages to catch up on some of the words, and from what she can hear it is rather aggressive.

The words sets between her ribs and leaves a growing and very painful lump to form in the back of her throat. Yet, Clarke does her best raise her chin and keep walking.

No matter how many eyes stare onto her and no matter how aware Clarke is by how it all affects her and almost leaves her legs unable to move forward, a determination in her still manage to.

Clarke moves her gaze around her, the Capital now seem way more quiet when all attention suddenly has turned to her. The children have stopped and now stand close to the taller warriors to keep their watch on her. 

Clarke stops. There is no point to keep walking with all the attention that is now stuck to her. Instead, Clarke can feel her heart speeding up in pace while her gaze glances around the crowd of people.

With her palms sweaty, Clarke grabs by the hem of her sweater. Her breathing has now become way heavier and it is probably already noticeable, so there is no point in trying to hide it now.

Instead, Clarke stands still, _ quiet. _ Almost waiting for something to happen, almost preparing herself to flee or fight. Clarke isn’t sure what she would rather do. There is nowhere for her to run, even if she could run, and there is no way that she could win a fight over any of these people.

Clarke reaches for her hip. Her gun is left back in her room, but even if she did have it, she would feel uncomfortable to actually use it. 

Clarke licks the dryness off her lips when one of the tall warriors actually steps forward. He is dressed in heavy armors and his face is covered in black paint. He is determined in his steps as he walks towards Clarke and his eyes are almost too intimidating to look into. 

‘’ _ Wanheda. _You are not welcomed here. ‘’ 

The words take her aback for a moment. With her mouth half agape to let her breathe easier, Clarke keeps her eyes glued to the tall warrior.

Her legs back her away for a moment, but the man only continues to walk forward. Where is Aden or really just Tamari when she actually needs them?

Clarke closes her eyes and sucks in a breath and holds it before she raises her hands. 

“ I’m not here to fight. “

Clarke does her best to keep her tone strong. The sudden change of attitude towards her is almost shocking. Just yesterday she was able to walk around freely in the Capital, and even interact with the small warriors. But thinking about it, the reminder suddenly hits her. The Grounders had been watching more closely even yesterday, maybe that wasn’t all in her head after all. 

“ We need no more problem, _ nikom disha kru. “ _

Clarke glances to the warrior’s hip, noticing the knife that he pulls out and that is soon by her throat. The fast movement is both surprising and overwhelming. It leaves her no time to react nor think before the sharp blade is soon close to her pulsing skin and the warmth of the warrior embraces her.

His arms are tight around Clarke’s body while he holds her still. Millions of things starts spinning in her head. Her body feels frozen suddenly and Clarke doesn’t dare to move even if she could move by the strength of the warrior’s arms around her.

The crowd around them goes quiet. A few cheers had been heard at first but by the voice that breaks next, Clarke knows why it all suddenly stopped. 

“_Em pleni! “ _

The Grounder immediately loosens the grip around Clarke, and it instantly gives her more space to breathe. Her eyes closes in an instant relief by the comforting and strong voice that spreads among them.

“ _No mo._”

Clarke’s gaze immediately turns to her side as soon as the warrior steps away from her. Her eager eyes scan the people and soon enough Clarke watches as Lexa walks towards her.

She is fast and determined in her steps, and her face looks stone cold even without war paint to cover her features.

Lexa’s spine is rigid and strong as she moves quickly past the sea of people who visibly spreads when they notice the Commander walking through.

She is not making eye contact with any of them, and Clarke can only watch as she is eagerly making her way towards Clarke and it is just when Lexa is close enough that Clarke can see the hidden worry deep buried in her eyes.

Her hands are soon grabbing both sides of Clarke’s upper arms and just the warm touch sends shivers down Clarke’s spine.

There is no secret in the way Lexa’s eyes scan over her body. All the way from her face down to the tip of her toes.

Clarke can’t help but to feel comforted by Lexa’s worrying check, and for the way she clearly scans Clarke’s body for any signs of injuries that her warrior may have left on Clarke’s body. 

“ Are you hurt? “ Lexa’s voice is just low enough for Clarke to hear, but the worry doesn’t go unnoticed by the people around them.

Clarke looks away from the warriors and back up at Lexa before she shakes her head lightly. “ I’m fine. “ 

Lexa’s eyes travel between Clarke’s. Her pupils are blown wide in her irises and it only makes her eyes look darker. Clarke isn’t sure if the answer Lexa has been given is good enough or if she even believes it in the slightest but it is all Clarke has to offer.

She doesn’t dare tell Lexa how time without her feels like literal hell or how she spends every minute away from her just longing for her to return. How she feels at so unease without Lexa’s presence and so safe when she is right next to her.

Lexa raises her chin and her hands slowly slide from Clarke’s arms. The immediate lack of her touch only makes Clarke eager for more. Just eager for Lexa to touch her again, even just by the simplest of touches.

But Lexa backs away instead, and her eyes travel over the warriors around them. No words needed to be told for the Grounders to lower their heads and go back to their usual chores. They all already know before Lexa even needs to say anything. 

Lexa calls back to the grounder behind her. The grounder who had just come with her from the meeting with the ambassadors.

Her voice is strong and demanding and Clarke finds the warrior soon tilt his chin down in a nod and then return to the horses by the gate.

This time, Lexa hasn’t returned from the meeting in full battle gear. This time she is more dressed down. Her face is clean and silky smooth from war paint, and her body is covered in a much more simpler armor, yet her statue is as graceful as ever.

Clarke’s eyes travel over her, drinking in the familiar want and the soothing comfort that Lexa’s body radiates. When Lexa’s gaze turn back to her, all Clarke can do is to drown in her eyes. 

“ Come with me. “ 

Clarke gladly does as Lexa wishes, and follows her back to the entrance of the tower that hovers above them. With her calm eyes traveling over the Commander’s solid and graceful body, Clarke wonders how Lexa does it. How she always manage to show up exactly when Clarke needs it the most.

To be honest, what went down before Lexa showed up actually terrified her for a second. It took her off guard and Clarke doesn’t think that she’s ever felt so powerless.

All she could do was to stay still and quiet and pray for the best. Pray that her death wouldn’t be at the hands of an angry and vengeful Grounder. But maybe that is exactly the kind of death that Clarke deserves.

Clarke sighs, her throat tightens by the thoughts that set in her mind as she follows Lexa into the building.

It is colder inside the tower, but with the lack of sunlight and with the cold wind running through the open cracks in the stone walls, it is understandable.

It always amazes Clarke how large the building actually is. Wide open spaces and each room has high to the ceiling. Yet, with all the rooms that Clarke has seen of the tower, Lexa’s has to be the most beautiful.

Clarke isn’t even sure why. Maybe it’s the big open space by the couch and the way the sunlight glows in through the windows just behind. Or maybe it’s the way the candles scattered around her room, and the way they hang down from the roof, spreads a comforting and calming feeling to it when the fire is lit.

Clarke’s eyes travel around the room after Lexa guide her inside. Eyes scanning for things that could be the reason, but maybe it is none of those things. Maybe it is not a rather materialistic thing that makes Lexa’s room the most beautiful out of all the ones in the tower. Maybe, it is just to whom the room belongs to that makes it so special.

A smile sneaks up to settle in the corner of Clarke’s lips while a warm feeling embraces her chest. Maybe this is what home feels like. 

Clarke turns in her step as soon as she can hear the heavy doors close behind her.

She watches quietly how Lexa walks over to her. Determined legs guide her forward while her eyes are locked deep with Clarke’s.

Lexa is sure yet careful in her movements, and it doesn’t take long before Clarke can feel the warmth of her body close to hers.

A silent question is noticeable in the depth of Lexa’s eyes as she stares into Clarke’s, and with a slight tilt of her own chin, Clarke can feel Lexa’s careful finger soon trace the skin on her neck where the warrior had just held the sharp end of his knife.

Lexa studies the pulsing skin on Clarke’s throat. Careful and silent, and Clarke can feel how her chest tightens just by Lexa’s touch alone. 

She notices Lexa pull in a sharp intake of breath and holds it before her eyes glance back up at Clarke’s. Captivating and drowning.

“ Tristan will face consequences for his actions.”

Clarke can tell by the way Lexa’s chin raises and how her jaw clenches, that she is serious in her statement about Tristan.

It is not shocking but everything went down so fast that Clarke is still unsure as to why it happened in the first place. How she woke up feeling so at ease, only to have a blade pulled to her throat a moment later.

Clarke closes her eyes as she can feel Lexa step away from her. The touch from her finger fading from Clarke’s neck when her legs guide her backwards. Clarke opens her eyes again, only too look back up at Lexa. 

“ Why did he do it? “ 

Lexa sighs, and Clarke watches patiently when Lexa moves over the floor, quietly and slow.

“ Skaikru have been attacking two villages close to the mountain river. “ 

Clarke meets Lexa’s eyes as soon as Lexa turns to face her again. The words fall down with a weighing ache on Clarke’s shoulders and the information is almost too painful to want to believe. _ Why did they do it? _

The hardest part of the new knowledge is that Clarke knows that they are not going to stop. Not until the Grounders are completely wiped out. Pike is going to continue with one village after the other and Clarke has to do something, now. 

“ 38 dead and counting. “ 

Lexa continues and Clarke freezes. 38 deaths and probably more wounded.

Lexa must have noticed the silence spread wide over Clarke as she soon starts to walk over to her again.

Lexa stops in an arm-length in front of her and Clarke can feel Lexa’s eyes study every change in her body. Quiet eyes dances over Clarke’s body, comforting and supporting before she continues again. 

“ Pike believes that you are held at hostage here in Polis. “ Clarke glances up at that. 

“ He will not negotiate until you return. “ 

The words somehow baffles her before a feeling of guilt sneaks through Clarke’s bones.

Is it her fault that her people have been attacking those innocent people? Would any of it have happened if Clarke didn’t cross the border and gone to Polis? Because after all, Clarke was the first one to actually go to the lands they had been banished to possess.

Clarke runs a hand through her short blonde hair while the thoughts spin in her head and the guilt digs even deeper into her bones. 

“ So I have to go back. “

“ No. ” 

“ Lexa! “ 

Lexa is fast close to Clarke again. Her hands grab by Clarke’s arms to hold her still while her eyes travel stressfully between Clarke’s. 

“ Listen to me. You need to stay, here. “ 

“ Why? “ 

Lexa closes her eyes and Clarke watches how her jaw clenches to the point that it looks almost painful before Lexa bites down the words.

She opens her eyes a moment later as a breath of fresh air runs down to her lungs. This time her eyes look calmer, softer and her jaw not nearly as tense. 

“ I am not sure if Arkadia is the safest place for you right now, Clarke. “ 

Clarke can only feel the frustration build inside of her, trudging inside her veins. Lexa must have felt it too as her hands start to hold more firmly onto Clarke’s arms.

Clarke has to do something, _ anything_. She can not let any more innocent people die when there is something that she can do. Octavia, _ and Kane_, will expect them to do something. They will expect _ Clarke _to do something. 

“ No, there must be something that I can do. “

The words comes out as not higher than a mumble when Clarke thinks the thoughts out loud. 

“ I’m leaving. “ 

Clarke’s eyes start to travel over Lexa’s features, studying how Lexa lightly shakes her head before she lowers her chin and the next words come out just barely above a whisper. 

“ They will have you killed. “ 

Clarke can notice in the depth of Lexa’s eyes how the possibility of Clarke’s return scares her. She doesn’t want to leave Polis, but every part in her brain is screaming for her that she has to. She has to save her people, and stop them from hurting more innocent lives.

Clarke sucks in a deep breath and runs her hands up the length of Lexa’s biceps. 

“ Stay. “

“ _Lexa_. “ 

“ You will be safe here. “ Lexa murmurs, and Clarke stares into Lexa’s eyes at that.

Her brows slightly furrows on top of her forehead, making the wrinkle in between just noticeable. 

“ I was just threatened by one of your warriors outside of this building. “ 

Lexa stays silent. Clarke may be safe whenever Lexa is around, but even Lexa knows that it isn’t certain that Clarke is when she isn’t. Can she really trust all of her warriors to not lay their hands on Clarke in her absent? 

“ I will order my most promising warrior to guard your door at night. “ 

Clarke shakes her head lightly while a bashful smile tries to sneak up to her lips by the thoughtful concern.

Only the truth is, Clarke wouldn’t feel safer no matter how many warriors that guard her door. She wants Lexa. She wants her close to her. She wants more nights like the night before. She wants to be able to feel Lexa’s breath onto the skin on her face, or feel her heart beat close to her own. 

“ That’s not what I want. “

Clarke’s voice is low, and comes out just in a small breath before she hesitantly watches for the realization to hit the taller warrior in front of her.

Lexa’s brow raises and her lips soon twitch in a hidden smile, just barely noticeable by the sight of an eye. Her eyes suddenly fills with energy, craving and _wanting_. 

“ _Clarke_. “ 

“ Does my presence comfort you? “ 

Clarke swallows thickly as she stares into the depth of Lexa’s wanting eyes.

Her heart trudges on the inside of her ribcage and her blood boils inside her veins. Because the truth is, that there is nothing that brings her more comfort than the presence of Lexa. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ translations ~  
Klark Kom Skaikru - Clarke from the sky people.  
Wanheda - Commander of death.  
Na houm, ripa - Go home, murderer.  
Nikom disha kru - With these people.  
Em pleni - Enough.  
No mo - Not more/ it’s enough.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here is a little calm before the .. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, I really enjoyed writing it as we are now finally starting to get a little deeper into the story! Please let me know what you think and if you want please spread it for others to read:) 
> 
> also a little spoiler, I’m not sure if anyone is going to even think about it but some of you might catch up on it which is why I want to explain. There is a scene in which Lexa was supposed to speak Trigedaslang because the one she is talking to doesn’t know much English, however the conversation is quite long and I didn’t manage to translate all of it and when I tried to it didn’t feel as powerful and I wasn’t sure if everything was correct so I just decided to write it in English instead. I hope this doesn’t bother you too much and if it does just imagine that she’s speaking Trigedasleng or something haha! 
> 
> Other than that, I hope you enjoy! :)

  
With every new breath she takes, Clarke can only feel her chest become heavier. The cold air that find its way down to her lungs set a shivering and freezing rhythm to her heart.

It doesn’t matter how hard she tries to close her eyes or how hard she tries to stop her body from moving, the restlessness she feels only grows bigger the harder she tries to ignore it.

She doesn’t know how long she’s been awake, or even if she fell asleep at all, but the darkness outside her window has not become any lighter.

The tower is quiet, _ still, _ but she can hear the wind grab by the trees outside of the building and she can hear the noises from the nocturnal animals of the forest. They are the only ones up. They, and _ Clarke_. They share the calm of the night together, but Clarke does not feel calm at all.

Her head won’t stop spinning no matter how hard she tries and every new thought that comes to her mind only keeps her body from falling asleep even more.

Her restless eyes stares at the ceiling, while her mind is searching for answers. Answers to how she is going to stop the war. Answers to if she did right by staying in Polis and not return to Arkadia as soon as she heard the news. People are suffering, _ dying_, and Clarke is not doing anything to stop it.

She glances to the side with movements so delicate to not make any unnecessary noises.

Her eyes travel over Lexa’s features and Clarke’s heart slows down just by the sight. _She is so beautiful. _

Lexa’s eyes are softly closed as she lies on her side. Her plump lips are barely parted to let air smoothly down to her lungs as it sets a heavy rhythm to her raising chest. Clarke wonders if she will ever get used to seeing Lexa like this. Watching her sleep so peacefully next to her.

She knows that it is a privilege reserved only for her and Clarke takes appreciation of every second of it. Knowing that Lexa trusts her enough to be so calm and show herself so vulnerable for Clarke, only makes Clarke drawn to her even more. She knows that it is not something to take for granted. It is something to appreciate, something to love, something to cherish, and something to show care for.

Yet, her mind can’t stop thinking if Lexa was right. Is it really the best for Clarke to stay in Polis? Is it really the best solution for everyone? The decision feels selfish, _Clarke_ feels selfish. She tries to calm herself with Lexa’s words, that it isn’t safe for her to return. Though, is it safe for everyone else if she stays?

A heavy breath leaves her mouth in a sigh before her eyes are locked back up at the ceiling. Clarke’s chest feels heavy, just as if someone is pressing down on it or is filling it with rocks.

Even the air in the room around her feels thicker and almost makes it hard to breathe.

Clarke throws the furs from her legs when her body only starts feeling warmer, and it doesn’t take long before she finds herself in a sitting position with her bare legs hanging down from the edge of the bed.

Clarke pants. _Heavily_. She is well aware of the racing of her heart that the thoughts in her mind stirred.

Her head falls down into her hands before she closes her eyes and counts, _1..2..3, _and then she starts again.

Clarke has found herself doing that a few times. Count to keep her mind off things and in an attempt to calm down. She first found herself doing it back at the dropship a few weeks after they landed. It was days after Wells’ death and it was in a night caught in a storm. Finn had just been stabbed in his side and it was just a very chaotic night in general.

Clarke slide her hands over her face and up to slick back her blonde hair to keep it from sticking to her sweat-covered forehead.

Her feet soon meet the coldness of the floor and Clarke is fast in her movements to get to the window and open it.

It may be almost winter and freezing outside, but the air in the room is too thick to breathe and Clarke needs something to ease it. Something to ease the heaviness in her lungs and something to remove the haunting thoughts in her mind.

Clarke observes the darkness outside from where she is standing just by the window. Everything is so still. It is hard to imagine how the same place can be so full of life, _or more correctly spoken_, so full of deaths and war. So full of horror and pain during the day, when it looks so calm and peaceful at night.

Maybe it is true that the worst ghosts are actually the ones that are out during the day. Maybe those are the ghosts to be afraid of, maybe those are the real ghosts and not the ones lurking in the darkness at night. Not the ones Clarke heard stories about when she was young. Maybe the monsters that she was afraid of as a child, actually turned out to be the people among her.

Clarke sighs. She leaves the window slightly open before she walks back to the bed.

Lexa is still sleeping and hasn’t moved an inch. Her brown curls are spread wide over the pillows, and by the silence of the night, Clarke can only listen to Lexa’s breaths and how her chest raises in the pace of it.

It makes the furs covering her body just slightly move and Clarke can’t help but to drink in the sight of it before she pulls back the furs on her own side and crawls back in.

She does her best to get her body to the same position as before without waking Lexa. But the challenge is hard, and with every movement she makes she’s afraid that Lexa will notice.

Everything always seems so much more noticeable at night. Every noise much higher and every movement a little heavier. But Clarke manage to sink down into the furs again, quietly and carefully.

Her eyes glance to Lexa’s side. _ Still sleeping_. A heavy breath escapes her lungs before Clarke closes her eyelids. It is time for another attempt to fall asleep, and hopefully this time she will.

Clarke rolls over to her side to face Lexa before she tugs the furs higher over her waist. She can feel the warmth of Lexa’s body close to her own and she’s just close enough to feel Lexa’s light breaths coming out of her mouth and meet the warm skin on Clarke’s face.

Such a simple thing is calming, soothing, but it doesn’t take long before Clarke can feel the touch of Lexa’s hand fall down between their bodies and land on Clarke’s wrist.

Clarke breathes in sharply but keeps her eyes closed and sinks down in the moment of feeling Lexa’s hand trace over her skin and travel up to her own hand. Her fingers sweep slowly but firmly over Clarke’s and her hand soon clasp together with Clarke’s own.

It is comforting and calming in the way Lexa holds her hand. It is breathtaking and overpowering in the way she starts to sweep her thumb over Clarke’s in a gentle and consoling touch. And Clarke knows, that this is Lexa’s way of comforting her even in her sleep. This is her body’s response of feeling Clarke shift and turn beside and then doing something to ease it. Clarke is in awe and loving how it actually works. How Lexa’s touch manage to immediately stop the racing of her mind and get her heart to speed for a completely different reason. It is exactly all Clarke needs to be able to relax enough and drift off to sleep.

The touch of Lexa lulls her to sleep better than anything else would be able to. It is strong and empowering, and Clarke is amazed by the effect Lexa’s touch has on her body. 

  
___________

  
Clarke wakes hours later, still the sun has yet to rise. Her body shivers from the cold the open window lets in and it only makes Clarke pull the furs even higher over her body.

She has no idea what time it is but it must be early by the way the darkness still lingers in every corner of the room from the lack of sunlight.

Clarke yawns and is surprised to find Lexa still sleeping beside her. She is surprised to not find the space empty beside her like the morning before and it warms her heart to actually watch Lexa still sleeping. Sleeping still in the same position as when Clarke woke the first time.

A smile start to linger in the corner of her lips while Clarke’s eyes wander over Lexa’s calm face. She glances down to the spot between them, their hands still touching, not clasped together like before but Clarke is happy to feel Lexa’s hand in the palm of her own.

Her skin is cold and soft as Clarke trace her fingers over Lexa’s, gentle and slow. She doesn’t want to wake her when she’s finally sleeping, when she’s finally still with her.

With everything that’s going on, Lexa deserves every chance of sleep she can get but honestly, Clarke doesn't mind watching her like this either.

It is rather calming to watch the Commander of the 12 clans sleep so peacefully in her bed. To watch the Commander that is usually covered in warpaint and blood, who is usually carrying the weight of battle on her shoulders, now being so at ease and relaxed. So free from all of that. Here, in Clarke’s bed, Lexa doesn’t need to keep her spine rigid and strong. She doesn’t need to hide from being shown as nothing else but human.

A breath of air releases from Clarke’s chest when her eyes drink in the sight of Lexa. Of every detail in her face and on her body that Clarke hasn’t paid too much attention to before. Like the small patterns of the tattoo on her right bicep, or the small dot on her upper lip.

Every inch of her body and detail in her skin, attracts beauty to Clarke’s artistic eyes. Yet, the more Clarke let her eyes wander, she soon becomes aware of the wet trail down Lexa’s cheek. Her eyes get stuck to it for a moment. She hasn’t heard Lexa whimper in her sleep or even shift beside her like she has before.

Clarke’s chest tightens by the sight and of the thought of Lexa crying in her sleep. That everything has become so hard and so exhausting that Lexa’s body can’t even keep from crying even in a sleeping state.

Clarke sighs before she hesitantly sweeps her thumb over the wet trail. It absorbs the dampness and leaves the skin on Clarke’s thumb feeling wet too.

She wishes that there is something that she can do. Something to stop the time so she can just stay like this with Lexa forever. Just so they can stay together in the bubble of peace and calm. She wants to be able to protect her from the pain and deaths of the war but Clarke knows that there’s not much more than support she can offer, and Clarke is ready to offer it in every way she can.

Clarke pulls the furs from her body and instead reaches for the warmer fur-robe. She throws it around her shoulders and over the nightgown she is wearing before she gets out of bed and meets the cold in the room.

Maybe she shouldn’t have let the window stay open during the night, the fog outside has now started to find its way in and it slightly raises the hair that has started to grow back on Clarke’s legs and leaves goosebumps to cover her naked skin.

The cold from outside makes the window almost hard to close as it is now frozen stuck. It is clear that winter is getting closer, and if Clarke couldn’t tell by the way the hair raises all over her body, at least now she can by the way the window feels completely frozen.

With a hard pull the window shuts close way too loud. The noise travels over the room and Clarke can clearly hear Lexa shift in the bed.

She tugs at her lips and closes her eyes as soon as a grunt leaves Lexa’s lips. _ Don’t wake up, don’t wake up, _is all Clarke can think about. Although, when the room soon goes back to complete silence, Clarke is able to let go of the breath she’s holding.

Her eyes travel back to study the beauty from the outside. A thick fog is covering the land like a big duvet, not even the sunlight manage to sneak through the heavy gray clouds in the sky. But maybe it is because the sun hasn’t really risen yet.

Clarke appreciates the Capital this way. Calm and quiet. Everyone still sleeping except for the few Grounders she can spot walking around near the food stands. By the way Clarke can notice them place fresh meat onto the tables and lit the fire, she assumes that they’re probably already back from their morning hunt and is beginning to get the breakfast ready for the rest of the sleeping Capital.

It is fascinating in the way it all seems to work so smoothly for them, in the little society that they’re having. How it all just seems so easy and so right. Does all the villages of every clan have it this way, or is it specifically the Capital that manage to be so privileged? At least Clarke knows for a fact that Arkadia is nothing compared to Polis. 

_____________

It takes just a few more hours until the sun finally rises over the mountains, but to be honest Clarke lost track of time long after she found the paper block and pencils in one of her drawers.

Spending some time alone in the darkness, only listening to the sound of Lexa’s breaths and light snores, or really just hearing more Grounders start their day outside of the building is rather peaceful and calming. It brings an inspiration that Clarke hasn’t felt in a long time.

Just sitting still in the darkness on the chair that she placed beside the bed, watching as the sunlight starts to stream over the mountains and glow into the cracks of the tower is the perfect way to start the day.

The lack of sleep that Clarke has been getting doesn’t really matter at the moment either, because it’s been long since she felt inspirational enough to actually draw something. To actually just sit down and breathe and let her creative side get the best of her.

Now she’s more than happy to just welcome the feeling and let it all embrace her. To just let it all out on the paper in her lap. Free and willingly.

The drawing pretty much just draws itself by the way Clarke’s thoughts and feelings works in pace with her hand. Drawing each line after the other, capturing the perfect moment of what she’s seeing and feeling.

Lexa shifts in the bed a moment later and it pulls at Clarke’s attention in an instant. She’s watching silently while Lexa nudges at the pillows and brings the furs higher over her body.

The room has been getting a little warmer during the last couple of hours since Clarke closed the window, yet it is still cold enough to leave goosebumps over her skin and it probably does the same to Lexa.

Clarke is still surprised that so many hours have passed yet Lexa is still sleeping. Still not bothered at all to get up and start with the day. Not bothered in the least to sneak out the room like she had so quietly the other morning.

No, this morning she seems more than happy to stay in Clarke’s bed, and Clarke doesn’t mind the least. She enjoys watching Lexa like this. To watch her be in a state so relaxed and calm. It is unusual and rare, but maybe that is part of why Clarke enjoys it so much. She likes to see Lexa as simply more,, _human._

“ Do you take pleasure in drawing people while they sleep, Clarke? “

Lexa’s voice is low and husky, her eyes are still closed yet she has seemed to notice exactly what Clarke is doing.

That is something that always impresses Clarke, just how Lexa seems to know her so well. How she manages to know what Clarke feels and what she’s thinking without the need of actually looking at her.

Clarke huffs but let’s the smile stay glued to her lips by Lexa’s clear observation.

This is the second time that she’s been caught drawing the other woman. The two only times that she’s _been_ drawing her. The first time it was awkward and caught her off guard, and Clarke hadn’t had any idea of what to make of the situation. It had been so obvious so there had been no use in hiding it. Now though, Clarke has come to enjoy the way it brings a smile to Lexa’s face. A smile reserved only for her_._

“ I was inspired. “ Clarke whispers.

She watches for the words to reach Lexa’s ears and soon notice how the sentence makes Lexa’s lips twitch in a hidden smile of excitement while her eyes remain closed.

It is beautiful and breathtaking in the way Lexa smiles. In the way she’s clearly enjoying this as much as Clarke does.

Clarke never imagined to see her smile this way, or how the thought of Clarke drawing her could excite Lexa in the way it does. But it is fascinating and mesmerizing to witness how it does. To just witness the stoic Commander of the 12 clans blush by the realization that Clarke is drawing her.

Lexa opens her eyes a moment later before she shifts in her position to get a better look at Clarke. Her eyes still look half-dazed from just waking up, but it is stunning and captivating and Clarke can’t help but to be drawn to them.

Her heart speeds up in pace embarrassingly fast by looking into her eyes, and Clarke is aware of the spark she feels set low in her stomach a second later.

“ How did you sleep? “ Lexa asks suddenly. Her voice soft and smooth, although Clarke shakes her head lightly before she places the block and pencil on the floor beside the chair.

“ Not well. “ The words sneak through in more of a sigh before Clarke notices in the corner of her eyes how Lexa turns her head in the pillows and her eyes start to observe Clarke more clearly.

She knows that a million questions can be asked from that statement alone. Questions that Clarke doesn’t feel like answering, and questions that Clarke isn’t even sure if she has the answers to. So Clarke is fast to get her eyes back at Lexa.

“ You? “ 

Lexa smiles. 

“ _ Well. _ “ 

Clarke nods. She forces a small smile to form her lips too after the reminder that hits her of the wet trail down Lexa’s cheek that she had just wiped off hours before.

It still leaves a stinging ache in her chest and Clarke hasn’t forgotten about it. Lexa may have slept good but Clarke also knows that there are ghosts in Lexa’s mind that haunts her in her sleep that Clarke can’t see, and maybe this time Lexa isn’t even aware of it herself.

Clarke swallows thickly and tugs the hair behind her ear.

“ You were crying in your sleep. “ She lets out as soft as she can.

She doesn’t want to scare Lexa off or make her feel uncomfortable in any way. Just sleeping here is vulnerable enough for her, and Clarke knows that.

“ You don’t need to explain. “ She’s quick to fill in as soon as she sees the smile fall from Lexa’s lips and she starts to shift uncomfortably in the bed.

Clarke knows that the war and the obligations that comes with being the Commander is something that affects Lexa. She knows that it is overwhelming and tough at times. It is not something that Lexa needs to explain or talk about, because Clarke knows.  
  
Lexa sucks in a sharp breath to her heavy lungs before she pulls at the furs and gets out of bed.

The black nightgown she’s wearing is loose over her skin, still it manage to capture the form of her body perfectly.

Clarke’s eyes travel over her, drinking in the sight of Lexa and of the bare skin her nightgown exposes. She is _insanely _beautiful in every way possible.

Clarke clears her throat and blinks away the recent thoughts of Lexa, _or more specifically_, of her body.

“ Won’t you meet with the ambassadors today?” 

Lexa walks over to the other side of the room to get her own fur-robe that lays on one of the chairs. She throws it over her shoulders before she shakes her head lightly. 

“ No. “ 

“ I have training with the nightbloods today. “

Clarke tilts her chin down in a nod. At least today she will be staying in Polis and not ride off to a village somewhere else. Somewhere on the other side of the forest. Today Clarke will be able to have her at least a tiny bit closer, and today Clarke won’t have to worry about what plans Lexa is making with the other ambassadors without Clarke’s presence and knowledge. Today Clarke will be able to breathe for a bit.  
  
The room goes silent and Lexa must have noticed the thoughts of relief spin in Clarke’s head as she turns in her step and glances back at her. The immediate contact of Lexa’s eyes capture Clarke’s attention and makes her meet Lexa’s gaze, quietly and wondering. 

“ Clarke? “ 

Clarke raises her eyebrows in a silent question, a question in form of response as she stares back at Lexa. She keeps her hands locked in her lap and watches as the taller warrior lets her eyes travel over Clarke’s body.

“ Would you like to join us? “ She asks quietly.

  
  


_____________

Clarke figured that since she doesn’t have anything better to do now that she is stuck inside the gates of the Capital, she could might as well follow Lexa to her training with the nightbloods. However, it is not something she regrets agreeing to once she sees Lexa in her training with the children.

Her movements are delicate, elegant.. yet fierce and strong. Her statue solid, and each step thoughtful and stable. Her arms and legs are quick as they work together in pace with her mind, planning each direction and move. Each strike and pull away.

Seeing Lexa this way, grip firmly around the wooden sword while she’s training the younger warriors, while she’s encouraging them to be better and become stronger, is something new that Clarke has never seen before. It is a side of Lexa she never knew that she wanted to see so badly until now. Until now that Lexa is standing in front of her, fighting with four nightbloods at once. Cheering for them and helping them, still not letting them get away too easy.

She is supportive but severe in the way she teaches them. In the way she’s supporting them. And in the way she’s fighting them.

Clarke can see in the depth of the children’s eyes how they all look up to Lexa. How they all cherish this moment of time with the Commander. Clarke isn’t sure if it is usual for the Commanders to personally train the nightbloods. She knows that Anya had been Lexa’s mentor and just assumed that it meant that she had been the one to train her. She just assumed that all nightbloods have a personal mentor to train each one.

Thinking about it, Clarke realize that it is so little that she actually knows about the Grounders, about their culture and traditions. She thinks she’s learning more things each day, yet it feels like something new always shows up and she’s not getting anywhere.

Clarke wants to know it all, wants to be a part of it all. Each step closer to seeing what Lexa comes from, of seeing what makes Lexa to the person that she is, is setting a feeling of heat in between her ribs and around her chest. It is interesting and intriguing.

“ Good Stella. _Again_! “

Lexa shouts after the hard hit she received aimed for her chest.

Lexa’s voice is strong and firm as it sets in the air among them. It is encouraging and makes the younger girl raise her chin and go for it again.

It is fascinating to watch the way Lexa moves, how quick her feet and arms move together to protect each hit coming her way. Each hit coming all at once from the four warriors around her.

Lexa had explained earlier when Clarke couldn’t find Aden, that not all nightbloods train with her at once. That one group train with her in the morning and the other in the afternoon. One group for the younger and one group for the children a little older.

Still, Clarke doesn’t doubt that Lexa wouldn’t be able to handle them all at once, especially since Clarke once witnessed her fight battle with Roan. But by each hit that gets thrown her way, maybe it is only fair to Lexa to divide it a bit.

Clarke backs away a bit to keep herself out of reach from the nightblood’s hard swings. They are so in the moment, so focused and so dedicated. These children may be in the age of eight to ten, yet Clarke wouldn’t dare challenge any of them in a sword battle.

For her own sake, she is doing best by staying out of reach from the edge of the swords. Yet, it doesn’t stop her from watching, or stop her from finding the interest in how the young children train.

Clarke barely even thinks about how frozen her feet feels or how her body shivers from the cold. The sun has finally risen but it doesn’t help much with the coldness on the ground and the icing in her lungs.

The fog has slightly cleared but light clouds form from her lips with each exhale. Each time her breath greets the cold of the winter.

Clarke shifts the weight from one leg to the other to help her stay warm, even her nose has started running from being too cold.

Her fingers almost hurt and her eyes becomes slightly watery by the air around them. Still, Clarke watches curiously on the warriors in front of her. Listening to each shout and grunt while they fight. Watching as Lexa shifts the wooden sword in her hand before she lightly hits the calves on the smallest warrior.

The young girl that Lexa had called out to earlier now looks terrified. Her hands fumble with her own sword and her legs begin to slightly shake while her eyes are locked with Lexa’s. It is only when Stella becomes more clear in sight that Clarke can fully recognize her. It is the young girl from the wall. The girl who insisted on putting Clarke’s hand on the wall of hope. Clarke’s eyes sharpen by the realization, and with her eyes stuck on the girl, Clarke watches as Lexa pushes Stella’s legs wider from each other with the end of her sword.

“ Strong. “ 

Lexa lightly hits her leg again. Her eyes are sharp as she stares into the younger girl. Focused and serious.

“ The strength lies in your legs. _ Use it_. “ 

“ You need to be stable, sharp. “

  
Clarke raises her chin when Lexa’s words settle to her skin, and she notices how all nightbloods listens intrigued while Lexa explains the techniques.

They all mimic the movement of what Lexa is showing the girl. Feet further apart, knees slightly bent. Lexa takes a step forward and the young nightblood immediately stumbles in her step. 

“_ Focused_. “ 

“ Your opponent will not wait for the time to be right for you. “ 

“ They will look for your weak spot, your wrong step, and then _ they will _strike. “

Lexa makes a move with her sword, not too fast but it is still surprising and even catches Clarke off guard. Clarke can feel her own heart speed up pace on the inside of her chest, but she is happy to watch as Stella quickly catches Lexa’s move.

  
“ You need to have a strong foundation. “ 

“ A firm grip of your own feet. Feel the ground underneath and _ use _ that strength to strike. “ 

Lexa lowers her sword a moment later and walks even closer to the girl. This time her face looks calmer while her dark eyes stares up at the Commander.

“ In battle you will not have time for fear or doubts, or your enemy will use that. _Shil op. “_

Stella swallows thickly, and Clarke can practically see the unsteadiness in her body. She is not ready for this. It is clear in the way she backs away each time a strike of a sword gets thrown her way, or how her breathing gets heavier and her eyes twitch each time Lexa gets hit. Stella doesn’t want this, she is terrified.

Clarke’s heart sinks in her chest by the sight. It is not fair that these children have to go through something so gruesome, something so harsh just because they were born with a different color of their blood. It is not fair that they have to train for a conclave of death that can occur at any moment. A conclave that can come out of nowhere if Lexa would die at any sudden time.

It is not fair that they have to wait around and prepare for something that can take years or maybe just days to happen, and then they will have no other choice but to kill or be killed.  
  
Clarke watches from a few steps back how Lexa ends the lesson and the nightbloods slightly bow before her. They place their swords by the side of their hips before running off back to the Capital.

They had their training session on a hill by the forest, just a bit from the streets of Polis. It is more separated from the rest of the people, calmer and it allowed the nightbloods more focus.

“ Who is she? “ Clarke nods toward the young brunette when she can feel Lexa step in closer to her side.

They both watch as the nightbloods run down the hill, still excited after their session with the Commander. They both keep their watch on the shortest warrior walking last, trying to keep up with the older ones.  
  


“ Stella Kom Trishanakru. “ Lexa responds calmly. 

“ She is the youngest of my novitiates. “  
  
Clarke blinks in response and can feel her heart clench on the inside of her rib cage. It is hard and painful to think about, it is unfair and makes Clarke’s throat feel awfully dry. She tries to swallow back through the thickness in her throat but by the lack of saliva there is no use.

Clarke can soon feel Lexa shift beside her, and she can notice in the corner of her eyes how Lexa’s eyes glance over her and over the features in her face. Lexa must have noticed the frustration in Clarke’s face by the way it brings out the wrinkles between her eyebrows.

“ We can not save these children, _Clarke_. “ 

“ However,,, we _can_ encourage them to save themselves. “

Lexa’s voice is low and soothing. And by the way the words leaves her mouth just barely above a gentle whisper, it makes it feel like it is okay. That it somehow is right or will work out fairly for everyone. But Clarke knows that it’s not true.

Most of these children are going to die, and they will die way too soon. There is no way to justify it or make it sound better than it actually is. But no matter how much it pains her to admit it, Clarke does know that Lexa is right.

From the way things work among the Grounders, there is nothing that she can do to save these children. Because not only would she go against Lexa and every Grounder if she did so. She would also go against over a hundred years of tradition.

“ Who is her mentor? “ Clarke asks with Lexa’s eyes staring into the depth of her own. 

“ Her mother, I believe. “ 

“ Does she live here in Polis? “ 

Lexa nods. At least that is something that can somehow calm Clarke. Knowing that Stella isn’t living completely on her own in the wait of death and at least has her mother here with her.

Clarke shakes her head lightly, the conclave is something that still feels so surreal. It still feels like such a crazy thing to actually go through with.

“ It’s not fair. They’re so young. “ Clarke whispers, and Lexa nods. 

“ They are. “ She agrees. 

They both keep their eyes locked on the view in front of them. Staring down on the streets of the Capital below them.

The day has now started and more Grounders are now up and roaming the streets. Walking around unbothered by the things that are not their problem, unbothered by the chaos on the outside of the gates or by the fear from the nightbloods.

Why does Clarke feel like she is the only one to actually care about all those things? Even Lexa feels way too calm, but maybe she has just become a master at not showing it. Because that wouldn’t surprise Clarke. Lexa is better than anyone she knows at not talking about her feelings or not showing her emotions. If she tries really hard, she can be a master at it even except the few times that Clarke has actually seen her slip and give in. But Lexa showing her emotions usually results in something good, though and Clarke enjoys the way she opens up.

“ How long have they been trained? “ 

“ It is all different. Most of them a few years. “ 

Clarke nods before a heavy sigh sneaks through her lips. 

“ It’s crazy. They are so good, I don’t even know how to fight with a sword. “

Lexa glances over to Clarke at that, and Clarke can feel the depth of Lexa’s eyes stay focused on the side of her face. 

“ Would you like to try? “

Clarke meets Lexa’s eyes, confused and wondering and with her brows high furrowed on top of her forehead. 

“ What? Me? “ 

“ No, I can’t. “ 

Lexa shifts to watch Clarke more clearly. Her eyes dance over Clarke’s body with a hint of a playfulness lingering in them. The sweat covering her features makes the skin on her face glow in the dim sunlight.

“ I will teach you. “ Lexa breathes before she steps closer to behind Clarke.

The warmth of her body captives Clarke in an instant. The heat of her breath greets the cold skin on Clarke’s neck with her face so close. Her fingers trace over Clarke’s arms, down to grab lightly onto her hands to show her how and where to hold the sword the right way. It is distracting and gut-wrenching in the way Lexa touches her.

“ Oh uh, okay..” 

“ But I’m left-handed. “ 

“ I know. “ Lexa whispers. 

The sound of the words comes out as a vibration as they meet Clarke’s skin. It makes the hair on her body rise and her palms to sweat as she tries to hold onto the wooden-sword. Of course Lexa knew.

Clarke can feel her body pressed to her own. She is almost too close, and Clarke can feel the strands of Lexa’s brown curls tickle the flesh on her cheeks. She’s almost even able to feel Lexa’s heart beat in pace with her own, even through the layers of clothing. It beats fast and hard, so does Clarke’s.

It is empowering and overwhelming. It makes her chest tighten almost painfully hard and leaves no words able to sneak through her dry lips. Her hands try to grab more firmly onto the sword when Clarke can feel Lexa trace her fingers up to Clarke’s shoulders instead.

“ Steady. “ She whispers, and Clarke shivers. She closes her eyes and sinks into the touch of feeling Lexa letting her hands wander over Clarke’s body. Leaving her shoulders to travel over to her back.

  
“ You must keep your whole body strong. “ 

“ Your back straight, and your legs stable. “

Clarke’s lips are barely parted as she drinks in Lexa’s words and exhales deeply. She has never been affected by someone's touch or presence in the way she is by Lexa’s. It is new and rare and Clarke can’t help but to fall into it.

She has never felt anything like it before and now she doesn’t want to let go of the feeling. Lexa feels safe, her whole presence feels like safety and Clarke enjoys it to every aspect.

She turns just slightly to glance back at Lexa. Her eyes meets the depth of green and Clarke can see that Lexa looks just as taken by the moment. Her pupils are blown wide and her plump lips parted just like Clarke’s. It makes her breathe just slightly easier by the thickness that started to cover the air among them.

Lexa’s jaw clenches a moment later when her eyes fall down to Clarke’s lips. Drowning by the sight of Lexa’s eyes on her, Clarke’s heart starts to speed up in pace embarrassingly fast.

It is almost painful in the way it beats and in the uneven rhythm it finds. But Clarke doesn’t care, with Lexa so close to her and with the spark enlightening in her gut, Clarke’s eyes soon joins Lexa’s and falls down to her lips.

Kissing Lexa the first time had been something new and interesting, yet kissing Lexa the _second_ time had been something straight out from the stars. Something she had never experienced, something so full of emotion and passion it even made Lexa cry.

For five months, Clarke has been dying to feel something like it again. To feel the softness of Lexa’s lips press gently onto her own. To feel Lexa’s hands travel hesitantly and shyly over her body. Her eyes asking for permission with each new touch. Lexa was, and still is, tender and careful in the way she loves. And Clarke is completely drawn to the feeling.

Her eyes locks with Lexa’s in an hesitant move, and just as she is about to take a breath and lean in, she can feel Lexa fade away from her touch.

“ Heda. “

Titus breaks them apart just in the moment and Clarke has to fight the urge to not hang onto Lexa when she takes a step back.

Lexa’s eyes still look half-dazed from being pulled from the moment and she doesn’t even dare turning to meet Titus’ gaze. Instead she swallows thickly and Clarke finds herself doing the same.

She can feel Titus’ clear stares between them but Clarke doesn’t have the energy in her to care. A part of her is so tired of hiding, a part of her so ready to let the world see and let them think whatever they want. Yet, she knows they _can’t_. Lexa’s duty is too important to jeopardize.

“ Titus? “ Lexa clears her throat and once she’s gotten her breathing under control again, she turns to face the man behind them. She takes the sword into her hands again and holds it firmly in front of her body.

“ Excuse me, Heda. “ 

“ Though, Skaikru have been caught in yet another village and we have been called to a meeting with the ambassadors. It is urgent. “ 

Clarke can feel her whole body tense, and with a glance to Lexa she notice how her spine straightens too. All morning has been so peaceful, so soothing, but this really was the calm before the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ translation ~ 
> 
> Shil op - protect
> 
> Stella Kom Trishanakru - Stella from the glowing forest clan.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here’s chapter 7! It feels really good that we are starting to get a little deeper into the story finally, I have so many ideas of what I want to happen and I read all of your comments and love to see what you think too!

“ We should prepare to attack. “ 

“ If we surround here and then west of the mountains we should be able to over win them.”

The tall Grounder backs away from the table, and away from the map of the forest that Lexa had placed in the middle. Satisfied with his plan to wipe out Clarke’s own people, he backs away closer to the other ambassadors.

For once, Clarke has been invited to join the meeting. A meeting held in the common room for all the ambassadors of every clan. Lexa must have figured that it is time to get her on board now that things are starting to get too ugly. However, Clarke isn’t sure how she likes it once she starts hearing their plans and the opinions all of the other ambassadors have. Most of them seem to share the opinion on killing her people, and most of them seem to agree on wanting a war.   
  


“ We _ don’t need _ to start a war. “ 

“ There are good people there, doctors, mechanics. People that we need! “ 

Clarke can clearly feel all eyes on her. Yet, it doesn’t stop her from speaking up. She needs to say something, needs to do something to stop this. No matter how hurt the Grounders are by what her people have done, she can’t let them go to war and kill them. Kill everyone she knows, her friends. There are still people back in Arkadia that she cares about, people that want out of the situation as much as Clarke does. 

“ There were good people in the villages that _ your _ people slaughtered too. “ 

Clarke swallows thickly at that as she lets the words get to her. She knows that it is unfair and she knows that the Grounders have every right to be mad. However, it is not something that can control how they act next. They have to stop this. They have to stop more blood from getting spilled. At this point it doesn’t matter who did what, what matters is to stop it from continuing to happen. If they want to live in a world of peace they have to act differently from the way the have before. They can’t continue to live on _ blood must have blood _ or whatever rules they go with. They have to do different, so they can start living different. 

“ Beja, Heda “ 

“ Ai ste beja yu daun. Teik ai frag emo op.”

The tall warrior now turns his attention to Lexa. With a face begging and with his eyes full of hope for the spirit of the Commander, he walks closer to her. Yet, Lexa doesn’t move.

With her face stone cold and with her spine rigid she only watches as the warrior steps closer to her. It doesn’t matter how much the ambassadors of the 12 clans argue about how they want to go on with this, because in the end of the day, the only thing that will matter is Lexa’s orders. Lexa is the only one who can stop this, or if she chooses, continue with it. It is all up to her and everyone in the room knows it.

The warrior stops in just an arm-length in front of Lexa. His tall body hovers over her as she stares deep into his eyes. It is always something fascinating by watching Lexa close to her warriors. Watching her as she stands side by side to someone twice her size, yet knowing that Lexa has all of the control. It is empowering and majestic, and it is encouraging to watch.  
  
“ Ai gaf sen em in, Nyko. “ Lexa’s tone is low, yet powerful, and her words makes the warrior step back in an instant.

His chin raises in a simple response although he still listens and steps out of the way. His eyes are pitch-black, full of want for revenge and justice. It is understandable, yet mildly intimidating.

Clarke takes her eyes off of him from where she stands on the other side of the table, and instead she switches her gaze to Lexa. Watching as she stands with her hands clasped behind her back, her shoulder armor attached to her body and her Commander symbol placed just between her eyebrows. Her hands grab the map a moment later and after studying every piece of it her eyes lock with blue.

“ How do you suggest we go on with this then, Clarke? “ 

Every eyes in the room turns back to Clarke. Waiting impatiently to hear what she has to say, but the truth is, Clarke doesn’t know. She has no idea how to stop this which is why she came to Polis and to Lexa in the first place. She needs help but Clarke is not willing to risk the safety of her people. She is not willing to go on with this in the way the ambassadors want to. It is not necessary to start a war and more deaths for something that can possibly be fixed in another way. 

“ Skaikru want her back. “ 

“ I say we send her home and banish them all!“

One voice shouts from the back of the crowd, Yet Lexa’s hand raises to silence it in an instant, and before the cheers from the other ambassadors gets too loud.

Clarke can feel the thickness grow deep in the back of her throat, making it almost painful to breathe. Making decisions is something that Clarke has been used to ever since they landed on earth, although it doesn’t stop this from feeling extremely hard. She has never felt so unwelcome before, and suddenly it seems like no solution wants to come to her. Instead, Clarke is left unable to speak or move.

Maybe they are right, maybe it is just best for her to leave. Maybe she is saving the most by leaving them alone. She’s clearly not helped much since she got to Polis. Instead more villages have been attacked and more people have been killed. It isn’t something that can continue. So maybe the Grounders are right after all. 

Her eyes glance up to Lexa. She knows that Lexa thinks that leaving is a bad decision, but maybe it is just a selfish decision not to. Maybe they have been selfish the last couple of days, with too much attention on each other and not enough on their people.

No matter how much Clarke wants to stay with Lexa in Polis, and no matter how much Lexa wants her to, maybe now it is about time to stop being selfish and return to their right sides of the war. Clarke needs to go home. 

  
  
____________

  
  
Lexa calls an end to the meeting about an hour later. Still, no further plans have been made and it leaves quite a few Grounders irritated and disappointed as they leave the room. Though, Clarke can understand why. It is hard to see nothing but vengeance in times like these, but they need to, and at least this bought her more time to figure something out. This bought her more time to think about what to do next. 

Clarke watches as Lexa talks with one of her warriors, someone clearly not satisfied with how the meeting ended for them. But Lexa calms her down with a hand on her upper-arm and with a stubborn look in her eyes. She’s speaking with a voice low enough for Clarke to not be able to hear, but whatever Lexa says it must work as the Grounder soon leaves her side and walks out of the doors. 

“ Clarke, may I have a word? “

Clarke immediately turns by the sudden mention of her name. Surprisingly and confusingly, she finds Titus stand close by her side. With his face calm and with his hands clasped in front of his body he meets her eyes. 

“ Uh, yeah sure. “ 

With all the thoughts already in her head, Titus might be one of the last people that she wants to speak to right now. During all the time that Clarke has spent in Polis, she’s never really seen eye to eye with Titus, and they have never really enjoyed the others presence.

Clarke is well aware of that Titus only thinks that she is destroying Lexa, and destroying the way that they live. She is well aware of how he sees her as some kind of danger to Polis and to Lexa. However, Clarke takes a breath and steps in front of him, getting ready for whatever he has to say about her this time.

She can notice how he glances over her shoulder to get a last look at Lexa, making sure that she is out of reach to hear before he turns back to Clarke.

“ What are you doing? “ He whispers, and Clarke’s eyebrows immediately furrows. 

“ Excuse me? “ 

“ You know that Lexa will never execute her duties while you are still here. “ 

“ You _ need _ to return. “ 

Clarke stares back at him, yet she is not surprised and even if the words baffles her for a moment she can’t help but let them get stuck to her skin. To just let them sink in to her bones and carve themselves to her core. With her mouth half agape, Clarke lets the words spin in her head. A part of her knowing the truth that lies in the sentences he says.

“ I.. “ she starts but nothing comes out, and Clarke can notice how Titus bites down the frustration on his face. 

“ For everyone’s safety, I will ask you to _ please _ return to your people so that Lexa can take care of hers. “ 

That’s all he says before he walks past her shoulder and joining the others to walk out of the room. Yet Clarke stands still, unable to move with each new haunting thought. The thought of her return carves itself deeper into her bones the more she lets it spin in her mind.

Maybe she can just fix this herself by returning to Arkadia and talk to her people. Talk to Bellamy. She knows that he has a good connection to Pike, so maybe if Clarke can just get him to listen, then maybe he can get Pike to.

Clarke runs her hand through her hair, maybe that is the only way if they don’t want this to end in battle.

“ What did he say? “ Lexa’s low voice soon startles her as she walks up close by Clarke’s side.

A worry lies deep in her eyes when Clarke turns to look at her. Lexa’s face is dejected and bleak and Clarke’s heart aches at the sight. Yet, she sucks in a sharp intake of breath before she clears her throat from the thickness it created. 

“ He thinks I should go back. “

Lexa stays silent, yet her chin raises and her eyes start to travel deep between Clarke’s. Trying to notice the changes in her face or the answers deep hidden in her soul. 

“ And what do you want? “ She whispers, and Clarke sighs.

Why does it all have to be so hard? She knows what she has to do yet she can’t seem to get the words to leave her mouth. Instead her head tilts and her eyes stay locked with the depth of green, and she knows that Lexa probably is aware of Clarke’s decision before she even needs to say it. She can see it in the way Lexa’s jaw clenches and as she swallows down the painful lump in the back of her throat.

“ I think I just need to talk to Bellamy. “ 

“ Bellamy? “ Lexa’s brow furrows as she stares confused back at Clarke. But Clarke exhales deeply before she takes a step forward. 

“ Yes. “ 

“ Pike trusts him. If I can get to him, he can get to Pike. “ 

“ That is your plan? “ Lexa sighs and turns in her step. Everyone have now left the room, leaving them both alone as the doors are closed. Clarke can tell by the way Lexa wanders around the room, back and forth, how the idea didn’t really reach up to her standards. How she thinks it is a bad idea, yet it is the only idea Clarke has. 

“ Lexa. “ Clarke breathes, trying to get her attention back. 

“ We can not risk it. “ she mumbles over her shoulder.

“ I can not let you leave, Clarke. “ and with that, Clarke takes a step after her. She knows that it’s not what Lexa wants to hear, but it’s what they have to do. She knows that Lexa thinks she’s doing right by keeping Clarke safe in Polis, but Clarke starts to wonder if it really is so safe for her here. She can might as well go back to Arkadia to try to fix things before war is their only option. 

Clarke sighs. 

“ Octavia will expect us to do something. “ 

Lexa turns and Clarke continues. 

“ I have to go back, it’s the only way. “ 

Lexa’s chin raises and her downcast eyes stares deep into Clarke’s, _ searching_, before a dejected cloud start to cover every feature in her face. It is painful to watch.

Clarke knows that she is trying to hide her emotions but she is failing, miserably. She is disappointed and afraid. Afraid of Clarke’s return to Arkadia and afraid of Clarke’s faith that lies within their walls. Within their walls where she holds no power, where she can do nothing to keep Clarke safe. Yet she has no chance to respond or fight back before the doors opens and Titus walks back in. 

“ Heda, we still have some matters to discuss.“ 

Clarke notices the thickness clenching by Lexa’s throat, and how she seems to think that Titus arrived at the worst possible moment. Still, she forces her chin to tilt down in a simple nod while her eyes meet the ground between them.

She stays silent when she looks back up at Clarke, just the sight is gut-wrenching and makes it hard to breathe. This is not how Clarke wanted to leave the Capital. Everything had been so good just this morning. Waking by Lexa’s side, sleeping with her hand clasped with her own. And now it is like she can barely even talk to her. 

Lexa breathes deeply and with a last final look at Clarke, she leaves the room in silence. 

  
  


____________

  
  
Clarke’s room feels colder and darker when she returns. It doesn’t have the same home feeling to it like it did when she left this morning. Now it just looks bleak and empty. Empty without Lexa, and bleak without her presence.

Clarke isn’t even sure if it is the room that is different, maybe it is just the unsteadiness she feels in her body that makes it out to seem that way. Knowing that she is leaving this place only to return to something her mind has been running from for months. Walking away from something that brought her peace and comfort, only to leave it all behind and go back to reality. The reality that isn’t glowing in the low sunlight, the reality that isn’t watching Lexa’s bashful smile while her eyes are still in daze from just waking up.

Clarke sighs and walks closer to the chair by the bed. Finding the block of paper she’d just been drawing in this morning. Bringing it up in her hands to study the black lines over the paper. The black lines that one after one connects to create the form of Lexa’s sleeping body. To create the low sunlight streaming in from the windows.

It makes Clarke’s heart speed and her chest to drop. A heavy feeling sets over her shoulders and her vision becomes blurry from the few tears that sneaks to the corner of her eyes. _Maybe someday, _Clarke tries to remind herself. Maybe someday they can have it all.

Clarke breathes in deeply before she wipes the tears from her eyes and places the drawing back on the chair. It belongs here, here in Polis. Even if she did take it with her it would probably just get lost in the rest of the chaos. The sleeping image of Lexa deserves to stay here in peace and in the calm. 

With heavy steps, Clarke wanders over the room. Gathering the things that belongs to her and that she _does_ need to take with her to Arkadia.

She finds her gun placed on the table by the chairs. It feels unusual and wrong to bring it to her hands and to feel the material of it meet the skin in her palms. It has been awhile since she last had to use it, and holding it in her hands only reminds her of all the things she’s done. All of the horrific deaths that she’s caused and all the blood that still lingers deep buried in her skin. It reminds her of the person that she used to be, of the person that she is trying to run from.

Clarke remembers how much she had hated the idea of first bringing guns to camp once Bellamy had found them. It had felt wrong and too much. Now Clarke starts to wonder how and when it became a part of her to use it. How the gun has started to feel glued to her skin and always seen by the side of her hip. When did she become this person?

With a heavy sigh leaving her lips, Clarke places the gun back on her hip before she can hear a light knock on her door.

Clarke turns by the sound, and in the small gap she finds Lexa staring back at her. She stands quietly with her hand holding onto the door. 

“ May I? “ she whispers, and Clarke nods.

A warm feeling sets in her chest by seeing Lexa in her room, yet the feeling soon washes over with heavy gray clouds. It is so many mixed feelings capturing her all at once. Lexa had seemed so disappointed and sad before, that Clarke wasn’t even sure if she would see her again before she left.

Now though, she can feel the heavy weight lift from her shoulders by watching Lexa walk further into the room. Her eyes searches the surroundings, and every corner of the room. Yet they soon fall down to study the gun placed steady by Clarke’s hip. 

“ You are leaving. “ 

Lexa’s voice is low and careful, and Clarke can tell by the light in her eyes that she is still hoping for Clarke to change her mind. Still hoping for Clarke to come to the conclusion that leaving is a bad idea. Still hoping that Clarke will somehow choose her. Yet she can’t.

No matter how much Clarke wants to take away the gun from her hip that now has started to feel so heavy stuck to her body, and no matter how much she instead wants to change into some of Lexa’s more comfortable clothes and out of her own leather, she can’t. She can’t choose Lexa. Not this time, and not the last time she left either. But maybe, if she just chooses her people this time, then maybe she can make changes so she’ll never have to choose them over Lexa again. Maybe she can stop this once and for all and then return to Polis and be with Lexa. And stay with Lexa. 

Clarke sighs. “ I have to. “

Lexa nods slowly and silently as a reaction to Clarke’s words. 

Watching Lexa this way, only reminds her of the last time she had to leave. The last time that Lexa was begging her to stay only with the silence of her eyes, the way Lexa was grabbing by her arm and how Clarke didn’t want to let go. How it had made Clarke so unsure of every decision she had made up to that moment, almost regretting the grudges she held against Lexa for so long. The grudges and her own ego that got in the way of being with Lexa sooner.

Now it feels like it is all happening all over again. It is painfully similar, and the look in Lexa’s eyes haven’t changed from then to now. 

“ I have to stop them. “ Clarke whispers before she steps closer.

The need of feeling like she has to explain her decision sweeps over her, but Clarke knows that Lexa understands. She knows by the way Lexa blinks slowly before her chin tilts down in a small, almost hidden nod. She knows by the way Lexa sucks in a sharp intake of cold breath and how her shoulders sink.

She knows that Lexa understands because Lexa gets what it’s like to make decisions like these, because she makes them every day. The duty they have to their people is one thing that they have in common, one thing that they share and one thing that they understand about each other. _ Mostly.   
_

“ I will send riders with you. “ 

Clarke shakes her head. 

“ You don’t have to. “ 

“ It is already ordered. “ 

“ They will follow you to the border but then they are not to go any further. “ 

Clarke nods understanding.

Lexa knew before even coming here that Clarke had already made her decision, and therefore already ordered for some Grounders to go with her. Not all the way, but at least as close as they can get.

“ Thank you. “ Clarke whispers.

The words brings a small, very painful smile to sneak up to settle on Lexa’s lips. It sends shivers down Clarke’s spine and makes her chest only feel tighter.

She doesn’t want to leave, and seeing Lexa here, like this, only makes it harder. Lexa doesn’t even need to say anything, and the lack of words among the Grounders and the way they instead use so much of their body language and facial expressions, is now something that Clarke is very thankful for.

She doesn’t need Lexa to say anything, and even if she did. She wouldn’t have known what to say back. Instead, she appreciates this silence and appreciates the way Lexa reads the signs in her body and in her face. She appreciates the way Lexa knows her without the need of words. She wishes that she was as good at it, because maybe then she would’ve known what to do next. Maybe then she would’ve known how to say goodbye to Lexa this time.

The last time, Lexa had taken the initiative by reaching out her arm, and then Clarke had taken the initiative by kissing her. The handshake hadn’t felt enough. Now though, Clarke is hesitant on how to say goodbye to Lexa. A handshake, a hug, a kiss? What is the correct way this time?

A puff of air in a form of an hesitant laugh escapes Clarke’s lips. Her eyes wander over Lexa, and her mind doesn’t have time to react before her body has already given in.

Her legs move her forward with a will of their own and she does her best to read the changes in Lexa’s face when her body gets closer. However, Lexa’s eyes study Clarke carefully, they travel over her body and over her face by each move she makes. Her mouth half agape and with her heart speeding hard and fast inside her chest, she watches as Clarke gets closer.

Clarke’s arms find their way around Lexa’s neck, and Clarke can clearly soon feel Lexa give in and put her hands around Clarke’s waist too. Hesitantly and careful.

The warmth of her hands hold Clarke close and steady, and Clarke almost shivers by the touch of Lexa’s hug. It is warm and comforting, and Clarke can almost feel Lexa’s heart beat in pace with her own. It beats fast, and Clarke can feel the heaviness of Lexa’s breath meet the skin on her shoulder.

Feeling the taller woman this close to her, feeling the touch of her body, is something that Clarke has been craving unconsciously for months. It is something that she has been missing for so long. Now here she stands, holding Lexa close to her body, drowning in the touch of feeling Lexa’s hands hold firmly on her back. It is comforting and calming, and Clarke can feel the heaviness leave her shoulders as she sinks into Lexa’s embrace.

Slowly and carefully, does her body start to relax more and more, soon depending on Lexa to keep her standing up. But Clarke doesn’t care, she just wants a moment to _hold her. _Just hold her.  
  
Clarke closes her eyes and moves her face to the crook of Lexa’s neck. It is warm and the skin on her body just as soft as Clarke had remembered. She drinks in the feeling of her, of every piece and detail of the Commander before her.

Lexa’s hair falls lightly over Clarke’s face, the smell of her a slight mix of forest and a bit of sweat, but Clarke doesn’t care. It is just like she remembered it, and just as she likes it.

Clarke wonders if she ever will get used to the feeling of this. Of the feeling of Lexa and how much she feels like home. It only makes leaving so much harder and Clarke has to fight the urge of not holding onto Lexa. Silently and slowly, she forces herself to take a small step back.

Her hands slide hesitantly over Lexa’s shoulders and down her strong biceps, and Clarke can clearly both feel and hear Lexa take a deep intake of breath. It is overwhelming for her too, Clarke knows. What they feel for each other is something so strong, so powerful from anything they’ve both felt before that it leaves them both breathless. It leaves them both hesitant on how to deal with the situation.

Lexa lingers in the touch, unwilling of letting go. What they feel is something so strong that they almost feel glued to each other’s skin, and Clarke knows that Lexa can feel it too. It is powerful and hard to control.

She can tell that Lexa feels it too by the way her hands doesn’t seem to want to leave Clarke’s back, how they slowly slide to her waist and stays there when her breath meets the cold skin on Clarke’s face. The feeling makes Clarke suck in a sharp intake of breath and hold it, and her heart speeds up like anything she’s ever felt before.

She keeps her eyes closed and can only feel Lexa hesitantly move closer. The feeling of her breath only becomes warmer the closer she gets. And the closer she gets, the faster Clarke’s heart beats.

“ Will you return to Polis, Clarke? “

Lexa whispers under her breath, yet Clarke doesn’t feel like she has any words in her to answer with. Her throat feels too tight and her mind too dizzy to even think the slightest about talking right now. 

“ Mhm. “ She murmurs before her lips fall onto Lexa’s.

Hesitantly and gentle she takes the breath out of her. Clarke can almost even feel the gasp meet her lips before her hand find its way to hold firmly onto Lexa’s neck.

She needs to keep her close, needs to feel her skin under the touch of her fingertips. The kiss is emotional, warm. It is one last of a kiss, one craving kiss and one wanting kiss. It is all Clarke remembered and all Clarke has missed since she last left Polis. Since she last felt the warmth of Lexa’s plump lips capture her own.

She drowns in the familiar feeling of Lexa’s lips move in an uneven rhythm with her own. It is slightly wet from the saliva that stirs but Clarke doesn’t mind. She doesn’t mind when she can feel the warmth of Lexa’s shivering hands slide over her back or how Lexa slightly moves back to suck in a deep intake of breath.

Yet, Clarke stops there. She brings her hand up to the other side of Lexa’s neck and holds her still, her head resting heavily onto the taller woman’s as she breathes in an uneven pace.

For a moment she can still feel Lexa chase her lips, and she is well aware of how easy it is to get lost in the feeling once they’ve gotten the taste of it. However, it is not something that they can let happen this time. This time, Clarke has to stop her here.

Lexa breathes heavily onto Clarke’s face, and her hands hold gently onto the sides of Clarke’s waist. With their eyes closed they stand still, stand still in the moment of just feeling each other. In a moment of just being there for each other. With a ragged breathing and with their hearts pounding out of rhythm, they stand still. 

“ Do we always have to kiss under these circumstances? “ Clarke slightly jokes in a heavy breath.

Her forehead rests against Lexa’s and the words draws a relieved breath of fresh air out to leave Lexa’s lips. It is beautiful and Clarke is aware of how the sound makes her stomach tingle low in her gut. Yet, the warm feeling of Lexa soon fades as she takes a small step back.

Her hands slide slowly from Clarke’s waist and when Clarke finally opens her eyes to look back up at Lexa, she notices the depth of green scan every detail of Clarke’s face. 

“ I will get the horses ready. “ Lexa whispers, and Clarke nods slowly. Still feeling half-dazed from the kiss she just experienced.

Silently she watches Lexa back away, and with no urge left in her to stop her, all Clarke can do is to watch in silence. With her mouth half agape and with her chest out of breath, watch how Lexa leaves the room. 

  
  


______________

  
  
Gray clouds have started to lay like a big duvet over the sky above them. Covering the sunlight from sneaking through and reach the ground, and instead letting the rain fall down. Instead letting the rain cover the streets of the Capital, making the ground muddy and everything wet.

Clarke hates the way it makes her hair damp and stick to her skin. She hates how it makes her pants feel tighter by the water that soaks them from where she sits with her legs around the horse.  
  


Clarke had gathered the rest of her stuff, and been told to meet the other riders by the gates and get ready to take off. Get ready to spend three more days on top of a horse and out in the rain. The reminder of the long trip back to Arkadia only becomes another reason of why Clarke doesn’t want to leave. She remembers the awful ride she had to get to the Capital, and now she has to do the same ride back. Only this time, nothing good waits for her at the end of her destination.

At least the last time she made the trip she had something to look forward to. A goal to reach and long for. This time, it is only misery and chaos that awaits her and Clarke hates the thought of it.

Clarke glances around, by the thought of how many Grounders wished her gone, a sure lot of people came to watch her leave. The streets are crowded with people. Crowded with people who are interested in watching her leave. They all keep their stare at her and at the gates behind. Just waiting for them to open so that Clarke can ride off.

However, they still have to wait for Lexa. Still wait for Lexa who is nowhere to be found before they can go.

Clarke’s eyes travel to her side. Lexa had sent Tamari to go with her, and Clarke is relieved by the notice. She remembers how Lexa had explained that Tamari is one of their best hunters, so Clarke can be calm in that sense. Knowing that she has someone with her who can hunt if necessary.

Honestly, Clarke feels calm just by the knowledge of having someone with her that she trusts even a little bit. Because to the left of her, Clarke can also notice that Lexa ordered for Tristan to join too. Tristan who held a knife to her throat, Tristan who made it very clear that he doesn’t want Clarke here. Or anywhere for that matter.

Although, this time she looks, Clarke can clearly notice the bruising around his eye and the scar on his lip. And with that, Clarke remembers Lexa’s words. _ Tristan will face consequences for his actions. _The words spin in Clarke’s mind as her eyes scan his face. Did Lexa do that to him? Or had she sent someone to hurt him because he tried to hurt her? Clarke wouldn’t be surprised, yet it still doesn’t feel right. 

Clarke swallows thickly by the realization before her eyes turn back to the view in front of her. Back to the people waiting, just like herself, for the Commander to walk through. However, Lexa never does.

Minutes go by and the crowd stand just as still, just as quiet. And with no new knowledge of the presence of the Commander, Clarke’s heart sinks in her chest. Her palms start to sweat as she starts to hold more firmly onto the reins, and her eyes scans stressfully between the people and for each new movement. Why isn’t she coming? Clarke’s throat starts feeling dry and her stomach clench painfully hard. The stress becomes harder to handle the more minutes that goes by. She at least thought that Lexa would come to watch her leave. To say goodbye.

“ Are you ready to leave? “ Tristan’s voice is strong, yet it echoes through Clarke’s ears with her stare at the crowd. She can’t leave without seeing Lexa. Without saying a proper goodbye. 

“ You know that we need to wait for the Commander’s orders, Tristan. “ Tamari assures. 

The words manage to calm Clarke for just a second. If Tamari can just keep Tristan occupied, if she can just keep him from deciding to ride off before Lexa comes, then she can be calm. _Come on, where are you? _

The thoughts spin in her mind and the raindrops run down over Clarke’s face. It makes her eyelashes feel heavy as the rain sticks to them, and her hands to start feeling colder by the water that soaks them and lingers on her skin. If Clarke could have chosen any day to leave, today wouldn’t be that day. Not with the rain that falls down faster every minute, and not now that she so desperately wants to stay in Polis. To just spend one more night in Polis.

“ The Commander also ordered us to deliver Wanheda to Skaikru before sunset. “ 

Clarke can clearly see in the corner of her eyes how Tamari shoots a gaze to Tristan. She can feel Tamari go unsteady by her side and unsure of how to act in the situation. Should they wait for Lexa or keep their orders and leave before it gets too late? Clarke doesn’t even care what orders to follow. She doesn’t care if she gets to Arkadia a few hours later than originally planned. Not if it means waiting for Lexa to arrive first. 

  
“ Tamari, oso souda bants. “  
  
Clarke chest tightens by Tristan’s words. She has caught up on just enough of their language to understand the words. To understand the words that sticks to her skin, yet she doesn’t have it in her to fight back or respond.

Tristan is growing impatient and the rain isn’t helping with their waiting either. Tristan’s orders to follow Clarke back to the border is probably one of his punishments that Lexa must have given him. Probably one of his duties to make up for what he did and show himself worthy in the Commander’s eyes again.

However, Clarke can tell how much he just wants to get this over with. To be honest, so does Clarke. She just wants to get this over with so she can be back in Polis by the time he is. However, the thought of that happening is not very likely. 

“ Tamari. “ 

“ Just wait a minute! “ Clarke shouts back.

She can feel Tristan’s gaze stare sharp at her, yet his impatient words and the way he shifts on the back of his horse does very little to keep Clarke calm. She hates the way he seems to just want to get out of here, how he just wants to send her home as soon as he can. Clarke doesn’t want to leave, not without seeing Lexa first. 

“ Wanheda. “ Tamari’s voice is gentle as she tries to get Clarke’s attention.

“ The Commander may have gotten more important matters to handle. We must leave now if we want to leave before sunset. “ 

Clarke’s eyes travel among the people, trying so desperately to see the figure of the Commander walking through. Needing to see the crowd spread when Lexa becomes clear in sight. However, it never does.

Maybe they are right. Maybe something more important has come up for Lexa to deal with. Maybe Lexa thought that the moment in her room earlier had been enough of a goodbye. Maybe it was, but Clarke still hoped to see her one more time before she left. 

Clarke sighs and lowers her chin before she pulls at the reins of the horse and turns around. 

“ Okay then . “ She breathes, and Tamari nods.

There isn’t much more Clarke can do. The Grounders won’t let her stay much longer anyway and her own people are waiting for her. They’re waiting for her return and so are the Grounders. At least that is one thing that they have in common.

However, as Tristan gets ready to inform the guards to open the gates, whispers and distant shouts start to spread in the air among them from the people in the crowd.

Clarke immediately turns by the noises, she glances over her shoulder and notices how the crowd starts to move. 

“ _Hod op!_ “

A loud, firm voice captures everyone’s attention. It is demanding and clear and makes everyone move out of the way.

The familiar voice calms the speeding of Clarke’s heart and she can feel her hands loosen the grip of the reins just slightly by watching the crowd spread and the figure of the Commander walking through.

Her red cloth, hanging attached from her shoulder armor, sweeps over the wet ground as she moves. It makes the fabric dirty and wet, yet Lexa doesn’t care. Her face is covered in war paint, although the rain that lands on her face only wipes it out even messier over Lexa’s features. Clarke smiles at the sight, and her heart speeds by watching Lexa move closer to her. 

“ I’m glad you came. “

Clarke mimics the chosen words of what Lexa once told her. Of the words that meant as much then as they do now. It brings a hidden smile to sneak up to Lexa’s lips by the reminder, yet it fades as fast as it got there to keep it from the others to see. 

“ Me too. “ Lexa whispers.

An enlightening feeling sets in Clarke’s chest before a heavy breath leaves her mouth. She watches for Lexa to get closer to the side of her horse. Her eyes lock with green and Clarke watches as Lexa glances around the crowd of people before her eyes turn back to Clarke. She lowers her chin and her face turns more serious in an instant. 

“ I need you to find Luna. “ Lexa whispers before she brings out a map from the inside of her coat.

Clarke glances down on it, she can feel the confusion spread wide over her face and Lexa must have noticed it too. Clarke has heard the name before, she’s once heard Lincoln mention it to Octavia, yet Clarke has no idea of who she is. 

“ Luna? “ She asks confused, and Lexa nods. 

“ Take Lincoln with you, he knows where to find her. “ 

Clarke’s eyes travel confused between Lexa’s. Trying to search for answers deep hidden in them. Trying to understand what is going on or what Lexa wants. 

“ When the sun sets four days from now, I will need you to be out of Arkadia and on your way to Luna. “ 

“ Lexa, what’s going on? “ 

“ Please, trust me. “ 

“ This is our only way. “ 

Clarke nods confused, still not completely sure of what’s going on or what Lexa means by all of this. Yet she has to believe that Lexa knows best, that Lexa has some kind of plan that she has to follow. A plan that will help them. So she takes the map from the palm of Lexa’s hand and holds it firmly in her own. 

“ You may bring other people whom you trust with you, although not too many. “ 

“ The other clans will never let Skaikru be part of the coalition again, although Luna’s clan may take you in. “ 

Clarke keeps her eyes locked with Lexa’s as she lets the words stick to her. Does Lexa mean that they should join Luna’s clan and that way be part of the coalition? By the words leaving her mouth that is exactly the impression Clarke gets from it, and honestly, Clarke isn’t sure how to take it.

Instead she nods confused, agreeing to something that she isn’t sure will work. That she isn’t even sure if she wants. But maybe Lexa is right, maybe that is the only way.

Although, Clarke can’t help but feel like Lexa knows something that she doesn’t. That she has answers to questions that Clarke hasn’t asked. 

“ You want us to join the coalition from Luna’s clan? “ 

Lexa stays silent, yet by the way her jaw clenches and her chin raises, Clarke knows. It is exactly what Lexa wants. Because that way, Clarke will be part of the coalition. That way Lexa will be able to protect her. 

“ It is the only way for us to… “ Lexa swallows down the words. Just like she had done that time she wanted to tell Clarke that she loves her but stepped back. Still, Clarke knows. She doesn’t need for Lexa to finish the sentence.

It is heart wrenching and breathtaking by the way Lexa gets out of her way to make sure that they will have their someday. 

“ Maybe someday. “ Lexa whispers, reminding Clarke of the words she once told Lexa herself. It makes her chest twist and a shivering to set just between her ribs. 

“ Just not yet. “ Clarke whispers back, and Lexa smiles. A painful smile. A wanting smile, and a desperate smile. 

“ Just promise me you will be out of Arkadia by the fourth day. “ 

Clarke nods. 

“ I promise. “

_____________

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ translations ~ 
> 
> Beja, Heda - Please, Commander. 
> 
> Ai ste beja yu daun. Teik ai frag emo op. - I beg you. Let me kill them. 
> 
> Ai gaf sen em in, Nyko. - I need to hear what she has to say, Nyko. 
> 
> Tamari, oso souda bants. - Tamari, we must leave. 
> 
> Hod op! - wait!


	8. authors note!

just checking in with a small authors note to first just say that thank you so much for all the lovely feedback, I am so happy that you enjoy my work. second, I have started on another clexa fanfic. It is called _lovers in past life _and the first chapter was just posted. This doesn’t mean that I won’t continue on this one it just means that I’m doing both, but don’t worry I have help to manage it so it won’t affect this story too much. All I wanted to say was that I would be so happy if you checked it out!   
  


but other than that, the next chapter of this story should be out soon! Have a good day! :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am back with another chapter :) this one is a little shorter but I hope you enjoy it still!

With only ten hours into the journey, Clarke is already reminded of why she dislikes it so much. The way her thighs ache as they clench around the horse and by the way her fingers cramp from holding onto the reins, Clarke is reminded of exactly why she dislikes the trip so much.

The journey between Polis and Arkadia is far, almost too far, and this only reminds Clarke of why she felt so relieved once she finally reached her destination in Polis. When the large gates finally opened and Lexa was found waiting on the other side. Welcoming her with food and comfort, with clean clothes and a fresh bath. Now, she is doing it all over again, and for what? To return to her people who has done nothing but to blame Clarke for the hard choices? Who continues to attack the Grounders no matter how many times they’ve tried to make peace?

It is almost even as if Clarke is ashamed to return, to be honest she should have done it days ago. Yet, the feeling of comfort within the Capital, the feeling of Lexa’s safety is way too easy to get drawn to, and that is exactly what happened. Clarke got stuck in the beauty of Polis. 

“ Thinking about home? “

Clarke turns to find Tamari ride up close to her side. Her words mimicking the ones Clarke has heard before. They mimic the ones Lexa had so softly asked, and the reminder only clenches low in Clarke’s gut. It draws a sigh up from the depth of her lungs before she turns her gaze back to the road ahead of them. 

“ Thinking about whether Arkadia _ is _ home. “ 

Clarke exhales deeply by the reminder of the words. Oddly enough, they had meant just the same then as they do now. Maybe Arkadia has never felt like home. The camp at the drop ship was the first home that they had on the ground. It was the home that they built by themselves and with their bare hands. It was the home where everything changed, and _ everyone _ changed. It was where they all had to figure out and come face to face with who they actually are.

After that, Clarke has never really felt at home anywhere else. No place has felt at home in that way. Except now. Except for Polis. Still, the Capital is different. Clarke really does enjoy the place and all the people in it, yet she can’t help to think that the real reason it feels so at home, is only because it is Lexa’s home. It is where Lexa is, so maybe it is not Polis that feels like home, but rather _ she _ that does. 

“ Is it _ Heda? “ _

Clarke can feel the words like a punch to the gut. They startle her for a moment, and she is aware of the clear lump growing dry and heavy in the back of her throat. 

” You care for her. “ 

“ Is it that obvious? “ Clarke sighs, and Tamari smiles.

Even if Clarke is aware of how important it is that they keep what they have between them a secret, she can’t deny the tingle that sets in her abdomen or how the words makes her heart speed. Just for a moment she is reminded of what it would be like to actually have a real relationship with Lexa. It feels surreal yet so right. 

“ I have seen her care for you too. “ 

Clarke turns by the words. Eyes scanning over Tamari’s features, eagerly and curiously. Her heart speeds faster by each spoken word, it is almost painful it the uneven rhythm it finds and how it leaves her lungs feeling breathless.

The thought that Lexa cares enough for Clarke that others are even aware of it, sets a feeling in her chest that she's never been aware of. It feels complete and whole. 

“ She has not shown care like this since.. “ 

“ Costia? “ 

Tamari nods. 

“ Did you know her? “ 

“ I knew _ of _her. “ 

“ Besides, everyone knew. The Commander was different before her. “ 

Clarke can notice as Tamari swallows through the thickness in her throat, and how her hands tightens harder around the reins of the horse, unsure of if she told too much on behalf of her Commander. Yet, Clarke can’t help but to feel her heart sink by the last words of the sentence.

She knows that what Lexa had with Costia had been something special, she is aware of how her death must have made changes. Still she can’t help to think about how it changed Lexa, how she was before Costia’s death. 

“ Different how? “ 

“ _ Careless_. “ 

“ She used to be impulsive, _ daring_, although she has learned to control it. “ 

Clarke feels as the smile pulls at the corner of her lips by the thought. It is intriguing to imagine Lexa as impulsive and overall just more _ free. _She wishes she would’ve been around to see it, to see Lexa more free spirited, or just see her young and careless and living the life she deserves to live.

Although, just like everyone else, the life of war and battle has gotten the worst of her. It has impacted her just like it has to everyone else. It has left its marks on her body and sucked out the lustfulness and playfulness in her soul.

The few moments that Clarke has actually seen Lexa as more relaxed and at ease, the moments that she has actually seen the hidden smile cover her lips, they are rare, but maybe that is why it makes it so beautiful when she actually allows it. 

Clarke doesn’t need to say more for Tamari to understand what the words clearly meant for her. She can probably notice it in the way Clarke sinks back lower into the saddle by the way her body visibly relaxes, or by the way the smile still lingers on her lips while she tries to hide it by the tilt of her chin.

Clarke can’t even remember when the thought of Lexa and the softness hidden in her started to affect Clarke in the way it does. It is just something that she never expected to witness when she first met her. Lexa had seemed so ruthless and tough, that the softness and tenderness in her was something that Clarke never expected to find. And now each time she is reminded of it, she can’t help the smile that takes over or the way her heart skips a beat. 

Clarke is drawn out of her thoughts a moment later, once Tristan pulls a hand in the air as a motion to stop. He has been riding first, leading them on their way to Arkadia in a clear distance from Tamari and Clarke. Yet Clarke doesn’t mind. His presence isn’t doing much either way, and if Lexa now has sent him with them as part of his punishment and as a way to show loyalty, Clarke doesn’t mind how far ahead he rides. She has done this trip before, it is not something that she can’t do again. 

“ We should rest and get something to eat. “

Tristan throws one leg after the other off of the horse and onto the ground with a thud before he turns back to look at the other two.

The words are tempting, and so is the food that her stomach suddenly is craving and growling for. Maybe a short stop to just rest their bodies and get something to eat is necessary if they want to be able to continue in the same pace as before. 

“ Good idea. “ Clarke agrees before jumping off the horse herself. 

“ I can get the fire going if you and Tamari wants to..- “ 

“ Do all the hard work? “ Tristan cuts her off. 

Clarke exhales deeply by the words and can clearly hear Tamari doing the same from beside her. 

“ _ No mo. _ “ Tamari’s eyes stare sharp at Tristan, cutting through his body intimidating and protective.

Clarke is aware that not all Grounders are going to have respect for her or show her any politeness. Because she is Skaikru after all, and for some of them that is all that they are going to see her as. Some of them are only going to see her as part of the people that slaughtered theirs. Maybe that is fair, or maybe it isn’t but either way, it is something that Clarke has to get used to. 

“ I believe I saw a river further down, “ 

“ I am certain that we can get some fish if you set the fire ready, Clarke. “ 

Clarke looks over at Tamari, her voice low and gentle, and her eyes welcoming and warm. It calms the nerves that Tristan set in her body, and she soon feels her chin tilt down in a silent nod.

She stands still and watches while Tristan walks past her and follows Tamari down the path they just came from. If this is how it is going to be between them, then it is going to be a long journey back. 

  
  


___________

  
  
  


The darkness start to cover every corner of the forest as the sun sets between the mountains and the stars appear on the sky from above. It is beautiful in the way the night sky lays like a big duvet over them, and the moonlight being the only thing except the flickering fire that brings them light. Clarke enjoys the ground like this, dark and quiet, and free from war. 

Tamari and Tristan had managed to capture some fish from the river for them to put on the fire and eat. Tristan hadn’t seemed too keen on hunting for Clarke’s food for her and not letting her do it herself like they do, yet Tamari had insisted. Maybe in that way, it is good that they followed, because Clarke is aware that she is an awful hunter, and doing this herself would have only taken much longer. 

She pulls her knees up high to her chest to help her stay warm from where she’s sitting on the cold ground. It is slightly wet from the rain that has fallen and it leaves Clarke’s clothes dirty and drained with mud. Still, she is too tired to care.

The fire in front of them does very little to keep them warm as the wind travels through the forest and captures them. However, thanks to Tamari and Tristan, she is at least not hungry anymore. That is one thing, one good thing about all of this. One thing that can help her stay a little more positive while the mud-covered ground sneaks through the fabric of her pants and leaves her skin only colder. 

With a quick glance to her side, Clarke’s eyes travel over Tamari’s body. She doesn’t seem nearly as affected by the cold as Clarke feels and it is almost fascinating how little it seems to bother her. Instead, she only kneels in front of the fire while she’s putting more sticks into it to keep it alive and strong.

Clarke actually feels thankful that they came with her, _ even Tristan. _It doesn’t make the trip feel nearly as lonely, and they also help a lot with the basics of survival that she needs. They just know more about the place, they know more about the forest and where to get the best fish to eat, or where to find the best place to sleep. They have their secretive tips and methods about the forest and about how to survive that Clarke wouldn’t even think about herself. 

“ Still feeling cold? “ 

Clarke meets Tamari’s gaze as she stares back at her. With the way her body slightly shivers from the cold and by the way it almost makes her head hurt, it is as if Tamari can tell exactly what Clarke feels. 

“ Yes. “ Clarke breathes heavily, the exhale forming like a cloud of fog in the air around them. 

“ I don’t get how you do it. “ 

“ Do what? “ 

“ Seem so unbothered. Aren’t you cold? “ 

Tamari smiles before she scoots back from the fire to sit closer beside Clarke. 

“ Sure. “ 

“ Though, you burn more energy if you tense your body in the way you do. “ 

“ It will not help you get warmer, it will only make you feel colder. “ 

In this cold, not tensing her body is way easier said than done. By the way it sneaks to settle over every part of her body, even in under her skin, how can she not tense by the shiver it stirs? 

” You mentioned that you have a daughter. “ 

“ Is she also a hunter? “ 

Tamari shakes her head lightly, and smiles just barely. 

“ No. “ 

“ I am training her to become a warrior. “

“ You want her to become a warrior? “ 

Clarke can clearly see how the words gets to Tamari and makes her unease. She can tell by the way her back strengthens and her jaw clenches that it affects her. Yet, Clarke has always wondered why the Grounders train their children to become warriors, why not just let them be children when they have the chance? 

“ She is a_ natblida_, she does not have another choice. “

The words leave her mouth low and careful before Tamari tries to swallow through the thickness in her throat. Clarke can even feel it within herself by the new given information. Of course she is a nightblood, of course Tamari’s daughter is one of the chosen ones. 

“ I’m sorry. “ Clarke whispers, sincerely and genuine.

She can’t even imagine the pain of having a loved one who has no other choice than to fight in a battle of death, especially when she’s still a child. If it leaves a hole growing in Clarke’s chest, and if it makes Clarke’s breathing heavier and painful, she can’t even imagine how it must make Tamari feel. It is her own daughter. 

“ The only thing I can do is to train her to be strong enough to win it. “ 

“ How old is she? “ 

“ She recently passed the age of eight. “ 

Clarke nods slow and gentle, feeling as her chest tightens and her throat dries up. Her eyes travel over Tamari’s features with her heart speeding fast. She is already aware of how Lexa believes Aden will win. He is older and stronger, and has had more time to practice for the conclave. It is unfair in the way it works and the thought of it pains worse than a knife stabbed wound as Clarke lets the thought set. 

“ I will keep my hope with her. “ 

Tamari smiles painfully as her eyes lock with Clarke’s. The thankfulness spreads wide over her cheeks and covers every corner of her face. 

“ _ Thank you. _ “ 

  
  
  


___________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations 
> 
> no mo = no more/ enough
> 
> natblida = nightblood


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! I’m here with a short update of this story. I’ve had some stuff going on so I haven’t been able to write as much, which is why I haven’t updated my other fic and why these last two chapters are a little shorter. I will get back to it soon and I hope you don’t mind :) 
> 
> But enjoy!

  
Clarke’s back feels painfully sore once she finally stirs awake on the cold ground. The flickering fire and the whisper of the wind must have actually lulled her to sleep without her being aware of it.

Clarke is not even sure how much time they have lost of their journey, yet she is aware of how important it was to get back on time. The estimated time back to Arkadia from Polis is around three days, and with that, Clarke would only have one extra day before it was stated clear that she had to be out of Arkadia. The reason of it is still unknown, though all Clarke knows for sure is that it seemed important for Lexa that Clarke followed the plan. The seriousness lingering in the depth of Lexa’s eyes had made it all very clear. 

Clarke pulls her body to a sitting position with a groan leaving her lips. The mud that covers her clothes by the slightly wet-covered ground makes her pants only feel tighter around her legs.

She brings her hand up to rub the sleepiness out from her eyes. It is still dark outside, and her whole body feels half-dazed from just waking up. Her head feels painfully heavy and pulsing with pain, even her butt feels sore from the hard ground it sits on. 

The flickering fire is still going strong in the small fireplace that Clarke had set up for them. The light from the fire glows in the darkness of the forest, the light rises towards the sky yet soon fades into nothingness in the air above.

It is rather relaxing, and the vision of it calms the nerves in Clarke’s body. It makes the pounding of her heart less aggressive, and her breathing less ragged. She enjoys it this way.

Still, the reality soon hits and with a quick glance around, Clarke scans her surroundings. Tamari is found sleeping peacefully on the ground by the trunk of a large tree. Her hands gently placed under her head for support while she sleeps on her side. The long trip must have sucked the energy out of her too, and she seems in no rush to get back up on the horses.

Clarke is relieved to find Tamari this way. This calm, and still here. She doesn’t think that they would actually leave her in the woods by herself, especially not Tamari, and especially not since they have been ordered by Lexa to follow. However, as Clarke’s eyes scan the ground around her, she can’t seem to find Tristan anywhere close.

Maybe he’s wandered off to sleep somewhere else, somewhere away from Clarke, which wouldn’t be surprising. Or he’s may just walked off to get things ready before they take off again. Either way, his lack of presence sets a motion of nervousness growing deep in Clarke’s bones.

He’s been showing no trouble in his want to kill her before, and having him around without Tamari’s consciousness is a rather frightening thought. 

Clarke pulls her body up before she brushes the dirt from her pants. Having Tristan sneak up on her in an attempt to kill her, is not something that she feels like happening right now.

She reaches for the gun from the holster on her hip with her heart pounding inside her chest. She doesn’t grab it just yet, but rather just lets her fingers sweep over it to be ready if necessary. Just to be sure that it is actually still there.

Using her gun is not something that Clarke feels comfortable actually doing, she has been wanting to avoid it as much as possible. However, with Tristan around alone with Clarke while no one else is, she can not be fully sure of what will happen. 

“ Do you plan to do something with that? “ 

Clarke turns by the sudden words. With the lump growing hard and steady in the back of her throat, her eyes land back on Tristan.

The dark shadows contours the features in his face, and his eyes look pitch black from the dark. Still, the bruising around his eye is still clearly visible. 

“ Where have you been? “

Tristan sighs before he throws some new collected sticks onto the ground in front of Clarke. 

“ I am trying to keep the fire going so we do not freeze to death out here. “ 

“ You did not seem to complain when you were sleeping comfortably from the heat of it. “ 

Clarke exhales deeply. Maybe she overreacted, however she still doesn’t feel completely calm in the presence of him.

Her palms sweat as she holds by the gun on her hip, trying to not draw any unnecessary attention to it. 

“ I gave an answer to your question. “ 

“ Now answer mine . “ 

Clarke’s eyes travel between Tristan’s. There is something hidden it the darkness of them, still she can’t seem to see what. Maybe it is just her own ghosts that wants to see something that isn’t there, but after all, he did once hold a knife to her throat in an attempt to kill her. Who says he will not be willing to do it again? 

Clarke decides to let go of the gun, gentle and slow, and with her eyes locked with Tristan’s. The lump growing in her throat almost becomes more painful with each new breath, however she does her best to swallow through the thickness of it. 

“ No. “ Clarke whispers from under her breath. 

“ I don’t. “ 

There is no secret in the way Tristan keeps his eyes steady on Clarke. Perhaps he trusts her just as vaguely as she trusts him. However, they both have reasons to not trust the other. They have both done things, and they are both responsible.

Even if Clarke directly wasn’t part of the army that slaughtered Tristan’s people, she has been responsible of doing it before. Her hands are not any cleaner from Grounder blood than his is from the blood of hers. They both got blood on their hands, and they are both responsible for it. 

“ How long have we been asleep? “ 

Clarke watches as Tristan kneels by the fireplace before he throws some more sticks into the burning fire. The wood catches on fire in an instant and the smoke rises for the sky. 

“ Not long. Though, we should get going soon. “ 

Clarke’s chin tilts down in a small nod while her eyes remain rested on Tristan. A relieved cloud sets in her chest by the realization. At least they haven’t wasted too much time sleeping as Clarke first thought. Though, they still have a long way to go, and the road ahead of them won’t be any easier.

They still have a few clan villages to pass by, and Clarke is not sure how easy it will be for her to pass after everything that’s happened. She isn’t sure which villages her people have attacked, but Ton DC is only one of the few that is down the same path. 

“ Wake Tamari, I’ll get the horses ready. “ 

Tristan stares back in response before he exhales deeply and forces his body up from the fireplace.

Clarke can tell in the heavy sigh he releases and by the way he forcefully makes his way over to Tamari, with one leg dragging the other over the wet ground, that taking orders from Clarke is not something that he enjoys doing. However, it is not something that Clarke has time to pay any extra attention to. They need to get back before it is getting too late. 

  
  
  


____________

It is a slow process as Clarke rolls up the sleeves of her leather jacket, and the cold air soon embraces her skin. The hair on her arms slightly rises before it comes in contact with the freezing water in the creek. It runs near the waterfall, filled with water from rain of the sky, and relatively clean to drink.

Clarke kneels by the side of the creek, her hands meeting the cold water as she fills the water bottles with new water. She had promised to just leave to get the horses ready, but she figured that neither Tamari nor Tristan would mind some new water in their bottles, and the creek isn’t far away from the horses either way. 

Still, the water makes her fingers feel so sore that her teeth clench onto the bottom of her lip, making the slight taste of blood soon greet the surface of her tongue. Her muscles feels on the verge of cracking and crumbling, and Clarke is fast to remove her hands from the water as soon as all three bottles are completely filled.

She exhales deeply and grunts by the shiver that washes over her. There is nothing that she wishes for more in this moment than to be back in Polis, back with Lexa, back to the moment of watching her sleep while Clarke paid all attention of getting all details correct on the drawing in her lap. Why couldn’t she just have stayed in Polis? A part of her almost regrets not listening to Lexa. Maybe then she would find herself in a more comfortable environment, one warmer and more relaxing.

Though, it is not something that does her any good by thinking about now. All Clarke has to focus on right now is to return to Arkadia as fast as possible, because maybe then she will be back in Polis faster too. 

Clarke exhales deeply before she stands from the side of the creek and pulls at the sleeves on her jacket again. The cold wind that runs through the air grabs the strands of her short hair, the motion of it sends shivers down her spine and leaves goosebumps to cover her skin even from underneath the fabric of her clothes.

It is cold, and still dark out. Clarke is aware of how the ground turns much colder at night. She has been around long enough to actually experience it, and it is not a time that she usually would want to spend outside. She would rather spend it under the furs in her bed, _ or in Lexa’s bed_. Having the warm furs cover her skin while feeling the heat of Lexa’s body close to her own. Or really just feeling calm in the presence of Lexa, watching as Lexa reads while she spends her own attention drawing. Peaceful and calm. Far from what Clarke is feeling now. Far from what Clarke feels once she hears the shatter of sticks in the darkness among the trees.

The noise pulls at her attention in an instant and her eyes are quick to scan her surroundings. It is almost too dark to see anything and the forest goes back to silence.

Maybe Tristan has come to finish her off after all, taking the opportunity once she’s finally alone. 

Clarke carries the bottles under her arm, holding them close to her body before her hand reaches for the gun from the holster on her hip. Her mud-covered fingers sweep over the cold material while her heart throbs inside her chest, _ heavy and fast._

It is almost surprising that the beating can’t be heard from outside by how loud it pounds inside her body. 

‘’ _ Tristan? _ ‘’ She calls out, yet with no response.

It could have just been an animal, although Clarke figures that it is foolish to guess. Too many people wants to see her body lifeless for her to assume things in this moment. 

Instead she waits and watches, with her gut tightening painfully hard. Yet, with no further signs of movements or noises, she removes her fingers from the gun before running back down the path she came from. 

  
  
  


_______________

Clarke’s heart pounds hard and fast inside her chest, her mouth feels more dry the more breathless she becomes and by the lack of saliva that stirs. The water bottles starts to slowly slide from the grip under her arms, yet she has no time to stop.

She runs down the trail she knows leads back to the horses, back close to where she left Tristan and Tamari. She runs with her legs feeling numb by the cold that cramps at her muscles, and she runs with the wind blasting at her face with each new move. It pulls at the tears finding her eyes, and the skin on her face starts to feel almost painfully tight by the cold that settles over her flesh.

Maybe she is just wasting energy on something that shouldn’t be worth to spend energy on. It could might as well been a bunny or deer hiding in the darkness of the bushes, an animal that seeked comfort near the creek by the waterfall. An animal that just like Clarke, was thirsty and found shelter by the water.

Clarke is pulled from her thoughts the moment an arm grabs by hers and pulls her down behind the bushes. A warm hand finds its place over her mouth, keeping Clarke from being able to let any words out, keeping Clarke from being able to _ scream_. 

A large body is pressed firmly behind her own. It is warm and holds her in a steady embrace. The hair from the beard tickles the skin on Clarke’s cheeks, and all she can do is to sit still while her heart throbs inside her chest.

A frightening panic sets in every bone in her body, yet with a quick glance down, Clarke recognizes the patterns on the black gloves. _ Tristan. _

Tristan holds her still and steady close to his own body as they both kneel on the ground. His actions doesn’t seem in the mind to kill her, but rather to _ save her_. Save her from whatever is out there. Because when her eyes travel with panic, only to find Tamari sneak up beside them with a finger over her own mouth in a motion to hush her, Clarke knows for sure that they’re being followed. By whom is unclear, but by the way they are all hiding, it is not by someone or _ something _good. 

  
  
  


_________________

‘’ What was that? ‘’ 

Clarke pants once she is finally released from Tristan’s grip. Still feeling breathless, she breathes heavily while her eyes travel eagerly between the two Grounders in front of her. 

After spending minutes in complete silence, just waiting and watching patiently in the darkness behind a large bush while feeling her heart only start pounding harder, they had now managed to sneak out from the bushes and return back to the horses. 

‘’ Skaikru? ‘’ Tamari asks, and Tristan shakes his head. 

‘’_ Azgeda_. ‘’

Tristan’s voice is low and husky. The mention of the name sets a feeling of fright in motion deep in Clarke’s gut.

Have they heard of Clarke’s return to Arkadia? And what do they want either way? The last time Clarke checked there was no bigger problem with the Ice Nation. They haven’t had anything bad between them since their gift to Clarke of the last mountain man. Of _ Emerson_.

After that it’s been calm between her and the ice clan,, _ unless _.. Unless Azgeda is another one of Skaikru’s victims. Another village that Skaikru have slaughtered.

Clarke places a hand over her heart in an attempt to get the control back of her breathing. Her lungs searches in panic for clear air while her mouth hangs open to ease it. 

“ You okay? “ 

Tamari walks up close to her side, and with a light touch of her hand on Clarke’s shoulder, Clarke looks back at her. 

“ Did you see anything? “ 

“ No. “ Clarke’s shakes her head and exhales deeply before she turns her eyes back at Tristan. Watching as he places the new filled water bottles in the bags on the horses. 

“ What did they want? “ She asks, and Tristan sighs. 

“ _ You. “ _

He throws his own body heavily up on one of the horses before he turns his gaze back to meet Clarke’s eyes. 

“ We need to leave before they return. “ 

Clarke can tell by the sharpness low in his husky voice that he is serious in his statement. They need to get going before Ice Nation returns, and before they find Clarke.

She is not even sure what they will do to her if they would actually find her. _ Torture her? Cut her head off? _ The options are several and Clarke doesn’t feel like staying around long enough to find out.

She reaches for the reins of her own horse before getting up on the back of it. Arkadia is approximately two days away, maybe even a little further, and the land they find themselves on now is far from safe. At least for Clarke. Too many eyes are on her, it is way too risky for her to be out in the open landscapes far from both Arkadia and Polis.

Even if Tristan and Tamari are with her, will they really be able to protect her from the other clans? And does Clarke really want them to sacrifice their lives for her?

Maybe Lexa did wrong by sending them with her. Maybe Clarke should have made the trip herself, because at least then she wouldn’t feel the same guilt that she can feel settle in her chest in this moment. 

With a large exhale, Clarke tightens her fingers around the reins of the horse while her eyes return their attention to the other Grounders. 

“ Let’s go then. There is no time to waste. “ 

  
  
  


______________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations 
> 
> azgeda = ice nation


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I am so sorry for the long wait for this chapter. I've had a lot going on and stayed off social media for a bit, this chapter is not very long either but I am hoping to post the longer ones soon again! I hope you still enjoy it and I hope you won't have to wait as long for the next update :) 
> 
> also please let me know what you think of the chapters, what you like or what you dislike because it really gives me motivation to continue with the next one :)

With each new step she takes down the mud-covered path of the forest, Clarke’s longing to reach her destination only increases. She has spent way too much time on the back of her horse and every muscle in her body starts to protest by the soreness that occurs. Her thighs feels on the verge of cramping and the pain she feels reach her fingers from the cold air starts to become almost unbearable. 

They have spent almost three days in the forest, they are too far now to return back to Polis. Thankfully, they should be reaching their destination by the border at any time now.

Lexa had made it clear that neither Tristan nor Tamari are allowed to go any further than that, not further than the river that separates the Grounder’s land from Skaikru’s. Though, Clarke doesn’t mind. As soon as she’s in reach of the right side of the border, she should be safe enough to make the rest of the journey herself. Besides, the road from the river and back to camp should not be longer than an hour either way. And the pulsing pain that sets in her head from the way she keeps tensing her body by the cold that reaches her, Clarke is thankful that it’s not any longer than that.

She is not sure how much longer she can handle the cold of the forest, or how much longer her body can handle sitting still with her legs around the horse.

Her lips are dry as she tugs at them, dry to the point that it almost becomes painful and the blood taste start to linger upon them. 

“ Tired, _ sky girl? “ _

Clarke looks up by Tristan’s words, only to meet his teasing eyes and the smirk on his lips.

“ I just hope we’re there soon. “ 

“ We will be. “ Tamari assures, before a smile tugs at her lips.

Her words are comforting and calming, and the energy balances out perfectly between the three.

Clarke is not sure how she would have handled this trip without Tamari’s consoling presence, or even without Tristan’s encouraging spirit. Maybe Lexa did right by sending them with her after all, knowing exactly what Clarke needed on her journey. Because as much as she distrusts Tristan, there is no denying that he has been rather,, _ helpful _ and somehow manage to bring out the stubbornness in Clarke. And truth be told, Clarke would not have been strong enough physically or mentally without it. 

“ Why do you think Ice Nation is after me? “ Clarke asks by the reminder that sets in her mind.

She can’t seem to let go of the thought, of the _ feeling _ she felt spread wide in her chest with Tristan’s arms around her and with her heart pounding in fear. Are they still being followed?

“ It is hard to know, _ dear _. “ 

“ Not exactly. “ Tristan cuts them off.

He turn his gaze back to look at Clarke and Tamari from where he rides just barely in front of them. The look in his eyes is intimidating and clear, and Clarke knows exactly what he means by the next words that sneaks through. 

“ You are _ Skaikru. “ _

The words screams from the deepest recesses of her mind as they get to her, because they are true. No matter how much Clarke wants to deny it or run from it. She is _ Skaikru, _ and just that is enough of a reason.

Her people have caused too much pain to be accepted by the Grounders. From the moment they stepped onto the surface of Earth. They have killed, tortured and harmed. Clarke has watched people become the worst versions of themselves, she has let herself become the worst version of _ herself_.

She has watched them try to justify it by painting it up to how they are not any different than anyone else. Hearing as they have been telling themselves that - _ everyone kills, it is part of nature - , _ though it isn’t.

While being on the ground, and while seeing things from a different perspective, Clarke has come to realize that all the Grounders ever did was trying to protect themselves. Trying to protect themselves from the strangers that fell from the sky.

The delinquents had fallen into the Grounder’s territory, yet acting like they owned the land. Still, they didn’t know any better. Only, they _ did know better _once they captured Lincoln and tortured him. They did know better when they slaughtered the warriors that was sent to protect them. Clarke knew better when she slit a man's throat and stared straight into his eyes as she watched him greet the light of death. Did they really deserve forgiveness and redemption after all that? Even Clarke is not sure. 

The familiar words of what Lincoln once told her sets a spin in her mind, making the words dig deeper into her brain while her heart speeds up in pace. “ _ We’ve all got a monster inside of us, Clarke. And we are all responsible for what it does when we let it out. “ _

Clarke hadn’t known as clear then as she does now what the words truly mean. Now she has seen the horrific truth of terror and death to understand exactly how this world can change people into monsters. Exactly how the wars can shape them into becoming someone or something they never thought was possible. Clarke knows it, she has even seen herself become it. 

_ Wanheda _ \- Commander of death - ,, the name settling like a burning fire to her bones while it kills her from inside and out. They are _ all monsters_, only some worse than others. 

  
  


_______________

It takes just a few more hours down the same wet-streaked path of the forest for them to finally reach their destination by the river.

The low sunlight reflects onto the surface of the water, making the river glow as the sun rises behind it. It is rather beautiful and the vision sets a spreading calm to cover every inch of Clarke’s body. _ Finally. _

Her shoulders doesn’t feel nearly as tense once she finally relaxes by the sight, and her hands slowly loosens their grip of the reins.

Thinking about _ when _ she would reach her destination by the border, is the only thing that has been spinning like a broken record in Clarke’s brain for the past couple of hours. Or maybe even for the last couple of days. Her body has been starting to feel way too sore to spend more time on the back of her muscular horse and her hands too cold to be able to hold onto it. Every muscle in her body has started to cramp, hard and painful by the shivering cold. Still, Clarke can’t deny the way her heart painfully drops by the sight.

She’s here. Far from Polis, far from Lexa, and close to home. _ Home. _ It is weird in the way Arkadia, has over the past couple of months, started to feel less like home than the way the Capital has started to feel like it. This doesn’t feel like coming home in the same way it had done to ride into the gates of Polis. Here, all that awaits her are the chaos and the fights. Here, people waits whom Clarke has been trying to avoid.

Looking into the depth of Jasper’s eyes after what Clarke had done to Maya at Mount Weather, is something that Clarke always will have a hard time to face. He will never forgive her for what she did, although Clarke doesn’t blame him. She wouldn’t forgive herself either, she _ hasn’t _ forgiven herself. 

Clarke sighs before she closes her eyes. Letting the feeling of the forest capture her body, letting the thoughts ease in her mind. 

‘’ Ready, _ sky princess?_ ‘’

Clarke opens her eyes before they land back on Tristan.

It’s been long since the nickname has been heard. Still, it leaves a stinging ache set between her ribs from the meaning it holds. The person she used to be then, feels far from the person she finds herself being _ now_.

But at least someone is happy for her return back to Arkadia. Back to the right side of where he thinks she belongs. Yet, Clarke can’t find the strength to protest, returning had been her idea even though she didn’t stand much of a choice. She _ has _to do this, still Clarke is not even sure she can. 

‘’ _ Azgeda _will not cross the border. You will be safe behind the river. ‘’ Tamari assures, and Clarke nods calmly.

The thought of the Ice Nation coming after her had not even crossed her mind until now. Still, she knows that Tamari’s words are true. Not any Grounder would be dumb enough to cross the border and enter the land that belongs to Skaikru, not after what they’ve done. Not even the most foolish of a warrior would do something so thoughtless. 

‘’ Will you be able to find your way from here on? ‘’ Tamari asks, and Clarke nods. 

‘’ Yes. ‘’ 

‘’ _ Thank you. _ ‘’ 

Clarke has done the long trip from Arkadia to Polis before, the short journey that awaits her now is nothing in comparison. She will be fine on her own from here.

Still, Clarke is clearly aware of the growing mass of dread that rises inside of her. A part of her wishing to return back to Polis, yet the rest of her knows that she can’t no matter how much she wishes. She turns to face Tamari and Tristan for one final look. 

‘’ I hope we will meet again, _ Clarke Kom Skaikru. _ ‘’ Tamari’s words are low and soothing as they set to embrace the tightness in Clarke’s chest.

Her chin tilts down in a small nod while a smile forces to cover the corners of her lips in a painful smile. Saying goodbye suddenly feels harder than Clarke first thought it would. 

‘’ _ I hope so._ ‘’ 

  
  


_________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations 
> 
> azgeda = ice nation
> 
> skaikru = sky people


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i’m back with another chapter! hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think :)

A tingling feeling sets in motion low in Clarke’s gut as the large fence becomes more clear in sight and the tall gates start to hover from above. It is not the same kind of tingling she had felt when she returned to Polis. No, this feeling is more gut wrenching and unsteady. Clarke doesn’t enjoy the way it makes her fingers slightly shiver around the reins or how it makes her mouth dry up. Coming home is supposed to be relieving and calming. Though, that is far from what she feels in this moment. In this moment, she is not on a mind journey through galaxies, watching the low sunlight glow through the cracks in a large old building while her heart is too occupied with the attention on the sleeping beauty in her bed. In this moment she is not lulled to sleep simply because of a consoling touch of a hand, or drowning in the depth of eyes painted green by the color of the forest. In this moment, her mind is locked in present, banging on a prison cage in a desperate want to get out. That is what Clarke is feeling right now, _ trapped. _ Unable to return no matter how much her body is screaming for it. She has to fight the growing urge of turning back and catch up with Tamari and Tristan, follow them back on their journey to Polis. It is a fight between duty and desire. A battle between the _ heart and the head. _

Clarke exhales deeply, the breath forming like a cloud of fog in the air above, before she smacks her thighs tighter around the horse and continues forward. The guard just by the gate is the first one to be aware of Clarke’s presence, and his gun is steady in his hands and aimed for Clarke the moment she comes closer. Maybe she shouldn’t be surprised that it is the first welcome she gets by returning home, a gun aimed for her head. Her people have been known to use them recently, after all. Yet instead, she raises her hands and stops right in front of the closed fence-gate. 

‘’ Lower your weapon! “ a voice is soon heard from within, a voice too familiar to not be recognized. It is strict and demanding, and Clarke’s heart slows down the moment her eyes locks on her mother walking through. 

Clarke has been gone from Arkadia for over a week and before she last left, her mother had not been on Pike’s good side. So watching her now, walking up close to the entrance and ordering the guard to open the gates, watching her being okay, calms the speeding of Clarke’s heart and makes her relax just slightly. To be honest, with her mother’s strong opinions and stubbornness, Clarke had feared what might could’ve happened to her while she was gone. While she was with Lexa in Polis. The stubbornness is one thing that Clarke has gotten from her mother, and sometimes it is not something useful or positive. Sometimes it can rather put them in difficult situations, and Clarke had feared that something like that might could’ve happened to her mother while she was gone. 

‘’ _ Clarke. ‘’ _ Her mother breathes while walking up close to her side once the gates are fully open. She is fast to get a grip of the horse, and her eyes travel fast over Clarke’s body in a desperate check for injuries and to make sure that she is okay. Clarke appreciates the concern, though they do not have time to waste. The sun has just risen and before it sets, they need to be out of camp, out of Arkadia and on their way to Luna. They need to follow Lexa’s plan, whatever that now may be. Clarke is not even sure herself of what comes next, but she needs to do this, needs to trust that Lexa knows best. 

Clarke throws one leg over the other and slides gently down from the back of the horse. Her mother is fast to get a grip of her arms, and Clarke barely has time to react before Abby pulls her in for a loving hug. Her mother’s arms tight around Clarke’s body in a steady embrace. Still, all Clarke can do is to exhale deeply, letting her mother have this moment of comfort, letting her mother know that she is _ here, _that she is back and she is okay. And with that, Clarke finds her own hands travel around Abby’s back, holding her close while she breathes deeply. There is always something special by the comfort of a mother’s embrace. It is consoling and soothing. It is calming and relaxing. It feels like home in a different way than anything else does. It is all she needs in this moment of chaos. 

Clarke can feel her mother breathe deeply against her own body, feeling her raising chest in a heavy rhythm against her own, and Clarke figures that she has probably only spent this last week in worry. Worry for Clarke and her safety. Worry for her while she is in a place where Abby has no chance to protect her. Still, Clarke has felt safer than ever. She _ has been _safe, because she’s been with Lexa, and nothing feels safer than the presence of her. 

Abby pulls away just slightly, only to bring her hands up to rest gently onto Clarke’s cheeks, _ cupping them _, with her touch warm and consoling, and her eyes full of worry hidden in them as they stare between Clarke’s. 

“ It’s good to see you. “ She breathes, and Clarke nods. A smile sneaking almost forcefully to the corner of her lips. _ It is _ good to see her mother too, it is good to feel her presence. Because that is how it will always feel in the presence of a mother, right? However,, Clarke can’t help but to feel the weightening ache set over her shoulders by the surroundings she finds herself in. It almost feels surreal to be back. It weighs her down in a way Clarke didn’t think it would, but glancing around, all Clarke can find is sorrow and blame. Judgement and anger. Standing inside the gates of Arkadia, doesn’t feel relaxing or like coming home in the least. It only feels like returning to a place that her mind has been running from both mentally, _ and recently physically too, _because that is exactly what it is. This is not the place for her, and the more time that Clarke spends away from camp, the more she starts to believe it. Because there are moments in life where she can find herself in crossroads, and this is one of those moments. 

“ We need to talk. “ Clarke breathes, husky and low as she pulls her mother’s arms away from her cheeks. She still feels breathless and sore from the long trip from Polis, still Clarke has no time to settle down. She needs to inform the others of her plan, at least as many as she can. 

“ _ You, _ need to rest. “ 

“ Mom. “ 

“ _ Clarke _. “ 

Clarke sighs. Her mother has always been stubborn and acting like she knows best. Maybe that is just a mother’s duty, however Clarke does not have time for it in this moment. 

“ You just got back, just take some time and we can talk later. “ 

To be honest, the soreness Clarke can feel only grow more painful in every muscle almost wants to listen to her mother’s words. Just take a moment to sit down, maybe change into something more comfortable and into something that is not drained with mud and water. After all, she is right. Is has been a long trip and Clarke feels exhausted. Yet, she has no idea how much time she can spare, how long until Azgeda strikes and they stand on the edge of a war. 

  
  
  


______________

Each step, feeling just as heavy as the muscles cramp from the soreness that occurs, echoes through the walls as Clarke makes her way down the hallway. She figured that taking a little break just to return to her old room and get a change of clothing probably wouldn’t hurt. Her pants feels glued to her skin by how damp they are, and her hands are covered with dirt and mud, sticking to under her fingernails from spending several days in the deep forest. Getting cleaned up and changed is not going to take too much of their time, and if they are taking off to see Luna, then Clarke wouldn’t want to show up covered in dirt and sweat either way. 

She can feel the paper from the map Lexa had given her on the inside of the pocket on her leather jacket. And her heart speeds up fast and unsteady as her fingers trace over the material and the thoughts begin to spin in her mind. According to Lexa’s plan, they are supposed to find Luna and convince her to let them join her clan. Because Luna’s clan is part of the coalition, ruled by Lexa. That way, the good of her people will be safe, and Clarke will be able to be with Lexa. Maybe not fully and openly, but at least more than she can be now. Now she can not be with Lexa without the risk of getting a knife to her throat, or worse, endangering Lexa’s life. However, Clarke is not even sure if her people are going to agree with this, or how easy it is going to be to even get them to follow. But Clarke _ needs _them to, she really needs them to, because she can’t see this working out in a better way. It is either that or war between the Grounders and her own people. And she can not let that happen. 

A heavy sigh is released from the depth of her throat before her eyes spots something in the medical room she just passed. Curiously she stops in her step, hiding behind the door that is just slightly open as she looks into the gap to be able to get a better view. It is Lincoln. Eager eyes start to travel over his body, watching him closely as he gets something from the top shelf before putting it in the pockets on his pants. It seems to be some sort of pills and bandages, still Clarke is not sure. The hiding spot is not ideal and does not give her much room to get a fair view. But whatever it was, Lincoln did take it with him. 

Clarke swallows through the thickness that starts to occur in the back of her throat as she keeps her eyes locked on Lincoln. She knows that stealing from medical has a rather painful punishment. On the ark it used to be punished with death, and several people had been floated for it. Lincoln has been around long enough to understand that it is punishable, he has to understand it at this point. At least Clarke hopes to god that he does. He should know better. 

Although it is only when Clarke starts to rely a little too much on the door, and starts to put a bit more weight onto it, that she starts to draw attention to herself as the door suddenly opens with a light squeaking. Her body had pressed too hard onto it and Lincoln notices in an instant. 

“ Oh uh, sorry I didn’t mean to.. “ Clarke starts, but it already feels useless. He knows that she was watching him, he knows what she saw. 

“ You are back. “ He observes after clearing his throat, and Clarke nods. Taking a few steps into the room with her heart pounding inside her chest. Clarke can’t help but let her eyes travel to the side pocket of Lincoln’s pants. Wondering about the medicine he’s clearly hiding. 

“ I just got here. “ 

Lincoln nods, and Clarke blinks her eyes back to present. With a heavy exhale, Clarke turns to close the door behind them, leaving them alone in the cold medical room. Whatever Lincoln is doing, Clarke can not let him be caught with something bad now. Now when they are so close to get out of here. 

She turns to face him again, only to find the confused expression spread wide over his features. 

“ What is that, Lincoln? “ the words comes out in a heavy sigh as Clarke takes yet another step forward. She nods towards the side of his pants and can notice him shift uncomfortable in his step, shifting the weight from one foot to the other. 

“ _ Clarke _. “ he breathes, and her brows furrows, making the wrinkles in between just slightly appear. 

“ Just tell me. “ 

“ It is not what you think. “ 

“ Then what is it? “ she tries again, walking even closer to him. Watching as he draws a breath to his lungs before he exhales again. His eyes travel between Clarke’s, the darkness in them lingering into the blue of hers. 

“ Octavia and I are taking off. “ 

“ What? “

Clarke raises her chin, while the words settles into her skin. _ Why? _

“ It is no longer safe for me here, Clarke. “ 

She stays silent, listening to the words that reaches her ears. Though, she understands. With all the judgment that her people have against the Grounders, there is no surprising in how it affects Lincoln. They will never see him as one of them, they will never see him as Skaikru, just as the Grounders will never see Clarke as one of them. They are both similar in that way. In wanting to belong somewhere they never will no matter how hard they fight for it.

“ Where are you gonna go? “ 

His shoulders shrug before a sigh leaves his lips. 

“ I don’t know. _ Far _. “ 

“ We will go somewhere where we are free from this, and where we both are safe. “ 

Lincoln glances up towards the shelf on the wall, and Clarke’s gaze immediately follows. 

“ We need the supplies, please do not tell anybody about this. “ 

Their eyes lock, and Clarke can clearly see the worry lingering deep hidden in them. They are all just trying their best, all just trying to get by another day and survive. As much of a crime it is to steal medicine, Clarke would be foolish to tell. They can not take that risk in this moment, and Clarke understands Lincoln’s actions, and Clarke can sympathize with them. He just want to keep his life with Octavia safe. Clarke can not have the heart to throw that away, _ she won’t. _Instead, she shakes her head and lowers her chin. 

“ I won’t. “ 

Lincoln nods thankfully, before his eyes meet the floor between them. Still, Clarke would not have the heart to tell anybody, not now when they are so close. Maybe Lincoln’s actions is rather helpful as they are all making their way out of camp. Maybe they should pack up with supplies before they leave. To be honest, Clarke has no idea what awaits her at Luna’s village. Maybe they do need these medications. With each thought spinning faster in her mind, Clarke can barely even concentrate on what matters. Lincoln and Octavia will not have to take off on their own, because according to plan, they should all take off either way. Octavia and Lincoln are supposed to follow on the journey to Luna, and Lincoln is supposed to show them the way. 

“ Wait. “ Clarke whispers from under her breath, and Lincoln looks up. 

“ Find the others and meet me here in fifteen minutes. “ 

“ Why? “

Clarke turns to open the door and is halfway out before she turns back to get a final look at Lincoln. 

“ I’ll explain then. “ 

  
  


______________

The dirt from the forest feels almost glued to her skin once Clarke tries to scrub it from her hands. It sneaks to settle in under her fingernails and almost becomes impossible to wash off. Clarke doubts if she should even spend time in trying to take it off. She only have until sundown to convince the others of her plan and get them out of Arkadia. She is not even completely sure how to do it, and the thought about them resisting this idea actually scares her. Especially considering how much it has come to mean for Clarke. Because if they can do this, then maybe she can finally be free. Free from the duties of looking after her people. Free from making all the hard choices only to get the blame for them in the end. This may be Clarke’s only way out. 

Clarke sighs before throwing the wet cloth back into the sink again. It feels useless to waste time in only trying to get the dirt off her skin, at least she managed to change out of her soaked clothes and into something that doesn’t feel stuck to her skin or makes the hair on her legs rise. They have more important things to discuss and handle either way. The dirt under her fingernails is the least of their problems and can wait until later. Still, Clarke holds onto the desk in her room. The weight of her body resting into the palms of her hands with her head hanging down, almost wishing that she has more time to spare. More time to spare for herself so that she can just take a moment to breathe, just _ breathe. _Because to be honest, Clarke hasn’t felt able to ever since she left Polis. Her lungs have been full, almost in a desperate need of holding her breath ever since she left the walls of the Capital. This is the first moment that she is alone. Just her own self and the ghosts in her mind. The loud voices that does not want to shut up no matter how much Clarke is trying to silence them. 

“ I was told you were back. “ 

Clarke turns, finding Octavia in the gap of her bedroom door. 

“ I wasn’t sure you’d come. “ 

Clarke sighs, before pushing herself away from the desk, standing with both feet steady on the floor underneath as her eyes lock with green. She is well aware of how they have waited for her, how Clarke spent more time than necessary in Polis. How Clarke should have returned sooner. Yet, she had not found the strength in her to do so. Polis had been too captivating and almost impossible to walk away from. 

“ I promised I would. “ she speaks, low and gentle. 

Yet Octavia shrug her shoulders with a huff leaving her lips, and it only takes a moment close to a second before she walks further into the room. 

“ Did you talk to Lexa? “ 

Clarke nods. 

“ Yes. “ 

“ _ And_? “ 

The brows arches high on Octavia’s forehead while her eyes start staring down into the depth of Clarke’s own. And that is all it takes for Clarke to be reminded of why she had come to enjoy the time in Polis so much. Because then, she did not have to deal with all of this. Then, she did not have to feel the same kind of weightening ache set in her chest that she can feel occur by Octavia’s stare in this moment. It is heavy and unsteady and Clarke had almost forgotten how bad it drags her down. 

“ She didn’t say much. “ 

Octavia sighs, heavily before her eyes look away. It is all it takes for Clarke to feel the disappointment grow in Octavia’s bones. It is all it takes for Clarke to feel the disappointment travel to herself, carving itself to the bottom of her core. 

“ Clarke,,” 

“ You stayed in Polis for over a week and she said nothing? “ 

This time it is Clarke’s turn to sigh. It wasn’t like the war and battle plans had been all that they talked about while she was gone. Maybe Octavia thought that it should have been but Clarke is well aware of how easy it is for other things to get in the way. And maybe in some way she purposely let them. On some levels and in some moments. 

“ All she said is that we need to find Luna’s clan.” 

“ What? “ 

Clarke sucks in a sharp intake of breath before she exhales deeply. 

“ Something is about to happen and Lexa doesn’t want us here when it does. “ 

  
  
  
  


_______________


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i am back with a new chapter! hope you enjoy :)

For ten days time, Clarke had prepared for this. Or considering how long Pike has been in control, it probably counts as much longer than that. The thoughts and late nights plannings that Clarke had shared with both Kane and Octavia, now was about to be presented among the others with the plan Lexa had given them. Find Luna, convince her to let them in. Stay far from Arkadia, far from Pike and never return. Was that really what it had come to? More people start to walk around in fear each day, fear for how far Pike is willing to go if they disagree with him. Fear for how many more people are going to be locked up or killed. As Lincoln had told her, camp is only getting more unsafe each day. Especially for the ones with Grounder blood. It is only a matter of time before Pike finds a reason to execute them all. One wrong step and they are all gone.

Clarke sighs, and shifts in her position from where she stands in the middle of the room. She had ordered for Lincoln and Octavia to inform the others and meet her in the medical bay as soon as possible. It is time that they are all informed about the plans, so that they are ready to leave before sunset. Before Lexa had made it clear that they are not to be seen near the camp of Arkadia. 

The door that opens next pulls at Clarke’s attention in an instant. Watching as Octavia walks first with Lincoln and the others right behind, sets her lungs to breathe more heavily and her gut to tighten. _ It is time. _With eager eyes, Clarke scans each one walking through the door, making sure that no one who is not by their side is invited. If Pike or any of his guards are aware of this meeting, they will do whatever they can to stop it. 

‘’ Look who's back. ‘’ Raven’s voice spreads among the people from where she is walking behind the taller ones walking first. Yet the teasing in her voice is too familiar to go unnoticed and soon enough the friendly face is seen among the sea of people that was shielding her from Clarke’s sight. They all make sure to take their place in the room, forming a circle as they stand close to each other’s sides. Abby_ , Kane, Monty… Jasper,, _all familiar faces gathers in the room, some seeming more happy than others to be there. Clarke can’t help but let her eyes lock on Jasper, watching as his eyes travel over the room, wanting to land on anything but back on Clarke. It is understable in the way Jasper ignores her, he has been ever since Mount Weather. The tragedy that made their friendship come to an end. 

‘’ It is good to have you back, Clarke. ‘’ 

At that, Clarke glances to her side. Her eyes locking with Kane’s while the corner of her lips pulls in a fading smile. The room is crowded, all attention back on Clarke as the silence sweeps in and her heart speeds up. The sweat start to sneak through the skin in the palms of her hands, before she clasp them together in a firm lock in front of her body. What she would do to have Lexa beside her in this moment. The plan seeming unexpectedly more uncertain now than it did two hours before. Clarke is not even sure about this herself, how will she be able to convince the others of it?

  
‘’ Is everyone here? ‘’ Clarke breathes, before eyes travel over the crowded room of people. 

‘’ Everyone who should be. ‘’ Kane assures, and Clarke nods. 

‘’ What are we doing here, Clarke? ‘’ 

Her eyes land back on Jasper, watching as he shifts his weight from one foot to the other, and Clarke can clearly see the restlessness grow stronger in his legs. It is all it takes for Clarke to suck in a sharp breath and continue with her words.

‘’ Pike has gotten too far, it’s time we stop it. ‘’ 

‘’ And how will we do that? ‘’ 

Clarke’s eyes locks with Abby’s. The question leaving her lips from the same thought everyone else in the room are thinking. They all share it. _ What will it take to end this? _How far will they have to go to stop the war that is about to happen? Clarke pulls a breath to her lungs before she exhales deeply, and unfolds the map Lexa had given her from the pocket on her pants. 

‘’ There’s a clan by the sea. ‘’ 

‘’_ Floukru. ‘’ _Lincoln fills in, and Clarke nods. She pulls the map in front of her body, making sure everyone gets a fair view over the land of the forest. 

‘’ Their leader, Luna.. is known for taking in outcasts. ‘’ Clarke pauses, taking the moment to get a vision of the changes in everyone’s expression. Looking for the slight bit of hesitation, though when she finds none, she continues. 

‘’ We are leaving, to join her clan by the sea. ‘’ 

‘’ No. ‘’ Lincoln interrupts, making everyone’s attention immediately turn to him. They watch in sync as he stands with his arms folded in front of his body and the features in his face are stone cold. If anyone were to disagree with the plan, Clarke had least expected it coming from Lincoln. As far as she is aware, Luna is his friend. He was the one to first inform them of Luna’s existence. 

‘’ What do you mean no, Lincoln? ‘’ Octavia asks, seeming just as taken by the resistance. 

‘’ Luna does not want to be found ‘’ Lincoln pauses, taking a moment to breathe before he starts again.

‘’ She is hiding for a reason. ‘’

‘’ This is Lexa’s orders. ‘’ Clarke reassures in a firm reminder. 

‘’ Lexa has not talked to Luna for years. ‘’

Clarke stops, letting the words embrace her body. Letting them hit the bottom of her chest in an unfamiliar ache. She is aware of how Lexa hasn’t talked about Luna before, in fact, her name has not come up once in Lexa’s conversations. Yet still, it is what Lexa ordered. She must know Luna enough to be sure that she would fulfill the plan. However, a light laugh distracts the heavily thoughts a moment later. The sound pulling at everyone’s attention before they turn to Jasper. Watching as he seems more unbothered by the conversation than the realization that if they do not do anything, they all risk getting killed. 

‘’ Is this funny to you, Jasper? ‘’ Clarke asks, feeling more exasperated by each ongoing moment. 

‘’ Yeah, a bit. ‘’ 

‘’ Listen, we _ have _ to do this if we don’t want to get killed. ‘’ The words draws a sigh to leave from the depth of his throat, and as Clarke scans the room she notices all the hesitant changes in the features on each person around her. She can tell that they are all uncertain about the plan. 

‘’ Clarke, even if we do agree to go, there are still too many of us. “ 

‘’ Luna won’t take us in. “ Lincoln explains. His voice calm and slow as he explains the way, the facts. Truth is, he does know Luna better than probably anyone else. 

“ We have to try. “ Clarke sighs. Feeling the weight of the mountains embrace her chest, settling over her shoulders as she carries the duty of her people. The safety of them.

‘’ So you want us to join the boat clan? To follow Luna? ‘’ Abby asks, and Clarke immediately turns her attention to her mother. 

‘’ Technically we would be following Lexa, but yes.‘’ 

A loud chattering soon spreads in the air among them, whispers traveling between each other as the facts spreads. Shamefully, Lexa does not have a high amount of respect in Skaikru’s land. Her name and title is not as cherished as it is by the Grounders. Not after Lexa betrayed them at the mountain, not after she set the border and came out with a kill order on every sky person. It is unfortunate and Clarke can’t help but be aware of the way her heart sinks by the thought of it. How her people does not see her in the same way that she does. How they don’t accept her or respect her in the way Clarke believes she deserves. Sure, she has done horrible things, but who has the right to blame? They all have their demons, and they all have to take responsibility for the things they have done. Not one of them walks around with their hands fully cleaned. 

‘’ No way. ‘’ 

‘’ I’m not going. ‘’ Abby stares blank in front of her and the words immediately startles Clarke before she turn her gaze back over at her mother. 

‘’ Mom. ‘’ 

Their eyes lock, and Clarke can tell how the plan is not ideal, how her mother doesn’t agree. She’s always had a way of seeming to disagree with every plan Clarke has. Of everything that somehow involves the Grounders. 

‘’ Abby come on, Clarke knows more about this than we do. “

Kane pauses, his eyes scanning over the features in Abby’s face. At least he seems more onboard with the idea than her mother does. 

“ Maybe this is our only chance. ‘’ 

‘’ It is. ‘’ Clarke assures and Abby sighs.

‘’ Arkadia is home. I’m staying here. ‘’ 

And with that, Abby leaves the room. She pushes through the shield of people to get to the door, setting a clear ending to the conversation and in letting the others know that she is not going. And apparently it won’t matter what they say next. Not one word would be able to hold her back, Clarke knows that. Her mother is way too stubborn to even listen to anyone else’s ideas but her own sometimes. It is frustrating and down right upsetting. Clarke has no idea what is going to happen once their time frame is up. Once the sun sets and Lexa made it clear that they could not be in the walls of Arkadia any longer. It didn’t sound good, and Clarke does not want her mother here when something happens.

Clarke fills her lungs with air, exhaling deeply before making sure that her mind is back to present. She will have to deal with her mother later, in private and hopefully then convince her to change her mind. 

“ I know that this isn’t what you want. “ 

“ I know that you don’t have any obligations to trust me. “

Clarke starts, she pauses slowly to get a view at all the faces in the room. Watching as Monty stays silent beside Jasper, over to observe how the brows arches on top of Ravens forehead. 

“ However, I need you all to be informed that things are going to get ugly and I do believe that this is the best solution for our survival. “ 

Her eyes travel to her side, glancing over at Octavia’s face. Watching as she tilts her chin down in an agreeing nod. With that, Clarke knows that at least one is onboard. She’s got one on her side. 

  
  
  


______________

Clarke chases her mother down the long path of the hallway inside the walls of Arkadia. Each step echoes through the air each time her boots hit the floor. They had called an end to the meeting after agreeing to take a chance on Luna. It is the only way, and even if it doesn’t work, at least they will be out of Arkadia by the time Lexa wanted them to. Lincoln had seemed somewhat hesitant on the plan, yet after a long consideration and with the help of Octavia, he agreed to show them the way. Because truth is, he is the only one who knows the way, the only one who can be rather helpful on their journey to the sea. Still, Jasper had shared the same opinion as her mother. The idea of leaving Arkadia to join one of the Grounder clans, did not seem ideal. However, thanks to Monty,, Jasper still decided to go on with the plan. 

“ Clarke! “ 

Clarke stops, shooting a glance behind her as Octavia and Lincoln catch up with her. With their ragged breathing they stop right in front of her, eyes locked together with the blue of Clarke’s.

“ I did not want to say anything during the meeting to cause more chaos, but we are still too many, Clarke. “ Lincoln breathes. 

“ I know Luna, this will not work. “ 

Clarke stares between them. She can notice in the depth of Octavia’s green eyes that she is on Lincoln’s side in this. And maybe they are right, maybe they are too many, however Clarke can not let anyone stay behind. She needs to save as many as she can. 

She runs a hand through her short blonde hair, thoughts spinning in her head by each new information. How will she be able to handle this? She wants to offer her people safety, wants to make sure that they will have a place where everything is better and everything is safe. If there is a way for Clarke to offer them that, then she will not turn down the offer. However, what is she supposed to do about them being _ too many. _It is not like she can cut down on the amount of people that needs it.

“ How many? “ She asks with a heavy breath. 

Octavia glances up at Lincoln. Seeing how the thoughts spin in his mind in a noticeable expression on his face. He swallows thickly and continues. 

“ I am not sure. “ 

“ Maybe she can take in five, top. “ 

Clarke sighs, it is too few. They were nine people on the meeting, and there’s probably more who needs to follow who wasn’t in on it. Deciding which five people who can follow to Luna’s clan is impossible, Clarke can not take such a decision, she won’t. 

“ Listen, if we only take the people on the meeting then maybe it can work. “ 

“ We are still too many, though? “ Clarke asks. 

“ Maybe not. “ Octavia breathes and Clarke glances to her side. 

“ Lincoln and I talked, we planned to go on our own either way so we won’t need the place. “ 

Clarke lets the words stick to her. 

” Then we’ll be down to seven. “ 

“ Yes. “ 

Clarke looks between the two people standing in front of her, maybe her math is a little bit off but even if they decide to go their own way, they are still too many. Still, she stays in silence, watching as Octavia walks closer to her side. Soon enough her hand lock together with Clarke’s and the immediate touch makes her glance down at their hands in an instant. The touch is cold and careful, and so is the vision in Octavia’s eyes once Clarke glances back up. 

“ Abby made her decision, Clarke. “ Octavia whispers. 

“ I know you want to take her with you, but you can’t force her. Give the spot to someone else. “ 

Clarke feels as her throat tightens painfully hard. The dry lump growing firm and steady in the back of her throat. Her lungs struggling to breathe and her hand sweating as she holds onto Octavia. She can not let her mother stay here, not when Lexa had made it so clear that they need to be out. 

“ Then I’ll stay with her. “ Clarke nods as the words leave her mouth, nods as the realization hits her. Because even if Clarke let her mother stay, then they would still be one too many. Clarke would still need to cut down one, why not just choose herself. 

“ _ Clarke _. “ 

She glances back up, capturing the stare of Octavia’s eyes. She can see the worry hidden in them, lingering on the surface while her eyes travel between Clarke’s. 

“ We would still be one too many, right? “ 

“ Clarke, that was not the plan. “ Octavia assures, still Clarke blinks the words away. Her hand slide gently from the grip of Octavia’s. 

“ It is now. Plans change. “

“ What about Lexa? “ 

Clarke swallows thickly, the reminder of Lexa sets a throbbing motion inside her chest. She is aware of how Lexa made it clear that especially Clarke had to be out of Arkadia. That it was the most important thing for her. Still, saving her own people is the most important to Clarke. 

“ I need to save as many as I can, Lexa will understand. “ 

“ Will she? “ 

Octavia’s jaw clenches as the brows furrows on her forehead. She doesn’t seem convinced but neither is Clarke. Yet, she has no time to argue about this. They are too many and her people needs safety the most right now. Still, Clarke swallows thickly. Letting the words get to her, imagining Lexa’s face when she finds out that Clarke never left. She doesn’t know what it’ll mean for her by staying in Arkadia. She’s only assumed from the tone in Lexa’s voice that it’s never been good. Whatever is going to happen by the end of the day is not going to be positive. However, as Clarke lets the thought spin, she finds herself reaching out for Octavia’s hand. She holds it gently in the palm of her own, her eyes soften and her chin lowers. 

“ What about Bellamy? “ 

“ There is no spot left for him. “ Clarke whispers, and Octavia’s eyes soon meet the floor between them by the reminder that hits her. Her jaw clenches and her spine straightens. 

“ He is part of this, Clarke. “ 

“ Let him stay, he chose this for himself. “ 

“ _ Octavia. _“ Clarke breathes and she immediately looks up. She spots the uncertainty lingering in Octavia’s eyes, and she knows that this is hard for her. No matter what has happened, Bellamy is still her brother. He is still family, and Clarke doesn’t know what it means for the people that gets left behind. She would understand if Octavia would want to save his skin, if she would find this moment to forgive him. It is human to want something like that in a moment like this. Especially for someone she holds so close. 

“ No. He was part of the army that slaughtered the three hundred warriors. He has followed Pike on killing missions since then. “ 

“ Leave him. He will have to fight for himself this time. “ 

Clarke tilts her chin down in a slow nod. She can feel as her throat tightens and her breath becomes heavier. Leaving Bellamy behind even feels hard for Clarke. Even after what he’s done, and because of that she knows that it must be hard for Octavia as well. No matter if she is ready to recognize it or not. 

“ Okay then. Get ready to pack your things, gather the others and leave within the hour. “ 

Octavia and Lincoln both nods, understanding and ready. This may be the last time that they will get to see each other for a long time, but either way, Clarke knows that they will be okay. They will be safe, they have each other and that is all that matters to Clarke. All she thinks about in this moment is for them to get out of camp and go far from Arkadia. Clarke lets her eyes travel between the two a final time, yet just as she is about to turn and leave, Octavia grabs by her hand. 

“ Don’t get yourself killed. “ 

Clarke smiles, painful and small. 

“ I won’t. “ 

  
  


_____________


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello i am back again with another chapter :) i have been trying to write as much as i can because i’ve had some extra time to do so and i’ve really just wanted to make up for the long wait that i’ve put you through before! 
> 
> i hope you like this chapter and please let me know what you think, if there’s anything specifically you like or anything i can do better :) 
> 
> enjoy!

After hours of hiding from the sight of Pike or any of his guards, Raven had made sure to show Clarke exactly how and where to turn off the power for the electric fences that covers their land. She made sure to show her for Clarke to be ready to help them sneak out through the back. Going through the gates in this moment would be too much of a risk, it would be too suspicious and Clarke can not let them get caught. Not now. Not now when they are so close to their goal, so close to their freedom.

  
Clarke tightens her grip around the radio in the palm of her hand. She kneels on the floor by the electric cabinet in the power room. Raven had made sure to show her the hidden place, the cabinet that controls all power that reaches Arkadia. She made sure to show her which switch to pull for the power to turn off in the fences outside. Now, all she has to do is to wait for Raven’s orders. Wait for a clear sign that they are ready to go. Yet, the waiting only makes the nervousness grow more steady in Clarke’s body. Only makes her gut clench and her throat dry up. A part of her feels guilty for not convincing her mother, and even Bellamy to follow them on their journey to Luna. A part of her feels guilty for not telling everyone else about their plan. There are so many people that aren’t on Pike’s side. That wants peace as much as everyone else. What will happen to them? Clarke swallows down the thickness in her throat that stirs by the thoughts that occurs. She almost regrets not going herself. She tries to convince herself that she did right, she gave her spot to someone else. She gave up her safety for the certainly of theirs. It needed to be done. However, Clarke wishes that she could be with them, follow them to Luna. Yet she figures that this is what it means by being a leader, taking sacrifices for the safety of her own people. She needs to do what she’s always done. Save her people. Yet Clarke can’t help the weightening ache that sets in her chest by the thought of it. She has no idea what it means for her by staying. If she will ever be able to return to Polis,, to _Lexa._

Clarke jumps the moment the radio starts to murmur and the sound starts appearing almost too loud. She clears her throat from the dryness that occurs before bringing the radio closer to her mouth. Getting ready both physically and mentally.

‘’ Clarke? ‘’ 

Raven’s voice is low and husky through the frequency of the radio. Still, Clarke licks the dryness off her lips and continues.

‘’ I’m here. ‘’ 

‘’ We’re ready. ‘’

Clarke nods, she is not even sure why since Raven is not even able to see her. Although it is all she can do by the clenching that occurs in her chest. It almost makes it impossible for her to get any words out. The desperate want of following her friends to Luna, eats her alive from inside and out. This is it. The blood freezes in her veins and she almost becomes numb. Every muscle in her body cramping as she forces herself to switch off the power. One simple movement and it’s done. Yet, Clarke has to force her fingers painfully hard to move through the numbness and reach for the switch. One simple click and everything turns quiet. Everything is still and in daze. Everything fading into nothingness as the power shuts off and Clarke is left alone.

Clarke swallows thickly, the lump has grown strong and steady far down her throat. It makes it painful with each breath she draws to her lungs and with each exhale that leaves her lips. She should be with them. Her eyes burn, yet still remains dry from tears. 

“ It’s done. “ The words murmurs through the frequency as the sound travels through. 

‘’ Hey, Raven? ‘’ Clarke whispers, low and husky. 

‘’ Be safe. ‘’ 

It turns quiet for a while, the silence sweeping in to cover every corner of the room. It settles to the heaviness Clarke can feel in her chest, and she wonders if she’s already lost contact with the others. If they’re already out. If they’ve already left her alone with nothing but the lonely presence of herself. It goes silent until the radio suddenly vibrates with noise, drawing attention to it as Clarke glances down to find it in the palm of her hand. 

‘’ You too. ‘’ Raven’s voice is shaky and low through the radio, yet it is all Clarke needs to calm the speeding of her heart. To feel some kind of closure before they all leave. 

  
  


________________

Once Lincoln has taken all the others with him on their journey to Luna, to find her by the horizon of the sea, the loneliness is fast to creep up over Clarke’s body. It travels to every corner of her body, settling on every muscle. Arkadia suddenly feels much more empty, silent. No where she turns is a familiar face to be found. Luckily though, Clarke has managed to stay out of Pike’s sight and she hasn’t walked up on too many guards either. However, her mother is now nowhere to be found. Clarke made sure to check the medical bay right after she was done with helping the others sneak out, although she had only found the room dark and empty. The lack of her presence is something that scares Clarke, and only makes her feel more alone. Everyone is gone, and she is left alone with nothing but her own loud thoughts. A part of her wonders if she did right by staying behind once the others left. It had been so important to leave, so important that she followed on the trip to Luna. Clarke can still hear the promise she made to Lexa echo in the back of her head. _Promise me you will be out of Arkadia by the fourth day. _She had promised, she had looked Lexa deep in the eyes, feeling the light touch of her hand on the side of her leg and promised that she would be out. Why couldn’t she just stick to that, why did she always have to play the hero?

Clarke sighs as she steps into her old bedroom. A simple bed in the corner, drawings on her walls and a small table in the middle of the room. It is a small space, yet enough for only her, and Clarke might have to get used to it now. Who knows how long she’ll spend in Arkadia this time. Or if she will ever be able to get out at all. 

She removes the gun from the holster on her hip, putting it on the table in front of her. Her body already feels a little lighter without the weight of it, and a relieved puff of air escapes her lips. Clarke’s head is already throbbing in pain and she’s only spent a few hours in Arkadia. A few hours and her body is already aching, her mind already screaming for her to return to Polis. With a heavy weight, Clarke sits down on one of the chairs by the table. Her head falls into the palms of her hands for support as she breathes out. Breathes out the cold air that soon fades into nothingness. Breathes out through the thickness in her chest. She runs her mud-covered fingers through the strings of her damp hair. Her mind dazing over to the memories of Lexa. Of the short period of time that she got to spend in Polis. Of all the small moments she got to live with Lexa by her side. As Lexa once told her, Polis did help in getting a better view as in how the Grounders are as people. Before, it had been so easy to only see them as ruthless warriors, but once Clarke got to Polis, she got to see the depth behind it all. She got to see why they are the way that they are, how similar they are to everyone else. It changed Clarke’s vision of it all, yet the vision of Lexa had changed long before that. Clarke had known far before that Lexa was special, Polis only helped in getting to see it more clearly. 

“ I heard rumors about you being back. “ 

Clarke shifts in her position on the chair, turning just slightly as she looks over her shoulder to find Bellamy leaning onto the doorframe. His guard-jacket hanging heavily over his shoulders and his gun placed firmly by the side of his hip. Clarke finds herself holding her breath by the sight. She hates to see Bellamy this way, so influenced by Pike and his beliefs. Still, a part of her also feels guilty of not informing Bellamy about their plan. Still feeling guilty of not letting him go with them. However, Octavia had been right, Bellamy has become part of all of this now. Of every decision that Pike has made. Clarke can see that now, as he stands with his arms folded in front of his chest and his face unmoved. He is not the same person Clarke once knew. Just like everyone else, he has lost too much to the war with the Grounders, to the war with the Earth. He lost his girlfriend, Gina,, and he also is still feeling guilt from what happened at the mountain. Clarke can tell, because she feels it too. 

“ I returned earlier this morning. “ Clarke speaks, slow and steady, and Bellamy nods.

“ What are you doing here, Clarke? “ 

Clarke can feel as the words stick to her, as they find themselves to the bottom of her core. She can feel as they clench by the tightness in her throat and she is reminded of the last conversation she had with Bellamy that had seemed painfully similar to this one. Yet, Clarke sighs heavily before standing from the chair to face Bellamy more clearly. 

“ We need to talk. “ 

Bellamy huffs, his eyes travel from Clarke to glance around in the hallway outside the room.

“ Now? “ he asks, before locking his eyes back at Clarke. 

  
“ You want to talk, _now_? “

She can tell that he is upset, and Clarke remembers how betrayed he had felt the last time Clarke chose to stay in Polis with Lexa. She still remembers the pain in his eyes when she had told him that she was not coming back. That time, Clarke had done it simply because she needed to find reasons to trust Lexa again. She needed to spend time with her, to see her reasons and understand her thoughts. Clarke needed that time in Polis to be able to overcome the betrayal at Mount Weather and to be able to forgive Lexa. Because if she hadn’t, Clarke is not sure if she would ever have been able to find peace within herself.

“ _ Bellamy _ . “ she breathes, careful and slow. She is aware of how this is not the person that he is. She knows that this is his shield from the pain he is feeling, from the hurt that he has buried deep within himself. She knows that he is still upset at her for leaving to go back to Polis, _ again. _ She is aware of all of that, still Clarke is not sure for how long he is going to hold it against her. Clarke has always done what she has thought has been the right thing for her people, _ their _ people. She has always had their best interest in mind. The decision to first stay in Polis, and then the decision to return may have partly been a bit for herself. It may have been a little of a selfish decision. Yet, Clarke is not sure why she should feel so guilty for it. She has not felt very needed in Arkadia either way, and when it came to it _ she returned. _She came back. 

“ Don’t you have a new home to go back to now? “ 

“ Why are you here? “ 

“ _ Stop _. “ 

Clarke stares down on the ground between them. The thoughts running in her head as she lets the words reach her ears. This is childish. He knows it as well as she does, and Clarke knows deep down that he does not mean it. He is hurt, confused by the lies Pike has affected him with. 

“ This is not right, Bellamy. “ 

“ You know that. “ 

Her eyes travel back up, blue locking with the depth of the darkness in his. 

“ You’re wrong. “ Bellamy pauses. His eyes staring through Clarke’s, making the tightness grow in Clarke’s chest and the sweat to appear in the palms of her hands. She watches with her lungs fighting for breath, and when the two guards walk up close to Bellamy’s side, her chest completely drops. It is almost as if Clarke can feel it psychically happen. Almost like she can see it happen by the sight of her eyes. Her chin raises and her lungs only becomes heavier. Feeling the betrayal of the man standing before her. Of the one who used to be her friend. 

“ _ Bellamy _. “ She breathes heavily, before her head tilts. 

“ What the hell are you doing? “

  
  
  


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	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> woah look at that, three chapters in like four days hahah. I’ve really enjoyed writing lately, and I really hope that you enjoy reading it too. Your comments really makes me more motivated to write and really makes me feel like what I do matters. I wouldn’t have continued this fic without it and now we are soon close to the end so thank you! 
> 
> now enjoy this chapter!

The metal from the handcuffs dig deeper into the skin on Clarke’s wrists the more she moves. They are locked painfully hard against her flesh and Clarke has to tug at her lips by the pain that occurs. She swallows down the blood taste that start to linger upon her tongue from how hard she bites down and the throbbing in her head is not making things any easier. Bellamy had made sure to order two guards to follow with him as soon as he heard that Clarke was back in camp. He had ordered them to lock her up with handcuffs around her wrists on the wooden chair placed in the middle of one of the rooms. That way, Clarke would not be able to escape, not before they’ve had the chance to talk to her. But to be honest, Clarke has no idea what comes next. What they will do once they find out about the others who are suddenly missing. Because sooner or later, they will find out and Clarke does not feel like being locked up when they do.

Clarke watches, with hair hanging down over her face that she has no possibility in removing herself, how Bellamy pulls a chair out and sits down in front of her. With his hands locked in his lap he keeps his stare at her, and Clarke tries to search for the guy she once knew deep hidden in the depth of his eyes. The last time Clarke returned from Polis, it had pretty much ended in the same way. That time resulted in her being locked up by Bellamy too. Maybe she should be used to it by now, still it baffles her that this is what it has come to. They used to be good friends, used to make decisions _together. _How did they end up on different sides of the war? 

“ They can’t find my sister or Lincoln anywhere near camp. “ Bellamy pauses, and the conversation that Clarke has been dreading has officially started. She shifts in her uncomfortable position on the chair before she raises her chin to be able to get some of the hair away from her face. 

“ They are missing together with a lot of medical supplies as well as food. “ 

“ I suppose you don’t have anything to do with that?

Bellamy keeps his stare at Clarke, and she can tell that he is looking for any kind of hints hidden in the features on her face. Although,, technically, Clarke is not the one who forced them to go. Lincoln and Octavia would have packed up and left by themselves, whether or not Clarke had come back.

“ I don’t know what you’re talking about. “ She lies. Yet she can’t let him know. No matter how bad it feels to lie up to his face about his sister, she can’t let him know the truth. Not now. Because if she does, it is just a matter of time before he sends a scout group to look for them. To bring them back. And Clarke can not let that happen. Still, Bellamy raises his chin. 

“ Don’t lie to me, Clarke. “ 

Clarke huffs, turning her eyes away from the man in front of her. Of the man who looks similar to the friend she once knew, but who acts nothing like him. Instead, her eyes searches the room. The two guards who locked her up stands still by the door, keeping watch. Otherwise, Bellamy and Clarke are the only ones left in the room. 

‘’ Will you let me out of these cuffs? ‘’ Clarke asks, turning her gaze back at Bellamy. Watching as he straightens his spine before glancing down on the hands behind Clarke’s back. 

‘’ What does Lexa want this time? ‘’ 

‘’ Excuse me? ‘’ The brows arches on top of Clarke’s forehead, making the wrinkles between just slightly appear by the sudden question. 

” There’s been Grounders circling our lands lately. “

The new information that Clarke has been given still comes as a shock as she lets them reach her ears. She had not seen any Grounders outside of Arkadia when she arrived. The land outside of the fences had seemed clear, yet as Clarke thinks back, the reminder of her encounter with the Ice Nation hits her. The reminder flashes through her mind, remembering Tristan’s warm hand over her mouth to keep her from screaming. They did see Grounders, they saw _Azgeda. _

Clarke swallows thickly by the reminder. She is not sure how to respond to the sudden accusation. If she should tell him what she’s seen, or play dumb and go with it. Yet, Clarke figures that she has to do whatever she can to keep the others safe. To stick to the plan. To not give away too much of what she knows. 

“ Well I understand that you’ve spent some time outside their villages too. “ She says, steady and clear. It draws a huff from Bellamy’s lips and his jaw to clench. Swallowing down the frustration Clarke can see grow on his face. 

‘’ You know,, “ He starts. 

“ It’s getting hard to keep track of whose side you’re on. ‘’ 

Clarke sinks back, the words echoing through her mind as they settle to her skin. They tighten the thickness she can feel grow strong and steady in her chest as well as deep in her throat. What Clarke has been doing has nothing to do with choosing sides, she has only done what she has thought has been right. She has stayed faithful and loyal to her people, trying her best to give them everything she can. To make everything as simple and good as she can. Unlike Bellamy, who lately has only let his own emotions control how he leads, which path he makes his people follow. Lexa is not the reason as to why Clarke decided to come back. Clarke’s return has simply to do with them,  _ her people. _ With Bellamy and Pike, and everyone else who follows.  _ They _ are the problem, and Clarke came back for them. To stop them, and to be able to talk to them.

‘’ I guess we have that in common. ‘’ she speaks, strong and firmly. Yet, Bellamy arches his brows, and with his jaw clenching he stands from the chair. He glances over his shoulder to get a final look at Clarke, and Clarke can feel as the darkness in his eyes cuts right through her. 

“ If I find out that my sister is out there while murderers are sneaking around in our lands. “ 

“ We will continue this conversation. “ 

That’s all he says, all he says before he gives orders to the guards and walks out of the room. Leaving Clarke alone in the silence, with nothing but her loud thoughts keeping her company. Leaving her alone, only to watch as the sun is beginning to set outside the windows and behind the trees of the forest. This is it, Clarke figures. She draws a heavy breath to her numb lungs before she exhales deeply. The countdown has officially begun.

  
  
  


______________

With each passing minute, Clarke’s restlessness only grows stronger. Every now and then she shoots a glance over at the window in the room, watching as the darkness appears from where the sun starts to set. The time is almost up, the time that Lexa had given her to get out of Arkadia. The time that Clarke had promised to follow. As soon as she can no longer see the sun stream through the trees, the countdown is over and the time will be up. Clarke’s heart beats faster the more the sun starts to fade, her legs becomes almost impossible to keep still and the pain she can feel around her wrists from the handcuffs that pulls at her skin, is almost not even that painful any longer. All attention is now turned to the sun. All attention is now spent on waiting. Waiting for what is about to come next. Hoping and praying that the others have made it far from camp. Clarke is not sure how long the trip to Luna is, but she prays with all she’s got that they will reach their destination sooner rather than later. That they will be safe. She only regrets that she did not have time to convince Abby before they left. Everything had happened too fast and Abby had been nowhere to be found. Still, all she can do now is to hope that her mother is somewhere safe. That what is about to happen will not affect her. 

Clarke closes her eyes while she lets the thoughts spin. Her eyelids feels painfully heavy and her head keeps throbbing with pain. Clarke is not sure if it is because of how tense her body is, or because of the lack of sleep she’s been getting. She hasn’t had a good nights sleep since before she left Polis. And even the last night she spent there had not given her much sleep. Instead, she had stayed up with worried thoughts in her head, and with a lot of attention on watching Lexa sleep. It had seemed right in the moment, and at that point, Clarke hadn’t mind the lack of sleep she was getting. Now though, Clarke starts to wonder if it is the cause of the headache that pulses with pain. It is not impossible, because she didn’t get many hours of sleep during her journey back to Arkadia either. Instead, the cold ground had only left her body sore. Sore and cramping, and making Clarke ache to be back in her bed in Polis. Back with feeling the warmth of Lexa’s body close to her own. She would give up so much for the possibility to have that back. Wishing that she and Lexa had a life that did not consist of war and death. That did not consist of having the weight of the world on their shoulders. Wishing that they could live a life more normal to what everyone else is living.

Clarke is drawn from her thoughts the moment the door opens again. It pulls at her attention in an instant, and Clarke is fast to notice as Pike walks through. She hasn’t seen him since she last left, and Clarke can feel the same hatred now as she did then. The hatred that flows through the blood in her veins as her eyes scan the man before her. The man who is behind all of the attacks on the Grounder villages. Of the man who has slaughtered and killed innocent people. It is still shocking to Clarke, how one man can stand tall for those beliefs, for not realizing that he is doing something wrong. Maybe that is just the worst part. That they don’t realize that what they are doing is murder and completely unacceptable. 

“ Clarke Griffin. “ He speaks, loud and almost teasingly clear.

“ You got it. “ Clarke does her best to mimic the confidence in her own tone. She is not afraid of him, and honestly, Clarke is still not sure if she should be or not. There is no denying in how he easily can kill her if he wants to. Especially with the help from all the other guards. Yet, she can’t seem to feel any kind of fear for the man. Maybe it has to do with the fact that Clarke has been on the ground way longer than he has, and she has dealt with things far worse than him. First it had been the fear of the Grounders, and the Reapers. Even such a thing as the wild animals they have encountered. The mountain gorilla, the panther. Pike doesn’t come close to any of those things, or to the kind of fear that Clarke had felt then.

She watches patiently how he takes his place on the chair in front of her. The chair that Bellamy had placed in her direction. He clasps his hands together in a similar motion and his eyes locks with Clarke’s. Looking into his eyes, letting the silence creep in, Clarke doesn’t think that she has ever felt the same kind of hatred for anyone before. It is the kind of feeling that makes her jaw clench and her body hard to keep still. The kind of feeling that brings out the worst in her, making her feel anything but calm.

“ So, what brings you back to Arkadia, Clarke? “ 

Clarke lets her eyes travel between his, searching for the question he really is wondering. Noticing how he tries to keep his face calm and relaxed, but the tightness in his throat gives it away in an instant. He is worried for her return. Worried what her return means for them. And by the words that leave his mouth next, Clarke knows that he is. 

“ You know,, it’s kind of suspicious that you return by the same time the Grounders start to come to our lands. “ 

“ You assume I brought them here? “ Clarke asks, brows furrowing on top of her forehead, making the wrinkles in between just slightly appear. Yet, Pike shrugs and leans back. 

“ Why  _ did _ you come back, Clarke? “ 

“ What are your intentions? “ 

Clarke huffs, removing her gaze from Pike while she lets her eyes travel around the room. They are all alone now. The guards are no longer keeping watch on the door, and Bellamy is nowhere to be found either.

“ I came back for you. “ She says, returning her gaze back on Pike. Letting the blue of her eyes capture the darkness in his. 

“ What you’re doing is wrong. “ 

“ I don’t see it that way. “ 

“ You’re  _ murdering _ innocent people, in  _ their _ homes. “ 

Clarke sighs, leaning back into the chair when she realizes that no matter what she says, Pike is not going to understand that what he is doing, is wrong. She notices in the corner of her eyes, how Pike leans forward. Supporting his arms on his thighs as he stares back at Clarke.

“ Were you not the first one to return to their villages? “ He asks. 

“ Did you not just come back from their Capital?” 

Clarke looks back. The blood in her veins feels on the verge of boiling. Her mind fighting the tightness in her hand that wants to form to a fist as the frustration only builds. Clarke may have been the first one to actually go back to the Grounders, but it was simply for the sake of seeking help. 

“ I had my reasons. “ She speaks, low and husky, and Pike leans back. Arms folded in front of his chest. 

“ So had I. “ 

Clarke is not sure what she believes is worst. The fact that Pike still thinks that what he is doing is right, or that he tries to justify it in the way he does. Either way, it is mind blowing to hear the words reach her ears, and Clarke can almost not even believe what she is hearing. How will she be able to negotiate with him if he is not willing to listen? How will she be able to negotiate before he can accept that he is doing something wrong? Because before he does, there is no use in trying to lecture him because he will not be willing to listen. Clarke lets her mind travel back to the moment in Polis, to the moment when Clarke first got a stronger idea of what was going on. To the moment when Lexa had told her what her people had done and to the moment when she told her that Pike would not be willing to negotiate until Clarke’s return. She is back now, so maybe it is worth a shot. 

Clarke clears her throat, her spine straightens and she does her best to remove some of the hair from her face by a simple movement of her head. 

“ I spoke to the Commander. “ 

“ She told me that she had been talking to you, and that you were only willing to negotiate if I returned. “ Clarke pauses, leaning back in the chair as her eyes stays locked on Pike. 

“  _ That’s _ why I’m back. “ 

The words are not completely lies. Returning to Arkadia to speak to Pike and Bellamy had been Clarke’s original plan. The plan that she had first thought of. Because to start with, all Clarke wanted was to get a chance to talk to Bellamy. To try to convince them to stop the killing. For a moment she thought that she would be able to, but since her return, she now starts to realize that maybe that will be easier said than done. Pike seems in no want to negotiate or stop what he is doing. He already has a clear goal, and that is to make the best for his people. To wipe out the Grounders so they will no longer have to live in fear. 

“ I don’t have any interest in negotiating, Clarke. “ And with that, Pike proves her right. Deep down, Clarke had not expected anything else. Although, it still makes the tightness in her gut only clench harder. It clenches harder because somehow she still had some kind of hope. Still had hope that they would prove her wrong and agree on something peaceful. Yet now Clarke knows that it is not going to be that easy, and now Clarke wishes more than ever that she had gone with the others to find Luna. 

“ Listen to me,, “ Clarke starts, her tone strong and firm as she lets the words slip through. 

“ If you don’t stop right now, your men will die.”

Clarke knows that she is right, and she is hoping that deep down, Pike knows it too. It doesn’t matter how many Grounder villages they try to wipe out. The Grounder army is larger than they think. There are twelve different clans that they will have to fight against, and if they team up, then Skaikru don’t stand a chance. Clarke is about to protest again when the loud sound echoes through air from the forest. It is loud and heavy, and Clarke recognizes the familiar sound in an instant. It pulls at her attention and she can feel as if her heart completely stops. It goes numb, and her eyes are quick to lock on the window, trying to get a glimpse of what is going on outside. The noise she heard is not something positive. It makes her throat dry and her hands shiver. Clarke is too aware of what it means, a part of her feels relieved yet another part scared to death. Still, Pike rises to his feet in an instant, and his hand is fast to pull out the gun from the holster on his hip. 

“ What is that? “ He asks. Trying to keep his face calm and his tone strong, yet Clarke can notice the worry lingering in his words. 

“ The war horn. “ Clarke whispers, before turning her eyes back at Pike. She waits in silence as she lets the realization hit him, and once Pike seems just as confused, she starts again. 

“ She’s here to fight. “ 

  
  


  
  


________________

  
  



	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure how I feel about this chapter, I didn’t want to make it seem too rushed yet I didn’t want it to feel too slow either. I also was unsure of where to divide this and the next chapter because I didn’t want one to be too long, so that’s why i’m ending it here. Hopefully though the next chapter is out soon because I’ve already started on it! 
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think! I read ALL comments and appreciate each one so much so thank you!

Moments pass by in what feels like hours. In slow ticking minutes as the darkness appears. The air in the room is cold and almost too thick to breathe as the clutter and the outcries echoes from the outside. Clarke is not sure how many minutes or maybe even hours have passed since the war horn was first heard. They have kept her locked up and alone in the room since then, and all Clarke has to go after now are the noises she can hear coming from the outside. Gunshots, screams.. it all echoes terribly loud in the back of her head, and Clarke’s heart pounds harder by each shot she is able to hear. By each shot that she is praying is not aimed for Lexa. It is all making so much sense now. The reasons as to why Lexa had seemed so worried and determined in to making sure that Clarke left camp. She was planning to attack all along, probably knowing that Clarke would not be able to convince Bellamy and Pike to stop. She probably knew long before Clarke even left that this was going to happen, and that is why she had come up with the plan to send Clarke to Luna. To send her to safety, so that she would not be in camp when the war started. Although it is too late now. It is too late for Clarke to leave now and even if she could, she would not come very far by the handcuffs that keeps her locked to the chair. 

Clarke exhales deeply before closing her heavy eyelids. She keeps her mouth half agape to let air smoothly down to her pounding lungs. Still it feels like no air is enough. The tightness in her chest and the thickness she can feel only grow stronger in her throat makes it all too hard to breathe properly. Sweat start to find its way through her skin in the palms of her hands, and Clarke’s head is throbbing with ache. The worst part is that Clarke knows that whatever is going on outside, she has no possibility to stop it. She has no possibility to do anything about it as long as she is stuck in the room. Whatever is going on outside of these walls, are completely up to faith to decide. All she can do now, is wait. Wait for the gunshots to stop, wait for the screams to fade. Hoping and praying that it all doesn’t end in a bloodbath. Hoping that she will not have to walk out of these doors, only to find the ground covered with lifeless bodies. Covered with more innocent lives being taken. 

Clarke swallows thickly and opens her eyes. She glances over at the window in the room. The darkness has now started to cover most of their lands, yet there are no signs of movements. No signs of movements from the noises that she can clearly hear. Maybe they are too far away. Yet what scares Clarke the most, is that she is aware of how many people that follows Pike. How many people he has by his side through all of this. Clarke is not sure how many people Lexa has showed up with, or if she is even here at all, but Clarke does know that Pike’s guns are hard to fight against and it doesn’t take much to be hit by a bullet. It doesn’t matter how much of a skilled warrior they are, if a bullet gets aimed in their way. There is not much to do to stop it before it’s going to kill them. Clarke sighs by the thought. She is not ready for what awaits her once the door opens, once she steps outside. All she can do, is just hope that Lexa is not out there, that Lexa is safe back in Polis and not in the middle of a warzone. 

  
  
  
  


______________

It all stands still. After moments that probably turned to hours, with gunshots and screams,, it has now turned completely silent and still. Clarke is not sure if she should be relieved by the silence, that it is finally over,, or if it should only worry her more. Yet, the silence lingers in every corner of the room. Shrieking in the back of her head almost painfully hard as it streams through her ears. It echoes with nothing but the sound of the ventilator in the room. It is awfully quiet, and Clarke does not enjoy the way it makes her stomach clench or the nausea that stirs. Her head has begun to ache almost more painful than before, it is pulsing with pain with each new thought that hits her. With each new thought of what she is about to find once she walks out of the doors. The not knowing scares her most. Not knowing what awaits her, not knowing if Lexa is part of the Grounders that were sent to attack, or if she is still back in Polis. Not knowing where her mother is, if she is safe or out there with the others.

Clarke sighs deeply by the thought, she can not let it get to her now. She has to try to think about something else and not make herself more worried when she has no chance to affect it either way. Yet she only finds herself in daze, drifting in and out from something that feels like reality. Something that does not feel real. She feels it until the door opens and her mind is pulled back to present. 

“ _ Clarke. “ _Her mother lets out under a breath. Clarke watches as Abby walks in, she is fast to get inside the room and just as fast to close the door behind her. Clarke can’t help but let her eyes scan her body, looking for any signs of injuries and bleeding. Yet her mother seems fine. The only thing noticeable is the sweat on her forehead that glows by the lightning from the ceiling. 

“ Mom? “ 

” What’s going on? “ Clarke asks, feeling afraid of what response is going to greet her. Although her mother seems just as confused as Clarke is feeling. Her eyes are pitch black, her pupils blown wide and her lips pulled in a thin line over her face. 

“ I don’t know, they won’t let me out. “ Abby whispers while walking further into the room and closer to Clarke. 

“ Did you know about this? “ She asks in a sound of a whisper under her ragged breathing. 

“ What? No. “ 

“ Was that why you were so eager on leaving? Why you wanted everyone to follow? “ 

“ It’s not like that, I had no idea this would happen. “ 

Clarke understands what it must look like. It all fits too well. She returned by the same time that Azgeda start to linger around their land and as soon as she shows up the first thing she asks is for the people she cares about to leave. Not to mention that the attack happened right after they left. It is all too suspicious, yet Clarke can’t help but feeling betrayed that even her mother would think something like that. To think that Clarke planned for all of this to happen. Clarke never wished for a war. She never wished for anyone to get hurt. Yet she can’t seem to read the changes on Abby’s face, to understand if she believes her or not. Clarke knows that it is similar to what happened when her and Lexa let the bomb drop on TonDC, on the village that killed hundreds of innocent people. Clarke still remembers the look on her mother’s face then, and it is similar to the one she can notice now. Still, what happened here, is nothing like what happened then. 

“ I.. “ Clarke starts, feeling the want to explain herself. However, she doesn’t get to by the door that opens once again, and this time, it is Bellamy walking through. His face is painted with dirt, and his hands covered with small amounts of red blood. The sight stops the pounding of Clarke’s heart in an instant, and the expression on Bellamy’s face doesn’t go unnoticed. His eyes does not want to meet Clarke’s and his arms hangs heavily by the sides of his body. He looks exhausted and apologetic. Not at all like someone who just won a war,, or maybe that is exactly what he did. 

“ It’s over. “ Bellamy lets out from under his breath. Low and raspy, and Clarke can feel as the tightness in her chest only becomes stronger. It clenches painfully hard at the muscle by her heart, and Clarke is unsure of how to interpret the sentence. 

“ Let me out. “ The words escape her lips in more of a whispering demand than a question. However, Clarke can not keep being locked up in this room. She needs to be out with the others, needs to see by her own eyes what is going on. She needs to find Lexa. Bellamy’s words are not enough, Clarke needs to see it for herself. Yet, Bellamy waste no time in protesting, instead he makes his way silently over to Clarke. He kneels by the floor behind her back, reaching for the keychain in the pocket of his pants before unlocking the handcuffs that keeps Clarke still.

A small gasp leaves her lips by the way the cuffs pulls at her skin as Bellamy unlocks her. Her wrists has started to feel painfully sore and the metal from how hard the cuffs has tugged at her skin, has left its red marks over her flesh. However, Clarke doesn’t care. She makes sure to caress the sore skin over her wrists, yet her mind is occupied with something completely different. Where is Lexa? Why is everything suddenly so quiet? 

Clarke glances back at Bellamy, watching as he rises to his feet and positions himself in front of her. There is an apology lingering in the darkness of his eyes. An apology that makes her body unsteady and her mind dizzy.

“ Where is she? “ Clarke asks, and Bellamy remains silent. His brows arches, and his throat gulps in a thick motion before he lightly shakes his head. The movement alone is enough to make the floor feel like it is moving. It is enough to make Clarke feel like she is drowning, _ deep. _ It is not possible. It is not possible for anything to have happened to Lexa. And if it is, Clarke will never be able to forgive herself. Just the thought makes her body shake, her heart drop. It makes her vision blurry and her hands shiver. It draws at an anger stronger than she’s ever felt grow from the tip of her toes. If anything has happened to Lexa, it is all their fault. _ Her _people’s fault. 

Clarke moves forward. Each foot carrying her over the floor in heavy steps. Still, it doesn’t take long before she is just close enough to Bellamy. Close enough to stare into the depth of his eyes before she smacks a hand over the skin on his cheek in a hard motion. She feels as the stinging pain creeps in on her own hand as soon as the skin in her palm meets the skin on his cheek in a vengeful slap. Clarke didn’t expect to slap him, and by the look in his eyes or the gasp escaping her mother, neither did they. 

  
  
  


______________

‘’ Clarke, you can’t go out there! ‘’ 

Bellamy does his best to keep up with Clarke’s speed as he follows her down the path of the hallway and closer to the entrance of the doors. However, everything feels in daze and his words only echoes in the back of her mind. Clarke barely even realizes that she is moving forward, because no step seems to be enough to bring her closer to the doors. She can feel both her mother and Bellamy walk after her in fast movements, but not fast enough to stop her. And even if they would try to, Clarke wouldn’t let them stop her. Not now. She _ needs _ to get out, _ needs _ to see what is going on and _ needs _ to find Lexa. _ Lexa. _ Clarke is not sure how she is going to react if she finds out that something has happened to her. She doesn’t want to think about it, yet it is the only thought that keeps her mind occupied. Because how can she not let it get to her? How can she not let the thought of something bad happening to Lexa completely destroy her? How does one prevent that from happening? How can she erase the image of finding Lexa’s lifeless body from her mind? The only image that spins in her head. It makes her nauseous and Clarke starts feeling as if she is about to throw up or pass out. Maybe even both. The floor feels like it is moving from under her feet and her head is pulsing with ache.

The moments it takes for her to reach the heavy doors that keeps her from knowing what is going on outside, feels like an eternity of time. The muscles in her body feels on the verge of cramping once her hands finally reaches for the handles. The touch alone sends a shiver down her spine, and Clarke has to swallow back the nausea that stirs. Worried about what she is going to find once the doors opens and the air outside greets her skin. Once the air that is filled with the smoke from the guns or the smell of blood embraces her body. Because from the blood she had noticed lingering on Bellamy’s hands, that is exactly what she expects to find. A bloodbath in the middle of a warzone. 

Clarke closes her eyes before she draws a heavy breath of air to her struggling lungs. _Please let her be wrong._ _Please do not let Lexa’s body be the first thing she sees. _Clarke will not be able to handle it, she will not be able to handle nothing else than seeing Lexa being okay, _alive. _And with that, and with the help of a heavy exhale, Clarke pushes at the heavy doors of the Ark. She pushes with all strength she’s got until the doors opens and the cold air greets the skin on her face. Her blonde hair dances by the wind that grips at it and her boots gets covered with mud the moment her feet greets the ground. The moment she takes a step forward and finds herself on the outside of the Ark. The air is filled with smoke and rain, and the darkness covers most of the lands. Yet it feels surprisingly still, surprisingly silent. The only thing she is able to hear is the whisper of the wind as it travels through the trees of the forest. And with that, Clarke is fast to shoot a glance over at the trees behind the large fences. It looks still, almost too still. No signs of movements or _life. _It sets the pounding of Clarke’s heart to speed, and it cramps at every muscle in her body. _Where are they? _The ground outside of the Ark is empty, or so she thought until Clarke starts noticing the bodies on the ground. The bodies hidden by the darkness. 

Clarke walks forward, slow and careful. She walks forward with mud splashing from under her boots. Afraid to call out the name that has her mind in daze. She walks forward with her heart in her throat, afraid of the faces she’s going to find. She walks forward with her legs shaking by the vision in front of her. Bodies in different shapes and sizes are scattered around on the wet ground. Dirt covers the features in their faces, some with blood mixed with it. As her eyes scans over them, Clarke starts to search for the injuries and the causes of their deaths. It all mostly looks like spear wounds, or stabs from a sword or knife. Yet, as she lets her eyes travel, Clarke only finds more bodies. More bodies that covers the ground that reaches all the way to the fences. All the way to the gates that stands wide open. And the more Clarke looks, the more people she finds. Both Skaikru and Grounders, both Trikru and Azgeda. 

The heart in her chest starts to beat almost painfully hard as Clarke let her gaze travel. The vision in front of her only makes the air thicker to breathe and only makes her body harder to keep standing up. She isn’t sure what she had expected to find, but this was probably close to what she first imagined. A war zone. A war zone full of bodies with bullet wounds or a spear through their chests. A war zone full of death and blood. 

  
  


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	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- I've written everything in my notes at the end of the chapter to avoid spoiling anything -

For someone who spent nearly eighteen years in space, eighteen years of dreaming about the ground and dreaming about the life that was possible on earth. What Clarke has been finding herself in now, is not really the kind of place from her dreams. It is not the place she spent hours drawing on the walls in her cell. Not the place that she often found her mind drifting off to. Clarke had expected the ground as more peaceful, and calm. She had expected beautiful creatures and landscapes. Hoping that someday she would find someone to fall in love with nearly as much as she had come to fallen in love with the idea of Earth. And she has. For the first time in Clarke’s lifetime, she has fallen in love. _ Madly _ in love. Yet now, the idea of love has found a way to scare her. It has found a way to make her feel fear different from any fear she has ever felt before. The possibility to have _ that _ love, only for it to be taken away in an instant is terrifying. To have that special someone, that she cares so deeply for, then not having the chance to tell them. And with that, Clarke realizes that she has never let Lexa know just how deeply she cares for her. How much she truly means to Clarke. How much she _ loves _ her. And now, maybe she never will. As Aden once told her, - _ if you are scared, it only means that you have a life that you care for. -, _ and maybe that is exactly what it is. Clarke has come to care for the life she has now, or the kind of life she _ could _ have with Lexa. Of the life where they can be together. She has come to care for a life with Lexa.

Clarke stands still in the middle of the bloodbath. Bodies are scattered around on the ground around her. Bodies soaked with mud, as the rain slowly washes off the blood from their bodies. It is a tragic vision. It leaves a growing hole in her chest. A hole that becomes bigger with each passing minute. A hole that soon sets in her lungs and makes it difficult for her to breathe as well. All Clarke can do is to stand still, _numb. _Feeling frozen in her step by watching the dead bodies on the ground. None from someone she recognizes, but that doesn’t stop her from being unable to move.

“ What happened here? “ Clarke hears as her mother whisper the words from under her breath, before moving closer to Clarke. She lets her own eyes travel over the view Clarke just studied. Looking at the people whose life have just been taken from them. It is unfair and painful. 

“ The Grounders attacked. “ Bellamy pauses before he walks up close to Abby’s side. 

“ They were too many. “ 

“ Most of us wanted to surrender but it was too late. “

Clarke glances back over her shoulder, her eyes catching the figure of Bellamy’s exhausted body as she lets the words set. As she draws in every new given information about what happened. She watches as Bellamy exhales deeply, the breath forming like a cloud of fog in the air above. 

“ Pike gave me a way out. He told me to go back and hide. “ 

“ So I did. “ 

Abby shoots a glance over at Bellamy’s face. She seems just as taken by the new information as Clarke feels. This was a well planned attack by the Grounders. And their goal was to wipe out every person of Skaikru blood. Clarke feels sick by the realization. This was not what she wanted. There were innocent people here too. Children who had nothing to do with this war. It comes as a bit of a surprise that Lexa planned this, yet it wouldn’t surprise Clarke if it actually was Titus’ plan all along. She is aware of how badly he wanted to get rid of her people. Lexa never wanted that. All Lexa has ever wanted is peace. With that thought reaching her mind, it is almost as if Clarke is drawn from the numbness by the deaths and her mind starts working. _Lexa. _Where is Lexa?

Clarke turns rapidly to face the two behind her. She watches as Bellamy sighs, being too aware of what is going on in Clarke’s mind by the sharpness in her face. Yet, the longer he stays silent, the thicker her throat becomes. 

“ I don’t know where she is. “ Bellamy starts. 

“ They were by the edge of the forest the last time I saw them. “ 

“ Them? “ Clarke asks, and Bellamy nods. 

“ She took Pike with them. “ 

“ He is alive? “ Abby is quick to join in on the conversation, and both Bellamy and Clarke turn their gaze to her in an instant. Clarke does not care whether or not he is still alive. What she cares for is if Lexa is. And _where _she is. Clarke’s eyes travel desperately back to the forest, yet it still looks too still. Maybe they have already gone back, maybe they only came to finish their job and then return as fast as possible. Lexa doesn’t know that Clarke has been in camp all along, so it makes sense for her to not come back to look for her. If Clarke wants to see her, she has to be the one to find Lexa.

She can feel as her legs begin to move. To carry her forward over the mud-covered ground and closer to the gates. Closer to the gates and closer to the forest. Clarke has to find Lexa before she leaves again. She _ needs _ to see her. Because according to Bellamy’s words, it seems as if he saw her, and that means that she has been here. She has been here all along while guns have been fired and spears have been thrown. Luckily, it seems like the last time Bellamy saw her, at least she was alive. For now, that is all Clarke really needs to know. So she moves forward, moves forward with the mud slashing up to her pants by each move she makes. Moves forward until she notices a sign of movement closer to the gates. It is almost too dark to see, and the darkness hides the figure almost too well. Yet, the closer she gets the more Clarke is able to actually recognize a human body. An _ alive _ human body. 

“ Someone’s here. “ Clarke lets out from under her breath. Making the other two aware of what she sees, before her legs start to run forward. She runs towards the body she can see clearly struggling to stand up near the gates. Watching as the body slowly falls onto the ground, too weak to stand. Watching the person struggling, _hard_. Clarke runs until she is close enough to fall down on her knees beside the body, her hands gripping by their shoulders to turn them around on the ground for Clarke to be able to get a better look. And it is just then, as Clarke turns them around with their face towards Clarke’s, that she recognizes who it is. Under the dirt and blood that is streaked over their face, making them almost unrecognizable, Clarke still manage to notice the familiar face.

“ _ Tamari _. “ Clarke whispers, feeling as if her heart is caught in her throat. Feeling as if no air is enough to let her breathe. Clarke’s hands shiver as she holds onto Tamari’s body, feeling it almost become weightless under the tip of her fingers. 

“ Hey, it’s me. “ The words leave Clarke’s mouth low and husky while she tries to make Tamari aware of her presence and as she tries to get her attention. Yet, Tamari’s eyes are as weak as her body. They struggle to keep their focus back on Clarke, and Clarke can almost see the daze she is in. Drifting between unconsciousness and reality.

“ I have to get to the others. “ Tamari breathes. The words shaky and her voice wheezy as they greet Clarke’s ears. And when Tamari does another attempt to stand, Clarke is fast to hold her back. She is too weak. There is no way that she will be able to catch up with the others, not like this. 

“ Tamari, you’re injured. “ 

Clarke pulls her back down to the ground, her back hitting the mud as Clarke helps her lie down. She needs to keep her body still. She is too injured to move, let alone walk. Clarke can feel as her eyes begin to scan her body, observe where she is wounded and just how badly. It is only when she finds the blood coming through the fabric of her shirt that Clarke can feel as her heart stops. She has a large gun wound in her abdomen, and she is beginning to lose too much blood. Clarke feels as if her whole body goes numb by the vision in front of her. This can not be happening, not to Tamari. Not to someone who has an eight year old daughter waiting back in Polis. Maybe that is just why Tamari is so determined in getting back with the others. She needs to for her daughter. 

'' Mom! “ 

Clarke calls back, before she is quick to put both of her hands over the wound on Tamari’s abdomen. With a light pressure she holds her hands still against her flesh to keep more blood from getting lost. She has to help her get better, not only for her but for her daughter. Clarke is aware how she has already lost her father and Tamari’s daughter does not deserve to lose a mother too. Yet, it doesn’t take long before Clarke can feel Abby kneel on the ground beside her. Her eyes observing just how badly the situation is before a heavy exhale escape her lips. A consoling touch of Abby’s hand soon finds its way to land over Clarke’s shoulder, and with that, Clarke meets her eyes. 

“ Why aren’t you doing anything? Help her! “

The expression in Abby’s eyes and the way her jaw tightly clenches, only makes Clarke feel even more panicked. It only makes Clarke’s heart beat faster and her hands to shiver more than before. Clarke has seen that look before, it is the same look Clarke has seen her mother give when there is no hope left. Only there _ has _ to be now, _ it has to. _Clarke tilts her head, only to find Tamari looking back up at Abby with watery eyes.

“ She knows, that it will not help. “ Tamari starts with a shortness of breath. Her eyes turn to lock with Clarke’s, and the sight alone is enough to make her own eyes burn. No. Clarke will not leave her here, not like this. 

“ You’re gonna be fine. “ 

Clarke press her hands more firmly over Tamari’s abdomen, and it doesn’t take long before her own hands are soaked with blood from the steady pressure she applies. It lingers on the skin in the palms of her hands, but Clarke doesn’t care. She _ has _to help her get better, so that they can go back to Polis together. To find Lexa and to find her daughter. 

“ _ Clarke _. “ Abby breathes, her hand gripping by Clarke’s shoulder. Yet, Clarke has no time for her mother’s words now. She doesn’t need to know that it is bad, because she already knows that is it, although that will not stop her from trying. 

“ No! “ Clarke calls back. With brows furrowed on top of her forehead, revealing the wrinkles in between, Clarke looks back at her mother. 

“ She has a daughter. “ Clarke whispers, her head tilts and she can notice Abby doing the same by the realization. She has a daughter who _needs _her. A nightblood child who will not make it through the next conclave without her mother’s help. Tamari is supposed to train her for that, so that she has a chance to win.

“ Stella. “ Tamari struggles to get out in a whisper of breath, and Clarke glances back at her by the familiar name. Yet it takes a while for Clarke to fully realize from where she recognizes it. _ Stella _. It is just then, with the name spinning on loop in her mind that Clarke remembers, and when she does, Clarke feels as her shoulders sink and her body becomes heavier. The nightblood child that Lexa was training. The child with so much worry in her eyes and who was terrified by each hit aimed for her. It is her. Tamari’s daughter is the one from the training session, the one from the wall. The young girl who insisted on putting Clarke’s hand on the wall of hope. It is her, Stella. 

Clarke closes her eyes by the realization. Her throat starts feeling too thick to let her breathe, and her heart pounds painfully hard in the uneven rhythm it finds. No, no, no, no. Yet, Clarke swallows down the thickness she can feel only grow more firmly in her throat. She exhales heavily before she opens her eyes soon after, forcing a painful smile to cover her lips. A smile to calm Tamari, a smile to try to assure her that everything is going to be okay. She has to make herself seem stronger than she is, she has to make the situation seem not nearly as bad as it is for Tamari to find peace. 

“ Okay. “ Clarke whispers. The painful smile hurts as she tries to keep it stuck on her lips. Her whole face hurting the more she tries to make sure that the smile stays there. 

“ Just stay still, okay? “ 

“ We’ll find Lexa and she’ll be here any minute.”

Clarke makes sure to remove some of the hair that falls over Tamari’s face. Yet the motion only leaves a blood streak over her skin from the blood that lingered upon Clarke’s hand, and the sight only makes Clarke’s gut clench even harder. She swallows back the thickness in her throat that stirs by the tears that start to find their way to her burning eyes. 

“ Just a few more minutes. “ Clarke whispers, as she caress Tamari’s cheek. She can clearly hear Tamari struggle for breath and how her lungs are starting to collapse. It is painful to listen to, and by this moment she is too far gone to be able to get any words out. Tamari’s lungs are too focused on trying to keep her breathing, on fighting to keep her alive. Clarke tries to hush the sound, tries to make Tamari calm down. She does her best to offer Tamari some peaceful last minutes. No matter how hard it is to listen to Tamari’s body struggling to keep her heart beating, Clarke has to support her through this. She has to assure her that it is okay. Yet with every shortness of breath, it is starting to get more painful to listen to. And it doesn’t take long before Tamari starts to struggle to even keep her eyes open. She starts to drift between unconsciousness and reality, and her body start to shift to daze. Clarke feels as the muscles around her heart tightens by the sight. How her eyes burn to the point that it is starting to become painful, and her fingers shake as she slowly traces the skin on Tamari’s cheek.

When Clarke hears Tamari gasp the next time, she makes sure to hush the sound. Makes sure to swallow down her own feelings and smile back painfully at the woman in her lap. 

“ It‘s okay. “ Clarke whispers. Tears burning inside her eyes, making her vision blurry while she tries to force the smile to stay on her lips. She realizes that there is not enough time left for Tamari to be able to stay alive long enough for Lexa to arrive. And even if there were, there is nothing that Lexa will be able to do either. 

“ You can go. It’s okay. “ Clarke assures in a whisper when Tamari struggles for breath a second time, her watery eyes locked on Clarke’s, and Clarke can almost see the panic in her eyes. Her eyelids look heavy as she’s fighting to keep them open, and her chest raises in a painful rhythm. Yet, Clarke makes sure to caress the skin on her cheek. She tries to keep her own tears from falling but by the time Tamari’s eyes slowly closes, there is no point. Tears find their way running down her cheeks. Burning into her skin while she witness the sight in front of her. While she watches Tamari greet the light of death, feeling her body go weightless and still as her eyes rolls back into her head. Hearing as her lungs struggles for a last breath, and the heavy exhale that leaves the depth of her throat, creates a cloud of fog in the air above. It soon fades out into nothingness, and Clarke can only watch as Tamari does the same. With tears streaming down her own cheeks, and with hands shaking as she holds onto the woman in front of her, Clarke watches has Tamari’s soul fades. How her body becomes weightless and her lungs stop to breathe. She’s gone. Clarke may have not known Tamari well, yet it was enough to make tears fall down her cheeks. Enough to feel the lump in her throat and enough to make it hard to breathe.

Clarke closes her eyes, feeling her body sink down as it starts feeling heavier. She hears as the silence creeps in. A silence that does not consist of hearing Tamari gasp in a shortness of breath. A silence that solely consist of a realization to hit her. A realization of death. Still, Clarke can feel the slow movements of her mother's hand over her back. It moves in a consoling rhythm over her back. A rhythm to calm her. 

“ I’m sorry. “ Bellamy whispers, yet it is not an apology she wants. All of this happened because they started to attack innocent grounder villages. Tamari is dead and her child lost a mother because Clarke’s own people are so afraid of the Grounders. So afraid of a group of people that they don’t even know. Clarke opens her eyes a moment later, she moves her wrist under her nose to keep it from running by the tears that stirred. 

“ It’s too late now. “ Clarke whispers before rising to her feet. It doesn’t matter what he says anymore. All of these people are already dead. 

“ I need to find Lexa. “ She speaks, low and shaky, watching as her mother looks back with an uncertainty in her eyes. Yet Clarke doesn’t care, she _ needs _to find Lexa.

  
  
  
  


__________________

Clarke moves in what starts feeling like slow motion as she makes her way over to the forest. Over to where Bellamy said he last saw the others, and where he last saw Lexa. She moves with the muscles cramping in her legs and with her lungs struggling to let her breathe properly. The image of watching Tamari die in front of her, still plays on loop in her mind. The sound of her last breath still echoes almost too loud, and Clarke doesn’t know how to get rid of it. How can someone get rid of an image like that? How will they be able to explain to Stella that her mother died in this war? Clarke starts feeling nauseous by the thought, and her mind drift to daze as her mind spins. The vision in front of her is blurry and Clarke is not sure if it is because of the tears in her eyes or because of the unconsciousness she finds herself drifting off to. She is on the verge of passing out, to faint right here and now. Right where the forest begins and the darkness lingers.

Clarke had told the others to stay behind, to look for survivors and to check on the others that Pike has locked up inside the Ark. Of the ones he locked up simply for disagreeing with his actions. They should still be in there, still in the Ark. Also, Clarke figured that she could take care of herself for now. She would only go to the forest to look for the others and then come back. Something she could do herself. Or so she thought. Now Clarke starts to wonder if maybe she should have taken someone with her. Maybe her mother should have followed, because Clarke does not feel like passing out in the forest, alone, with no one to help her. Because that is exactly what is about to happen, and Clarke is fast to steady herself with the palm of her hand on a tree. She breathes heavily, the exhale forming like a cloud in the air around while her heart pounds. Her vision is blurry as her mind spins, and Clarke is not sure how much longer she can continue. All the worry that has built up inside of her the last couple of hours, the worry for Lexa, the death of Tamari. It now starts to burst inside her, and her body starts to give in. Starts to move in daze while fighting to not pass out.

She closes her eyes, trying to stop her mind from spinning and her head to throb. Tries to stop the pulsing pain she can feel grow in her chest. She closes her eyes in hope that her vision will be clearer the next time she opens them. Hoping that the ground will stop feeling like it is moving from underneath her feet. Yet, it doesn’t take long until she can feel her eyes roll back, her body sink down as her legs struggle to keep her up. It doesn’t take long until Clarke can feel the touch of a firm hand over her shoulder. A warm touch to steady her. A warm touch that grabs by both of her shoulders to turn her around, to steady her. And it doesn’t take long before Clarke can feel the light whisper reach her ears. 

“ _ Clarke? _ “ 

Clarke opens her eyes the moment she recognizes her own name. She opens her eyes only to find her vision as blurry as before, unable to recognize the person in front of her. And Clarke finds herself falling forward, her hands grab by the strong body in front of her. Grab by the sides of their arms as she tries to steady herself. Yet, it doesn’t take long until she can feel the other person's hands slide firmly over her back, keeping Clarke close and steady on her feet. It doesn’t take long until Clarke can feel them tug a string of hair behind Clarke’s ear, removing it from the front of her face before they call out her name again. Yet the words fades to blur, and the voice echoes in the back of her head. 

“ Clarke. “ They try again, more firmly this time, and Clarke glances back up by the realization of the familiar voice. Of the voice that makes her heart speed and the voice that makes her hold her breath. She tilts her head in an attempt to get a better look, and blinks away the blur from her eyes. 

‘’ Lexa? ‘’ She breathes as the vision becomes clearer and she starts recognizing the woman in front of her. The warm embrace of her body holds Clarke close and the firm grip of her hands on Clarke’s back keeps Clarke from falling down onto the mud-covered ground. And just like that, Clarke starts noticing the familiar features of her face. Of the war paint that has her cheeks covered black, of the armor that hangs heavily onto her shoulder. Clarke stares into the depth of her eyes, eyes dark from how blown her pupils are by the darkness of the forest. She has blood covering the features in her face, and her brows are furrowed high on top of her forehead in a worried expression while her lips are barely parted. She stares back into the blue of Clarke’s eyes, worriedly and in fear. Her eyes begin to observe every part of Clarke’s body, traveling over it in a desperate search for injuries.

‘’ You never left. ‘’ Lexa whispers in more of an observation than a question, and Clarke shakes her head. She brings her hands to cup both sides of Lexa’s cheeks before she closes her eyes. She moves her index finger lightly to caress the skin over Lexa’s pulse point. The desperate need to feel the warmth of Lexa’s body under the tip of her fingers. To feel Lexa alive and breathing under her skin. Holding her close, draws at an energy that Clarke didn’t know she had left. Her head doesn’t feel nearly as dizzy and her stomach not nearly as nauseous. Yet, it doesn’t take long until Lexa lightly pulls back. She keeps her hands steady over Clarke’s upper-arms while her eyes observe her body from far, and Clarke finds her own hands sliding down to Lexa’s biceps. 

‘’ Are you hurt? ‘’ She asks, low and gentle, and Clarke shakes her head. 

‘’ No. ‘’

With that, Lexa meets her eyes again. Slow and careful and with an hesitation lingering in the depth of her eyes. Clarke is about to fall apart just by the sight, just by the knowledge that Lexa is safe and that Lexa is _ here. _ Here in her arms. So many hours that Clarke spent worrying, so many hours she spent only to imagine the worst. Now here she is, in the arms of Lexa. Holding onto Lexa’s arms like there’s no tomorrow. Her fingers digging into the sides of her arms. Feeling the wet fabric of her coat under her fingertips. Watching as the rain has smudged at the warpaint on her face. Yet, she is beautiful. Just like this, at the end of war. Lexa still manage to look beautiful. 

Clarke exhales deeply by feeling Lexa so close to her, and a breath she didn’t even realize she was holding leaves her heavy lungs. 

“ You should not be here, Clarke. “ She hears Lexa whisper from under her breath. Hears as the words reaches her ears. 

“ I did not want you to see this. “ Lexa whispers, yet Clarke is fast to hush her. It is okay, Lexa is okay. For now, that is all that matters. Clarke does not want to think about anything else, does not want to think about all the innocent lives that was taken tonight. What matters for now, is that Lexa is alive and well. She is not injured or hurt in any way. That is enough to calm the speeding of Clarke’s heart, and enough to make her feel somewhat at ease. 

“ I needed to see you. “ Clarke pauses, feeling the lump in the back of her throat grow firm and steady. 

“ I thought you’d left. “ 

“ We are. “ Lexa whispers back, and Clarke glances back up. Her eyes travel to over Lexa’s shoulder, noticing the other warriors standing further away, and Clarke finds herself stepping away from Lexa by the sight. No matter how much she wants to keep holding onto her, she also knows how important it is to not reveal too much of their relationship. Clarke knows how much Lexa risks by doing so. She feels as Lexa’s eyes glance over her, studying every change of expression on Clarke’s face. Yet, Clarke’s eyes lock on the warriors the moment she finds Indra standing further away, together with Tristan and,,, Pike. Clarke feels her whole body go numb by the sight. Lexa’s warriors have him tied up with his hands behind his back, and his face covered with blood. 

Lexa must have noticed what Clarke’s eyes caught, must have noticed her staring and go numb under her touch. Because it doesn’t take long until Lexa clenches her jaw and shifts uncomfortable in her step. 

“ _ Clarke. _“ She breathes, yet Clarke remains silent. She remains silent until there’s only one question circling in her mind. 

“ Where are you taking him? “

“ To the village by the river. “ Lexa explains, calm and slow. 

“ You’re killing him? “ 

Clarke can feel Lexa hesitate, yet soon give in and nod back. Clarke can’t help but feeling a bit relieved by the knowledge. Maybe that makes her to a horrible person, still she can’t seem to find any pity for the man. Not after everything that he has done. Honestly, after everything that he has done, she wishes that she could be the one to take the life from him. To look into his eyes while she kills him. It can’t be sane to think like that, however it is the only thing that would feel like a closure for her.

She glances back up at Lexa, feeling as her heart pulses deep in her throat before she caress Lexa’s arm and moves past her. Moves past her and closer to the other warriors, closer to Pike. She moves with the legs shaking underneath her body, and with her heart jumping in her chest. She moves until her breathing gets uneven and she barely even can think clearly. She can feel everyone’s eyes on her, as well as Lexa’s, yet it doesn’t stop her from continuing forward and walk up close to Pike. She stops, only to take a deep intake of breath, feeling Lexa get closer too as Clarke stares deep into Pike’s eyes. Eyes filled with fear. Eyes tired after the war. Blood runs down the skin on his cheeks, and he has a few cuts and bruises over the skin on his face. 

“ I can’t understand what you’ve done, and I can’t forgive it either. “ Clarke pauses, watching as the words reaches Pike’s ears. 

“ I was hoping that you could live a life long enough to suffer for the consequences of your actions. “ 

“ But if that’s not going to happen, then I want to be the last one you see before you die. “

And with that, Clarke steps back to Lexa’s side. She reaches for the sword from Lexa’s back, hidden by the brown of her hair. It doesn’t take long for Clarke to get a hold of it, and it goes just as fast for Clarke to stab it into Pike’s abdomen. Cut through his flesh while watching the life leave his eyes. Her hands steady and firm around the sword, just like Lexa had taught her. Her foundation strong while she stabs the sword onto his skin with the help of the strength from her legs. Remembering each word of what Lexa taught her, about how and where to hold the sword the correct way and for the results to be most effective. She pushes forward, hearing the gasp leave Pike’s lips while his eyes roll back. Pushes forward as she hears how the others move around her. She pushes forward, feeling the end of the sword cut through his flesh, before his eyes close and his body sinks. Watching as life leaves his body, and it is just then, that Clarke pulls back. Fast and steady, feeling as the numbness start to creep in over her. Feeling nothing but empty by watching the man she just killed in front of her. Yet, Clarke can’t help but to stare blank in front of her, feeling her hands shake around the sword. Noticing in the corner of her eyes how Lexa holds up a hand in a gesture for her warriors to stand still.

Clarke suppose that killing someone, no matter who it is, should make her feel some kind of guilt or sorrow. Some kind of feeling other than the numbness she can feel now. Because staring down on Pike’s lifeless body, she feels _ nothing. _Nothing for the man she just took his life from. And with a deep exhale, Clarke can only feel as Lexa moves closer. Slow and careful she approaches Clarke’s side, and she can soon feel as Lexa begins to trace her fingers down the length of Clarke’s arms as she reaches for the sword. 

“ It is okay. “ Lexa whispers. She moves her fingers so slowly over Clarke’s, so slowly as she begins to take the sword from the palms of her hands. 

“ It is okay, just give me the sword, Clarke. “ Lexa whispers from under her breath. And Clarke does as she wishes. She carefully lets go of her hold around the sword, giving it up completely to Lexa. Watching as the end of it is soaked with red blood. Pike’s red blood. The blood that Clarke caused to end up on there. She feels as Lexa keeps her eyes steady on Clarke, trying to be there for her in the best way she can under the circumstances. Maybe Clarke shouldn’t have killed him, maybe she should have left that completely up to the Grounders to deal with. Yet, she couldn’t hold back. The anger she’s felt for everything that’s happened, for the villages they have attacked and for Tamari who died because of it, it all became too much and Clarke let it get to her. Maybe she shouldn’t have, but at least it’s over. That death, was for Tamari and for everyone else who lost their lives because of Pike.

Clarke swallows thickly before stepping back, stepping closer to Lexa’s side as she starts to notice the other warriors shift further away. 

“ Heda. “ Tristan calls out, and it immediately makes Lexa turn. 

“ The clan by the river expected justice. His death belonged to them. “ 

Lexa shoots back a glaring look, her chin raising before she puts the sword back in its place. 

“ He belonged to Clarke’s people. “ Lexa starts, steady and clear for everyone to hear. 

“ This was up to her. “

Clarke can feel as the words calm her, knowing that Lexa has her back, to support her. Yet, Clarke didn’t even think about how the other clans probably would have wanted to stick to tradition. To get justice for every life Pike has taken from them. Now Clarke took that away. In a selfish moment for herself. Because he killed the innocent, he should have suffered the pain of all their deaths. Just like Finn had to. Or should have had to, yet Clarke took that too. But Finn had been different, because at the time, Clarke didn’t feel like he deserved it. Thinking back at it now, maybe he did, but Clarke knows that she would probably not have done it differently now either.

The touch of Lexa’s hand over Clarke’s bicep, is enough to draw Clarke out of her heavy thoughts. It is enough the let out the breath she’s holding and enough to feel her shoulders sink. The touch of Lexa always manage to calm her, to make her feel safe, and Clarke realizes that she doesn’t want to spend another minute without it. She doesn’t want to waste another minute of not being with Lexa. She turns to face her, green eyes dark by how blown her pupils are stares right back at the blue of Clarke’s. The softness lingers on the surface, and Clarke already feel at home. 

“ I want to come with you. “ Clarke starts, noticing Lexa raise her chin by the words sneaking through. 

“ To Polis. “ 

“ I need to come with you. “ 

  
  
  
  
  


________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was a little longer, like I said in the last one I've had a hard time deciding on where I should divide the last one, this one and the next one, but I hope you guys enjoy it and that it doesn't seem too rushed or too slow :/ 
> 
> ANYWAY LEXA'S BACK and she's here to stay for the last chapters that are left, finally. Hahaha I've missed writing her scenes with Clarke so it feels good to have her back, and I really enjoyed writing this chapter. However, we did lose two characters in this chapter, and one was probably more sad than the other ( at least I hope so ). It will be sad that Tamari is gone now, and in the upcoming chapters we will see how they all deal with it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have had so much free time and motivation to write lately, so I've been updating a lot hahah! I hope you enjoy the chapters as we are beginning to reach the end of this story. I know that some were not really happy with how I dealt with things in the last chapter but I am hoping that you will still want to continue to read this! :)
> 
> Anyway thank you for all your lovely feedback, I really do appreciate ALL of it so thank you! And now I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

As insane as it sounds, Clarke has imagined Pike’s death for months. Imagined what his death would mean for everyone else. Imagined what his death could bring to the ones left behind. Would it finally bring peace? Would it finally set a stop to all the killing? Clarke has never been sure, it has been a moment of horror yet a moment of relief that has been spinning in her mind for months. A thought that her mind has been urging her to do. A thought that her mind has been pushing at ever since Pike first started to talk about his hatred for the Grounders. In one moment where everything turned pitch black, Clarke had taken Lexa’s sword in help to take the life from the person she hated the most. In one moment of blur she had let her demons take control over her. Tristan had called her a coward and _ weak _for doing so. He saw it as an act of selfishness and weakness. Because yet again, Clarke had deprived the Grounders from their justice. Making Pike’s death not nearly as sufferable as he deserved. Clarke still has no idea what had been going on in her mind at the moment. All she knows is that she wanted to be able to look into Pike’s eyes as he took his final breath. 

Lexa had made sure to send Tristan to the village by the river together with a group of warriors and together with Pike’s body. To the village where Pike last attacked and where numerous people lost their lives. They will have to decide what to do with Pike’s body. Many of them expected him to return alive, they expected to make him suffer in a way that he forced them to. Yet, Clarke took that away from them in what Tristan would call, _ a selfish act. _Lexa had tried to save the situation by explaining that it was up to Clarke, yet Clarke knows that she solely did that for the purpose of saving Clarke. To not put Clarke in danger. She knows that deep down, Lexa agrees with her people, that they deserved Pike’s death and should have been the ones to take it and to get justice for it. And maybe they should have. Maybe Clarke did wrong yet again by not giving them that. 

‘’ I’m sorry. ‘’ Clarke whispers as she packs her bag ready with the things she needs to take with her to Polis. She can feel Lexa shift behind her, glancing up to study every movement Clarke makes from where they stand inside Clarke’s room. 

‘’ I know. ‘’ Lexa lets out from under her breath, and Clarke can feel as the tightness in her chest slowly softens. She is aware of the kind of risks she’s putting Lexa in. Not only by having the relationship that they are having, but also for putting her in the middle of all the tough decisions. Clarke is aware how Lexa has more than once bent their rules for them to benefit Clarke, and for Clarke to not get hurt. It is just a matter of time before her people figures it out and starts to hold it against her. 

‘’ I shouldn’t have done that. ‘’ Clarke continues, sincere and honest and she clearly hears how Lexa exhales from behind her before stepping closer. 

‘’ I understand your hurt, Clarke. ‘’ Lexa pauses, and Clarke immediately turns by the words. The vision of Lexa still takes her breath away, still makes her feel like she is dreaming. Clarke stares deep between Lexa’s eyes. Feeling the depth of green captivate her own. It draws her in and eases the pounding of her heart. 

“ Though, you will have to understand our ways and let us hold onto them. “ 

Lexa explains, slow and gentle, and Clarke nods. She is aware of the wrong she did, and for the horrible position she put Lexa in and forced her to deal with. She never meant to, but in a moment of darkness she could not think straight. Her eyes meets the floor between them, hiding behind the guilt that start to creep up on her. 

‘’ Why did you not leave? ‘’ Lexa asks suddenly, and Clarke glances back up. Lexa’s brows are furrowed on top of her forehead, and her eyes searching for answers. Searching for answers as to why Clarke didn’t listen, _again_, and stayed behind even though Lexa had made it clear that it was important to go. 

'’ It’s a long story. ‘’ Clarke sighs, and her mind gets interrupted the moment the door opens to pull at her attention. She watches as Abby holds onto the door, her eyes scan between the other two in the room and Clarke can notice in the corner of her eyes how Lexa steps back before clasping her hands together behind her back. 

‘’ Sorry, I didn’t mean to.. ‘’ Abby pauses, before she lets her gaze lock on Clarke, and on the bag in front of her. 

‘’ Lexa, may I have a moment alone with my daughter? ‘’ She asks, yet Clarke can tell that it is more of a demand than a question and Lexa waste no time in denying it. She tilts her chin down in a small nod, before her eyes turn to Clarke. Yet it is only when Clarke blinks back in response and slowly nods that Lexa walks past Abby to exit the room, leaving both Clarke and Abby alone in the room in what starts to feel like a staring contest. 

Clarke can practically feel Abby’s thoughts from where she stands by the doorframe. Thoughts so loud that Clarke is almost able to hear them even before her mother starts to walk further into the room. Abby has not been very fond of the Grounders either. Not close to what Pike felt, but Kane has been trying to ease her up on the idea of getting to know them. Clarke knows that she is trying, it is hard probably but she’s gotta start somewhere. 

‘’ What are you doing? ‘’ Abby asks, while walking up close to Clarke’s side. Watching as she packs the bag full of clothes and other supplies she needs to take with her to Polis. 

‘’ Packing. ‘’ Clarke responds while folding the shirt to put in the bag. 

‘’ I can see that, why? ‘’ 

Clarke sighs, she can clearly feel her mother’s eyes stare back at her, observing every move she makes and watching extra careful what Clarke puts down into the bag. 

'’ Because I’m going back to Polis with Lexa. ‘’ 

'’ What? ‘’ 

‘’ I’m going to convert myself to the Trikru clan. ‘’ 

‘’ Like hell you are! ‘’ 

Abby is fast to put her hand over the opening of the bag, preventing Clarke from being able to put anything else in it. Yet, Clarke can only feel the frustration grow from the tip of her toes before she exhales deeply. She knew that her mother would never agree on the decision. Especially not now, after everything that has happened recently. 

‘’ Did Lexa ask you to do this? ‘’ 

‘’ Lexa _doesn’t know_ about this. ‘’ Clarke is quick to assure, before turning over to look at her mother. 

'’ She only knows that I’m coming with her to Polis but she doesn’t know that I want to.. ‘’ Clarke pauses, feeling her mother’s eyes burn into her in a sharp stare. Abby’s head tilts lightly while she’s watching over Clarke. She hasn’t told Lexa of her plans yet. Clarke is not even sure if it is possible to convert to another clan, but after what’s happened. Clarke doesn’t want to spend another minute without Lexa. She doesn't want to be associated with Skaikru any longer. And besides, there is nothing left for her here. All her friends have left to live with Luna. To start a new life there. So why can't Clarke start a new life in Polis?

‘’ Clarke, think about this please. ‘’ Abby shifts in her position beside Clarke, making sure that Clarke hears exactly everything she needs to hear. 

'’ You always rush into things without thinking about the consequences. ‘’ 

‘’ Just like your father. ‘’ 

Clarke huffs, her eyes turning away from her mother. She doesn’t have time to listen to this. Lexa and some of her warriors are still waiting for her, and ready to go back home. Still, it doesn’t matter what her mother thinks. Because Clarke has never felt more sure of anything in her life. She needs to do this. She needs to do something for herself for _once_. Yet, Clarke can only feel her mother’s eyes sharpen the moment that she realizes that what she is saying doesn’t matter to Clarke. 

‘’ Clarke, they just caused a war. ‘’ 

‘’ No, _we did_. ‘’ Clarke is quick to fill in. She is not going to let the Grounders take the blame for what happened. She is not going to let _Lexa_ take the blame for it. 

‘’ _We_ did wrong, mom. ‘’ 

Clarke watches as Abby sighs, her shoulders sink and Clarke realizes that Abby probably knows deep down that Clarke is right. She knows that what’s been going on is because of their people, and that the attack would not have happened if they wouldn’t have attacked first. If Pike wouldn’t have. Yet, she can still tell that this plan that she has, is not ideal to her mother. It is not something she approves of, and not something she wants Clarke to go through with. Clarke knows it. She can see it deep in her mother’s eyes. She can see it by the way her jaw clenches and by the way her brow furrows. 

‘’ Is this because she’s a Grounder? ‘’ Clarke makes sure to ask, because she needs to know, and honestly it wouldn’t surprise Clarke if that is exactly the reason. It probably is. Yet, her mother moves forward, her spine straightens. 

‘’ No. ‘’ 

Abby moves closer and lowers her voice.

‘’ It’s because she’s the _ Commander _, Clarke. ‘’

The reasoning is enough to draw a sigh to leave the depth of Clarke’s throat. Her mother doesn’t know Lexa enough to even make accusations. She has no idea what it is like. And honestly, Clarke does not have time to explain it either. So she reaches for the gun from the table in the middle of the room. Wondering if maybe she should just leave it back in Arkadia. Wondering if she should just start a new life without it back in Polis. Looking down on it in the palm of her hand, Clarke starts to realize just how normal it feels to have it there. And just how scary the thought of that is. She doesn’t want to be the person who depends on a gun to protect her from things. If she’s asking Lexa to start acting with less violence, then maybe she should too. So she puts the gun down on the table again, feeling her mother shift from beside her, clearly not ready to leave the conversation they just had. 

‘’ Clarke. ‘’ She starts, and Clarke raises her eyebrows from where she stands without looking back at her mother. 

'’ I understand that you get lonely and might need some.. ‘’ Abby pauses and Clarke glances back up by the silence that occurs. Yet her mother takes a breath and starts again. 

‘’ .. human contact. ‘’

‘’ Mom!’’ 

Clarke is fast to zip the bag close. She can not believe that she’s having _ this _ conversation with her mother. It is the one thing that she does not want to talk about with her, and one thing she _won’t_ talk about. 

‘’ It’s completely normal, Clarke. ‘’ 

Clarke pulls her hands over her face, she swipe them up to remove the hair that had managed to fall down. And with her hands still on top of her head, she realizes that her mother actually has no idea what is going on. She doesn’t know, and she doesn’t understand. Sure, it might be easy to get lonely sometimes, but this is about much more than just physical contact. So, Clarke takes a breath, takes a breath before she lowers her chin. 

‘’ It’s not about that. ‘’ 

‘’ I love her, mom. ‘’ 

‘’ I am _in love_ with her. ‘’ 

Clarke glances back up at her mother by the words. It is the first time she has said it out loud. She has known it herself for a while now, but never had the courage to actually say it. To say it for anyone to hear. And now that she has, she is afraid for the response she is going to get. Still, she watches with wrinkles appearing in between her eyebrows and with her jaw tightening how her mother reacts to the words. Watching how Abby takes a deep breath to her lungs before taking a small step back. 

” _ Clarke. “ _Abby whispers, and Clarke thickly swallows. 

“ A life with her is not going to be easy. “ 

Clarke lets her shoulders sink, feeling how the words gets to her. Feeling how the realization tightens the thickness in her chest and throat, making it hard for her to breathe. Maybe she is right, but Clarke would rather have that than not have the possibility to have a life with her at all. 

“ Life is never easy. “ Clarke pauses. 

“ Not for any of us. “ 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_____________________

Clarke had first figured that Abby would have given her a harder time to follow Lexa to Polis. She wasn’t too pleased with the idea, yet it had been easier to convince her than Clarke first thought. She had expected more of an outrage, and more reasons about how Clarke is making a _ huge mistake _. Still, Abby had let her go surprisingly easy. Maybe she does rush into things without thinking about the consequences, and maybe she has gotten that from her father. Maybe she is too quick in doing what she thinks is right without thinking about what can happen next. Her father had been the same, and it had been something that eventually got him floated. But Clarke feels so sure about this, about being with Lexa. She has never been more sure of anything, and she has never wanted anything nearly as bad. And if someday, Clarke looks back on this moment, she believes that she will be proud of her old self, or at least support her. Because she would look back on this moment and remember that she did it out of love, and remember this moment as the first time she was truly in love, and Clarke believes she would be okay with that. 

As Clarke steps outside of the Ark, noticing Lexa kneel on the ground by Tamari’s lifeless body, she only becomes even more sure of her decision. The vision of Lexa makes her heart beat in a rhythm she’s never felt before. Her heart aches when she is around her, and when she isn’t, she wants to be. She has fallen madly in love with Lexa, and any decision that results in Clarke being with her, is a good decision. 

Clarke sighs before stepping up close to Lexa’s side. Her heart breaks by the vision in front of her. Watching as the rain has cleaned the wound from blood over Tamari’s abdomen. Watching as her hair and the skin on her face is filled with mud from the dirty ground she’s lying on. Clarke can feel as her eyes begin to burn yet again by the sight, and she can still see the image of how Tamari struggled in her last couple of minutes. Of how badly she had wanted to catch up with the others and get a chance to go home to her daughter. Still, she never got further than close to the gates. Clarke closes her eyes by the realization. The sound of Tamari’s last breath still echoes in the back of her head, and she wishes that there is something that she could do to get it out. 

“ Are you okay? “ 

Clarke opens her eyes the moment she hears Lexa’s soft tone. She glances down to where she kneels on the mud-covered ground. Watching how Lexa’s eyes are gentle and calm. The sight is enough for Clarke to release the breath she didn’t even realize she was holding. It makes her swallow through the thickness in her throat before she turn her gaze back on Tamari. 

“ I was here when she died. “ Clarke starts, feeling as the words struggle to reach through. 

“ I wanted to help her but.. “ 

“ .. she was too far gone. “ 

Lexa must have noticed how Clarke is fighting through the sentences, fighting to keep the tears from falling. She must have noticed how it all affects Clarke painful and hard by how she puts a light touch of her hand on Clarke's leg. 

“ I am sure she knew. “ Lexa whispers, and Clarke meets her eyes. There is something captivating in the way Lexa looks at her, and in the way that only her eyes are able to make Clarke feel safer and more calm. Clarke is not sure how it is possible. How Lexa barely even needs to say anything for Clarke to immediately feel better, and for Clarke to feel like everything is going to be okay. It is something that lingers in the depth of Lexa’s eyes. Eyes painted green by the beauty of the forest. 

She watches, with shoulders not nearly as tense, how Lexa pulls out a knife. She moves closer to Tamari’s body, reaching for the braid in her hair. 

“ _ Yu gonplei ste odon. “ _Lexa speaks, low but clear, before cutting off the braid. And Clarke realizes that she never said the words to Tamari. She never let her hear it before she was gone. She never made sure that Tamari got to hear the words, she deserved to hear it. However, Clarke was too caught up in her own emotions that she didn’t get to tell her, and she didn’t get to promise her that she will make sure that her daughter is safe. 

Clarke stares blank in front of her as the realization hits. She should have told her. After everything that Tamari has helped her with. After making Clarke feel safe and at home, both in Polis and back on their journey to Arkadia. She should have told her. There are so many things that Clarke should have told her, but she didn’t, and now she will never be able to. She feels as her lungs cramp by the thoughts in her mind. The thoughts that tries to blame Clarke and remind her of everything she has done wrong. However, it doesn’t take long before she feels as Lexa rises to her feet beside her. She keeps the braid secured on the inside of her coat before she turn her gaze to Clarke. 

“ Are you ready to leave Arkadia, Clarke? “ Lexa asks. The words are tempting, and there is nothing that Clarke wants more in this moment, and it doesn’t take long for her to nod back in response. And it doesn’t take long for Clarke to follow Lexa back to the gates where her warriors are waiting.

She follows Lexa silently and willingly to the horses by the gates. Most of Lexa’s warriors have already been sent home, or sent to go with Tristan to the river. To the clan that expects Pike’s body to be delivered. Yet a few had been told to stay and wait. All with their own horses, horses in different colors and with their own armors. Clarke is not sure if the armor is solely for the sake of looking tough, or if they actually make sure to secure the horses too. Either way, Clarke thinks that it is cute. Because even the horses have warpaint over their bodies. 

Clarke waits and watches while Lexa throws one leg after the other and makes herself steady on top of her horse. The red cloth from her shoulder armor hangs down the length of the horse’s body, and Clarke only watches as Lexa reaches down her arm. She reaches down her arm for Clarke to get a hold of, reaching it down to help Clarke get up on the horse and for her to sit steady and safe behind her. Clarke probably could have taken her own horse back to Polis. It probably would have been more comfortable, both for the horse and for Clarke and Lexa too. Although, Clarke enjoys this more. She enjoys to have a reason to sit close to Lexa. A reason to be close to her and let her hands hold firmly around Lexa’s waist. She enjoys being able to feel the warmth of Lexa’s body pressed against her own, even by how wet their clothes are. She doesn’t mind spending three days on the horse behind Lexa like this. If anything, she almost looks forward to it. Because now, she doesn’t have to worry or feel the same kind of fear any longer. Now, Lexa is close to her and she is not going anywhere. At least not without Clarke. However, Clarke is pulled from her thoughts the moment she hears her name being called out, and Clarke turns her gaze in sync with the warriors around her. She watches from far how her mother makes her way over to the gates. She makes her way over with Clarke’s bag in one of her hands. 

“ You almost forgot. “ She lets out in a ragged breath the moment she approaches them. She gives Clarke the bag, making sure that she gets it with her on her return to Polis, and Clarke is fast to put it over her shoulder. 

“ Thank you. “ 

The words pull at an hesitant smile at her mother’s lips, and Clarke knows that she appreciates the words. Just like Clarke appreciates that her mother is in fact, letting her follow Lexa back to Polis. Clarke figures that she would have left whether or not her mother would have allowed it, still it feels good to have her say goodbye and watch her leave. She is going to miss her mother, and she feels a bit of guilt for leaving, especially now when everyone else have left to find Luna. And especially when all that’s left for Abby is a camp full of dead bodies. 

Clarke soon notices how her mother shifts her gaze to Lexa. Keeping her stare sharp at her, not finding any fear for Lexa’s title as the Commander. 

“ You make sure to keep my daughter safe. “ Is all she says, steady and clear, and Clarke can feel as the words pull at her own lips this time. This time, it is Clarke’s turn to smile by the words. But Lexa nods back, slow and surely, and Clarke knows that she is honest. She knows that she will be safe with Lexa in Polis, she knows that Lexa is going to protect her. And Clarke is going to do all she can to return the favor, and to protect her back. Because Clarke figures, that it is something you do wholeheartedly for someone _special. _

  
  
  
  


__________________

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- translation -
> 
> yu gonplei stei odon = your fight is over.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so in this chapter I've written something that I have never written before, which makes this the chapter that I am most nervous to post. I really hope that you like it, and if you don't, please be nice anyway because it's my birthday today haha! 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think!

They have already spent almost three days on top of their horses and on their way back to Polis. The journey back has felt surprisingly shorter than when Clarke returned to Arkadia. She is not sure if it is because this time, she got to have Lexa with her on her journey. This time, she has Lexa’s body pressed to her own. She has the privilege of being comforted by Lexa and her presence. Having her to make sure that Clarke gets as much food as she needs and providing almost comfortable sleeping positions. Yet, what Clarke has appreciated the most, is only the presence of her. Being able to have her close to herself, and every day being able to just look at her. Just such a simple thing is something that Clarke appreciates extra much in this moment, after everything that happened in Arkadia.

Although, the only thing that is missing is Tamari. She should be here with them right now. She deserved to be with them and deserved to return safely home to her daughter.

Clarke can feel as her gut tightens by the thought. She doesn’t even want to imagine the conversation someone will be forced to have with Stella. Clarke is not sure if Lexa is the one to inform loved ones about their losses, but Clarke knows that it is a conversation that she doesn’t want to take part of. It is too painful. Because how do you tell an eight year old child, that their mother died in battle?

Clarke can feel Lexa shift in front of her, she can feel as her body moves while Lexa glances over her shoulder. 

'’ Are you awake? ‘’ Lexa whispers gently, and Clarke glances back up.

She hadn’t even realized that she had put almost all of her body weight on leaning against Lexa’s back. The movement of the horse and the warmth of Lexa must have actually lulled her to sleep. Although Lexa hasn’t seemed to mind, at least not cared enough to wake Clarke from the uncomfortable position she must have put her in. 

‘’ Yeah,, I’m sorry. ‘’

Clarke pulls the back of her hand up to her chin, wiping at the corner of her mouth to remove the drool that had managed to run down before she leans back from Lexa.

She is not sure for long she has been sleeping against Lexa’s back. It could be a few minutes or maybe even over an hour. But the side of Clarke’s cheek still feels damp from leaning onto Lexa’s wet coat.

Clarke even realizes that Lexa has put the red cloth from her shoulder piece as a form of a blanket over Clarke’s body, and Clarke can’t help but feel as the smile pulls at the corner of her lips by the sight.

It is such a caring thought that Lexa wanted to make sure that Clarke stayed warm and comfortable. Even if the fabric is mostly covered in dirt and rain, at least it still provides some kind of heat as it covers Clarke’s legs. 

‘’ We are here. ‘’ Lexa says softly, and as Clarke straightens her spine to glance over Lexa’s shoulder, she notices the building of Lexa’s tower hovering close ahead._ Finally. _

They have traveled for hours, days and nights. And even if Clarke has gotten some kind of sleep while leaning against Lexa, her body still feels sore and in need of some actual sleep.

The thought of sleeping comfortably in her own bed, or in Lexa’s bed, feels more and more tempting the closer to the gates they get. The thought of lying down in the furs with the candles scattered around in the room, knowing that they can sleep peacefully and calmly without the fear of war feels greater than anything else in this moment. Because now, the greatest enemy that the Grounders have faced since the mountain men, is gone. Now they will not have to worry about anyone attacking them for no reason. 

Clarke sits still behind Lexa as they ride up close to the gates of the Capital. Her hands rest lightly on the sides of Lexa’s hips, feeling them move under the palms of her hands in the same motion as the horse.

She watches as the guards by the gates becomes aware of their Commander’s presence in an instant, and it doesn’t take long for them to call out her name before opening the gates. 

Lexa and Clarke have been riding first, with plenty of armored warriors in a path behind. It felt kind of empowering and Clarke enjoyed the way it surprisingly made her feel like one of them. For the first time in so long, Clarke feels as if she belongs. It feels good, and only making Clarke even more sure of her decision to join Trikru. Because maybe, she can have the possibility to feel this way for the rest of her life. 

Clarke can feel all eyes on them as they ride through the gates and into Polis. More and more Grounders in different shapes and sizes start to approach them the moment they become aware of their Commander’s return.

It doesn’t take long before the children start appearing close to their sides as well, and Clarke clearly notices how their eyes lights up as they greet Lexa.

She notices how Lexa looks their way and nods in hello, while a hidden smile is pulling at the corners of her lips. Clarke wishes that she can stay like this with Lexa forever, and with careful movements, she turns her gaze towards her. Trying to get a glimpse of Lexa’s face from where she’s sitting behind, eyes scanning her back while Clarke can feel her heart only pound faster.

She’s hoping with all she’s got that Lexa will let her become part of her clan. Hoping that Lexa will accept her as Trikru, because for now, there is nothing that Clarke wants more.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_______________________

Once the doors finally opens to Lexa’s room, Clarke can feel the familiar scent of the candles in an instant. The room is warm and quiet, the window and balcony door closed to keep the cold from reaching in. It is just like Clarke remembered it and exactly how she likes it.

She has felt like she’s been holding her breath ever since she left Polis, only for her to finally be able to breathe again the moment she steps inside the room. There is no place that feels quite as home as Polis. There is no other place where Clarke feels safer or more calm.

Here, she has a chance to be herself, and here she has a chance to relax. Not caring about anything else than herself,, _ and Lexa_. That is everything that is on her mind right now. 

Clarke hears as Lexa closes the doors behind them. It is already really late and the darkness covers most of their lands outside of the building.

The lights from the candles are the only thing that lights up the room, and the only thing to bring them heat. Yet, as Clarke’s eyes start to scan the room, they are fast to land on Lexa’s bed. On the bed that starts to feel almost too tempting and Clarke has to fight the urge of not walking over to lie down, and to fall asleep because she knows that she easily could. 

She turns her attention back to Lexa. Watching as she unclasps the armor from her shoulder before putting it away. She stretches slowly and Clarke remembers just how heavy the shoulder piece felt when Clarke once held it in the palms of her hands.

Thinking about how Lexa has been wearing it for days now, there is no wonder if she is sore.

With slow, careful steps, Clarke starts to make her way over to Lexa. She has not left her side since the attack, because honestly, she has felt too afraid to. Too afraid that she is going to lose her again, and too afraid that if she leaves again, maybe she won’t have the luck to find her the next time.

She walks over until she can notice Lexa glance back up at her, acknowledging that Clarke is stepping closer while Clarke can feel her heart start to pound inside her chest.

It trudges on the inside of her ribcage and she almost has to fight back the sudden desire that occurs. She just wants a moment to feel her, to feel Lexa’s soft flesh under the skin on her fingers. To be able to feel Lexa’s heart beat close to her own. The overpowering need is sudden and overwhelming as Clarke steps closer. 

‘’ Are you okay? ‘’ Lexa asks lightly, while tucking a strand of hair behind Clarke’s ear, and Clarke completely melts by the touch.

She closes her eyes and inhales deeply by feeling Lexa’s touch on her. A sudden desire to touch Lexa everywhere creeps in to settle in Clarke’s bones. It is almost as if she can feel her fingers twitch by the growing urge of reaching out to touch her, to feel her under the touch of her hands. 

‘’ _ Clarke? _ ‘’ 

Lexa whispers again when she didn’t get any response the first time, and Clarke has to force her chin to tilt down in a nod.

She is more than okay. Like this with Lexa, there is no way that she could ever be better. Feeling Lexa keep her hand still by Clarke’s neck while her thumb gently swipes over her skin there, is enough for Clarke to bring her own hands to the sides of Lexa’s body. Keeping her hands still as she holds onto Lexa’s waist. 

“ It made me happy to know that you wanted to return with me, Clarke. “ Lexa whispers, low and husky and Clarke keeps her eyes closed by the words. 

“ Shhh. “ Clarke hushes.

She doesn’t feel the need to talk about it right now, all she feels is the need to be still with her. She only needs to keep her close, they can talk about the rest at a different time. 

“ Be with me. “ Clarke whispers instead, and as she opens her eyes to glance up at Lexa, she can clearly see the lustful eyes staring back at her.

Pupils blown in her irises from the darkness, and her lips barely parted to let air smoothly down to her lungs. Clarke can feel the blood boil inside her veins by the sight, and she is too aware of how it sends shivers down her spine.

Lexa hesitantly glances down onto Clarke’s lips, and Clarke takes that as a cue to kiss her. She leans in slowly, only to capture Lexa’s bottom lip between her own. Feeling Lexa gasp against her lips by the sudden move.

Lexa’s hand remains on a Clarke’s neck, yet it doesn’t take long until the other finds its way to the other side. She holds Clarke close, and Clarke melts by the touch. This is everything she needs. 

It doesn’t take long for Clarke’s heart to pace up in speed, or for her breathing to become uncontrollable. Her fingers dig into the sides of Lexa’s waist, needing to feel more of her before her tongue swipes at the bottom of Lexa’s lip.

The sudden touch makes a gasp leave the depth of Lexa’s throat and meet Clarke’s lips, and they both start breathing heavily into each other’s mouths.

Clarke has never been affected by someone’s touch nearly as much as she is by Lexa’s, and watching Lexa like this, she knows that she is able to do somewhat the same for her. 

Clarke moves her hands to the opening of Lexa’s coat, needing to feel more of her and more of her skin. Needing to remove the wet fabric of Lexa’s coat and instead feel her warm flesh.

Yet, the shakiness in her body makes Clarke only fumble with the clasps, unable to get them open. Suddenly does an action as simple as unclasping Lexa’s coat turn into a challenge, and Clarke only grows more frustrated once she can’t get them open. 

“ This was harder than I thought. “ She breathes heavily against Lexa’s lips once she pulls away enough to be able to glance down onto her hands between their bodies.

The words pulls at a light laugh to escape Lexa’s mouth. A sound so beautiful and rare that Clarke can’t help but to smile too.

Honestly, Clarke has thought about wanting to take off Lexa’s coat from her body before, yet now that it comes to it, her fingers won’t cooperate.

Clarke lets out a frustrated sigh against Lexa’s skin, and it doesn’t take long before she can feel the touch of Lexa’s hands over her own. Her hands are cold, yet they still manage to make a heat arise inside Clarke’s body. Her touch makes her body feel almost as if electrocuted. 

‘’ _Breathe, Clarke._ ‘’ Lexa whispers, and Clarke does.

She lets out a heavy breath against Lexa’s face as their foreheads remains pressed together.

What she feels is something so overwhelming and powerful. It leaves her breathless and unsure of how to deal with all of the emotions she feels capture her all at once. 

‘’ I’m sorry. ‘’ Clarke breathes. 

‘’ I just need to.. ‘’ 

‘’ I know. ‘’ Lexa whispers back in reassurance. 

‘’ You scared me. ‘’ 

‘’ I know. ‘’ Lexa repeats.

She knows that the last few days have been exhausting and filled with fear and worry. She knows that Clarke needs this moment to just feel Lexa alive and breathing under her touch.

She knows that this moment has a lot to do with just being able to physically feel Lexa against her, and to finally let out everything that she has been feeling the last couple of days. To be able to breathe clearly after the breath that she’s been holding. 

“ Are you okay? “ Lexa asks again, her voice low as she searches Clarke’s eyes, and Clarke can feel as the words tightens the muscles around her heart.

She closes her eyes, feeling Lexa hold her hands still over Clarke’s. 

“ I’m just tired. “ Clarke sighs.

She is, she is painfully tired and her whole body feels sore from the long ride back to Polis. 

“ Lets sleep, Clarke. “ 

“ _ Lexa. “ _

Clarke wants to protest, she wants to have this moment with Lexa. She can feel as if her whole body needs it. She needs Lexa close to herself. She can feel the pulsing in her chest as well as in other places on her body, _ craving _her. 

“ Lets sleep. “ Lexa repeats. 

“ We have plenty of time. “ 

Clarke opens her eyes to look back up at Lexa. Both of their breathings have begun to slow down, yet the pupils in Lexa’s eyes have not become smaller. But Clarke nods slowly.

Maybe the reassurance was everything she needed. Just needing to know that they have time, and they can pick this up in another time.

Clarke removes her hands from the clasps on Lexa’s coat. She removes them and lets them hang heavily down the sides of her body instead. Yet she’s watching in awe how Lexa finishes Clarke’s attempt and unclasps her coat so easily herself. 

“ I will go wash off and get you something to sleep in. “ Lexa says as she begins to slide the coat over her shoulders.

Although, the new exposed skin over Lexa’s chest and arms, is enough to make Clarke’s heart pick up the same speed as before. It is enough to set a tingling in motion low in her gut, and Clarke wonders if she’ll ever get used to watching Lexa like this. Exposed skin over her chest and shoulders that the black top reveals. The tattoo over her upper-arm and the sweat glowing with the help of the lightning from the candles over her collarbones.

Clarke is not sure if she ever will get used to it, and maybe she doesn’t want to. 

  
  
  


___________________

The tiredness that Clarke had felt before, now feels like nothing with the sudden energy that has creeped in to settle over every muscle in her body. Suddenly she feels wide awake, and too aware of the warmth that Lexa’s body radiates beside her.

They had decided to go to sleep, because after so many days of traveling they both could use the rest. Both of their bodies are sore and tired after the war and the long journey back. Clarke had seen it in Lexa’s face too.

Her whole body is exhausted after the past tiresome days, and even if the warpaint on her face first managed to hide some of her features, Clarke could still clearly see the bags under her eyes.

It was only fair to let them both get some rest, to relax before a new day starts tomorrow.

Lexa had given Clarke a new nightgown to sleep in, before she picked one out for herself. And she had made sure to wash off the warpaint and blood from her face before she crawled into bed together with Clarke.

Yet now, the only thing Clarke can think about is Lexa’s body beside hers. She is too aware of how the cleavage that Lexa’s nightgown exposes as she lies on her side, sets a tingling motion in Clarke’s gut. The same kind of desire that Clarke had felt earlier is now starting to creep up on her, and Clarke has to fight the growing urge of not reaching out to touch her.

Clarke rolls over onto her back to face the ceiling. She is not sure how long she has been awake, but it’s been awhile since they first went to bed. Most of the candles have burned out from where they are scattered around the room. Now there’s only the ones closest to Lexa’s bed left.

‘’ Having a hard time to sleep? ‘’ 

Clarke glances down on Lexa who lies still beside her. Her eyes are still softly closed, and Clarke wonders just how long she has been awake to feel Clarke shift and turn beside her. Maybe she never really fell asleep either.

Clarke rolls over to face Lexa yet again, she tugs a strand of hair behind her own ear to keep it from falling over her face as her eyes observes every feature in Lexa’s face.

She is so beautiful. It is fascinating in the way Lexa doesn’t even need to look at Clarke for her to know exactly what is going on with her. Clarke appreciates it, and she has come to enjoy the way it works so well. 

‘’ Here. ‘’ Lexa soon whispers in a raspy breath before Clarke can feel Lexa give a gentle tug at her arm.

She pulls it around her own body, pulling Clarke closer and it doesn’t take long for Clarke to give in. She moves closer to Lexa, nuzzling at the warmth of her neck as she breathes her in.

Clarke can tell that Lexa meant it when she said that she was going to get cleaned up. Because the usual smell of forest and a bit of sweat, which Clarke hasn’t mind before, is now replaced by a scent of berries from the soap Clarke is familiar with.

The smell and the warmth from Lexa’s body is captivating and only makes Clarke exhale a heavy breath against her skin there. She had almost forgotten just how good it feels to be this close to Lexa. To be able to feel her heartbeat against her own. 

Clarke traces the hand that Lexa had put around her body, up to hold onto the nape of Lexa’s neck. She can feel as her heart begins to thrum against her ribcage before she lightly begins to play with the strands of hair on her neck.

She lets it run between her fingers, slowly and softly while Lexa’s heart beats in pace with her own. Together they find a perfect rhythm as they begin to work in one. They both feel so soothed by each other’s presence, yet Clarke needs _ more. _ Needs to feel more of her. So she traces her hand slowly up to hold gently over Lexa’s cheek before she begins to place chaste kisses over the skin on Lexa’s neck.

Lexa starts to breathe more heavily than before by the touch of Clarke’s lips against her skin, and with slow movements Clarke carefully slides the nightgown down from Lexa’s shoulder, trailing kisses down over the new exposed skin.

There is nothing that Clarke needs more in this moment. Nothing she needs more than just being able to be this close to Lexa. Needing to feel her skin under her touch, yet her hands are eager to explore more.

She sighs against the skin on Lexa’s shoulder the moment she can feel Lexa place her own hand gently at the base of Clarke’s neck to hold her still. It is empowering in the way Lexa touches her, and it only makes Clarke eager for more. She wants to roam the expanse of her body, explore every part of it. 

She pulls Lexa’s nightgown further down her body and hears as Lexa let out a light gasp against Clarke’s cheek the moment her skin is exposed entirely for Clarke.

Clarke knows that it is all overwhelming, because it is for her as well. So she takes a moment to stop, a moment of stillness and a moment to look for any signs of uncomfortableness from Lexa. Of any sign that indicates that she doesn’t want Clarke to keep going.

She keeps her hand still by Lexa’s waist together with how far she has already pulled down her nightgown. It is only when Clarke can find no sign of discomfort, and instead feels Lexa pull Clarke closer to her body, that she pulls the nightgown all the way down her body.

Lexa is helping her in removing it with one of her hands, but is fast to get it back to Clarke. She places both of her hands onto Clarke’s cheeks to hold her close, and when Clarke glances up to look at Lexa, she can see the eyes of desire stare back. Eyes full of lust and want. Eyes that indicate that this is exactly all Lexa wants too. 

Clarke tilts her chin just enough to reach Lexa’s lips. It is just a brush of lips at first. Slow and careful, and Clarke figures that she would be fine to stay like this with Lexa. Not needing to leave to do anything else than just press tiresome kisses against Lexa’s plump lips.

It is all she really needs in life. Feeling the anxious excitement grow in her body by the tenderness of Lexa’s touch. Feeling the awe and arousal build up inside of her, and how her fingers tremble as they accidentally brush against the skin over Lexa’s stomach.

She keeps them still there, fingers caressing Lexa’s skin over her belly, only to later slide to hold onto her waist. Her skin is soft underneath Clarke’s fingertips, and her heart throbs almost painfully hard by now.

However, the movement of Lexa’s fingers doesn’t go unnoticed as they begin to trace down to pull at the string of Clarke’s own nightgown. It is an hesitant touch and Clarke can feel as Lexa shudders against her lips a moment later. 

“ May I? “ She asks in a breath as she pulls away just enough to look into Clarke’s eyes.

The consideration is sweet, and Clarke can only feel as her heart jolts by the question. 

“ You don’t have to ask. “ Clarke whispers, wanting to lean in to capture Lexa’s lips again but Lexa is quick to slightly pull away instead.

The movement makes Clarke glance up to stare into the depth of her eyes, noticing the seriousness that is almost hidden by the desire on the surface. She looks just as taken by the moment as Clarke feels. 

“ I will never assume that I have permission to touch your body, Clarke. “ 

Clarke smiles by the words. She has never in her life felt so cared for as she does with Lexa. She has never felt love and appreciation in the same way before. It is almost overwhelming and Clarke is unsure of how to react to it. Instead, she tilts her chin to get a better view at Lexa’s face. 

“ I’m yours. “ she whispers against the skin on Lexa’s face. 

“ You are your own, Clarke. “ 

Clarke can’t keep from smiling, Lexa is just so tender in the way she loves and in the way she cares. She is so careful in the vulnerability that she shares and Clarke almost enjoys it more than life itself. 

“ How about we are each other’s? “ she asks gently, and this time, it is Lexa who smiles.

The smile lingers in the corners of her lips, bashful and sweet. 

“ I would like that. “ 

And just like that, Clarke dives in to capture Lexa’s lips again.

She can feel Lexa smile through the kiss and the feeling is enough to make Clarke smile too. The intoxicating sensation immediately makes Clarke deepen the kiss. Feeling her tongue gently brush against Lexa’s, slightly wet from the saliva that stirs but Clarke doesn’t mind.

She helps Lexa to remove her own nightgown, sliding it down her body together with her panties until she is fully nude.

Lexa locks her arm around Clarke’s neck, pulling her closer to her body, and Clarke takes the opportunity to roll over to place herself steady over Lexa’s body. They sigh into each other’s mouths the moment they can feel their breasts press together, and Clarke keeps Lexa’s head enclosed at each side by her arms as she braces herself on top of her. 

Blonde hair falls over Clarke’s face, and manage to tickle the skin over Lexa’s cheek before Lexa slowly tugs it behind Clarke’s ear in a gentle motion.

With her vision clear, Clarke looks down on her. Noticing how dark her eyes have turned and just how flushed her cheeks are. Clarke is drowning by the sight. She will never get used to watching Lexa like this. Watching as Lexa looks up at her with so much wonder in her eyes. Watching how Lexa breathes heavily as Clarke settles her body over hers, every inch of their skin pressed together, yet it doesn’t feel like it is enough.

Clarke is fast to close the distance between them again. Leaning down just enough to press her lips against Lexa’s. Feeling as Lexa sighs into her mouth before her hand tugs gently at the nape of Clarke’s neck solely for the purpose of pulling her closer.

Clarke does. She falls down onto Lexa’s body with her full body weight slammed against Lexa’s. She is warm and soft underneath her touch and Clarke is eager to feel more. 

She tugs at Lexa’s hand by the side of Clarke’s neck, only to guide it further down and for Lexa to put her warm palm on the skin over Clarke’s breast and over her heart.

She hears Lexa gasp against her lips by the touch, and she almost has to keep herself from doing the same the moment she can feel Lexa hesitantly trace the swell of Clarke’s breast with her thumb.

Clarke can feel herself react to the sudden touch. It makes her pull in a breath and instinctively open her eyes. She pulls away enough to be able to look at Lexa and she notices that her eyes are darker than usual by the desire and arousal.

Yet it doesn’t take long before Lexa cranes her neck up to chase Clarke’s lips. The vein pops on Lexa’s neck as she bends up only to pull Clarke back down with her into the softness of the pillows.

Their lips start moving together in a slow and tender rhythm, and every now and then, Clarke can feel as Lexa’s tongue brushes against her lower lip. It is an intoxicating feeling that Clarke can not get enough of.

She never thought that it was possible to crave someone as much as she craves Lexa. She has never felt it before. And now she can’t get enough. Lexa’s touch feels too good on her body, and her lips too good pressed against her own.

Lexa smooths her palms over Clarke’s back, and Clarke is unable to get used to the softness of her touches. She believes that she could stay like this for the rest of her lifetime. Exploring more parts of Lexa. Explore more of what makes her shiver and what makes her moan. 

Clarke continues to trace her hand down the length of Lexa’s side. Exploring a trail of skin that she is not unfamiliar with. It feels as good to touch her now as it had done the first time. Clarke even believes that this time might be better.

This time they are both not nearly as nervous, this time they are both more bold and sure in their touches.

Clarke lets her hand travel slow and gentle up to brush over Lexa’s breast. Her thumb brushes over her nipple and slowly rubbing over the hardened flesh. It makes Lexa swallow hard through the drought in her mouth, and Clarke loves the reaction she’s getting.

She tilts her head to Lexa’s neck. Leaving soft kisses over her flesh and feeling the dampness of her skin meet the surface of her lips. Lexa breathes heavily underneath Clarke’s body, and the sound of her breaths only makes Clarke want to hear more. So her tongue finds the sensitive spot over Lexa’s pulse point and Lexa gasps lightly by the wet touch.

She pushes a thigh up between Clarke’s legs and with the sudden movement, Clarke shifts the balance on her arm and slides one hand between their bodies. Her fingers brush over the sweat-covered skin on Lexa’s chest and stomach as Clarke’s hand follows the trail down her body. 

Clarke can clearly feel Lexa shiver under her touch, and Clarke is fast to place chaste kisses in the corner of Lexa’s mouth. Soft kisses to sooth her and to anchor her back to reality. Soft kisses to remind her that Clarke is right here with her every step of the way.

She knows that this is overwhelming for Lexa, but Clarke wants her to know that she is not alone in her desire. So she moves to continue to place tender kisses onto Lexa’s lips the moment her fingers find her center. The intimacy is strong enough to make them both shiver and Clarke feels as Lexa’s nails start to dig between her shoulder blades by the overwhelming sensation of the touch.

Clarke continues to move her fingers slowly down between Lexa’s legs. She is aware of how soft she feels under her touch as she slides her fingers through her slit to make sure that they are covered with just enough wetness. She doesn’t want to hurt Lexa, so she makes sure to take her time.

She places soft pressure onto Lexa’s clit, and feels as she sighs back a moan onto Clarke’s face. Clarke wants to touch her gently, and right, and starts drawing small circles over the bundle of nerves in a way she knows Lexa that has enjoyed before.

As expected, she can feel Lexa’s body quake beneath her this time too. However, Clarke wants to touch her without no rush. Like Lexa said, they have plenty of time. Now there is nothing to come between them, and Clarke is going to take advantage of it. 

She begins to slowly add more pressure, feeling as Lexa rocks her hips to meet her hand more firmly. Clarke nuzzles at Lexa’s neck by the feeling, and can feel Lexa move her hand to the nape of Clarke’s neck too.

Clarke will never get used to the feeling of her body tingling unbearably by watching Lexa like this. Hearing the small gasps she releases in the moments Clarke slowly adds more pressure between her legs.

She can hear Lexa about to protest the moment she slowly pulls away, but it immediately turns into a sharp intake of breath once Clarke instead starts circling Lexa’s entrance. She places a chaste kiss onto Lexa’s shoulder, and when Lexa shifts, Clarke slowly dips inside. 

The immediate touch makes Lexa arch her back. Her head falls back into the pillows as the vein becomes noticeable on her neck.

To be honest, the wet touch takes the breath out of both, and Clarke is not sure how to react to the way it makes her heart pound painfully hard. The touch might not give pleasure directly to Clarke in psychical terms, yet it is still one of the most overwhelming feelings she’s ever felt.

Clarke doesn’t even need for Lexa to touch her, because to be able to watch Lexa like this, is enough to make her mind dizzy and her vision blurry. 

Clarke holds perfectly still for a moment, holds still to give Lexa time to ease up to the sensation. 

“ You okay? “ Clarke murmurs against the skin on Lexa’s neck.

Lexa nods slowly against her shoulder a moment later while her chest raises in a heavy rhythm against Clarke’s. She pants onto the skin on Clarke’s shoulder, heavy with desire and want.

It doesn’t take long before she pulls Clarke closer with her arm around her neck and Clarke takes the moment to set up a slow comfortable rhythm that has them both sighing heavily against each other’s skin. 

Clarke watches in wonder how Lexa’s head tilts back to press onto the pillows, and Clarke takes the opportunity to place tender kisses over the flesh of the strong line of her neck as her body tenses and arches from every movement between her legs.

Lexa’s palms presses over the smooth solid plane she is clinging to over Clarke’s back and shoulder when Clarke curls her finger instinctively inside and watches how a whimpered gasp comes out in stutters.

She can tell that Lexa is close. She can see it in the tension of the muscles in her stomach and can feel it increasing the tightness around her fingers. So Clarke draws a thumb up to circle over Lexa’s clit. Feeling how her chest heavens with the sudden rush of pleasure against her own.

Clarke tilts her head just enough to notice Lexa’s skin glow by the dampness in her flesh. Lexa looks beautiful just like this. 

Clarke makes sure to curl her finger again while she keeps rubbing at Lexa’s clit at the same time in the slightest increase of pleasure. Clarke has come to notice how Lexa is rather quiet in her pursuit of pleasure. It is only trembling muscles and whispering breaths.

She can hear the gasp escape Lexa’s lips and meet the warm skin on her shoulder and it only makes her push harder inside her as a reaction to the sound, and that is enough to make Lexa tumble over the edge.

It is beautiful in the way Lexa comes down from her high. Her eyes in daze and her body trembling underneath Clarke’s. She buries her face deep into Lexa’s neck and can feel Lexa with her mouth open and panting against her shoulder.

She pants and twitches with every aftershock and Clarke makes sure to lean down and kiss her, she faintly responds to the kiss from still trying to recover, and Clarke works the last tremors out of her body before she gently pulls away.

It takes long before both of their breathings slows down, and when Clarke tugs a strand of hair behind her ear to be able to look down on Lexa, she can see that her eyes are still unfocused and half-dazed before she meets Clarke’s eyes.

Clarke believes that she has never seen anything quite as beautiful. She can spend the rest of her life watching Lexa like this, and to kiss her back to reality after making her experience the most wonderful of highs. This is all Clarke needs. She just needs to be with Lexa. 

Clarke rolls over and off of Lexa, and is instead fast to pull her closer to her chest. Feeling as Lexa slowly nuzzles at Clarke’s neck while her hand trace up to hold by the base of it.

Clarke makes sure to tug a strand of Lexa’s brown curls behind her ear, before she moves her fingers to trace up and down the length of Lexa’s bicep. Her heart still trudges on the inside of her chest, and she can still feel Lexa breathe heavily against her skin. This is everything she wants, Clarke figures. Close her eyes and fall asleep while holding onto Lexa this way. It is empowering and overwhelming, and Clarke wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. 

  
  
  
  
  


__________________

  
  
  
  
  



	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so as I said in a few other chapters, I've had a hard time knowing where I should divide some chapters from each other, and this is one of those. I'm unsure because if I don't divide it at one specific spot then the next chapter will be looooong, so that's why. Hahah! Also, I used a quote in this chapter from something that one of you guys commented in the earlier chapters. I just thought it sounded beautiful so I wanted to include it :) Anyway thank you so much for all the birthday wishes, I was happily surprised and enjoyed them so much! :)
> 
> I hope you like this chapter, and let me know what you think of Clarke's decision ;)

Sun starts streaming in through the cracks in the tower. The candles have burned out long ago and now the only warmth that fills the room is from the way the sunlight reflects onto the glass of the windows. Everything is calm and still. There’s no sound of screams or gunshots. No one running around in the halls outside of the room, or down on the ground outside the building.

Clarke can feel as the sun heats the skin over her face and naked shoulder. The furs in the bed feels soft underneath her body as well as over it. Her whole body feels i daze, drifting between sleep and awakeness as Clarke thinks she’s able to feel light breaths coming onto the skin on her face.

She shifts lightly in the pillows and the more Clarke starts to stir awake, the more she’s able to feel the gentle movements over her arm.

A warm touch of Lexa’s fingers trace up and down the length of Clarke’s upper-arm, and after that, it doesn’t take long for Clarke to remember exactly where she is.

Lexa’s touch is slow and comfortable. It is gentle and soft, and Clarke can feel as the smile pulls at the corner of her lips by the touch. By the feeling of Lexa’s fingers on her, and by the way Clarke can practically feel Lexa’s eyes glance down on her.

Clarke’s heart pounds inside her chest by the thought that for once, Lexa is the one to be awake before her, and she has not yet left her side.

‘’ Are you watching me sleep? ‘’ Clarke asks, raspy and low by the drought in her throat from just waking up.

She enjoys the way the roles have switched, and she doesn’t open her eyes just yet but can almost feel Lexa smile back by the words. She stops the movements over Clarke’s arm and instead rests the palm of her hand gently over the skin there. 

‘’ You snore. ‘’ Lexa whispers in a voice just as raspy.

A voice that Clarke has come to love, and a voice that only exists right after Lexa has woken up. It is captivating and makes Clarke’s lungs struggle for breath. Yet she shoots her eyes open by the words. By the teasing observation that left Lexa’s lips. 

‘’ I do not. ‘’ Clarke responds with brows furrowed on top of her forehead, and it immediately pulls at a wide smile in the corner of Lexa’s lips.

Her hair is messy over the pillows and her eyes still look half-dazed. She looks beautiful in the mornings, and Clarke wishes that they can stay like this forever. That she can keep looking at Lexa like this for the rest of her life. She seems so human in these moments, so grounded and calm. 

‘’ You do. ‘’ 

‘’ Oh, shut up. ‘’ Clarke laughs.

She rolls over and braces herself steady over Lexa’s body, and can feel Lexa smile against her lips once Clarke leans down to kiss her.

The kiss is slightly dry and mixed with morning breath from the way both of them have just woken up, but Clarke doesn’t mind. She never minds the kisses with Lexa, because they always feel just right and always makes a feeling set in motion in every bone in Clarke’s body. It makes her shiver and makes her feel uneasy in the best possible way. 

Clarke brings a hand up to hold gently at the base of Lexa’s neck and can feel herself sigh against her lips once Lexa’s hands come up to hold steady by Clarke’s naked hips. Just the touch alone is enough to awaken the same feeling as she felt the night before and to set a pulsing in motion in between Clarke’s legs.

Having Lexa’s naked body this close to her own always manage to do something to her. To awaken feelings and desires that Clarke has never felt.

Lexa pushes them up to a sitting position and Clarke finds herself straddling Lexa’s waist. Her face grows warmer with the intensity of Lexa’s touch. Warm and comforting against her skin, and it doesn’t take long before Clarke can feel Lexa’s lips curl into a soft smile against her own.

It pulls at an excitement all over Clarke’s body, and she shudders by the feeling. Clarke believes that she will never get used to this. She figures that even if she gets the privilege to experience this every day for the rest of her life, it will still never feel enough and it will always feel new and exciting.

Her heart thumps hard and fast against her ribcage the more Lexa touches her, and the more Clarke puts her hands over Lexa. Her hands brushes at the skin over Lexa’s neck and she sighs heavily once she can feel Lexa’s tongue brush against her lower lip. Soft and slightly wet.

With her fingers tangled into Lexa’s messy hair, Clarke pulls away from her lips only to tilt her head back in a moan the moment she can feel Lexa’s palms splayed on the small of her back in an intoxicating feeling.

She shudders against the touch of Lexa, and gasps heavily the moment Lexa starts placing kisses down the flat plane of flesh between Clarke’s breasts. Soft and tender kisses meets her skin and all Clarke can do is to lock her arm around Lexa’s neck to pull her closer to her skin. Closer to her body, and god is the feeling like poison. It is addictive and Clarke can not get enough. 

“ I want to join Trikru. “ Clarke murmurs at the top of Lexa’s head.

Yet the sentence is enough to make Lexa pull away from her body, and Clarke has to fight the urge to protest in a sigh when she feels Lexa’s lips disappear from the skin between her breasts.

She glances down with eyes in daze on the woman underneath her. Noticing how Lexa’s lips are barely parted and how the depth of her eyes stare back at Clarke. Brows arched on her forehead and her jaw soon tightly clenched. Not at all the reaction Clarke had hoped for. Now it only makes her throat dry and her heart stop. Wondering if she said something wrong or upsetting.

Clarke tugs a strand of brown hair behind Lexa’s ear and away from her face. Eyes deep buried with the depth of green as Lexa remains silent. 

“ Why did you turn so serious all of sudden? “ Clarke asks, and Lexa sighs. 

Her hands slide gently from the small of Clarke’s back to rest softly over the hips by her waist. 

“ You do not have to join Trikru to stay in Polis, Clarke. “ 

“ It’s not about that, I want to be with you. “

Clarke says, she can feel her heart tightening by Lexa’s reaction. By the reaction that Clarke had not expected to get once she told her. Yet she watches how Lexa licks the wetness off her lips before she turns her gaze from Clarke’s. Her chin lowers and Clarke can clearly notice the thick swallow in her throat.

“ You enjoy me here, Clarke. “ Lexa whispers, and Clarke confusingly pulls back. 

“ This version of me. “

Lexa glances back up, and Clarke’s gut tightens the moment their eyes lock. By the worriedly eyes she can see staring back at her. There is something hidden in the depth of Lexa’s eyes and Clarke still has a hard time to understand what. 

“ The person who left you at the mountain, the person who attacked your people. “ Lexa pauses.

“ All the orders of death and war, that is still me. “ 

Clarke stares confused between Lexa’s eyes while she lets the words settle to her mind. She is still not sure exactly where Lexa is going with the conversation or what she wants to have said. She knows those parts of Lexa. She _ understands _those parts. Yet she watches as Lexa exhales deeply before she continues. 

“ I do not want you to do something that you will regret later and then resent me for it. “ 

“ I do not want you to see those parts of me one day and regret your decision. “ 

“ _ Lexa. “ _

Clarke is fast to trace her thumb over the skin on Lexa’s neck from where she holds her hands still.

That was not the reason she had expected and it breaks her heart that Lexa even thinks something like that will happen. That Clarke is going to leave her one day because of something like that. 

“ I enjoy every part of you. “ Clarke whispers and Lexa looks back. Eyes filled with worry and vulnerability. 

“ I enjoy life here and I enjoy your people. “ 

“ I’m more sure than anything that I want to be part of this. “ 

Clarke can barely just notice the hint of an hesitant smile pull at the corners of Lexa’s lips by the reassurance. She wants Lexa to know that whatever happens, she is not going to leave her side. She wants this. All of this, and every part of Lexa. There is nothing that can happen that is going to take that away.

They have already been through hell and back, and they both have seen the worst versions of each other, and they both equally accept those versions. They are parts of what makes them to who they are.

There are stubborn parts of Clarke that makes Lexa so frustrated that she has to clench her jaw so tightly that it looks like it must hurt. And there are parts of Lexa and parts of her culture that Clarke does not always understand but that she’s doing her best to. But that is just life, and things that they will have to accept and learn about one another. 

“ Please let me. “ Clarke whispers, she stares back at Lexa, using the stubbornness in her eyes to reach through and can soon tell that she succeeds by how Lexa glances away with a bashful smile lingering on her lips. 

“ Let's do it now. “

Clarke crawls off of Lexa and out of bed. She pulls the sheets with her and around her body.

“ Now? “ Lexa asks confused while she keeps her stare on Clarke. 

“ Clarke, you are nude. “ 

Clarke huffs and turns back to look at Lexa. Noticing the confusion on her face that is just a hide up from the playfulness and from the way Lexa is clearly teasing her. She _ can _ make jokes.

“ Not _ now _now, but today. “ 

Clarke walks back to sit down on the edge of the bed. The sheets are covering her naked body as she looks back at Lexa with so much wonder in her eyes.

She wants this so much. She wants to be part of Lexa’s clan and to feel like she belongs somewhere. Because she has never truly felt that anywhere else. Because at first, she was part of the hundred, of the delinquents. And at the time, no one had any idea of who they were and where they belonged. They all just spent their time in trying to figure out what to do.

Then, they all just became part of Skaikru. Of the people who killed what they feared. Clarke does not want to be part of that. She has finally found her place, and it is here, in Polis and with Lexa. 

“ Please. “ Clarke begs as she keeps her eyes locked with Lexa’s.

Watching as Lexa lets a heavy sigh out from her lips before she shifts in her position on the bed. She has pulled up the furs just enough to cover her naked body, and she tilts her head just lightly by Clarke’s words. 

“ I do not feel comfortable in putting you through the procedure, Clarke. “ 

“ Well, what's the procedure? “ 

Lexa sighs, pulling at her hair to keep it over one of her shoulders before she shifts in her position to get a better view at Clarke.

Clarke knows that the clans have different oaths, or she at least knows that Ice Nation has their oath through a connection of blood, but she has no idea what the other clans do, or what it takes to actually become part of another clan. Until today, she wasn’t even sure if it was possible, she had only had her hopes and dreams. 

‘’ You will have to kneel before me, and swear our oath to promise to protect and stay loyal to our clan. ‘’ Lexa starts low and gentle.

That wasn’t too bad, she can do that. Yet, Clarke can notice the hesitation lingering all over Lexa’s face a moment later. She notices how the corner of her lips twitch and her jaw tightens. 

‘’ You will also have to be marked. ‘’

Lexa swallows thickly by the words. 

‘’ Marked? ‘’ 

Lexa nods. 

‘’ Like Kane was? ‘’

‘’ No. ‘’ 

‘’ Kane got the mark of our coalition. ‘’

‘’ To join a _ clan_, you will have to get something that represents that clan specifically. ‘’ 

Clarke lets the thought get to her. She is unsure of what Trikru has that represents them. She has noticed that every Ice Nation warrior have scars on their face and most of them white tattoos. Although she has not noticed anything specifically that Trikru has. Nothing apart from the way they all have some kind of tattoo. But maybe that is just it.

Clarke looks up at Lexa, and her head tilts back by the realization. 

‘’ I have to get a tattoo? ‘’ 

Lexa nods again. Slow and hesitant.

Clarke is not sure how the procedure goes to get a tattoo. She has never seen anyone get one before, and even if Clarke never have thought about it before, she doesn't think that she would mind to get one. It is just a tattoo. And if it means that that’s what it is going to take to be part of Trikru, then she is willing to do it. So she tilts her chin down in a nod, steady and clear. 

‘’ Okay then. ‘’ 

‘’ Let’s do it. “ 

  
  
  


_______________________

  
  
  
  


After moments of hesitation, moments of uncertainty and doubts. After moments of begging, Clarke had managed to convince Lexa enough to let her go through with the procedure. To finally let her become Trikru.

Clarke had felt her heart jolt the moment she said it, and she has not felt it slow down since. It beats a thousand miles per hour inside her chest, trudging against her ribcage the more she thinks about it. The more Clarke thinks about that at the end of the day, she will officially be part of Trikru, and will officially carry their name, _proudly so._

Clarke can not stop smiling from the thought. Although, Lexa makes sure to ask her every few minutes if Clarke is _completely _sure, that she in fact, will not regret this in a few months or even years.

Lexa had explained that the rules can be somewhat different from the ones who are born with Trikru blood than it is for the ones who converts to the clan. Apparently, if you become part of a new clan and then do something to show yourself as disloyal or not trustworthy, the punishments can be rather painful and might even result in death depending on the actions they have made.

Yet, Clarke knows that it is not going to happen. She knows that she wants this, and she is going to stay loyal to this clan and to make sure to belong.

Clarke glances up to Lexa’s side from where she walks beside her down the dark hallway. Her heavy armors are back on and she is back in full Commander gear. Everything right in place except for the warpaint on her face.

The tattoo is the first step into converting to the clan. Lexa had explained that it does not need to happen in front of everyone else, but it does need to happen with the Commander present. But Clarke doesn’t mind. In fact, she prefers that Lexa will be right by her side. It makes her feel more calm and relaxed. Knowing that she will be able to glance over to have Lexa right there.

However, everything else will have to happen with the rest of the Trikru clan as witnesses. Clarke will have to kneel in front of Lexa and swear their oath of loyalty before the rest of Trikru. Lexa had called to a meeting tonight. Tonight, Clarke will become part of Trikru. 

Although, looking at Lexa and over the features in her face, Clarke can tell that she is not nearly as calm as Clarke feels. Her spine is rigid and her jaw painfully tight.

‘’ Breathe. ‘’ Clarke mimics the words of what Lexa told her last night, she mimics them with a teasing smile upon her face and carefully nudges at Lexa’s side.

Watching as the words makes Lexa soften her guard and relax in her shoulders. Clarke didn’t know that it would make Lexa so nervous that Clarke was joining Trikru, but it is kind of intriguing to watch how it does.

‘’ Wait. ‘’

Lexa whispers once they finally walks down a stair of steps that leads to a room in the far end of the hallway. In the room where all of the Grounders get their tattoos over their skin.

Lexa stops and places herself between Clarke and the door in an instant. Her hands gently holds over Clarke’s and Clarke can feel how her heart speeds by the touch. It makes her breathing uneven and her hands shiver. Lexa’s eyes are serious and dark yet filled with vulnerability and softness as Clarke stares into them.

‘’ Are you sure about this? ‘’ She asks, low enough for Clarke to be the only one to hear. 

‘’ After the ceremony tonight we can not take this back. ‘’ 

‘’ Though, you have until then to change your mind and I will not blame you for it. ‘’ 

Clarke smiles gently by Lexa’s tenderness. She lightly squeezes her hands in the palms of her own before she takes a deep breath.

‘’ I’m sure. ‘’ 

‘’ I want this. ‘’ Clarke fills in when Lexa remains silent and uncertain.

Clarke is sure. She is more than sure that this is what she wants and with _ who _ she wants. For the first time in her life, Clarke is _ madly _ in love, and she does not want to change this for anything in the world. She plans to stay committed to this promise of loyalty to the Trikru clan. To Lexa’s home, that is soon to be, her own home. She wants this, because to be honest, Clarke has come to fall in love with Polis, nearly as much as she has fallen in love with Lexa. With the people in it, their way of life and the way they live. With their culture and traditions that Clarke has yet to become fully familiar with. There is still _ a lot _ to learn, but Clarke wants to learn it and to live by it.

She tugs at Lexa’s hand with the smile still plastered onto her face. She tugs at her hand before she opens the door to the room and steps inside. It is time. Clarke will become part of Trikru. Clarke will become, _ Clarke Kom Trikru. _

Once they step inside the room, Clarke is fast to let go of Lexa’s hand as soon as she notices the older Grounder. He is sitting in the dark room filled with burning candles and with different tools and supplies on the table in front of him.

His clothing is dark and looks rather heavy, and his face is mostly covered by a black long beard and different tattoos. If Clarke wouldn’t have known the Grounders as well as she would like to think that she does, she believes that she would have found him rather intimidating and scary.

She makes sure to step further into the room, letting Lexa take initiative and guide Clarke closer to him with her hands clasped behind her back.

‘’ Cadmond. ‘’ Lexa calls out, and the man immediately rises to his feet by the knowledge of his Commander’s presence.

He puts away the knife he had been holding on the table in the middle of the room before he tilts his chin down in a small bow. 

‘’ Heda. ‘’ 

It doesn’t take long for him to be aware of Clarke’s presence either, and when he does, he makes sure to nod politely as a greeting and Clarke finds herself doing the same.

She notices how Lexa glances over her shoulder, looking for any signs of regrets or doubts on the features in Clarke’s face. Although, Clarke takes the opportunity to lightly smile back in response. Making Lexa aware of that she has still not changed her mind, and that she is still planning to go through with this. The smile must have been a clear enough of a sign as Lexa immediately turns her attention back on Cadmond. 

‘’ Clarke here, has made the decision to join us.‘’

‘’ And we have come to get her body print. ‘’

Clarke can notice how Cadmond turns his attention to her in an instant. His eyes travel over her body in a confused expression with probably a thousands thoughts spinning in his mind. Thoughts as to why one with Skaikru blood would choose to join another clan. Why someone who belongs to one of the greatest enemies that they have had, wants to do such a thing as to join Trikru. It probably does not make sense to him, yet it doesn’t take long before he turns his attention to Lexa. 

‘’ All right. ‘’ 

‘’ Please, sit. ‘’ 

Cadmond gestures for the chair in the back of the room, by a chair close to an open fireplace.

Clarke realizes that she has no idea how their tattoos are made. She never made sure to ask Lexa about it. She has no idea how badly it will hurt but she assumes that it probably will cause some pain.

With a glance over at Lexa who immediately raises her chin and keeps her stare sharp back at Clarke, Clarke makes sure to walk over to the chair. This is it, she figures. This is the beginning to something completely new. This is the beginning to a forever with Lexa.

Clarke leans back into the chair. Her heart as begun to speed, but not for the same reason as Lexa is able to set in motion. This is more nerve wrecking and arises an excitement that is far different from the one Lexa makes her feel.

Clarke can feel as her palms start to sweat, and her legs start to be hard to keep still. Her mind is running and her gut clenching with an anxious excitement. She watches Lexa walk up close to her side. Her hands clasped behind her back before she stands still right by the chair near Clarke. Clarke is glad that Lexa is here with her. Doing this alone, would have been a thousand times worse. 

“ What kind of tattoo do I get? “ 

Clarke looks between Lexa and Cadmond. She had not even thought about what design to get or where on her body she would put it, not even how big or small she wishes.

Clarke glances between the two as the silence fills the room. Watching how Cadmond starts preparing the tools on the other side of the room, back to watch how Lexa lowers her chin and leans closer to Clarke. 

“ He will decide something that is symbolic and personal only for you. “ 

Lexa explains with her voice low enough only for Clarke to hear. Clarke reacts to the new given information. Wondering what she will get that is symbolic just for her, and how Cadmond will know that since this is their first time meeting.

Clarke looks back up at Lexa, noticing the question lingering behind her irises. The question if Clarke has changed her mind and wants to leave. But Clarke doesn’t want to. Even if the new information was unexpected and made her feel a bit unease by the nervousness, Clarke has not changed her mind. Like she told herself earlier. It is only a tattoo. Only a black mark on her body. 

Cadmond returns to Clarke’s side a moment later with a bowl of ink and two large sticks in his hands. One of the sticks are attached to a thorn, and the other is only a regular stick.

Clarke lets her eyes travel over the instruments, wondering just how this all works. Thinking about how she soon will have a tattoo stuck to her body for the rest of her life. Her mother would go crazy if she could see Clarke right now. Of the decisions she is making. She would not agree with this in the least, and would only blame Clarke for being irresponsible. Although she is not here, and Clarke is old enough to make decisions for herself. She has been mature enough to make them since Abby sent her down on Earth like a lab rat to die. 

“ All right, hold out your arm. “

Clarke does as she’s told, and folds up the end of her sweater to expose the skin that was hiding underneath.

The hair on her arms slightly rises from the coldness in the room, and Clarke only gets more nervous once Cadmond gets a steady hold of her wrist.

At least it seems like the tattoo will be done over her right wrist, and Clarke is thankful that it is not down her spine like one of Lexa’s. She can not even imagine just how painful it must have been for Lexa to get that one. 

“ Any second thoughts, Clarke? “ Lexa makes sure to ask lightly and Clarke glances up to meet her eyes. 

“ No, I’m okay. “ 

“ Are you ready? “ Cadmond asks instead and Clarke turns her attention to him. Her chin tilts down in a small nod before she sucks a sharp breath to her lungs.

“ Yes. “ She breathes, and she watches how Cadmond gets closer.

He dips the stick with a thorn into the bowl of ink before bringing it closer to Clarke’s body. Closer to the inside of Clarke’s wrist and just above her hand. Clarke closes her eyes and tugs at her lips the moment she can feel the sharpness meet her skin. The sharp touch as Cadmond hits one stick over the other into Clarke’s skin.

It leaves a burning pain over Clarke’s flesh. A pain unfamiliar to anything she has ever felt. A pain of sharpness unlike anything else. It is not the kind of pain she has felt when she has been cut with a knife. This is different. It makes her whole body shiver each time he is hitting a nerve and Clarke keeps her eyes closed through the whole procedure.

She tries to keep her breathing steady and calm, but with a few minutes into the session, Clarke can soon feel Lexa’s fingers gently brush against her own. It is a comforting and relaxing touch. A touch that reminds Clarke that Lexa is still here. That Lexa is with her through this, and knows what it is like to experience this. 

Clarke tries to think about how all the Grounders have some type of tattoo. How Lexa has _ three _ of them, whereas two of them are quite large. Whereas one of them are straight down her spine. She tries to think about how she has been through worse, and that this is nothing compared to some of the pain she has felt before.

With that thought, Clarke opens her eyes and glances back up at Lexa. Noticing how her brows are furrowed on her forehead and her lips barely parted to let air smoothly down to her lungs. She looks worried and scared for Clarke. Worried that she has put Clarke through something that she should not have allowed.

Clarke wants to grab onto Lexa’s hand, to make sure that she knows that she is okay. Yet she is unsure if she can or not in the presence of the other warrior. She knows that they can be sweeter and more affectionate towards each other in private, yet it is different when it comes to showing it in public.

So Clarke smiles back, reassuringly and clear. She is _ okay_. She _ wants _ this. She tries to tell Lexa with only the smile on her face. She does not want Lexa to feel guilt or blame. Because this, is going to bring Clarke closer to a feeling of home different from anything she has felt before. This is all she needs. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


__________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also I have no idea how the grounders make their tattoos but I did some research and found this way people used to do them and how some in different cultures still does them, so I got my inspiration from that haha


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> finallyyy I'm back with a new chapter! It feels like I made you guys wait so long since I updated so much last week haha! But now I'm finally back with the next chapter and we're starting to wrap up the storylines as we are getting to the end of this story :/ 
> 
> I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think!

**” **Which tattoo was your first one? “

Clarke asks slowly. She looks up from where she is sitting on the edge of the couch with Lexa kneeling on the floor before her. Watching how Lexa stops putting ointment over Clarke’s new given tattoo before she glances up to meet her eyes. Lexa’s eyes are soft and gentle. There is a vulnerability lingering in them that Clarke has yet to get fully used to. There is just something amazing and mesmerizing in the way her pupils can become so wide and only make her irises appear darker and deeper. They seem so welcoming and warm, and Clarke gets lost in them each time. She’s watching in silence how Lexa shifts on the floor in front of her before a light breath escapes her lips. Watching how Lexa glances to her arm where her coat is now hiding the tattoo underneath, and Clarke lets her own eyes slowly follow Lexa’s gaze. 

‘’ I got it at a very young age. As a symbol of strength and to show that I am part of Trikru. ‘’ 

Clarke nods slowly. Listening to how Lexa explains more things that Clarke does not know about her. She is aware of how she got the one down her spine on the day she ascended and became Commander. Maybe it is some kind of traditional Commander tattoo, but Clarke is not familiar with the last one she’s got. Of the one on the back of her neck. 

'’ And the one of the infinity symbol? ‘’ Clarke asks, unable to contain the curiousness she can feel only grow stronger in her body. 

‘’ I got it on the day I ascended. ‘’ 

‘’ That too? ‘’

Lexa nods. In slow movements she begins to apply more of the cream over Clarke’s tattoo again. It is cold once it meets her skin and Clarke lightly shivers by the touch. Lexa has not left her side _ once _ since the procedure, and made sure to explain to Clarke how important it is to look after the tattoo once it is done to prevent it from getting infected. And since Lexa knows more about how to do that, Clarke had let her take care of it, and had let Lexa show her just how it is done. The procedure had taken a couple of minutes, maybe close to an hour. But every minute, Lexa spent it waiting by Clarke’s side. Keeping a close watch on precisely every move Cadmond made over Clarke’s skin. Watching with her spine straight and with her eyes focused if Clarke showed any signs of doubts or regrets. Clarke enjoys the consideration, and had clearly felt Lexa’s fingers brush against her own every now and then in a gentle comfort. Yet, only having Lexa close to her side had been comforting enough. It still is. It is calming to know that she’s got Lexa close to her side, and to know that she looks after her. Because Clarke knows that she does. She has _ seen _it in every action she has made.

Clarke removes her eyes from Lexa with a hidden smile lingering on her lips before she glances back to her own tattoo over her wrist. It is a rather small tattoo, with symbols that looks close to letters yet that Clarke can not read. She’s got one circle at the top with a few smaller ones underneath. It kind of looks similar to Lexa’s tattoo that she’s got down her back, only with fewer details and not nearly as big. 

“ What does mine mean? “ 

Clarke notices how the question makes the corner of Lexa’s lips twitch in a small smile. 

“ It is symbolic for your journey to earth. “ 

“ _ Leader of the sky. “ _

Lexa smiles softly while her finger traces over the unfamiliar symbols of letters over Clarke’s skin. Her touch is electric and sends shivers down Clarke’s spine. Just the way she touches her makes Clarke lose her breath and her eyes to feel in daze as they travel over every feature in Lexa’s face. Clarke can feel as the words and new knowledge of her tattoo pulls at a small smile in the corner of her own lips. Knowing that even though she converts to the Trikru clan, she will always have that part of her history with her. Because even if she becomes part of another clan, the person of who she used to be and the place that she comes from, will always be with her. 

” I like it. “ Clarke whispers, and Lexa looks up to meet her eyes in an instant. Every feature in her face looks calm and soft. Knowing that Clarke does not regret this, and still wants to go through with her decision. Because Clarke does. She has not felt doubtful once. Not once since she returned to Polis. She wants this. All of this, and tonight she will have it. Tonight they will gather together, every warrior that is part of the Trikru clan. And they will watch as Clarke swears the oath of loyalty and bows before Lexa. The ceremony will take place, _ tonight, _and every part of Clarke’s body speeds in a rush of excitement by the thought of it.

“ It is done. “ Lexa breathes suddenly and pulls away lightly from Clarke’s body. Her tattoo is now fully covered with a whitish cream that is supposed to help with the healing of her tattoo and to kill bacteria from getting in and get it infected. Yet the cream soon sinks into Clarke’s flesh as her skin begins to absorb it. It is cold and slightly sticky over her wrist, however her skin does not hurt nearly as much as it had done before. It still feels quite sore, although the coldness of the cream helps in numbing that too. 

Clarke lets out a heavy breath, studying the new given tattoo on her wrist before she rolls down the sleeves of her sweater again. 

“ I will have to talk to Tamari’s daughter today.” 

Lexa pulls herself up from the floor with the words clenching at the back of her throat, and Clarke’s attention turns to her in an instant by the familiar name. By the name that still makes her heart pound in heavy beats and still makes her feel like she got punched in the gut. She had almost forgotten, and Clarke hates how she realizes that just now. How could she forget about Tamari? About Stella who is probably still wondering why her mother never returned with the rest of them. Maybe she has already figured it out, yet Clarke understands that Lexa will still need to talk to her. She will still need to explain what happened and give Stella some kind of closure. 

Clarke swallows thickly before she clears her throat from the tightness that occurred. 

“ Do you want me to come with? “ 

She watches how Lexa makes her way to the back of the room. To the back where the stone wall separates the rest of the room from her bathroom, just like it does in Clarke’s own room. She watches how Lexa disappears from behind the wall to put the ointment back in its place in one of the drawers. Honestly, just thinking about the conversation that Lexa will be forced to have with Stella makes Clarke feel nauseous. She does not want to see the look on the child’s face once she realizes what happened. Yet, Clarke doesn’t want Lexa to have to face it alone. She wants to support Lexa as much as she has supported Clarke. Although, Lexa soon enough returns from behind the wall that was separating her from the other room. She returns slowly and quietly, and Clarke watches every move she makes as she steps closer to Clarke and to the side of the couch. 

“ Thank you, Clarke. “ Lexa pauses. 

“ Though, I will have to do this alone for the sake of her privacy. “ 

Clarke nods understanding. It makes sense. Stella would probably not want someone she barely knows in on a conversation like that regarding her mother. Clarke understands that, and she fully supports it. She wouldn’t have wanted it either. Instead, Clarke rises from the couch and walks over to Lexa. 

“ Will I see you after? “ She asks before the doors pulls at their attention in an instant and makes both of them turn. One of Lexa’s guards is the first one to walk in, yet Clarke can see the familiar faces coming soon after. 

“ Forgive me, Heda. “ 

“ Though, you have visitors. “ 

He speaks loud and clear and they both watch as Octavia walks in with Raven and Lincoln soon behind. Seeing their faces sets a motion of nervousness and excitement rush through Clarke’s body. She is happy to see them, still she can’t help but to feel nervous about their visit. Why are they here? Why are they not with Luna by the sea?

“ We’re sorry to come unannounced, but we need to speak with Clarke. “ Octavia states and it immediately makes Clarke’s gut only tighten even harder. What is so important that they made their way all over here only to speak to her? Did they found out about Clarke joining Trikru and now wants to stop her? Clarke has no idea, but whatever it is, the look in their eyes reveals that it is important. 

Clarke immediately shoots a glance at Lexa, watching how one of her brows is arched in a silent question while she meets Clarke’s eyes. 

“ It’s fine. “ She says. “ I’ll see you later. “ 

Lexa tilts her chin down in a silent nod before glancing between the other three by the door. Though she soon turn her eyes back over at Clarke. 

“ I will find you after I have spoken to Stella. “ Lexa lets out low and gentle before making her way out of the room only to leave the other four alone with the doors closed behind. Yet it is only once Lexa has left that Clarke turns her gaze to travel over the other friendly faces in the room. The room manage to feel colder suddenly. A tension fills the air around them, and Clarke almost feels guilty about how she decided to return to Polis yet again. Seeing her friends here, makes her feel guilty for not offering this life for them. 

“ So, are you two like together now? “ Raven asks once she turns from watching the doors close to return them back to Clarke. Clarke can feel her heart jump by the question. She hates the way it almost makes her feel guilty. She has such a good life here with Lexa. A life where she is genuinely happy, yet now she feels guilty for it. She is not even sure why. She should be able to feel happiness without feeling guilty for it. So why can’t she? However, she huffs before walking back to sit down on the couch.

“ I don’t know. ” She says in a breath and with her heart in her throat. They do not need to know about her relationship with Lexa. Clarke is not even sure if they would understand it. Instead, she feels as the drought rises up and settles steady in the back of her throat with her heart pounding fast. It pulses in every muscle in her body, and Clarke almost fears what is about to come next. 

“ So why are you here? I thought you’d be with Luna. “ Clarke asks in an attempt to change the subject. She watches as Octavia exhales deeply before all three of them takes their place near the couch. Octavia finds the place right beside Clarke and Raven sits comfortably in the chair just beside, while Lincoln remains standing up. 

“ We were. “ Octavia explains. 

“ But Luna told us about the attack. “ 

“ She told us how Lexa had asked her to send warriors to fight. “ 

Clarke can only feel her heart pound faster by the realization. That was probably why they had found Azgeda warriors near Arkadia too. They were only getting ready to attack according to Lexa’s orders. 

“ We returned to Arkadia as soon as we heard, but it was too late. “ 

Clarke lowers her chin. Remembering the sea of dead bodies spread out all over the ground of Arkadia. Bodies covered in blood and mud. Bodies drained by the rain from the sky. She remembers Tamari, and her struggling breaths before she faded away into the light of death. It was a painful vision, and it still makes Clarke’s heart shatter. She never wished for a war, she just wanted it all to end. 

“ I didn’t.. “ Clarke begins. She feels as the words struggles to get through before she takes a new breath. 

“ I never knew that they were going to attack. “ She looks up. Eyes traveling between the other three. Noticing how Lincoln raises his chin and Raven rolls her eyes before a brow arches. 

“ What _ did _ Lexa say to you, Clarke? “ Octavia asks curiously and Clarke turns to look at her. She can only feel as her body heats by the sudden change of tension in the room. Of the familiar tension that had been one of the reasons as to why Clarke decided to leave Arkadia. It all only makes her anxious. 

“ Only to find Luna and be out of Arkadia by the fourth day. “ Clarke sighs while she nods by the words, it is true. That was what Lexa had told her to do. It had been important to leave, and Clarke knew that. Clarke never knew the reason, though she did know that Lexa wanted her to go before it was too late. That’s how Clarke had known that it had been important, and that’s why Clarke told everyone she cares for the most. She wanted them safe. She wanted them to be good, so that Clarke could feel good. Because if something were to ever happen to any of them, to any of her friends, Clarke would not be able to live with that guilt. 

” Abby told us about Pike. “ Octavia lowers her chin, and Clarke can feel as her heart stops by the familiar name. Of the person whose life Clarke took. In one moment of anger, Clarke had taken the life from him. In a selfish act full of hatred. 

“ She told us that he never returned from the war. “ 

Clarke swallows thickly. No he didn’t. Because she killed him. Because she stabbed a sword through his chest and watched how life left his eyes. 

“ _ Clarke. “ _

Clarke glances up by her name, meeting Octavia’s eyes with tears burning inside her own. She almost wants to cry, yet she can’t. Instead her brows arches and her jaw clenches. Her hands begin to shiver as she keeps them locked between her thighs in her lap. Palms sweating and her mind racing. 

“ Bellamy turned himself in. “ 

“ What? “ Clarke breathes confused. Her eyes sharpen by the sudden information. Turned himself in where? To who? And why? 

“ I suppose he felt guilty after finding out that Pike died so he turned himself in to the clan by the river. “ 

“ Where is he now? “ Clarke asks with her eyes staring between the others in the room. Her heart trudges on the inside of her chest, and it almost hurts in the uneven rhythm it finds and Clarke’s throat feels painfully dry. Why would he do something like that? Yet, Clarke watches how Octavia swallows thickly with her eyes locked on Clarke. 

“ He’s outside with the Grounders, they’re waiting to get orders from Lexa. “ 

  
  
  
  
  


________________

One hundred and two people. Eight different villages. Over a hundred deaths and probably more wounded, that’s what Pike and Bellamy caused when they decided to attack innocent Grounder villages. Those are the deaths that the Grounders want justice for. The deaths that they deserve justice for. Yet thanks to Clarke, Pike managed to get an easy way out. So that leaves all, to Bellamy. Now the Grounders expect justice for him. They want to make him suffer like he made them do. It is only fair. The only thing that could be fair. So why can’t Clarke get rid of the twisting thickness growing in her gut by the thought of it? By the uncertainty in not knowing if Lexa is going to order her people to kill him. Will she? Clarke is not even sure. If she would not have known Lexa any better, she is almost certain that she would have ordered to kill him without a doubt. Now though, Clarke is not so sure. She doesn’t want Bellamy to die. He has done unforgivable things, and Clarke has _ hated _ him for it. She still does _ hate _ him for it. No matter how hard she tries, she can not understand why anyone would do what he did. Why he followed Pike. But he did, and now Clarke can do nothing else but to hate him. Yet, a part of her doesn’t want him to die. She wants them to be past that now. Past the killing and going forward to a brighter future. She doesn’t want to continue to live in the shadow of death, but rather to _ glow _ in the sun of light. 

Clarke walks until she finds herself on the outside of the hovering building of Lexa’s tower. She walks until she finds unbothered Grounders walking around the streets of the Capital, of the streets full of life and laughter. Of Grounders that are yet to know what is about to happen to her friend, to Octavia’s brother, or maybe they just do not care at all. Maybe they are all just waiting patiently for this. Waiting to be given orders from Lexa to have the right to kill Bellamy. Clarke feels sick just by the thought. She does not want more people to die. She doesn’t want Bellamy to die. They used to be friends. Yet, Clarke has no idea in how to stop this. She is not even sure she can. This one, is out of her control. This one, is completely and solely up to Lexa to decide. 

The streets of Polis are full of life, full of Grounders in different clothing and armors walking around. Full of children playing with their wooden-swords, and full of hunters who are preparing tonight’s meal. Yet, as much as Clarke’s gaze travels over her surroundings, neither Lexa or Bellamy are anywhere to be seen. Lexa had plans to talk to Stella, Clarke knows that. But maybe the Grounders who were with Bellamy caught her first and maybe they have already sent him away to kill him. Clarke swallows thickly by the thought. _ Please let her be wrong. Please let her have more time to talk to Lexa. _Clarke can feel as her palms begin to sweat and her heart races as she stares around the sea of people. The other three are right behind her, and Clarke can clearly feel their presence close to her own. Clarke knows that as much as Octavia may hate Bellamy after what he has done, he is still her brother and deep down, she doesn’t want him to die. Lincoln and Bellamy are the closest to family that she has. She can’t lose that. Clarke will not let her lose that. 

“ Do you see him? “ Octavia asks, and Clarke lightly shakes her head before she swallows thickly. 

“ No. “ She sighs. 

They have to be here somewhere, _ they have to _. Lexa had left the room only a few minutes before they did. There is no chance that she has had the time to speak to them already. It is not possible. 

” Maybe we should split up? We will be able to find them faster. “ Lincoln suggest, and honestly the idea does not sound terrible. They can not just stand still and hope for the best because while they do, something might happen. So Clarke nods in agreement. 

“ Okay. “ 

“ You guys can search the land by the gates and I’ll check the tents. “ 

“ You’ll go by yourself? “ Octavia asks, and Clarke nods. If she does end up finding Lexa, it will be easier for Clarke to speak to her alone than to have anyone from Skaikru with her. It is safer this way, and Clarke can not risk anything bad happening now. 

“ We’ll meet up here later if no one finds them.” 

The other nods understanding in agreement. They _ have _ to find them. Clarke has to find Lexa. Not to stop her or convince her not to kill Bellamy, but rather to hear what she’s planning and be prepared for what _ can _ happen to him. Are they going to kill him, torture him, let him go? Clarke has no clue. She figures that the last option is probably not even an option. After everything Bellamy did with Pike, the Grounders _ wants _ justice. Especially now when they didn’t get it for Pike. Clarke sighs heavily by the thoughts. Did she just put Bellamy’s life in danger by killing Pike? Clarke doesn’t even want to think about it. Because when she does, it only makes her want to throw up. Did she do this? Is she the reason Bellamy might get killed? The thoughts are heavy as they only begin to spin faster in Clarke’s mind. She needs to find Lexa, _ now. _

  
  
  
  


_________________

Clarke figures that she has probably searched every tent inside the gates of Polis by the time her hope is now starting to run out. She hasn’t heard anything new from Octavia and the others. No new information if they have already found Bellamy or not. Clarke wonders if she should just return to the entrance of Lexa’s building and wait for them. Maybe they are already there, waiting for her. Maybe they have not been able to find them yet either. Or maybe Clarke is only wasting time in trying to find them when maybe they have already left. By now, Clarke’s head is only filled with mixed thoughts and mixed feelings. She finds herself standing in the crossroad of the people she wants to belong to, to Lexa, and to the people her friends belongs to, and from where she comes from. She wants the Grounders to get justice for the lives that they lost. She knows that they deserve it. Yet Clarke only wishes that her people were not the ones who caused it and now have to suffer the consequences. That Bellamy didn’t do all this. If he had just listened to Clarke the first time she warned him, he would not have been in this situation right now. And Clarke would not have to feel the anxious need to save him again. 

“ So, Tamari died. “ 

Clarke glances to her side, only to find Aden standing close to her. She had not even realized that she stopped walking and now finds herself in front of the wall of hope. In front of the wall full of handprints of deceased warriors. Clarke feels her jaw tighten by the sight and by the words of Aden. She did die. She died in Clarke’s arms by the wound of a gunshot from one of her people. Clarke feels sick just by the thought. She died. She was left alone in the mud-covered ground and in the pouring rain. She was left struggling for breath as more blood started to leave her body from the wound in her abdomen. 

Clarke closes her eyes and sighs. 

“ Yes. “ She whispers and can feel her throat physically tighten by the words. 

“ I figured that was it when I saw the Commander. “ 

The words are quick to make Clarke open her eyes and turn them back over at Aden. 

“ What? “ She asks, and Aden stares back confused. Yet it doesn’t take long before he nods in the direction to one of the tents in the far end of the Capital. 

“ I saw the Commander guide Tamari’s daughter in to the tent to talk. “ 

“ I have been around long enough to recognize what it means. “ Aden sighs before he lowers his chin. Clarke glances over at the tent in the direction Aden showed and can feel her heart speed up in an instant. _ Thank you _, she thinks. Talking to Lexa is really all she needs, and now she finally knows where to find her. 

Clarke gently puts her hand over Aden’s shoulder, yet keeps her eyes locked on the tent in her sight. 

“ Thank you. “ She says before she quickly moves past him and starts walking closer to the tent. Closer to Lexa. Although as Clarke starts walking closer, she only becomes more uncertain if she should walk in or not. If Lexa is in there with Stella, having the painful conversation that Clarke has dreaded, then Clarke does not want to walk in and interrupt. Even Lexa told her that she could not be there due to Stella’s privacy. Clarke has to respect that. She has to give Lexa time to talk to Stella. And she has to give Stella time to take in the new information about her dead mother. So Clarke stops right by the opening of the large tent. Her heart trudges inside her chest, and it almost ends up only leaving her nauseous. Her palms are sweating and her mind racing as she stand close, stands close to listen to any kind of voices she can hear. Although it seems rather quiet, almost too quiet. No voices or movements being heard. The lack of noise is probably what makes Clarke more nervous. It is too silent. Too silent for the kind of conversation they were supposed to have. Clarke had expected to hear more calming words and more cries, yet now she can only feel her heart speed up by the lack of them. So Clarke takes a breath before she pulls at the opening of the tent and lightly steps inside. 

“ Lexa? “ She asks, and her eyes are quick to land on the other two in the tent. Quick to watch how Lexa stands still with her hand over Stella’s shoulder. Quick to realize how they both have turned their attention to Clarke, and Lexa slowly removes her hand from the younger girl the moment her eyes land on Clarke. 

“ Clarke? “ She asks confused but lightly with a brow arched on her forehead. The sight is enough to make Clarke feel unease and to make her want to run away. Yet it also brings a kind of relief to wash through her body. They’re here. _ She’s _here. 

“ Oh sorry.. “ Clarke mumbles before she clears her throat from the drought in her mouth. 

“ I didn’t mean to interrupt. “ 

Clarke’s eyes travel between the other two. Watching how Stella stands with her spine straight and her jaw tightly clenched. Her eyes looks like they are burning and the sight is enough to make Clarke feel unease. 

“ We had just begun. “ Lexa explains as she breaks the silence in the tent, and that is when it finally hits Clarke. _ Oh. _ She had just walked in on the one moment she should have stayed away from. From the one moment Lexa had asked her not to join. So Clarke finds herself standing silently with her mouth half agape. _ Oh. _

“ I’ll wait outside. “ Clarke whispers, yet just as she is about to turn around, Stella is quick to interrupt. 

“ Hod op. “ Stella pauses. 

“ She can stay. “ 

Clarke turns by the words. Noticing how Lexa glances over at the young child and probably feels just as surprised as Clarke does by the sudden invitation. 

“ She knew my mother. I want her to stay. “ Stella explains with an unsure use of the unfamiliar english language and Clarke can immediately feel her stomach twist. She is not sure if she _ wants _in on the conversation. She is not sure if she can handle it. Yet she doesn’t want to tell Stella no. To reject her wish now that she does want her here. Instead, Clarke shoots a stare at Lexa. Looking for any kind of answers from her. And when Lexa slowly tilts her chin down in a nod, Clarke breathes out heavily. 

“ Okay. “ She whispers softly before she begins to step further into the tent. Watching quietly as Lexa takes a deep breath before she pulls at the braid of hair from inside her coat. She holds in firmly in her hands and Clarke’s heart immediately tightens by the sight. By watching the strand of Tamari’s brown hair lay gently in the palm of Lexa’s hand. 

“ Your mother, was a courageous warrior. “ Lexa says softly. 

“ Her name will always be honored. “ 

Clarke lowers her chin by the words. The muscles around her heart tightens painfully hard and she feels on the verge of throwing up. She remembers the conversation she had with Tamari in the woods on their way to Arkadia. How Tamari had explained that she is training Stella to become a skilled warrior so that she will be able to make it through the conclave. Who is going to help her with that now? Clarke can feel the tears burn in her own eyes by the thoughts in her head, she can not even imagine how Stella must feel. Yet she can see in the corner of her eyes how Lexa gently places the braid of hair in the palm of Stella’s hand instead. Making sure that she holds it firmly. 

“ I lost my mother and father when I was around your age as well. “ Lexa lets out softly and it immediately makes Clarke glance over to her in a curious motion. She has never heard this story before. It just now hits her that Lexa has never talked about her parents before. Not who they were or how and when they died. It has never even crossed her mind that Lexa may have grown up without a parent. She knew that Anya had played a huge role in her life, but maybe Anya fulfilled a bigger role than Clarke first realized. Maybe she fulfilled a more motherly role since Lexa’s biological mother wasn’t around in her youth or first years as Commander. Only that, makes Clarke’s heart break. 

“ They died in battle just like yours. “ 

“ Were you sad? “ 

Clarke can feel as her eyes begin to scan every feature of Lexa’s face. Noticing everything from the way her jaw clenches and her throat gulps to how her chest raises in a heavy rhythm. 

“ Yes. “ She breathes as the memories returns to her. Memories that still must be haunting her, and Clarke wonders just how Lexa found out about her parents death. Did she have this exact conversation with the last Commander? Clarke’s chest heavens by the thought. By just imagining Lexa having to live through something so cruel. She knows how it feels to lose a parent, but to lose both of them? And at such a young age. It must be almost unbearable. Lexa has probably lost more loved ones than anyone Clarke knows. She has gone through death and war so much that it almost has begun to become normal for her, and only that, is heartbreaking. Something like that should not be normal, not for anyone. 

“ Though you will find strength within yourself, and if not, I will help you find it. “ 

Clarke can feel as the smile pulls at the corner of her lips. It is still so unusual and rare to see Lexa like this. So motherly and sweet with her nightbloods. It is just another side of her that Clarke has come to love. A side of her that Clarke first never knew existed. Yet now it has come to be one of her favorite sides of Lexa. A side of her that Clarke appreciates and cherish so much. 

“ Clarke? “ Lexa suddenly speaks and Clarke is immediately drawn out from her thoughts. 

“ Bellamy is waiting down in the prison chamber, I suppose you were looking for him? “ 

Clarke lets out a relieved sigh by the words. _ Yes, _ she thinks. She _ was _ looking for him. 

“ Have one of my guards show you the way and I will meet you there shortly. “ 

Clarke tilts her chin down in a small nod. _ Okay, _that sounds like a plan. She feels relieved by the knowledge that Lexa already is aware of Bellamy’s presence in Polis and that she is giving Clarke time to talk to him, or just to see him. Clarke needs that before they decide what to do with him. She needs a moment alone with him to understand why he did what he did. 

“ Okay. “ Clarke says softly, and with that, Clarke gives a final glance at Stella before she makes her way out of the tent. Now, she _ needs _ to find Bellamy. 

  
  
  
  


_______________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- translation - 
> 
> hod up = wait  
azgeda = ice nation


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> because I don’t want to spoil anything, I have written everything in my notes at the end of the chapter!

Five hours, sixteen minutes and eight seconds. That is how much of this day that Clarke has already spent awake. That has been enough of time for Clarke to convince Lexa to let her join Trikru, to her getting a tattoo onto the skin on her wrist, and also to fear the faith of her friend. Or _ used to be friend. _ Clarke is not sure what they are any longer. She is tired of this. Tired of saving others, tired of feeling the _ need _ to save them and tired to feel anxious when she fears that she will not be able to. She returned to Polis in an attempt to escape all of that. To be free from the responsibility of being a leader. She does not want that role any more. Now, she simply wants to be only _ Clarke. _ Her own self, and nothing other than just that. Not a leader, not a warrior and not a _ killer. _ Simply and solely, _ Clarke. _ Her labels as Clarke Griffin _ the Skaikru leader, _ or Wanheda _ the mountain slayer, _ those are gone. Those are labels that she does not want to be connected to any longer. She only wants to be _ Clarke _, and that really should be enough. 

Lexa had made sure to put Bellamy in the prison chamber furthest down in her tower for him to wait there until she is done talking to Stella. Until she has figured out what to do to him and how to solve the situation. Clarke is not even sure if Lexa has it all figured out. She has no idea of the thoughts that goes on in Lexa’s mind, but at least Lexa had given Clarke time to see Bellamy and to be able to talk to him. Clarke appreciates that. Even if there is nothing that she can do, at least she will be able to see him and to speak to him. Clarke isn’t sure what she expects, she is not even sure if Bellamy is aware of what kind of situation he has put himself in. Is he doing this solely for the purpose of seeming like the good guy and knowing that Clarke will save him either way? Does he believe that Clarke will be able to save him from this, or spare him the pain like she had done with Finn? Clarke is not sure what his intentions are, but Clarke does know that she will not be able to. This time, there is simply nothing that she can do to stop this or to make it any easier for him. He put himself in this situation, and the faith that lies ahead are the consequences of the actions he has made.

The noise from the old doors echoes between the walls the moment the guard who followed Clarke makes sure to open them. It is dark down in the chamber, no windows that allows sunlight to stream in and the stone walls are full of dust. It really does look like a prison cell, and Clarke has not seen any place like it before. The doors are more like a gate of bars and the room in which Clarke finally finds Bellamy in is not large. He sits quietly on the ground with his hands in chain cuffs. They really made sure to keep him locked up and prevent him from running away, Clarke can tell. The sight is enough to make her feel unease. To make her feel uncomfortable. It sets a twisting motion in her gut and it clenches harder the more she breathes. She hates to see him like this, but maybe it is precisely what he deserves. He’s got one small cut on the side of his cheek and his hair is messy on his head. To be honest, all of him looks like a mess. He does not look like the guy Clarke once knew.

Clarke steps inside slowly and with her heart pounding hard inside her chest. Yet because of the heavy noise from the doors, it does not take long for Bellamy to be aware of her presence. He glances up to meet her eyes in an instant and their gaze soon locks. 

“ Abby said you’d be here. “ 

Clarke huffs, and walks further into the room. She is not sure how to read the comment, not sure if he means it mockingly or as a relief that he did right by coming here to find her. Yet Clarke shoots a glance over her shoulder and watches how the guard locks the door after her before walking away again, leaving them both alone in the prison chamber. 

“ Why are you, Bellamy? “ Clarke sighs before she turns her gaze back at him. Back at the man who looks close to her friend but acts nothing like him. 

“ What the hell are you doing? “ 

This time, it is Bellamy who sighs. 

“ I’m doing the right thing. Like you _ asked _. “ 

Clarke almost wants to laugh by the irony. Now_ ? Now _ he is doing the right thing? After all the times that Clarke warned him to stop. All the times she tried to talk him out of killing yet another Grounder village, and now, _ now _ he wants to do right? He still does not _ get it, _ Clarke is not even sure if Bellamy is even aware that he did wrong or if he is simply here for the guilt and blame he feels for Pike’s death. Because that is what it took for him to come here, Pike’s death was what it took for him to ‘ _ do right’. _And now, Clarke can not let go of the feeling that he is here for the wrong reasons, and now he might get killed for it. 

Clarke lets out a frustrated breath before she walks even closer and kneels on the ground in front of him. 

“ Bellamy, they can torture you. “ Clarke whispers with her stare sharp into his eyes. 

“ You know what they wanted to do to Finn. And your number of deaths are a lot higher than his was. “ 

Clarke swallows thickly and can see as the realization hits Bellamy. They wanted to torture Finn, cut his tongue out for killing _ eighteen _ people. Bellamy has killed more than a hundred, and Clarke does not even want to think about the consequences that lies ahead for him. 

“ I _ can’t _ save you from this, Bellamy! “ Clarke swallows down the thickness in her throat. 

“ And I’m not even sure I should try. “ 

Clarke can notice as Bellamy raises his chin by the words, and she hates the way they leave her mouth. But it is true. Even if she _ could _save him, Clarke is not sure if she would want to. After everything, the Grounders deserve justice. And unfortunately, Bellamy has put this all on himself. He is a grown man, who made decisions by himself and did not care about the lives he took or about the people who tried to stop him. He did not care that his sister’s boyfriend spent months fearing for his life inside the gates of Arkadia. All he cared about was himself and his own losses. And now, he will have to pay for them. Now, only faith can decide what consequences his actions will face and there is nothing that Clarke can do to stop it. 

  
  
  


________________

Clarke spends minutes, probably closer to half an hour, down in the dark chamber of Lexa’s tower before Lexa finally appears by the doors. The minutes they spent waiting for her were silent and the tension in the room sky high. Clarke can not tell if Bellamy is disappointed in her lack of trying to save him, but honestly by this point there is nothing that she can do and Clarke hates the way she feels guilty for it. After everything that she already has tried to do for him and for their people, he holds no right in making her feel guilty for this, yet Clarke hates how he still succeeds in doing just that. 

Still, they both rise to their feet and turns to face the door the moment Lexa steps inside. The red cloth hangs down onto the ground from her shoulder piece and her face looks strong and unmoved, and unable to read. Clarke is not sure if she already has decided what to do with Bellamy, or if she expects Clarke to have a say in this as well. Clarke hopes that she doesn’t, because she doesn’t know what to do and this is not her place to have a say in either. She has come between Lexa and her duties too much before, and she is aware of how she is only putting Lexa in danger by doing so. And that, is the last thing Clarke wants. She does not want to keep putting Lexa in danger because of her own people. Of people that in fact has done wrong in multiple occasions.

Yet Clarke watches how Lexa’s gaze travels between them. The features in her face serious and focused. Her eyes remains a little too long on Clarke and Clarke’s heart aches the moment their eyes lock. She can feel her heart speed inside her chest as her pulse rise before her palms begins to sweat. All that from Lexa’s stare alone. However, it does not take long until Lexa turn to Bellamy instead, and this is it Clarke figures. 

“ Bellamy of the sky people. “ Lexa speaks loud and clear, and Bellamy raises his chin the moment his name is mentioned. 

“ I understand that you turned yourself in as guilty for the crimes caused by your people. “

Bellamy nods while the seriousness remains steady on his face. Clarke figures that he only does that to not appear weak or scared in the moment. To show himself as somehow who owns up to his crimes and for what he has done. He wants to show himself strong and responsible. Yet Clarke can’t help but to see him as nothing else but a coward and a hypocrite. He still believes he’s doing the right thing, only if he did, he would have stopped long ago. He would have stopped when Clarke or anyone else asked him to. He would have stopped long before more lives were taken. Clarke can’t help but to think about how many more people like Tamari had to die because of the wrongs he did. How many _ children _ had to die. Clarke lowers her chin and closes her eyes by the thought before a heavy sigh leaves her lips. She can’t believe he did all of that. And for what? It is not like he gained anything from it. He only did it because he felt angry and hurt by Gina’s death. At least, that’s how it all started. 

“ I have had time to speak with the ambassadors from the River clan, as well as many others. “ 

“ I can not deny my people’s wishes for justice, Bellamy. “ Lexa explains and Clarke can feel her chest become heavier by the words. It is not a surprise that the other clans want something in return. They _ deserve _to get something back. Clarke only hates that this is what it all had to come to. That all of this has to end in yet another bloodbath. 

“ I understand. “ Bellamy speaks low but clear, and Clarke clearly notices the gulp down his throat. He’s scared. She knows he is. 

“ You killed one hundred and two people in the time lap of four months. “ Lexa states and Clarke immediately closes her eyes by the number of people. Over a hundred deaths. Over _ one hundred _ innocent people. It is just unacceptable. Yet, once Clarke looks back up, her eyes falls to Lexa in an instant. She is not sure what she is searching for as her eyes begin to travel over every feature in Lexa’s face. Whether it is for answers or comfort. Maybe it is a mix of both. However, she does manage to see how Lexa’s jaw tightly clenches and her eyes blink back the frustration lingering on the surface before she continues. 

“ The punishment for your crimes will be one hundred and two cuts by the hands of the people you have caused harm. “ 

“ You will leave immediately to go back with the clan from the river. “ 

Clarke can feel her heart stop by the words. She is not sure if she should feel relieved or scared by his punishment. Lexa did not directly order to kill him, yet Clarke knows that it is rare to survive over a hundred cuts. With a glance over at Bellamy, she watches how his spine straightens and his chin raises. There is nothing that they can do to stop this now, and Bellamy will have to face the consequences for his actions one way or the other. And this, is just how Lexa decided to deal with it. Bellamy will follow the Grounders back to the river where he probably will be tied up. Then each Grounder that he has caused harm will get a strike with the knife and leave one cut over Bellamy’s body. That is the deal. _ That _is Bellamy’s punishment. 

  
  
  
  


_______________

Clarke follows as Lexa and her guards begin to guide Bellamy out of the prison chamber and out to the lands outside of the tower. Lexa had made it clear that Bellamy has to leave on a rather short notice and has to make his way to one of the many villages he owns justice to in an instant. Clarke figures that they do not have time to think about this right now. They should be planning for tonight that is only a couple of hours away. They should be planning for Clarke’s ceremony and not deal with punishments like these. Although maybe that is exactly why Lexa decided not to follow the others to the river. Instead, she told them that Indra is going with them to keep a watch on that everything is happening in the way Lexa ordered them to. At least Clarke appreciates that. She would hate for Lexa to have to go back to the river and spend hours away from home now when Clarke is so excited for tonight. She has thought about the ceremony so much that she does not want anything to come between it, not now, and not something like this. Although, Clarke is still not completely sure of what Bellamy’s punishment means for him. She is not sure how good his chances are at survival, but at least Lexa did not directly order to kill him.

“ _ Lexa. “ _Clarke breathes before she gets a hold of Lexa’s arm to stop her. The others are walking further ahead, guiding Bellamy back to the gates of Polis, yet they stop as soon as they notice the Commander stopping behind them. 

“ Take him back to the gates and wait for the other sky people there. “ 

“ You will get orders from Indra when you are free to go. “ Lexa orders in a clear demand and the other guards immediately nods understanding. Clarke figures that Lexa solely did that for the purpose of giving her time alone to talk. To give them a private moment to be able to talk, because Lexa probably figured that it is exactly what Clarke needs, so it does not take long before she turns her full attention back at Clarke. Her eyes are soft and gentle as they lock with Clarke’s. Though her face still looks tense and focused. 

“ I am sorry, Clarke. “ 

“ Though I could not let Bellamy go unpunished.”

Clarke closes her eyes and breathes heavily by the words. By knowing that Lexa feels blame for the orders she just gave, and that she was worried for how Clarke would react to them. Although that is not how Clarke feels at all. She does not hold this against Lexa. She _ knows _that Lexa could not let this one go. The sky people have caused too much harm to the Grounders and Clarke is aware of how Lexa now has to do something to stop it. To let them get justice. 

“ I know. “ Clarke pauses, before she looks back up at Lexa. 

“ I actually thought his punishment would be worse. “ 

Clarke notices how Lexa’s brow arches by the words.

“ I am not giving him the privilege to live, Clarke. “ Lexa speaks softly but clear. Making sure that Clarke is aware of how Lexa does not let him go free from this. He will suffer and there is no guarantee in if he is going to survive or not. 

“ Though I am giving him the chance to prove if he is strong enough to, _ after _my people have gotten some kind of justice. “ 

“ Why? “ Clarke asks with her eyes searching between Lexa’s. Why not just order him to die? Clarke knows that Lexa used to be harsher in her way of punishing people. She did not used to hold back once someone did wrong. So why now? Why did she not order Bellamy to die? Yet Clarke watches how Lexa exhales deeply before stepping closer. She watches how Lexa’s guard visibly softens and her shoulders start to relax. 

“ I am trying to live by something _ you _once taught me. “

The words take her aback for a moment as the realization hits. Clarke spent so much time when she first visited Polis in trying to help Lexa see that not everything has to be solved with violence and death. So why is she really surprised now that Lexa actually tries to live by it? She should be relieved and proud, yet Clarke only hopes that she did not do wrong in trying to change Lexa’s ways. 

Clarke lets out a heavy sigh and slightly tilts her head as she stares into Lexa’s deep eyes. The growing urge to reach out to touch her is almost impossible to contain. Clarke wants to be able to, to let Lexa know that she _ is _ proud of the progress she has made in her way of leading. Clarke can feel as the smile pulls at the corner of her lips and how her heart trudges inside her chest. She wants to kiss Lexa. _ Badly. _ She wants a kiss of relief, a kiss of pride and a kiss of _ love. _ Yet, Clarke knows that she can’t. Not here, not in public where everyone can see. Instead, she closes her eyes and breathes heavily the moment Lexa steps closer only to tug a strand of hair softly behind Clarke’s ear. Her touch is tender and gentle, and takes the breath out of Clarke’s lungs in an instant. 

“ Go say goodbye to your friends, Clarke. “ Lexa says softly while continuing to play lightly with a string of Clarke’s hair, and Clarke only melts by touch. 

“ I will see you after. “ 

  
  


________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know some of you may not agree on the way I chose to handle Bellamy’s punishment which was basically all this chapter focused on. Yet I want a moment to clarify something that some of you may hate and some of you may enjoy. 
> 
> But Bellamy’s punishment, kind of leads to an open ending?? sort of? where you as the reader will be able to decide his faith in whatever way you would like. All we really got to know is that he got over a hundred cuts and if he survives that or not, is kind of the open ending that you as a reader will be able to decide for yourself of what happens next.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please let me know what you think! I love to read everything you guys have to say!


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is the beginning of the end! I think I will be able to fit the rest of the story into one chapter, which means that the next chapter is probably the last! It feels kinda sad to end this story but I am so glad that you have enjoyed it and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Her heart trudges inside her rib cage and her legs shiver by the time Clarke returns to the gates of Polis to meet up with her friends. Octavia and the others had been informed of Bellamy’s punishment and told to meet him at the gates, probably by Indra who is now also joining their trip back to the river. Clarke is aware of how Indra is one of Lexa’s most trusted warriors so it does not come as a surprise to Clarke that Lexa sent her in her place. She trusts Indra, and she knows that she will fulfill this punishment in the way Lexa ordered them to. And Clarke trusts Lexa. To be honest, Clarke is just relieved that Lexa does not have to go with them. It may sound selfish but Clarke only wants to spend more time with Lexa, and to have, especially this day, with her for herself. Because in only a couple of hours, Clarke will be part of this, part of Lexa, and away from all the duties the sky people are putting on her. She will be free from all of that, and won’t have to worry about nothing else than herself, and Lexa. That is precisely all Clarke wants. She wants to live solely for herself and for her life with the person she has come to fall madly in love with.

Yet as Clarke starts to approach the gates of the Capital, she becomes more aware of the crowd of people that keeps the land occupied. Grounders in heavy armors and with big horses. They’re all waiting, all waiting to return to the river and get their justice for the people they have lost. Clarke feels as her throat tightens by the sight. She can’t get rid of the growing nausea of feeling like she is sending Bellamy off to die. To let him get tortured. She knows that he had it coming, that he has to get punished in one way or the other. And she does not blame Lexa for the way she chose to handle the situation. Yet Clarke can not help but to blame herself. Maybe she should have been there, back in Arkadia when it all just started, to prevent him from killing all those people. Maybe she should have been there instead of being selfish and staying in Polis. Maybe then, things would have been different, and maybe then she would not feel the same kind of blame she can feel now. Clarke knows that it is not directly her fault, Bellamy made his own decisions. But maybe somewhere along the road, she could have fought harder to stop it. 

“ Clarke! “ 

Clarke looks up the moment she hears her own name being shouted. She looks up only to find Octavia running over to her the moment she becomes aware of Clarke’s presence by the gates. Octavia’s brows are arched high on top of her forehead and her mouth hangs slightly agape. She looks worried, yet Clarke doesn’t blame her. No matter what has happened, Bellamy is still her brother, he is still family and after tonight, there is a possibility that he is not going to be alive. 

Clarke gulps by the thought. By feeling like this is all on her. Her fault. She gulps by watching into Octavia’s worried eyes, and by the way the sight only makes Clarke want to throw up. 

“ They’re taking Bellamy back to the River clan.“ Octavia says in a breath, and Clarke swallows thickly. 

“ I know. “ 

Clarke notices how Octavia starts searching the land around Clarke. How her eyes starts traveling all over Clarke’s body in a silent question. 

“ Where are all your stuff? “ 

“ They told us we have to leave now, why aren’t you ready, Clarke? “

Clarke exhales deeply as the words spears right through her heart. It makes her throat dry and her pulse raise. They are expecting her to go back. They are expecting her to come with them. Clarke raises her chin as her heart only begins to clench painfully hard inside her chest. She almost fears for the words to leave her mouth. She fears the reaction she is going to get once Octavia finds out that she never planned to follow. She fears to let the words out and her heart speak once she notices that the silence is enough to make Octavia figure it all out by herself. As the realization hits, Clarke watches how Octavia tilts her head before her jaw clenches. 

‘’ You’re not coming. ‘’ She says in more of an observation than a question, and Clarke breathes heavily by the words.

‘’ No. ‘’ 

Clarke swallows down the words, and the drought that occured in her throat. 

‘’ I can’t. ‘’ 

Clarke tries to explain yet can tell that Octavia does not take lightly on the words. She makes it clear by the language of her body and by the lack of words that they were all counting on Clarke to come with. They were all expecting her to come, and maybe Clarke _ is _selfish for staying. Maybe she is selfish for not coming with them in a moment like this. However, it does not take long until Clarke notices that Octavia’s gaze is now focusing on something else, and it does not take long until Octavia tugs at Clarke’s arm before she pulls up the sleeve of her sweater and reveals the tattoo hiding underneath. Clarke has no time to stop it, and closes her eyes the moment she feels Octavia immediately pull back. Her lungs struggles for breath through the thickness in her throat and Clarke can not get rid of the guilt that starts to grow in every bone in her body. 

“ That’s just great, Clarke. “ 

“ I can’t believe it. “ Octavia huffs in disbelief.

“ _ Octavia _ . “ Clarke breathes, yet she knows that there is no use. They are disappointed in her. _ Octavia _ is disappointed in her, and to be honest, Clarke does not blame her. Maybe she has every right to be. But Clarke _ can not _come with. She needs to stay, she needs to for herself. She needs to do right for herself, for once, and she needs to stay in Polis and she needs to be with Lexa. 

“ You don’t need me there. “ 

“ No, we don’t. “ 

“ But I thought that you at least had the decency to know that you should be. “ 

Clarke swallows down the words. She is clearly aware of how they affect her, and Clarke starts to doubt if she is doing wrong in not coming with them. If she is doing wrong by not being there in what may be Bellamy’s last moments in life. Clarke does not even want to think the thought. She can’t. She can’t save him from this, and she can’t be there with him through it. 

“ I’m sorry. “ Clarke says in a breath, before both Lincoln and Raven joins Octavia and walks up by her side. 

“ It’s time to go. “ Raven says with her eyes traveling back and forth between Clarke and Octavia, clearly noticing the tension lingering in the air above. Clarke can feel her own eyes burn by the way Octavia stares back at her, and it does not take long until Clarke turns her gaze away from her. It is too powerful, and she feels too much guilt for not going with them. She _can’t _meet Octavia’s gaze and she feels ashamed to even meet the other’s. Instead she breathes heavily and wipes away the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand in a hidden attempt. She can’t let them see her cry, but Clarke can not keep the tears from appearing either way and she can’t deny the way her throat feels like it is burning. She wishes that she had the strength to go with them. To be there for Bellamy and for Octavia. But she _can’t. _She only wishes that they can understand that.

“ I have to see Bellamy. “ Clarke says low and husky before pushing herself past the others and making her way through the crowd of people. Because whether or not she can go with them, she at least needs to see Bellamy before they go. She needs to apologize for not coming with them, and she needs to let him know that she wishes things were different. Because she does. She never wished for this. She never wished for it all to end this way. But everything did happen, and Clarke can not stop it, and they all need to take responsibility for the actions they have made. So, Clarke pushes her way through the crowd of people, through the tall warriors and over to the opening of the gate where she can find Bellamy. He’s got his hands tied behind his back and held steady by two of the guards. 

“ Bellamy. “ 

Clarke notices how Bellamy turns the moment he can hear his name being mentioned. He turns as far as he can while the guards holds him still to keep him from running away. Yet Clarke makes sure to walk up just enough for him to be able to clearly look at her. Although Clarke feels on the verge of crying the moment her eyes lock with his. She doesn’t want this. But Bellamy needs to know that he has done wrong, and this is only fair for all the lives he has taken. 

“ Are you coming? “ He asks, and Clarke swallows thickly before shaking her head. 

“ I’m sorry. “ 

“ I have to stay here. “ 

Clarke watches with her heart in her throat and with her palms sweaty as Bellamy raises his chin before nodding slowly. 

“ Okay then. “ He says, and Clarke closes her eyes. She feels too guilty for letting all of this happen. Whether or not she has liked it, hasn’t it always been her job to look after her people? To prevent them from doing irresponsible things and to save them from danger? She has never liked it, but now she can’t help but feel like she is failing them, failing him. She couldn’t stop him from killing those Grounders, so now she can’t help him out of the punishment that is only fair for him to get. 

” You’re gonna get through this, Bellamy. But you _ have _to do this. “ 

“ You sound like Lexa. “

“ Because it’s true. “ Clarke sighs and Bellamy huffs before turning away from her. He is disappointed in her too, Clarke can tell. She can tell by the way he doesn’t seem to want to meet her eyes, or in the way he is tensing his body. But they need to do this, and Clarke hates the way she feels guilty about it. However, Clarke is quickly interrupted by her heavy thoughts the moment Indra calls something out in Trigedasleng. Words that Clarke does not fully understand but that she assumes means that they are ready to go. They are ready to take off and go to the river. 

Grounders in all different sizes gathers closer to the gates as they begin to open, and Clarke finds herself backing away through the sea of people. She finds herself walking further from Bellamy and is clearly aware of the looks she gets by Octavia and Raven once they walk past her. Yet all Clarke can do is to stand in silence and feel numb as she begins to watch them leave the walls of the Capital. Watch as they one after one walks out of the gates and towards the opening of the forest. Clarke wants to say a thousand words, the growing urge of screaming is almost impossible to contain. Yet she is uncertain about what words to let out. There is nothing to say. Nothing good enough, and nothing to fix the mess that is already caused. She _ has _ to let this one go. She has to let _ them _go. And she does. With every muscle in her body going numb, and with her eyes burning with tears, Clarke watches in silence how her friends leaves together with the tall warriors. Watching as they begin to walk towards Bellamy’s faith. This is it, Clarke figures, and there is nothing she can do. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


__________________

The more Clarke tries to think about it, the more confused she gets by the loud question she can feel circling her mind. The question as _ when _ Clarke got the role among her people that she did. The question as _ how _ and _ why _ she got it. She does not remember it being a specific moment that she now can look back on and say - _ that’s when it all changed _ . - there was no such a moment, it has just always simply.. _ been _ . It is like Clarke was born to be the leader that she finds herself being. Like her purpose by going down on earth was to make sure that their people survived. Clarke is aware of how she has always cared about other people, always cared about their well beings and even from a young age she has always felt a great amount of empathy for other people. She suppose that she has gotten that from her father. He used to be the same way, and also always cared almost too much about other people. Yet, the born leader in her must have instead come from her mother. Just like Clarke, her mother has always been the one who likes to be in control more. Her father never used to care much about that stuff, not like her mother always has. Her mother _ likes _ to be in control. She likes to know what is going on and always keep track on things and know the plans. Just like Clarke. And with that, the mix of both, that created Clarke to be exactly the person that she finds herself being today. A born leader who cares almost too much about the people she leads. 

Now, Clarke can not let go of the growing blame she can feel of not being able to save or help Bellamy when she had the chance. Before it all got out of hand and forced it all to end this way instead. If she would have gone back to Arkadia that day when Bellamy asked her to, that day when they became the 13th clan, then maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe then, none of those innocent Grounders would have died. Clarke takes responsibility and blame for their deaths too. Even if she did not directly cause them, she still can’t help but to feel guilty for them. They died because of _ her _people. Maybe there was something that she could have done about that if she would not have been too caught up in Polis and too caught up with Lexa. But Clarke knows that she could not stop it. Being in Polis and being with Lexa, had felt better than anything Clarke had ever experienced before. It still does. Polis was the first place that brought Clarke peace, and Lexa has been the first person who Clarke feels like holds no expectations or judgement against her. Lexa feels calm, and safe. She feels peaceful and just like home. She is glowing with everything Clarke has ever wanted and everything she has ever needed. And Clarke figures, that even if she did get the chance to do it all over again, her first choices would still be what Clarke would crave the most. 

Clarke exhales heavily before opening the doors to Lexa’s bedroom. There are only a couple of hours left of this day, and to be honest, Clarke is not sure when the ceremony is supposed to take place. She is only aware of that it is tonight, and Lexa had assured Clarke that she will take care of everything that needs to be taken care of before that. Whatever that may mean. Clarke has no idea how exactly the ceremony goes. She knows that she has to bow before Lexa and swear the oath of loyalty but that is about it. She does not know what to wear, what to say, and it just now starts to make the nervousness creep up on her. Yet it still calms her to know that Lexa will be there every step of the way to guide her, and that is really all Clarke needs to know. 

With an exhaustion caused by the blame Clarke can feel for Bellamy and Octavia, her eyes are quick search the room only to land on Lexa in an instant. Clarke watches with a growing excitement how she is comfortably spread out on the couch with a book steady in the palm of her hand. Clarke enjoys to watch Lexa read, she enjoys to see her so calm and to watch her show interest in something else than just the duties of being the Commander. Sometimes they are so caught up in the war and deaths that it is so easy to forget that even Lexa has these small things she likes to do whenever she gets a spare moment to, and maybe that is just why Clarke enjoys to see it so much. It is rare and somehow calming. 

“ Hey. “ Lexa breathes softly the moment Clarke catches the attention of her eyes. She gently closes the book again and is ready to put it down the moment Clarke steps further into the room and closer to her, yet Clarke is fast to stop her. 

“ You don’t need to get up. Stay. “ She says, and soon watches as Lexa places the book on the table by the couch before she remains still in her position as she’s lying down. 

“ Are you okay? “ 

Lexa’s tone is so soft, so gentle, and is more than enough to be able to calm the speeding of Clarke’s heart, and to make her feel a little more at peace with her decision to stay in Polis. Just seeing Lexa is enough to make Clarke feel better, it is enough to ease the tension in her body, and Clarke almost wonders just how Lexa is able to do it. How everything feels so much easier in Lexa’s presence. Just the ability to breathe feels lighter with her. 

Yet, Clarke remains silent and instead lets go of the heavy breath she’s been holding before she starts to slowly crawl up the length of Lexa’s body. Feeling Lexa shift lightly underneath her to give more room and to make Clarke feel more comfortable as she braces herself steady over Lexa’s body before she lies down to rest her head against Lexa’s chest. Lexa feels soft underneath her. The pulsing of her heart is clearly felt against the skin on Clarke’s cheek and Clarke breathes heavily by the feeling. 

The stay in silence for awhile. Only enjoying the company of the other. Enjoying to feel the other’s body close to their own in a comforting position. Clarke figures that she could probably stay like this forever. She could probably fall asleep against Lexa’s chest like this. To feel her breathing under her skin, and to feel the raising rhythm of her chest against Clarke’s own. It is relaxing, and does a rather good job at making Clarke lull to sleep. And by the time Lexa’s hand comes up to slowly tug a strand of hair behind Clarke’s ear, Clarke can do nothing else than to close her eyes by the comforting touch. 

“ I am sorry, Clarke. “ Lexa whispers, and Clarke is immediately aware of what she refers to. She is sorry for the orders she gave. She is sorry that it had to come to this and she is sorry that their people stand to war against each other in the way that they do and not making things any easier for them. Maybe Skaikru and Trikru will never get along easily, and maybe that is just something that they will have to get used to and learn to deal with. Clarke will _ have _to learn to deal with it now that she is becoming part of Trikru. 

“ I don’t blame you, Lexa. “ Clarke whispers back in reassurance. Because it is true. She doesn’t blame Lexa, because Lexa is not responsible for this. Lexa only did what she had to do. 

“ Then stop putting blame on yourself. “ 

“ I’m not. “ 

“ You are. “ Lexa whispers. 

“ And I need you to stop. “

Clarke can feel as Lexa draws a heavy breath to her lungs underneath her body, and she can clearly feel as she continues to play lightly with the short strings of Clarke’s blonde hair. The touch is relaxing, and so is the words leaving Lexa’s mouth. She always has the right words to say. She always knows what Clarke is feeling, sometimes before she is even aware of it herself. Clarke has no idea in how she is doing it, yet Clarke can’t help but be aware of how probably no one knows Clarke as well as Lexa. Lexa sees the person that Clarke truly is. She is able to see a version of Clarke that Clarke aspires to be. A better version. 

“ You can not take blame for every move Skaikru makes, Clarke. “ Lexa whispers gently and Clarke slowly opens her eyes by the comforting words. 

“ They are their own people, and they will make decisions that you can not always prevent or fix.” 

“ And you can not take blame for when they set up a mess that you have not caused. “ 

Clarke exhales heavily. Maybe these words are exactly everything Clarke needed to hear, and hearing them come from Lexa, only makes her more calm. How _ is _Lexa able to know her as well as she does? How does she always know the right words to say? Clarke swallows through the drought in her mouth and feels as Lexa’s fingers begin to trace down Clarke’s bicep instead in a consoling motion. 

“ Leave that to me. “ Lexa whispers suddenly, and Clarke tilts her chin just enough against Lexa’s chest to be able to glance up at her. She feels Lexa let out a heavy breath under her own body and her eyes instinctively scan every feature of Lexa’s face. However, Lexa must have felt Clarke stare back in a silent question because it does not take long until she glances back down on Clarke and takes a new breath. 

“ The only purpose of my life is to lead my people. “ 

“ Hey. “ Clarke is quick to protest, quick to shift her body over Lexa’s and quick to shift the balance of her arm to raise up onto her elbow and get a better look at the woman underneath. 

Clarke’s eyes roam Lexa’s face. Every part of it. Noticing everything from the thin line on her lips to the depth of her vulnerable eyes. 

“ That’s not true. “ 

Clarke notices the hard swallow down Lexa’s throat. Her hand still remains on Clarke’s bicep yet the motion of her fingers have now stopped. Instead she keeps her palm still against the side of Clarke’s arm, as her eyes stare deep into Clarke’s own. It breaks her heart that Lexa would even think something like that. That she thinks so little of her own value of life. 

“ There’s a lot more to you than just the spirit of the Commander. “ 

Clarke keeps her eyes still on Lexa, feeling her eyebrows tighten as the wrinkles appear in between. She _ needs _Lexa to understand that being the Commander is not all that she is. Lexa is caring, Lexa is emotional. She is protective and kind. She is the one person in the world that Clarke feels completely safe with and it is not because she is the Commander. It is because Clarke knows that Lexa would go out of her way to protect the people that she cares about. She protects Clarke, her people, and all her nightbloods. She is putting everyone else’s well being before her own and that is a quality that not everyone has. Clarke knows that she is not the only one who thinks this way, because to many of the nightbloods, Lexa is the closest to a motherly figure that they have. Not every Commander would make sure to care so much for their nightbloods in the way Lexa does. That is something personal just about her. Another attribute that makes Lexa to who she is, and one thing that separates Lexa from other leaders. 

“ _ yu ste krei meizen. “ _Lexa suddenly whispers low and raspy, and with a hidden smile pulling at the corner of her lips. Clarke is aware of how the words makes her heart clench and her pulse raise. 

“ What does that mean? “ She asks with her eyes traveling between the depth of green. Yet Lexa swallows thickly before she begins to trace her fingers lightly over Clarke’s bicep again. 

“ It means that we must get ready for the ceremony.“ 

A comfortable silence creeps in while Clarke’s eyes travel between Lexa’s. She knows enough of their language to understand that it is not what those words mean, yet Clarke can’t seem to figure out the real meaning behind them. She almost wants to ask Lexa about it, yet decides that she can let it go for now. Because for now, all she wants is to be still with Lexa. To not care about anything else. So she rests her head comfortably down on Lexa’s chest again before she sucks in a breath and exhales deeply. 

“ Soon. “ she begins. 

“ Read to me first? “ 

Clarke reaches for the book on the table, and feels as Lexa breathes heavily under her body before Clarke makes sure to give her the book. She shifts just enough to give Lexa more space and the moment Lexa nods slightly, Clarke feels as her heart is about to burst. This is everything she has ever needed. 

______________  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- translations -
> 
> yu ste krei meizen - you are so beautiful


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE FINAL CHAPTER IS HERE! 
> 
> it feels so sad to write this but this is the end of this story, this is the final chapter. It feels sad but also so good. This is the first story that I have ever finished and I am happy with the results of it. I have absolutely LOVED to write this and I have appreciated every comment and every kudos you have given me! I really could not thank you enough. This story was saved and forgotten in my drafts for so long and once I found it again I was not sure If i wanted to post it, but I got so many nice comments so I decided to give it a try. THANK you! 
> 
> It would be so interesting to know if you have any favorite chapter, scene or sentence from this story, and if you do please let me know in the comments!
> 
> Also, I will now be continuing my other clexa fic “ Lovers in past life “ so make sure to check that out! :) but other than that, I hope you enjoy the last one :)

Clarke doesn’t believe that she has ever felt quite as excited, quite as nervous and quite as happy at the same time before. She has never felt so many different feelings mixed inside of her at once.

Today is the day, and tonight is the night. After tonight she will be part of another clan, and tomorrow morning she will wake up as part of Trikru, part of Lexa’s clan. This is the beginning of a new lifetime. Of a new lifetime that does not consist of the responsibilities of life or death. Of a lifetime that solely consists of freedom and peace, and a lifetime that gives her the opportunity to be simply _ Clarke. _Not a leader and not a warrior. 

Since the moment Clarke first started to dream about a life on the ground, about the secrets of the forest, and the depth of the ocean, she has spent an endless time in trying to chase and search for the peace and calm she had imagined to find there. It had been a rather disappointment once she landed on Earth only to be greeted by battle and death. By horror and torture. By nothing that was similar to the dreams she had on the Ark. Yet it is only now, that she can begin to feel a bit of what she always has been searching for.

Here in the walls of Polis, she feels safe, she feels secured and home. She can almost feel the magic in the air above and the forest _ glow _ in a way she has never seen it before. She has started to see everything differently since she got to know the Grounders. Since she started to learn from them and know more about them. What makes them to who they are and why they are the way that they are. Clarke has learned a lot from the people of the forest, from _ Lexa. _She is not the same person who stepped out of the dropship, she has learned to see things differently now, and she will be forever grateful for that. 

Clarke tugs at her lips as she stares back at her reflection from the mirror in her own room. Lexa had made sure to send her a few different pieces of clothing that is traditional to wear to an event like tonight, as she had explained. She also made it clear for Clarke to choose whatever she would like for herself.

Yet now Clarke finds herself in a long rosybrown dress with glitter over the shoulder strings and with a deep V-neck as a complete opening at the front. It reveals just enough cleavage.

Clarke has never really been the one to wear dresses before. It feels loose over her flesh and feels as if she is exposing almost too much skin. Although now, Clarke enjoys the person she can see staring back at her. The dress feels just right over her skin and captures every curve of her body perfectly. Even her short hair goes well with the dress as it reveals the bare flesh over her shoulders and naked collarbones. 

With a heavy exhale, Clarke tugs a strand of hair behind her ear while she lets her eyes roam every expanse of her own body. Her new given tattoo is clearly noticeable over her exposed skin on her wrist. It feels unusual to see it there, yet Clarke likes how it brings her closer to a feeling of home. This tattoo, makes her a part of something that she has been searching for ever since she first stepped onto the ground. It is a symbol of her journey to Earth and of everything she has been through since. It feels just right over her skin now, because now, it is a part of who she is and of who she has become. 

Clarke is drawn out from her thoughts the moment a light knock is clearly heard onto her wooden door. The sound is enough to make Clarke glance over her shoulder and see the shadow stream in from under the crack of the door. 

“ Clarke? “ Lexa asks gently, and Clarke can feel her heart jump inside her chest. It trudges against her ribcage and makes it hard to breathe. It is almost time, and Clarke feels as the light smile pulls at the corner of her lips by the realization. 

“ You can come in. “ Clarke calls back after she clears her throat. She turns enough to face the door and is quick to fix the dress to make it look smooth over the forms of her body.

Clarke’s heart speeds inside her chest and her throat thickens by the time she can see the handle of the door bend before Lexa slowly and carefully steps inside. Yet the sight of Lexa is enough to throw Clarke over the edge and make her lose her breath. Her shoulders softens with the tension they held while Clarke’s eyes begin to roam over every part of Lexa’s body.

She is dressed in a long navy blue dress that exposes just enough skin over her chest and with a deep cut to reveal the tattoo over her back. Her hair is braided long and smoothly with glitter hidden in the curls of her brown hair, and black paint is painted by her eyes in the same way they were of the night that Skaikru became the 13th clan. She looks _ beautiful, _ and absolutely _ stunning. _

It is unusual and rare to see Lexa like this, so dressed up and so far from the Commander armor she is usually seen in. Clarke can not help the way her heart speeds inside her or the way her lungs struggles for breath while her eyes tries to take in as much of Lexa as possible. 

“ Woah. “ Clarke lets out in a breath, yet still loud enough for Lexa to hear. 

“ What? “ 

Lexa steps further into the room and closer to Clarke. Her green eyes are glittering by the glow of the candles while a hidden smile pulls at the corners of her lips. She has something hidden in the palms of her hands behind her back, although Clarke’s eyes are too busy with the attention of the woman before her to even care.

Her own eyes travel over every part of Lexa and her heart aches the closer she gets. Yet Clarke soon blinks back the dazing thoughts before her eyes locks with green. 

“ You look amazing. “ 

Lexa smiles softly by the words, but swallows it back as fast as it got there. 

“ You look beautiful as well, Clarke. “ She says gently, and Clarke sighs heavily. It is the first time she has heard Lexa say it, and it feels better than she ever could have imagined it to. 

A comfortable silence soon fills the air above, yet an electric tension shoots between them almost strong and clear enough for Clarke to touch. She is not sure what causes it. If it is the breathtaking vision of Lexa or the excitement Clarke can feel rise inside of her about the ceremony. It does not matter what it is, Clarke figures. It feels almost painfully good. 

“ I wanted to give you something. “ Lexa says suddenly, and Clarke glances down onto her hands as Lexa begins to reveal what was hiding behind her back. A white flower glows from the palms of her hands, breathtakingly beautiful. It reminds Clarke of the flowers she had found with Finn during one of their first nights on the ground. The flowers from the glowing forest. 

“ It will continue to glow twenty four hours after it is taken from its roots but..” Lexa lets out a heavy breath before both of their eyes looks up from the palms of her hands and locks with each other instead.

“ I figured that at least it will glow for you tonight. “ Lexa continues softly, and Clarke lets out a heavy breath before she tilts her head.

It is absolutely beautiful, and Clarke loves it. Even the gesture that Lexa made sure to get it for her is almost overwhelming and Clarke is not sure what to do with the way it makes her heart ache in the best possible way. 

“ _ Lexa. “ _she lets out from under her breath. Although it does not take long for the realization to hit her and Clarke is immediately drawn from her daze. She closes her eyes and her mouth hangs half agape. 

“ What it is? “ Lexa asks, and Clarke sighs. 

“ I didn’t get you anything. “ 

Clarke is not sure if it is traditional to give the Commander a gift as a sign of gratefulness,, but even if it isn’t, Clarke would have wanted to give Lexa something. Especially now when Lexa has given _her_ something. It almost breaks her heart that Clarke is not able to give anything back. Although as Clarke looks back up into Lexa’s eyes, she can tell that Lexa does not seem to mind. 

“ Clarke. “ Lexa pauses, and Clarke feels as her heart aches in the most beautiful way by the way Lexa says her name. 

“ You have given me more than I could have hoped for. “ 

The words are enough to ease the tightness in Clarke’s pounding chest. It is enough to make her shoulders soften and her throat to not feel nearly as dry. Instead, it sets a beating rhythm to her raising chest and her lungs to feel a thousand pounds heavier. Falling in love with Lexa, has been Clarke’s greatest achievement in life, and it has given her more than she could have hoped for too. Falling in love with Lexa, proves that everything Clarke has ever dreamt of about the ground has been true. Lexa, is what she has been searching for. Lexa is everything she ever could have wanted. 

“ May I? “ 

Lexa suddenly changes the subject, and Clarke knows that she does not need a rather vocal response back. Instead Lexa nods towards Clarke’s hair and Clarke knows in an instant what she wants. Her chin begins to tilt down in a small nod before Clarke turns just enough to give Lexa enough of a reach to fix her hair.

As soon as Lexa fingers tangles into Clarke’s hair, Clarke can not do anything else than close her eyes by the soothing touch. Lexa is careful and gentle in the way she begins to braid the short strings of Clarke’s hair. She is soft and sure in her movements as she braids the glowing flower into the curls of blonde.

They stay like that, in silence for awhile. With nothing but the wind from outside the tower being heard. It is comfortable and calm. However, Clarke can not stop her mind from traveling back to the dark places once the silence creeps in. Back to wondering what will happen to Bellamy. Back to seeing the disappointment from Octavia’s eyes. Clarke feels selfish suddenly, and the calm she had just felt is yet again replaced by something much heavier. By something that Lexa must have felt from the tension in Clarke’s body.

She stops her movements in Clarke’s hair, slow and careful, and Clarke feels as Lexa’s eyes burn through the skin on her neck while she is trying to get a better look of the changes in Clarke’s face. 

“ Did something happen with your friends? “ 

Clarke swallows through the drought in her throat before she blinks back the heat in her own eyes. 

“ No. “ She lies, even though she knows that there is no point in doing so. Not to Lexa, because she knows that Lexa is able to see through it either way. Instead, she takes a new breath and continues. 

“ I was going to invite them to the ceremony.“ 

“ I would’ve liked for them to be there and to support it, I guess. “ 

Clarke lowers her chin as she lets the thoughts out into words. She actually would have loved for her friends and for her mom to be there. To watch Clarke go through with the ceremony and to be happy for her. But Clarke knows that they are not supportive of it, and they do not understand it. 

“ Did you not invite them? “ Lexa asks, and Clarke shakes her head. 

“ It wasn’t a good time. “ 

Clarke looks up again, and finds Lexa looking back at her over her shoulder through the reflection in the mirror. She notices as Lexa raises her chin and blinks back in response. 

“ I am sorry, Clarke. “ 

“ It’s fine. “ Clarke clears her throat and turns to face Lexa instead. The blue of her eyes locks with the depth of green, capturing the vulnerability and empathy in Lexa’s eyes. 

“ The only one I really need there is you anyway. “ She whispers before her fingers begin to brush against the skin of Lexa’s while they hang alongside the sides of their bodies. Her hands are warm and soft under Clarke’s touch, and it does not take long until their hands clasp together into one. 

“ Well I will be there. “ Lexa whispers reassuringly, and Clarke smiles softly. That is really everything she needs. As long as Lexa is with her, everything is going to be okay. Clarke truly believes that, and she could not have wished for anything better. 

She glances down to Lexa’s lips. Plump and slightly open to let air smoothly down to her lungs. A growing urge to kiss her screams in every muscle in Clarke’s body, and it is almost impossible to contain. She wants to feel the warmth of Lexa’s lips against her own. She wants to feel her under the tip of her fingers. Gentle and safe.

Yet when she looks up to find Lexa’s blistered eyes staring back down on her, she knows that Lexa wants it too.

Clarke tugs at her lips and can see the barest hint of lustfulness fill Lexa’s eyes. Her pupils blown in her irises and her eyes dark with want. That is all it takes for Clarke to let go of Lexa’s hand and instead cup the sides of her cheeks before she leans in to kiss her. 

She manage to capture the bottom of Lexa’s lip between her own. It is soft and slightly wet under her touch, and Clarke is aware of the tingling in her gut.

Kissing Lexa always makes her mind feel in daze and her body to stop working properly. It is overwhelming and empowering, and Clarke has never felt anything like it. She touches Lexa anywhere, and she can feel it _ everywhere. _

She breathes heavily against Lexa’s lips the moment her hands land softly on the bare skin over Clarke’s collarbones. The touch of her palms warm and electric as they meet her naked skin.

Clarke knows how easy it is for herself to get lost in the feeling of Lexa. How one kiss is able to take her to completely different places and how hard it is to get out of that again. Lexa must be aware of it too as she soon forces herself to pull back from Clarke, and Clarke catches herself chasing Lexa’s lips for a moment. 

“ The ceremony is about to begin. “ Lexa whispers and Clarke nods with a ragged breathing against Lexa’s forehead. 

“ And we only have so much time before the flower stops to glow. “ 

A light laugh travels through the drought of Clarke’s throat, husky and low before it spreads in the air among them. She pulls back just enough to look back at Lexa, noticing how her eyes still looks half-dazed and her lips slightly wet while a hidden smile covers them. 

“ Okay. “ Clarke whispers lightly. 

“ We should go. “ 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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If Clarke would have told her eighteen year old self, that she at the age of almost twenty would join the group of people that they have been at war with ever since they first stepped onto the ground, she probably would have called herself crazy.

That she would convert to a group of people that she thought solely consisted of brutal tortures and deaths. That uses spears and swords as a weapon to fight. She would not have believed it herself.

Although, Clarke is not the same person that she once was. The Grounders are not the same kind of people that Clarke and her people first believed that they were. Everyone is different, and nothing stays the same. The Grounders are not brutal murderers that kills for fun, they are strong and skilled warriors that protects their own. It is fascinating in the way that they live and in the way they have managed to survive on the ground for hundreds of years. They are strong, and they are _ brave. _They have built a home and a society from nothing, and Clarke admires the way that they have done that. Clarke admires the way that they are, and now she wants to be part of what they have. She wants to be part of Trikru, of the group of people she once feared, and after tonight she will. 

Clarke sucks in a sharp breath to her pounding lungs before she exhales deeply. She has wanted this for so long, and soon she will have it.

She traces her fingers over the tattoo on her skin with her heart racing inside her chest. All the things that she has been through, all the deaths and wars. Soon she will be able to live solely for herself and for her life with Lexa. She will be able to live in peace and free from the responsibilities from her people.

Everyone are already gathered in the large room where Clarke first bowed to Lexa. And just like then, the only thing that separates Clarke from them now, are the large doors that soon are about to open. Soon Clarke is going to walk in the same way as then, and find Lexa and every person of Trikru blood on the other side. They are all waiting. All waiting for the doors to open and for the ceremony to begin, and Clarke can barely contain the excitement that rises in her body. She can barely contain the shivers in her legs or the heavy rhythm of her heart.

She has never been more sure about anything in her life. All the time that Clarke has spent on the ground until now, has solely been to protect and lead her people. She has always done what is best for them, and now, Clarke believes that she deserves to do this for herself. She deserves to feel good about something for the first time in her life on the ground. And Clarke can not think about a better way to do that than this. Nothing, would make her feel better and more at peace, than a life with the Grounders. 

The world around her feels in daze as soon as the loud drums begin to echo from inside the room. It beats hard and fast to the rhythm of her heart, and Clarke closes her eyes by the overwhelming sensation.

Maybe she would have been calmer if her mother was here to support her through it all. To ease the nervousness in her body, and to hold her hand. Because suddenly, the dress feels too loose over the forms of her body and she is uncertain if maybe she reveals too much skin. Was the dress an inappropriate decision and should she have chosen something different?

All kinds of hesitant thoughts spins in a loop inside Clarke’s mind. The palms of her hands are wet with sweat and her lips almost painfully dry.

Lexa had made sure to ask Clarke several times if she felt any doubts or regrets. She had told her with her tone soft and careful that it still was okay for Clarke to back down, to not go through with the ceremony. She had assured Clarke that they can be together either way. That she does not have to convert to the Trikru clan to be able to stay in Polis. She can do that either way.

But Clarke wants this. Even if her heart is pounding so fast that she can barely breathe and even if her hands are shaking with nervousness, she _ wants _ this. She does not only want to live in Polis, but she wants to be a _ part _of Polis. 

Clarke lets out a puff of air the moment she can hear Lexa call out her name. It echoes inside the walls, loud and clear and after that it does not take long before the guards make sure to open the doors. Heavy and slow, they soon reveal the people inside the room. Grounders in different forms and sizes greets her eyes.

They are all staring back at her, all staring patiently for her to walk inside. And Clarke does. With heavy and hesitant steps she walks further into the room in pace with the drums. It echoes through her ears and pounds inside her chest, still Clarke makes sure to raise her chin.

The room is glowing with light, and Lexa looks stunning as she is waiting on the other side. It all almost feels dreamingly beautiful. It feels surreal and breathtaking. To find Lexa waiting on the other side of the room, with her navy blue dress hanging loose over her body, it is almost as if she is watching an angel on the staircase of heaven. She looks breathtakingly beautiful, and Clarke almost shivers by the sight.

She draws a heavy breath to her pounding lungs caused by the rhythm of the drums, as she can feel every Grounder eye stare back at her while she walks up to Lexa. 

The green of Lexa’s eyes glows by the candles in the room, yet they are dark with how blown her pupils are from the darkness in the room. The features in her face are strong yet relaxed and calm, and seeing Lexa so sure, so calm by all of this only eases the nervousness in Clarke’s own body.

Lexa’s presence makes her feel calm and safe, and reminds her of exactly why Clarke wanted to go through with this in the first place. It anchors her back to reality after soaring in the daze of dreams. 

Clarke’s eyes travel between Lexa’s, drinking in every expanse of her body and every emotion in her eyes. Yet as soon as Lexa tilts her chin down in a small nod, Clarke is reminded of what to do next.

She tugs at her dress and bows gently before her. Feeling all eyes on herself from all the other Grounders around her. They remain standing up, and giving Clarke the only spot of light. Still, the pounding of the drums soon stops and so does the heavy pounding of Clarke’s heart. Instead, the silence sweeps in and runs through every vein in Clarke’s body. It makes her own heavy breathing almost loud enough to hear, and Clarke begins to fear that maybe it is. Maybe the others are aware of the nervousness in her body. 

“ We are summoned to this ceremony today..“ Lexa starts suddenly, loud and clear for everyone to hear. 

“ To welcome Clarke kom Skaikru into our clan.” 

Lexa continues, and Clarke feels as her heart trudges inside her chest by the words.

It feels better to finally hear it than Clarke first could have imagined. She spent so much time dreaming about this moment, dreaming what it would be like, and now she is actually going through with it. It feels surreal yet still so right. 

“ We will show her respect and acceptance. We will teach her our ways, and we will be patient in her journey to learn. “ 

“ However.“ Lexa pauses mid sentence, and Clarke immediately glances back up to find Lexa looking back down on her. 

“ Clarke kom Skaikru, will have to show herself worthy of our clan by being willing to learn our ways and protect our people, and accept the oath of our loyalty. “ 

“ By doing that, Clarke has gotten a body mark as a symbol of loyalty and faithfulness to our clan. “ 

Clarke feels as the smile pulls at the corner of her lips by the reminder. She is serious in her want to go through with this, and she wants every member of the Trikru clan to know that. She wants this, all of this, and she is not solely doing it for the purpose of being with Lexa. Sure, it may be a great contributing factor, but Lexa is not all her decision depends on. She wants all of this. Every part of it, and she does not want to hide it. 

“ _ Rise _. “ 

Lexa suddenly says, soft but clear and Clarke finds herself doing exactly what she is told.

She rises to her feet and greets Lexa’s eyes. Watching as Lexa is given a fabric of silk before she reaches out her hand towards Clarke.

For a moment, Clarke is unsure of the movement of Lexa’s hand. What the motion means and what is expected for her to do next. They had never gone through just how the ceremony goes, and Clarke is not familiar with all the steps it takes into getting what she wants. Yet Lexa remains still, and Clarke mimics the motions, _ or lack thereof. _

_ “ Clarke. “ _Lexa breathes, and Clarke raises her chin by the mention of her name. She is aware of the way it makes her heart shiver and her pulse race. 

“ By accepting this oath of loyalty, and by taking my hand, do you swear to protect and stay faithful to the Trikru clan? “ 

Clarke exhales heavily as her heart only begins to pound faster. She does. She really does. There is nothing that she has ever craved more, and there is nothing that her body has ever been more eager to do. So with her heart in her throat, Clarke tilts her chin down in a simple but clear nod. 

“ I swear. “ She speaks, before reaching out to grab Lexa’s arm. She holds onto it firm and steady in the palm of her hand. Clarke does not plan to ever let go of something that has ever brought her quite as much happiness and joy. She can, _ and will _, hold onto Lexa for a lifetime of beauty. It is all she needs and everything she craves. 

The hidden smile onto Lexa’s plump lips are barely just noticeable by the sight of an eye before it shortly fades again. It is barely only noticeable by the sight of _ Clarke’s _ eyes, and Clarke enjoys the way it brings a smile onto her own. Genuine and sincere.

Clarke watches still and in silence as Lexa soon begins to tie the fabric around their hands. As she begins to tie them together into one with their hearts beating fast. 

“ We welcome Clarke kom Skaikru, as now, Clarke kom _ Trikru. “ _

Lexa says loud and clear, and Clarke enjoys the way the words leaves Lexa’s mouth. It somehow feels just right. Clarke kom Skaikru, is now Clarke kom Trikru, and this is just how it is supposed to be. This is everything Clarke has ever wanted, and now she finally will be able to have it. Now she is finally free from the responsibilities of being a leader. She is free from taking the blame from her people, and this, is only the beautiful beginning to a lifetime with the person she has fallen madly and insanely in love with. This, is the beginning to something more beautiful than Clarke ever could have dreamed of. 

  
  
  
  


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For someone with the dreams of being an artist, you would think that nothing would ever seem quite as beautiful or artistic than the beauty of the nature. By the way the trees manage to dance in the rhythm of the wind, or the way the ocean can look so still and peaceful. How the wild animals builds their nests in the depth of the forest or how the stars can glow so strongly even from the distance of Earth.

For as long as Clarke can remember, she has always dreamt about a life on the ground. She has heard old stories about what it used to look like, how the air would smell. All the different animals that used to exist and all the different kinds of flowers that grew in the forest.

Clarke didn’t even know that there was such a thing as _ different kinds _ of flowers, let alone _ glowing _ ones. There was so much that Clarke did not know about. So much that she has learned and so much that has surprised her about life on the ground.

Although, what has surprised Clarke the most is how Earth is not what she has fallen in love with the most. It has not been what caught the beauty of her artistic eyes. Because the thing that did just that, is the one person she found _ on _the ground.

Clarke does not believe that she has ever seen anything quite as beautiful as the woman she has fallen so madly in love with. Nothing from her dreams about Earth could have prepared Clarke for the kind of beauty she would find in Lexa. Clarke did not even think that it was possible to think so highly of a person until she met her. Until she met the one person that turned her world, completely upside down. 

“ Do not look. “ 

“ I’m not. “ Clarke giggles from under her breath. Joyful and free, and with a happiness greater than anything she has ever felt before. 

After the ceremony, all the other Grounders had made sure to leave the room and Lexa had been quick in letting Clarke know that she has a surprise for her. _ Another, _surprise for her. Something more than just the glowing flower she surprised her with earlier. With the flower that already had been enough. Although now, Clarke finds herself with Lexa guiding her down the hallway and with her own eyes closed together to not peek, like Lexa had so kindly asked her to. 

“ Where are you taking me? “ Clarke asks in a light laughter, feeling the words bubble inside of her with excitement and joy. However, it does not take much longer until Lexa stops and places herself beside Clarke.

Clarke can feel Lexa’s presence close to her. She breathes heavily beside her, and Clarke can almost feel the nervousness radiate in the space between them.

Clarke has never seen this side of Lexa before. This playful yet mysterious side. Although it is one of the many parts of her that Clarke loves. She adores to see Lexa like this, and Clarke might even believe that it only makes her fall for her more.

Tamari once told her that Lexa used to be more playful when she was younger. Before Costia and before the duties of the Commander, and maybe this, is just a slight peek of the young and carefree girl Lexa once was. Whatever it may be, Clarke is aware of how much she _ loves _it. 

“ All right. We are here. “ Lexa says softly before Clarke can clearly hear how she is opening the doors to another room. 

“ You are free to open your eyes now. “ 

And Clarke does. Slowly and carefully she greets the light from the room. It is a big space with a large balcony in the far end.

With careful steps, Clarke walks further into the room to get a better view. It smells fresh from the way the open balcony lets in cold air, and candles are scattered around everywhere to make it glow in the most beautiful way.

There are not a lot of furnitures. A large table in the middle with lots of unopened cans scattered around on it joined by all different kinds of pencils and brushes. More tools than Clarke has ever seen.

A large white canvas is also found near the opening of the balcony and the more Clarke glances around, the more small details she finds. Like the painting of Lexa on one of the walls, that is joined by the other one that Clarke recently drew. 

“ Lexa, what is all this? “ Clarke asks while she gestures with her hands around the room and before she turns to face Lexa. Her mind feels blank suddenly, and Clarke is not sure what to do with the vision in front of her. Instead she watches as Lexa smiles softly before stepping closer. 

“ It is your own painting room. “ Lexa pauses and Clarke feels her heart jump inside her chest by the words.

Her own painting room? Clarke has never had anything more than the prison cell on the Ark, and once she got to Earth, she was lucky if she could find some kind of pencil to draw on anything that would stick. This, is more than Clarke ever could have imagined.

“ I prepared it while you were away to Arkadia.”

“ I was not sure if you would return, though I was always hoping you would. “ 

Clarke exhales deeply as she stares into the depth of Lexa’s tender eyes. This is more than she deserves. More than she can ask for.

Clarke tilts her head and feels as her shoulders softens. Yet she watches as Lexa walks further in and closer to the opening of the balcony and Clarke is quick to follow her. 

“ I wanted to give you a view worthy of your inspiration, and I am hoping that this is enough.” 

Clarke lets her gaze travel over the land underneath. It is a perfect view over the river and the mountains. Over a small part of the glowing forest in the far end. It has a perfect opening over the night sky above and it is more beautiful than a lot of things that Clarke has ever seen before. 

“ _ Lexa. “ _

_ “ _It’s beautiful. “ Clarke whispers and feels Lexa lightly shift beside her. Yet Clarke’s gaze is too busy on the view outside. Her artistic eyes too busy in finding every hidden detail of beauty. And there are a lot.

However, it does not take long before Clarke can feel the warmth of Lexa’s fingers brush gently against her own and before her hand gently tugs at Clarke’s. 

“ _ Clarke. “ _Lexa whispers, and the words and the touch of Lexa’s hand is enough to draw Clarke out from her dreaming thoughts and return her eyes back to Lexa. The blue of her eyes locks with the depth of green, noticing the vulnerability and warmth lingering on the surface. A comfortable silence creeps in, and Clarke watches patiently and with her eyes roaming over every expanse of Lexa’s face, how her chest heavily rises before Lexa exhales deeply. 

“ I know that no one is to be owned by another person,,“ Lexa pauses slowly, and Clarke’s heart speeds inside her chest on the verge of bursting completely. Still she watches how Lexa sucks in a heavy breath before she continues. 

“ Though, I am forever yours, Clarke.” 

“ Completely and entirely, for an eternity of time. “ 

Clarke’s eyes travel between Lexa’s. Desperately drinking in every word leaving her mouth. Still her heart absorbs it all like the flower drinks its water. Eagerly and desperately.

She never knew, that a few sentences would be enough to make her feel better than she ever has. To be enough to change her entire view of life, and to actually give her motivation to keep fighting. Hearing Lexa say those words, is something that Clarke has been craving unconsciously longer than she can imagine. 

Suddenly, no words feels enough to respond with. So instead, Clarke tangles her fingers between Lexa’s until their hands locks completely. The palms of her hands feels soft and warm against Clarke’s. And with a pulsing pounding in her chest, Clarke exhales deeply for the next words to be able to leave the drought in her throat. 

“ Remember that time, when I first had to leave Polis? “ Clarke asks low and husky, watching as Lexa slowly tilts her chin down in a nod and blinks back in response. 

“ Remember what you said? “ 

“ Or didn’t say? “ Clarke corrects herself with a nervous laughter bubbling out of her mouth and more coming out in a sound of a breath of air. She is watching for the realization to hit Lexa, and notices Lexa’s jaw tighten and her chin raise. Yet as Lexa remains silent, Clarke takes the moment to draw a shuddering breath to her struggling lungs before she continues. 

“ I just wanna say,, “ She lets out in a breath, collecting courage to let the next words out of her own mouth. Words that she has been dying to say and that she has been craving to hear ever since Lexa first had given her the hope to hear them. 

“ I love you, Lexa. “ 

Clarke can clearly feel Lexa tighten her hold of Clarke’s hands. It sends shivers down her spine to watch how the words makes Lexa’s chin drop and her mouth to hang half agape. It makes her heart speed almost painfully hard as she watches Lexa’s chest raise in a heavy rhythm under her dress and how her eyes looks dark with want. Blistered eyes stares back at her before Lexa exhales deeply. 

“ I love you. “ Lexa lets out in one low breath, like she has been holding the words in for so long. Like she has been holding just that breath of air from the moment she first wanted to say the words, and now finally letting them come to the surface.

The words seem to take them both by surprise, and makes both of their hearts beat almost loud enough to hear. It makes Clarke tighten her hold of Lexa’s hands and her eyes to smile as they stare deep into green.

Those words, are everything she has ever wanted to hear. And to hear them come from Lexa, feels better than anything she could have hoped for. It feels better than she first could have imagined, and now, Clarke feels happy that Lexa waited to say it. Now, no one is leaving, and no one is dying. Now the timing is perfect and still, and there is nothing to come between them. 

Clarke pulls at the nape of Lexa’s neck, she pulls her in close enough for their lips to crash together. She pulls her in close enough to feel Lexa smile against her lips through the kiss and to feel as their lips begin to move together in one and in a perfect balance. In a balance and in a rhythm that feels just right for them.

With hands that begin to trace over each other’s skin to hold gently the other close. Clarke finds her own by Lexa’s neck, holding her close to her own body and can feel the palms of Lexa’s hands at the expanse of her back. Steady but gently, she holds her close.

Clarke runs her tongue over the bottom of Lexa’s lip and shivers by the wetness she can taste just there. Her heart trudges inside her ribcage about to burst by the overwhelming sensation, and when Clarke pulls back just enough to look into the darkness of Lexa’s tender eyes, she is more than able to notice the wide smile covering her plump lips.

A smile that pulls at every muscle in her face, and making Lexa seem happier than Clarke has ever seen her. Her eyes are glowing with the way she smiles, with the happiness and joy taking over every feature of her face. Clarke doesn’t believe that she has ever seen anything quite as beautiful before. Nothing about her dreams could have prepared her for the beauty she would find in Lexa.

Lexa smiles rarely, but it is worth it. Because the whole world smiles with her. A single grin, and the whole world is glowing. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


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	25. authors note!

hellooo! it’s been awhile, and first off I just wanna say thank you so much for the great response I got on this fic. It was so fun to write it and it’s been even more fun to read all your nice comments! 

I noticed that a lot of you wanted a sequel, and unfortunately I can’t write one right now since I am in the middle of my other clexa fic “lovers in past life “ , however since a few people wanted a sequel, I have decided to write one once I am done with the other one! I have a few ideas in mind, so as soon as I have finished the other clexa fic I will begin to start with a sequel for this one! :) 

have a nice day!


	26. author’s note!

Helloo!!

First off I just wanna say that I’m so sorry for the long wait, I’ve had a lot to deal with lately and haven’t found the time to write or start a new story with multiple chapters. However things are better now so I have started with the sequel for this story. The first chapter just got posted and the other is already on its way! :) 

The story is called “ to find comfort in a warriors soothing soul ( we find the answers in the lessons we learn ) “ so please make sure to check it out and tell me what you think! :)


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